"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Inalittlewhile posted 6/17/2014 12:46 PM

XH Is texting me constantly. His vehicle is about to be repossessed, he will have to move out of his apartment cuz he can't afford to pay rent anymore.

He has a job pending but his license is suspended cuz he owes back taxes. He asked to borrow $2500. Says he owes all of his family so they won't lend him anymore money. He has been struggling and teetering on the edge of homelessness for months now, he says.

Meanwhile on his social media pages, he is posing shirtless with numerous women at a pool party. He is an entertainer and says it's just a facade to promote his parties. Several pictures are women in various states of undress, objectified with only their arses in plain view. (He's an ass man).

Not to mention he has begged to come back home and do whatever it takes.

I actually feel sorry for him and was debating just giving him the money. All of my friends and family say don't help him. That he is a grown man and he has to figure his life out. That he had everything, and threw it away cuz he liked new strange.

He is begging his arse off to come back. How coincidental that it happened when he is just really really down on his luck.

Forgot to mention he admitted to seeing someone regularly. And has had unprotected sex with her. But of course he says that relationship is nothing and he wants his family back. Smh.

I have no desire to reconcile with this man! Is my sympathy normal though?How do I deal with the guilt if I don't help him? What do I do? What would u do?

7yrsflushed posted 6/17/2014 12:54 PM

All of my friends and family say don't help him.

^^^I agree with them. He is a grown man and needs to learn to make better choices in life. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they wake up and even then some of them don't wake up. You got out. He is no longer your problem. Don't invite the drama back into your life. From what you stated it's your EX has done nothing to resolve his issues. He might be saying the right things but his actions are SCREAMING the wrong things.

You have no reason to feel guilty. He is a grown man and brought all of this on himself by the choices HE made. Do NOT fall for the song and dance and pull yourself back into the craziness. If he truly wanted to come back he would get his act together first instead of reaching out to you only when he needs something.

There is nothing wrong with caring for someone you used to be close to but do it from afar.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:50 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]

doggiediva posted 6/17/2014 13:08 PM

The last thing you should do is let him into your life now that he is down and out..

It is plainly obvious from what you wrote that your STBX is reaching out to you only because he wants to get food and shelter without making the effort it takes to build his own life....

That is what cake eaters do

Let him live in a homeless shelter until he finds out that he doesn't like it there..

Maybe being forced to live in a shelter or with his parents/grandparents (anywhere he would rather not live) will motivate him to do what it takes to get out there and make his own life a stable one...

trying_2_recover posted 6/17/2014 13:14 PM

Pure and simple manipulation. My ex uses the pity me form of it all the time. Once I caught him limping when I was in his sight and not limping when he didn't know I could still see him . I was on to him from that point on but he still try's to use it on me now an again even years after divorce. He hasn't figured out that I DON'T CARE.

You owe him nothing. Give him nothing. R is for those that do the work. What work has he done? Nothing from the sounds of it.

MyTurnATL posted 6/17/2014 13:25 PM

When I first divorced, I enjoyed paying bills because every month it was validation that I could make it on my own.

One of my grown children has made some bad choices in life and I have opened the checkbook to rescue them on numerous occasions. About a year ago, it occurred to me that by rescuing them, I was giving them the message that they couldn't do it, and I was denying them the empowerment of figuring it out on their own, so I closed the checkbook, and you know what? They figured it out on their own. It wasn't easy, it wasn't without mistakes on their part, but they figured it out and now they know they can make it on their own.

You ex can figure it out too. Don't bail him out and give him the opportunity to do so.

Tearsoflove posted 6/17/2014 13:26 PM

Great, he's an entertainer. You know what lots of entertainers do to keep from being homeless? They get a second job. That's where he should be instead of at pool parties- waiting tables or slinging fries. If you give him money, you're just enabling him to get by for another couple months and then he's asking you for money again just like he tried to do with his family. Learn from their lesson. Don't give it to him.

Schadenfreude posted 6/17/2014 13:28 PM

Sorry for him, but I guess the entertainment business isn't working out too well financially, but it has GREAT fringe benefits for him.

You have a spare $2500? Because you'll never see it again.

