SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello

Just need to de bunk my brain of recent events, have a blow off as the shit has hit the fan again, and do some typing therapy to process, please bear with me.

WS has broken the viewing porn boundary, which was clear he would be out if he chose this, as it was very much a gateway to him acting out with prostitutes through 2007/8-2011. He is also very aware of how porn is damaging and the effects etc but still took a running jump on the slope again.

Our 4 year old son was rushed to hospital 3weeks ago after a very trUmatic accident at a bank holiday event we were at, raising money for cancer charity's.

It was a soap box derby where the contestants make non motorised go carts out of stuff and go down the hill to see who will go the furthest.

One of the carts (a "lovely"metal canoe shaped one) did not go round the corner and ploughed into the crowd where WS, our 2yo and 4 yo we're standing. Our 7yo was a few feet away on hay bales. The friend we were with was in the process of yanking my 4yo out of the way when the cart hit both of them, breaking my sons femur and skinning and detaching the ligaments from friends lower leg. If friend had not been in the process of doing this the cart would of hit my sons head, and the outcome would have been very different. My 9yo daughter and I went down there after hearing that friend had been "tapped" by a cart , then hearing someone saying that a kid had been badly hurt, to walk into a scene of carnage and people panicking and lying around. 7 were injured in total, 2 other children were flown to hospital with severe head injuries, one was out after a few days thankfully, the other the last I heard will be ok too but was still in hospital.

Our son has been in hospital for 3 weeks, 2in traction and he has a hip spica plaster cast put on in theatre just over a week ago, for his badly broken femur, which is both legs in plaster set in a sitting position most of way down broken leg and half way down the good leg with an envelope hole for doing his business, which he will be in for 3-6 weeks. then 2 days later he came out in chicken pox that he'd picked up from another little one in the hospital. Chicken pox and plaster casts do not mix well, but he has been AMAZING coping with it all. I have been staying at the hospital for the time, sleeping there, and WS was looking after the other 3 with a mix of friends, babysitter and a childminder helping out.

I had noticed him becoming detached in recent months, since I discovered I was pregnant with no 5, had some problems early on which he did not cope well with. I noticed his change in behaviour and gut was screaming when son was in hospital so I confronted last Friday to which he said we will talk later. (Didn't)

Saturday I again confronted on the phone in which a conversation ensued and he said that it is just porn he has been looking at and had done for the last 10 days or so as he was feeling unloved and lonely, whilst I was int he hospital, our R has been bumpy for the last few months, (which it has) we have a crap sex life ( just before the accident I had a couple of times tried to talk to him about it and he had said he'd just gone off sex altogether) he was blame shifting, and nasty, defensive and minimising, was blasé about the boundary being crossed, "yeah I broke it and I know the consequences", he also said that I had made R very hard and he felt "constrained" in his life due to me needing to see pro activity from his end in things like working on his issues, PA, CA, anger, IC, MC, and other things like talking, books, actions etc what I'd stated at the beginning of R I needed to feel safe with him again. That him leaving "would be the best thing for us all", and he and we would be happier. He said I was unforgiving and hadn't accepted it, well what the fuck has the last few years been of me trying to do you twat, I thought. My ACTIONS have shown him grace and compassion and understanding and forgiveness and acceptance but his head is so far up his ass he can't see it. He said that he was going to tell me about doing it and come clean when I came out the hospital for good (yeah right and if this was true, to me I feel that he was self sabotaging R anyway as he knew what that would mean, so he planned to press the nuke button upon our return anyway to enable him to leave and be free of his constrained life with me, the horrible unforgiving hard hearted BS that I am). He has been sporadic throughout R with these things and every few months would mess up with something and cause a sizeable setback for me in my inching forward towards him. Lying, about stuff, etc.

So our son was due to come out on day release on Sunday, I managed to get the nurses to bring it forward and went home with son Saturday night as I couldn't bear not being home with the others, I went into mama bear mode (quietly and nicely).

When I got home my daughter said something about "daddy making an announcement he's moving out" which upset 4yo a lot and 7yo went quiet. We got the kids settled eventually, and knowing the consequence I said he knew what needed to be done, that his actions of looking at porn showed me that he didn't want to be here, so seeing as you don't want to be constrained anymore bye bye.

He grumbled "what now, right now?" , and moaned about not being able to get clothes or a toothbrush despite having to walk past it all to get to the front door.

He slept in his van outside for the night then drove off at 7.30, apparently went to his shop to do paperwork ( it was Father's Day) and the kids and I saw him later for a few hours at the house, after I'd picked up sons meds from the hospital. He's trimmed the garden and had a BBQ with the kids then got a call out to work to go let someone in who had locked themselves out apparently. Who the fuck knows anymore who is who in his phone. The kids were very upset. I managed to take all 4 kids out with son in wheelchair to a playground and have a bit of fun, and normality, despite the previous days events.

