"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

dana47 posted 6/17/2014 15:18 PM

I've tried NC with my exAP but he pops up from time to time. The first time he reached out was to manipulate me into validating him. I'm beginning to think this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. Also, if he truly wanted to R with his wife he would not contact me.

Deeply Scared posted 6/17/2014 15:36 PM

dana...

I feel the best course to keep NC in place is to always be prepared with how to handle if he breaks NC.

You should have a plan ready...knowing what you will say and how you will end the contact for good.

Also, if he truly wanted to R with his wife he would not contact me.

That's an excuse you're both using to justify talking to each other. Leave their marriage out of it.

You and your H cannot begin to heal if NC is continuously broken. What do you plan on doing if he breaks NC again?

dana47 posted 6/17/2014 15:40 PM

To clarify: I'm ignoring him. I told him I do not want to communicate and I do not love him. (He likes validation from me)

EvolvingSoul posted 6/17/2014 15:49 PM

he pops up from time to time

Curious what this means in the practical sense. He calls? Texts? Shows up on your doorstep? Ambushes you at the mall? How is he contacting you?

dana47 posted 6/17/2014 15:59 PM

Text or email.

Deeply Scared posted 6/17/2014 16:02 PM

Why don't you have him blocked?

walktheline posted 6/17/2014 16:05 PM

Agreed with Deeply Scared -- your AP's marriage doesn't matter. Who cares if he and his BW are trying to R? That's none of your business, and you shouldn't be thinking about it.

Also, who cares if he likes validation from you? Why do you care about what he likes/wants from you? Start thinking about what your BH needs from you to heal, and what you need to begin to heal yourself.

As for your AP breaking NC -- change your phone number or block his number from being able to contact you. Change your email address. Tell your BH if your AP tries to contact you again.

DrJekyll posted 6/18/2014 07:28 AM

dana47

within 1 week from dday i changed email accounts and cell phone. I had the same contact info for 12 years. All casualties of my A.

I'm beginning to think this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him

This is absolutely correct. His A has nothing to do with you, and yours has nothing to do with him. This is a step in the right direction.

Also, if he is still trying to contact you he is still engaging in wayward behavior. That does not mean you have to reciprocate wayward behavior. You can only control you. So take actions for yourself and your BS. and make sure that you are informing your BH of any break of NC.

Your XAP and what he is doing with his BS, has nothing to do with you. That is for them. That is their lives. You almost sound hopeful that he doesn't want R with his BS. and that he would choose you instead. You need to let go of those thoughts and feeling to have true R with your BS.

dana47 posted 6/18/2014 09:41 AM

Drhekyll:
Thanks for your insight. Helpful. I know this may sound strange but I feel badly for my XAP wife. She doesn't deserve any of this and I know she is bring lied to. I did apologize to here shortly after DDay. I'm terrible for how my actions hurt her. I regret it.