Tell him he fired you from the job of being his support system.
And suggest that one of his many conquests may be willing to do what you're not willing to do.

You're not his family any more. Why take on a burden of being his family and sole support?

hurtbs posted 6/17/2014 13:40 PM

All of my friends and family say don't help him. That he is a grown man and he has to figure his life out.

And in my experience, if family stops lending someone money then you know they are a deadbeat. It took my father not paying me back thousands of dollars before I put my foot down and refused to give him any more money.

I would suggest not only telling him a firm no, but refuse to engage with him in these types of conversations.

I could see you wanting to help him out if he suddenly had a major cancer diagnosis and had to spend thousands of dollars a month on treatment, but he's just being an idiot.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 1:42 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]

Inalittlewhile posted 6/17/2014 13:45 PM

My first thoughts were that if he had any desire to be a different person, his actions would reflect that.

This is not the first time he has asked me for money, and I must admit that I have helped him since we divorced. Then something will happen where I see that I'm just a safe haven for him.

I was always the breadwinner in our relationship. He lived a life of leisure and didn't appreciate it.

What's worse is that he tells anyone who asks that I emasculated him, and talked to him like a child. As If that was to blame for our demise.

I know the relationship is over. But my inclination has always been to rescue him and to make all his problems go away. I did this all thru our marriage, almost to my financial detriment

Even now, he pays no child support or anything else of any kind. He has given me only $200 in 18 months. I never ask him for anything! Yet, when he tells me he is struggling, my soft heart just wants to help him.

nowiknow23 posted 6/17/2014 13:48 PM

You aren't helping him by giving him money, honey. As long as you (or anyone else) bails him out, he doesn't have to figure out how to support himself.

That's how you combat any (codependent?) guilt about not giving him money - by knowing that you are doing him a real favor by making him face life.

EvenKeel posted 6/17/2014 13:54 PM

Your D is final and you are free from him. Please do not keep enabling him. It just invites crazy back into your world.

Block his number or, at the very least, stop texting with him.

If the text is about your kids, that is one thing but his "poor me" life now is not your responsibility.

I vote for not responding and not looking at his social media pages.

Break free my friend....

Inalittlewhile posted 6/17/2014 13:57 PM

Now he is telling me that he has nothing to live for. He is suggesting that he is suicidal.

norabird posted 6/17/2014 14:03 PM

He is manipulating you. If you really fear for his life, call the police about it. But he is using you. He is counting on being able to manipulate you to get what he wants. Fuck. That.

You are a good person and so you are worried. But you didn't do this to him. He did it to himself.

It is not your responsibility to save him anymore.

Focus on YOU. He can figure his shit out, or not. It just isn't your problem anymore.

dmari posted 6/17/2014 14:03 PM

Call the police and have them do a check. Give him the suicide hotline number. He is manipulating you.

Inalittlewhile posted 6/17/2014 14:04 PM

I actually had not looked at his social
Media pages ever until he came with the woe is me stuff. It took some finagling cuz I am still blocked from his most active acct, but surely as a L, I can get around that. Lol.

Once I was considering helping, I looked to confirm whether his posts lined up with what he was saying.

Clearly, it did not.

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/17/2014 14:05 PM

If you know his location, tell the police you think he may be a danger to himself. Give him the number for the suicide prevention hotline (800-273-8255). Wish him the best.

Inalittlewhile posted 6/17/2014 14:13 PM

I just gave him the number and I will call the police if his texts get worse. When he tried this before, his own best friend told me to call police for him but don't get involved myself because I have always been his safety net.

Inalittlewhile posted 6/17/2014 14:15 PM

I am also no longer responding to any communication.

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/17/2014 14:19 PM

I know it must be hard but you have done all you can for him.

nowiknow23 posted 6/17/2014 14:37 PM

When he tried this before, his own best friend told me to call police for him but don't get involved myself because I have always been his safety net.

Listen to your friends and family, hon. They are right on target.

I mentioned the codependent thing before because I think it's worth you reading up on it. It's something I've struggled with myself, so I understand the pull to help and the guilt if you don't.

((((hugs))))