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ambush posted 6/17/2014 12:35 PM

I'm one month in to finding out about my WW second affair. She's still working in the same place as the OM and isn't willing to quit or even look for another job. She's telling me everything is over but I'm sure that she's gone underground with the affair.

We've still been living together, taking care of our kids. Even though she's still seeing this other person, she talks about wanting to go on a vacation with me to some nice place without the kids. The way I feel now, I can't imagine spending a vacation alone with her.

I love my wife, but I know she's a liar and a cheater. I wanted so badly for her to end it with the OM and come back to me 100%. But she hasn't done anything to prove that she's committed to our marriage.

Do I demand that both of us go into counseling or just proceed with a divorce? Divorce would be hard on me too. We have three small kids and it would be a struggle for me to take care of them by myself. I'm sure it will impact them in a bad way. Is counseling worth it when your partner is still dishonest?

houseofpain posted 6/17/2014 12:58 PM

Funny, I love my husband, but he is also a liar and a (serial) cheater. He is remorseful, but has never worked on changing himself. I tossed him out of the house yesterday. I work full-time and have a disabled 14 yr. old son and I desperately need help. But it's not worth it. It's not worth being lied to and humiliated over and over.

Many of us tend to hang on to any crumb of hope that they toss our direction. It's no way to live. If she is truly sorry, she will do whatever it takes to make things work. If not, you deserve better.

Badhurt posted 6/17/2014 13:14 PM


Go to JFO and read the thread titled BEFORE YOU RECONCILE. From what you describe, you are now in an open marriage with no choice in the matter because YOU are allowing that to happen. Before you go anywhere near a MC, you should see an attorney, prepare divorce papers, and then have the following discussion where you tell her that she can do whatever she wants BUT not as your wife
Your demands should be
NO CONTACT including a letter or e mail that you see

RIGHT NOW, THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES FOR HER! She gets to have OM, totally disrespect you and humiliate you, and you even contemplate takling her on a nice vacation.

You WILL NOT nice her out of this and you need to knock her ass of the fence. You are crazy if you spend a dime on MC before you have her commitment to stop this affair.

veronique12 posted 6/17/2014 13:38 PM

I agree with Badhurt. Filing for D is you drawing a line in the sand and showing your WW that how she is treating you is unacceptable (b/c it is). It is standing up for yourself and your M and your children. Continuing on and hoping she'll change is not going to help your M b/c in all actuality your current M is dead. Her actions have done it in.

The truth is that you cannot control your WW's actions. You can set boundaries for remaining with her and she can make the decision whether to meet your requirements. That's all.

She is being selfish and is disrespecting you. I know it has to be so hard to draw the hard line in the sand, but that's the only way out of this limbo.

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/17/2014 14:18 PM

After I found about his A, my XH was doing all the right things when I found out he was planning to meet up with ANOTHER skank while I would be out of town. For me, that was it. If you're not seeing a therapist, maybe finding someone who is strictly in your corner can help you. You don't need to make a decision but you deserve to feel safe.

FrmrBH80124 posted 6/17/2014 14:47 PM

If I were in your shoes, I would proceed with divorce. There's no remorse. No remorse, no successful MC. It's a waste of time and money.

You and your children deserve better. File the papers and knock her the f*ck off the fence. She'll either recommit to the M or leave. Either choice is better than what you are dealing with now.

Don't go on vacation with her. She doesn't deserve it. Save your money for the D.

KeepOnMovin posted 6/17/2014 15:24 PM

Ambush. i'm sorry you're here. many similarities between your story and mine.

my biggest regret in how i handled all of this stuff, was that i allowed her to continue to eat cake, have her affair(s). I would have had a better chance to save my marriage, and my family, by kicking her ass out, and filing for divorce. I tried to reason with her and show her how great of a partner i am. i wasted thousands of dollars in MC, and all i accomplished was being humiliated and even further degrading my self-esteem.

You can't compete with OM, and you shouldn't be. You are the better man, hands down, and you deserve better. But, she only sees how wonderful he is and has most likely has rewired her brain to make you the bad guy. She has to villanize you to justify her guilt. Most of the stories are similar, just different players.

Everything Badhurt wrote, please do. take care of yourself, and don't take her on vacation. that only feeds her ego kibbles.

best wishes bro.

seethelight posted 6/17/2014 15:59 PM

Do I demand that both of us go into counseling or just proceed with a divorce? Divorce would be hard on me too. We have three small kids and it would be a struggle for me to take care of them by myself. I'm sure it will impact them in a bad way. Is counseling worth it when your partner is still dishonest?

Well, since you seem to want to reconcile, why not DEMAND that she stop seeing the OM immediately and make a no contact, ending the affair call with you listening as well as write a no contact letter that you approve and mail certified.

If she does not agree, then file.

Really what have you lost?

Counseling will only work, if she cuts off contact with the OM.

tushnurse posted 6/17/2014 16:22 PM

Welcome - You will find lots of great support here, and learn ways to save yourself from making the mistakes many of us did.

First of all I would urge you to go see a D attorney, and find out how this will play out if you decide to D. What are your rights, her obligations, and so forth. This can be really empowering.

Next you need to decide what you are willing to tolerate and what you aren't. Then you sit her down, and tell her these are absolutes, and if she doesn't comply then you are done.

In the meantime you need to read up on the 180, it's a basically a process where you withdraw from her emotionally and physically. Only discuss the true needs - kids, and finances.
If this AP has a spouse let her know immediately. Nothing takes the shine off an A than the ugly bright light of day.

