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BlackHorse posted 6/17/2014 13:45 PM

"I CANNOT BELIEVE" ...

- I can ever trust her again.

- a word she says.

- I was foolish enough to tell her my deepest secrets / my dreams / my fears.

- how violated I feel by her.

- how little she regarded me and my feelings.

- she threw away our shared life together – so quickly and easily – after everything we went through just to be together in the first place when the odds were so stacked against us.

- how truly “cold” she is to me – when she is so warm / concerned / and loving to total strangers.

- she ever really loved me.

- how “used” I feel by her.

- I thought she was the “Love Of My Life”.

- I thought at one time I could ever have a future with her.

- I risked being arrested or killed saving and protecting her.

- I constantly thought about her / worried about her / spoke often to others about her proudly as my “wife” / could not wait to either be beside her in person - or chat on-line or speak on the phone with her (when she was away for medical reasons).

- she will ever be truly faithful to me or to anyone.

- how she constantly flaunts her overt sexuality - when she is so obviously physically vulnerable to being used by others - and places her very safety is at risk.

- on how I feel no respect for her anymore.

- how disloyal she “is” – or maybe “always was”.

- I gave her all my time - 24/7. (She could just wake me up / or call me - at all hours and I would be there for her because she was in need due to her physical and emotional needs.)

- I gave so much of myself to make things possible for us – even if I was not always successful – but kept trying regardless.

- how she shows not the slightest respect for our past and time together as though it never existed.

- how she shows no remorse for all the damage and pain she has caused.

- she has managed to keep up this usual behavior with men since her youth.

- how selfish and self-serving she is – or has become.

- how she always paints herself as the victim in any situation.

- how much she uses people to suit her own needs exclusively.

- how deep the darkness is which runs inside her.

- she will never change.

- how flirting it almost an obsession with her.

- how she loves / enjoys / and needs to constantly push the envelope.

- how she has bent the truth to others of why were are not together - so she can come off "smelling like a rose" - as though she was never unfaithful - and it was all me that was to blame.

- I gave my love to her – so totally and completely – to be hers “forever and a day”. (* and I meant it – until recent events placed my love for her in jeopardy at her own willing hands.)

- on how for me – she fit so comfortably beside me as though we were one – as a team – 50/50 - especially after me being alone for so many decades.

- how destroyed I feel inside as I attempt to carry-on without her.

As I have thought about things - I realize she needs continuous psychological help for her emotional and mental issues. She dismissed her long time "Psychiatrist" about six months ago feeling it was too expensive for what she got and also due to the fact her "Pain Doctor" was now willing to provide her with a prescription for her "Xanax" - which her "Psychiatrist formerly did.

I feel I may well be on my way to actually “hating her” - and the very thought of her.

I hate to say it – but I hope she has a horrible future.

I hate what she has done to me – and what she has helped and forced me to become.

I hate that she gave me dreams and hopes of an actual future – and then wiped them all away without a single care other than herself – and left me empty and so much worse than before she met me.

I am also sorry I felt the need to post this discussion today. The last few days have been very bad for me. I worked almost 60 hours last week and will be working almost 60 hours this week by the time it is finished. I may also be working 60 hours a week for the next while as well. The work hours depend on other factors and may change some as time goes by each week.

I got one new job right at the time she was leaving for the USA for medical assistance and an extended stay - then "D-Day" happened a month into her stay - and she had strayed after just two weeks - with a friend of her family there. (Hard to fight it when the family aids and enables them to go "wayward".) Then I got another job as "everything went up in smoke".

I need the money and the distraction at this time - but I am very compromised and feel the toll right now on the loss of her in my life - and I am not use to the extended work hours. The second job is very physically demanding and I am in my fifties - and worn out.

- BlackHorse.

[This message edited by BlackHorse at 1:47 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]

kiki1 posted 6/17/2014 13:51 PM

(((Blackhorse)))

I hope you feel better soon,,,,,,,,,,,,,

BlackHorse posted 6/17/2014 13:55 PM

Thank you "kiki1".

I am not ashamed to say I am sitting here - crying. This discussion took a lot out of me today.

I hope I feel better soon as well. Maybe I just need to let the pain out enough to make it so.

_ BlackHorse.

norabird posted 6/17/2014 14:00 PM

(((BlackHorse))))

It's good to let it out. I wrote these lists myself. It helped. Crying helps too. You;er mourning the death of so many illusions, so many dreams that were so close to your heart, and reeling that the injury comes from the person who you placed at the center of your life. Keep rehashing it for now and eventually you will find that the need to do so fades. Other happy moments are easier to feel. Feel it all, and you'll come out on the other side.

You have so much to offer. Honor yourself, respect yourself for being able to love so fully, forgive yourself for being mistaken in who she was, and healing will come for you. You deserve it.

doggiediva posted 6/17/2014 14:11 PM

I hear you..

It sucks to be in this shitty mess and have to get out with nothing more than the shirt on our backs and our lives.. Just yesterday many of us were gearing up for retirement, travel, looking forward to having more time to spend with our families and friends..

Now today the question becomes what retirement or when if ever?

For me personally I would have had plenty of time to rebuild my life into something stable ( before hitting my senior years ) had I considered an ONS a deal breaker and left my WH after D day 1..

I have learned in light of my second and final D day that it doesn't matter how hard and long I worked, if I was the ONLY one working..

This concept plays out in more ways than one..

It seems like our quality of life/ livelihood in marriage or in divorce is only as good as what is leftover after our selfish cheating WS is done taking...

The sooner we can remove ourselves legally and emotionally from an un remorseful WS who doesn't step up, the less effect their actions will have on us... We need this in order to recover and replenish..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 2:24 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]

Skan posted 6/17/2014 14:18 PM

Get it out. Get it all out. Purge as much as you need to. Better out than in, because keeping pain in just results in it exploding elsewhere, with more violence. It's always better to lance an abscess than let it fester, swell, explode, and scar even more. (((hugs)))

BlackHorse posted 6/18/2014 03:56 AM

Thank you "norabird" / "doggiediva" / and "skan".

I would like to respond to each of you - and I shall return to do so - however my "wayward" caused me problems again the night of this discussion - which I have started another discussion about.

- BlackHorse.