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User Topic: what to do when WS is doing everything right?
gettingpastit
43753
Member # 43753
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it's been 4 months since d day #1 and 3 months since d day #2. WH is in IC. We are in MC. I am also in IC. He has moved out but is nearby and remains as always very involved and present with the kids (ages 7&8). He is very committed to therapy and admits to benefiting a lot. A was 2.5 years (ea and pa). He is completely remorseful and even though our marriage was beyond distant and had been for years before the A he refuses to let me blame myself for any of this. He has tried N C but she is a bunny boiler and keeps contacting both of us every few weeks.

My concern is that everything he is doing just won't be enough and I just can't get past the lies and the meanness and the humiliation. I don't want to be divorced and I don't hate him, the anger is subsiding and we actually do really well when the kids are around and we are a family. I just have this emerging feeling that I don't want to be married to him anymore. Does this make sense to anyone also working on reconciliation? It's just in my gut. This is my first time p posting so some one let me know if I am doing this wrong. Thank you.

[This message edited by gettingpastit at 2:31 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2014
gettingpastit
43753
Member # 43753
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I meant for the topic title to be W.S. not B.S.! Can one of the moderators fix this?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2014
jo2love
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure

Posts: 36783 | Registered: Mar 2011
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi gettingpastit

Welcome.

So he is doing everything right, that's a good thing.

What are you doing to heal yourself? Are you starting to heal and make yourself emotionally well? This trauma can make one feel pretty crazy. The rug has been pulled out from under you. I believe the best healing a BS can do is to work on themselves first.

Let your husband work on him and with time and healing you will find yourself at a place where you are able to make a decision that works for you.

You don't have to know right now, commit to today. Get through each day as best you can. It will bring you one step closer to knowing where you want to end up.

Lots of great people here, stick around, read and post.

The new 4 letter word you will grow to hate is TIME...everything takes time. What's important is you use the time to help yourself along the way.

I hope your husband continues to try to aid in your healing.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 4:36 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Uhtred
♂ 40392
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It makes absolute sense to me because that is how I feel. I'm a year and two months from DDay and my WW is remorseful and committed to reconciling.

I always said to myself and to her that I'd only be married once in this lifetime and that if anything like this were to happen I'd be gone. She said the feeling was mutual but she obviously thought it really only applied to me.

So here we are with two young kids, I'm trying my best to R with her but can't shake the feeling that I just don't want to be married to her or anyone else ever again.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It makes absolute sense to me because that is how I feel. I'm a year and two months from DDay and my WW is remorseful and committed to reconciling.
I always said to myself and to her that I'd only be married once in this lifetime and that if anything like this were to happen I'd be gone. She said the feeling was mutual but she obviously thought it really only applied to me.

So here we are with two young kids, I'm trying my best to R with her but can't shake the feeling that I just don't want to be married to her or anyone else ever again.

Word for word my thoughts. I don't know when that point comes when you know it doesn't matter what they do, it's not enough. Like karma said, only time will tell. Focus on you and your healing, watch what he does, and the dreaded time....


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 339 | Registered: May 2013
jendo
♀ 43059
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a lite behind you time wise, but can relate. My WH is doing everything right. I've discovered more lately that terrifiede, but nothing he was hiding- just nothing I had acknowledged. Taking a lot of time to myself to process slowly and heal in my own time. Sharing my feigns with him like I never have. I can tell that it is going to just be a much longer haul than I initially thought. Time. That's the key I think.

Posts: 276 | Registered: Apr 2014
seethelight
♀ 43513
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My concern is that everything he is doing just won't be enough and I just can't get past the lies and the meanness and the humiliation. I don't want to be divorced and I don't hate him, the anger is subsiding and we actually do really well when the kids are around and we are a family. I just have this emerging feeling that I don't want to be married to him anymore. Does this make sense to anyone also working on reconciliation? It's just in my gut. This is my first time p posting so some one let me know if I am doing this wrong. Thank you.

GettingPastit:

I am two years out and my wayward is doing MOSTLY everything right, too, but I feel as you do.

I can never really trust this man again. The humiliation of having him so willingly pull the wool over my trusting eyes is just too much of a wound.

I do love him and that is likely why I am still trying to reconcile, but I still wonder who this man is that I married.

He showed me a side that I never suspected. And, that is in part what scares the heck out of me.