Since this is her second go round, I have to ask what did you do the first time. Did you guys really do the work of R or did you forgive, and sweep it under the rug, and go on with life?
The reason I ask is because she is broken. Until she does the work to figure out her why, she will remain broken, and you are bound to go through this again and again. Your wife simply isn't the person you believed she was, and now you have to face the harsh reality that your M will never be the same.

I would also urge you to get into some counseling for yourself, and when you pose you must haves to her, make her go. She will need help to dig deep and figure this shit out.

Keep reading, keep posting.

((((and strength))))

ambush posted 6/17/2014 17:05 PM

Thank you for all your responses. It really helps give me strength while I try to deal with all of this.

I did make her call the OM. She was crying when she spoke to him and the conversation was very brief. I don't even think it lasted a minute. But then she went back to work again and I see clues that she broke the NC. Since I've been through this with her already, I know she's lying to me.

When I found out about the first guy, she told me she was relieved I found out because she wanted to stop it. I basically forgave her and swept it under the rug. I found out she was lying about wanting to stop it. She kept seeing him but eventually she stopped...or maybe he did. I'm not sure how it ended but I know it did after some time.

I don't know anything about this guy. She tells me he's married, which makes me think he's not. She always gives false information about her affairs to me.

I found her old phone in her purse today. I bought her a new phone for her birthday last year so I don't see any reason for her to carry this one. I took it out of her purse before she went to work. She came back and started flipping out and asked for it back. I told her I wasn't going to give it to her and she left. There's a lock code on it so it's not like I can view anything in it. I really don't need to. I could tell by her reaction what she was doing with it.

Badhurt posted 6/17/2014 17:10 PM


Sounds like you have the answers you need . I hope you take some action and get to an attorney ASAP.
Try to stay strong

tearingaway posted 6/17/2014 17:15 PM

Based on your last post, ambush, I think you have your answer.

Schadenfreude posted 6/17/2014 17:34 PM

Go see a lawyer. No remorse here.

Do an outline of what you need to learn from lawyer

Fees and costs
Time if contested and if uncontested
Property division
Child custody
Spousal support
Medical insurance
Role,of fault in above, if any where you live
Rights to live in house of both spouses
Anything else you can think of

This way you maximize the benefit of the consultation, are far les susceptible to legal blackmail/bullshit of WW, and knowledge is power.

Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you're filing tomorrow, either.

Don't expect marriage counseling from the lawyer, either. Not our job, although most can refer to counselor so as desired. And you cannot force WW to go, so I'm talking about individual,counseling.

Vacation without kids? Wow, that's champagne and caviar eating, not just cake eating.

918Mama posted 6/17/2014 18:46 PM

Loving your wife is one thing.

Loving yourself is something different.

Love yourself enough to not be her doormat.

OK now posted 6/17/2014 19:44 PM

If she won't leave her place of employment and seek another job then out her and the OM to Human Resources at her place of work. They should either dismiss both of them, or ensure they do not meet during the day at least. Also out the affair to your family and her co-workers. Just have to put pressure on this affair if you wish to end it. Right now you are allowing her to cake-eat with impunity.

ambush posted 6/19/2014 01:21 AM

OK now...I heard the suggestion about outing the affair at the WS/OP workplace before. Do companies really care about an affair? It's morally wrong, but it doesn't impact their bottom line. I've thought about doing what you suggested, but I'm just wondering if it's effective.

Telling my family is something I struggle with. My parents already dislike her. For me to tell them would be another dagger in what little hope I have in reconciliation.

I have a consultation with a lawyer today. His hourly rates are pretty expensive. (Consult is free). Is an expensive attorney worth it in a "no fault" state? Should I cancel and go through someone else.

RomanticInnocenc posted 6/19/2014 01:45 AM

Good luck with the lawyer ambush, I hope you get the answers you want.

In regards to outing her, my family doesn't know about my WH's affair because I know they couldn't just support me/us in our decision to R, they would have opinions, and those opinions would be to end the marriage. Mostly because they don't understand. BUT I would out her to her family. They should know. In regards to work, I would find out the name of the OM and out them too. They need the light shined on them, and they probably will care if they think they have used work time to carry it on. Also, if he is married out him to his wife. My guess is that he will desert your wife in a heart beat. He isn't wanting long term or she would have left you by now. Shine the light on them, see the lawyer and really take the fantasy out of her life. Then you'll know if there is even a minute chance at R.

ambush posted 6/19/2014 17:13 PM

I went to the attorney's office today. I met with his assistant. She told me that courts in Texas don't normally consider infidelity when awarding custody of kids. It can have a bearing on dividing property (60/40) instead of (50/50). Texas usually favors the mother during custody disputes. It's really not the answer I was looking for, since custody was my primary concern. She did mention that they would take into consideration who is the primary caregiver of the kids right now. That's me, but I'm sure my wife would lie about this like she does about other things.

Maybe I'll take a second opinion..but after that meeting I'm not sure I want to file right now.

doggiediva posted 6/19/2014 17:21 PM

I would say document all that you can over time, regarding the fact that you are the primary care giver...

Sleepingbeauty posted 6/19/2014 21:01 PM

Divorce. I am also a month out since DD. three weeks since he confessed. He has done things that can never be fixed. When they will mot give up the ap or even comsider counseling it is time to move on IMHO.

I know it sucks amd here are some ((((hugs))))

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