I was so trusting, and I don't know if I can ever trust myself again, when with him.

Also, I keep asking why do I want to stay with him?

I know there are men out there who WANT to be faithful to there spouse. I see it here on this forum, too.

So, why would a choose to stay with a known cheater.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Getting

Welcome to SI. Sorry you have had to find us but be glad that you did.

A lot of terrific people here that care and want to help however possible.

Although it doesn't feel like it, 4 months is still relatively new to the recovery road.

(((gently)))

On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm. I tell you this not to upset you but so you know that healing, regardless if you stay or go, is a process and it takes time. A lot of time. A lot of soul searching.

Your emotions are still very raw and real. And understandably so.

Not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation.

It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.

You will go from complete devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. And I am sure you are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

It is also very normal to go through the full set of mood swings from "It's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable. Again...normal.

You have been hurt. Your trust is shattered. In your WH, in your marriage and in yourself.

That is the hard part when you feel you can't trust your own instinct or thinking. It is a natural process of wanting to understand HOW and WHY this happened.

He has tried N C but she is a bunny boiler and keeps contacting both of us every few weeks.

Can you block her number? Change yours? How is she contacting you? You can get a restraining order as well. It is hard for you to trust while she is still in the picture. Some would say impossible.


I just have this emerging feeling that I don't want to be married to him anymore. Does this make sense to anyone also working on reconciliation?

Yep, I thought about leaving 1,000 times. Thinking it would just be easier. But you will find if you decided to stay or go...you still have to deal with the A and still have to go through the pain in order to start to heal.

Take one day at a time. You matter.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Gotmegood
♀ 41407
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jen- it sounds to me like you are still working through all the crap his betrayal has dumped, out of the blue, into your life. It is not wise to make a definitive decision this early in the aftermath of your trauma. Look, you are doing many things right; IC for you being the primary thing. WS is remorseful and helpful and patient and kind and being trustworthy? Lucky you, lap it up, you deserve at least this. No matter how good he's being now, does not obligate you to stay. Keep working on you, keep putting you first, continue your therapy. Meanwhile, watch his actions like a hawk. Get a few more months under your belt, then revisit your question.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now is too early to be past the betrayal. It's way too early to trust him. How can you trust someone who had a 2.5 year A after just 3 months of being honest?

I don't know if you can or can't get past this, but I'd bet a lot that it's too early to decide. Wait a while - eventually you will know, and you'll tell us what your decision is.

WRT NC, he can't control ow. IMO, he hasn't broken NC if she attempts to connect - that's on her. If his response is to let you know about the attempt and work with you to craft your response to w (which usually should be silence), that's all you can ask. You might consider consulting a lawyer, though, at a step to getting a restraining order.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
gettingpastit
43753
Member # 43753
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for these responses. They are very helpful and give me some perspective. I'm assuming for all of you that the ow/om is out of the picture and respecting the N C? As 1Faith pointed out it is difficult to move forward as long as she keeps dragging us back. (She contacted me at work yesterday after I posted. WS seems defeated by her and today is an 'I'm done' day for me.) I might be off topic now....but appreciate any thoughts.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2014
mozzchops
♂ 42896
Member # 42896
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It makes absolute sense to me because that is how I feel. I'm a year and two months from DDay and my WW is remorseful and committed to reconciling.
I always said to myself and to her that I'd only be married once in this lifetime and that if anything like this were to happen I'd be gone. She said the feeling was mutual but she obviously thought it really only applied to me.

So here we are with two young kids, I'm trying my best to R with her but can't shake the feeling that I just don't want to be married to her or anyone else ever again.

I'm exactly the same, so I had no choice but to divorce after discovery. I had to be at peace with myself. I had to retain some of my self respect.


The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 9:58 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She contacted me at work yesterday after I posted

How did she contact you at work? Phone or email? There are ways to block email via your work server.

Posted what where?

If you both are serious about NC (I know you are) then I would consult an attorney and look into a restraining order.

You don't need the drama or the added trauma.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My concern is that everything he is doing just won't be enough and I just can't get past the lies and the meanness and the humiliation. I don't want to be divorced and I don't hate him, the anger is subsiding and we actually do really well when the kids are around and we are a family. I just have this emerging feeling that I don't want to be married to him anymore.

gettingpastit, your world has been rocked. It will take a while for you to get your feet back under you. You need to give yourself some time: time to see the changes your WH is willing to make, time to rebuild your trust in him. You need time to learn to trust yourself again. We BS spend a lot of time second-guessing ourselves, being hyper-vigilant, trying to make sure we're never blind-sided again.

There's no quick fix to any of this. Take the pressure off yourself trying to R. Maybe today you can just choose not to D. See how you feel tomorrow, next week, next month. Baby steps...


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 348 | Registered: Sep 2013
gettingpastit
43753
Member # 43753
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She contacts us through various emails and phone numbers. Yesterday she sent me an article from an anonymous/fake email about spite so it is impossible to block her. Wh is reluctant to do a restraining order because he is afraid. Threats against him have been overt. None directly against me or the kids.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2014
seethelight
♀ 43513
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm assuming for all of you that the ow/om is out of the picture and respecting the N C?

Gettingpastit:

My wayward's Ow is still contacting us, too. In a similar manner.

In our state unless there is a provable threat, they will not give a restraining order.

If she is threatening you by email, and you can PROVE she wrote and sent the email, you might be able to get a restraining order.

You can have an attorney send a no contact letter, but as the attorney mentioned, sometimes it causes a stalker to escalate, and it did.

If you research stalker, restraining orders are not very effective.

The best thing to do is to simply keep ignoring her.

With that said, I do blame my wayward for her continued contact.

He never really closed the door firmly and based on some of the things he said to her, as told to me by him, it sounds as if he was too kind to her, and that makes her feel as if the door is still open.

Also, if you research stalkers, You will see it noted that any attention positive or NEGATIVE, gives them encouragement and often stimulates further contact.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
Merida
♀ 42437
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my pastoral counselor said something really profound to me

"Just because Lebron James and Dwayne Wade are a good team on the basketball court, don't mean they go home together. A zero plus a zero is still zero."

Sounds to me like there's a lot of work to do to repair the emotional intimacy that's been destroyed. A LTA drains and destroys emotional intimacy.

So I am not quite 6mos from finding out about my WH's mess. Restoring and renewing emotional intimacy is gonna take time to create. Our old marriage is dead and that took me awhile to build... I am not rushing into repeating the same mistake to naively trust just because there are children involved. I have not filed for divorce for that reason. But I feel we have Mt. Everest to climb and we are at like the foothills part. It's better than being in the hole we were in, but I am not kidding myself about the climb ahead...

We have a fine partnership regarding raising our kids, running our household etc. but that doesn't mean we are married (other than in a worthless piece of paper sense). I couldn't care less about a worthless legal document. A covenant was destroyed. That destruction of my soul, my trust - my love - is gonna take more than a couple months of remorse for me to consider the ability to genuinely forgive and we can become fully reconciled.

We are working on it, but I am in no rush

meantime = passing along from retrouvaille =

L-O-V-E is an action, not a feeling.

The OW contacting me would be a huge concern for the welfare of my family - what is your WH doing to protect you? The kids?

I say - one step at a time - no rushing through healing or else the bones don't set properly

all the best

[This message edited by Merida at 11:27 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

"The darkest night is dispelled by the humblest of flames."


WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts


Posts: 232 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
damaged71
♂ 36004
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am two years out and my wife hasn't done anything overt to make me leave but
Uhtred said what I feel.
I'm trying my best to R with her but can't shake the feeling that I just don't want to be married to her or anyone else ever again.

I just think I don't want to be married anymore. From the outside my wife is just amazingly beautiful. I "should" be happy. 80% of the time I'm not and I'm faking it. I have a 5 year old so here I am.

What she did has broken me. I just don't ever think I will be the same. Once you get to where Uhtred and I are I guess there just isn't enough "up side" to being married to make it worth the trouble.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 353 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
seethelight
♀ 43513
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just think I don't want to be married anymore. From the outside my wife is just amazingly beautiful. I "should" be happy. 80% of the time I'm not and I'm faking it. I have a 5 year old so here I am.

What she did has broken me. I just don't ever think I will be the same. Once you get to where Uhtred and I are I guess there just isn't enough "up side" to being married to make it worth the trouble.

Damaged71:

I totally agree. I have no interest in ever marrying again. That is part of the reason I have not divorced my husband. The other part is for the childre, particularly since I have no interest in remarrying.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
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