He wanted to talk and I said I was tired, but he kept pestering and eventually texted what he so desperately wanted to say, which was that he was sorry (that fucking word) for betraying me and trust breaking again, acknowledged the kids emotions were all up yin the air, that he doesn't want to hurt, dissappoint or betray me again and that he feels like he has to push me and the kids away as he keeps hurting us and doesn't want to. He loves me deeply and is very sad at what he's done again.

He said over the last few days in txt and briefly in person today when he came to collect more clothes and stuff that he 95% wants to help us, because our son is in a wheelchair now, and I'm 71/2 months pregnant, to me that means basically he wants to pop round when it suits him and "help" us whilst in this sitch, and perhaps we could "co-habitate" at this time, so he can help out with son in wheelchair and when the baby is born. (I believe so he can assuge his guilt and shame, and tell himself it's not so bad, and he's not so bad) to which I've told him that it will only serve to confuse the kids by doing this, that there are friends who can help and he himself (before this came out) was encouraging me to use friends help, so that is what I am doing.

He denies any actual screwing of any woman IRL, but to be honest who the fuck knows anymore, he could just be dressing to the porn and had "gone off" sex with me because in heavily pregnant and he's been effing someone else for all I know, so as not to betray his sex with them. He hasn't gone off sex that much if he chooses to look at porn, at the very least, so I know, knew, and felt he had been bullshitting me prior to my sons accident regarding him going off sex dur to tiredness, work, me being preggers etc. let's face it, he had no problem effing prostitutes before, during and after I was pregnant with our now 4yo, maybe he has changed in that department and has some decency now, who cares anyway.

So for the last few days I've been managing on my Todd, with some help from friends, so I could go shopping, I'm quite proud that I've been able to get put in my van with the kids to playground and take my oldest son to his swimming lesson yesterday. WS turned up there too, and told my 9yo to google toxic shame and narcissism, when she asked what's going on daddy why are you saying you are a bad daddy?. I can see he is quite detatched, sadly.

I'm upset as are the kids, when we should have all been rebounding after our traumatic separation due to being on hospital and me not seeing the other 3 kids that much, and instead because of his selfishness and self absorb ness we have now had some of his shit dumped on us again, but it is what it is and I'm gonna get though it.

Not once has he said anything about getting himself help, he's in the wallowing on self pity mode, feeling sorry for himself that he's been sleeping I. The van, or on the floor of his shop, or on someone's sofa, that he hasn't had a wash Ina. Couple p&f days.....what about the kids?...I'm peeved that he's telling the kids about the sleeping on the floor to try and get them to feel sorry for him, when he chose these consequences when he chose to wank to a bunch of whores, well I hope it was a good wank and worth nuking your family again for mate.

I'm pissed at his self sabotage, lack of coping when he knew he could have come to me, and why he chose not to talk to me beforehand, especially as he said he could of done a number of healthier things rather that fap off to porn, but fuck it he did it anyway kind of mindset. I feel that he wanted us to end but, didn't have the balls to come out and say it, like he said he would do if he wanted it over, and has taken the nuke it option just to cause a lot of pain, as he's in a lot of pain probably with his guilt and shame and demon fighting.

No snot bubbling come to Jesus moment from him, just a lot of self pity, much like before, and I gave him the gift, after him being away from the family for over a year whilst he went off to find greener pastures, I do feel a. It of a fool for seemingly wasting these last few years, I know in my heart that if they don't fill the holes themselves then it's gonna happen again, in some form or another, and it has. I do feel an odd sense of calmness at times, it's looking like it's the end after all, especially given he's not doing anything to repair what he's done, he just wants to "95%" help us out whilst son is in wheelchair and I'm pregnant, so what after he's not in a wheelchair and I've had the baby! I suppose it will be ok then to fuck off again as he's "done his helping" ugh. I'd rather just get on with it thanks with help from people I can rely on, who do care for real, who live me for real, who don't have a fucked up agenda, and I actually feel safe with (my friends).

Well of you got this far thanks for reading, just needed to get it out even though it's probably quite jumbled.

Why do some of these WS just not see how blessed they are and instead choose to fuck up what they've been given the chance of having again, even if R is hard work and takes longer than they'd like....I thought it'd be worth it in the end, but it never will be when the WS chooses destructive stuff and fuck it I want to do it and gonna do it anyway even of it nukes my family stuff.

Whhhhhhhhh

Thanks for listening SI

MM

(((MM and Son)))

Holy Cats, honey. First things first - (((((((hugs)))))))

Pardon my language, but what a jackass! How dare he unload his guilt pile all over your poor kids! He made choices, he knew that what he was doing was a game ender, and he did it anyway. He needs to grow up and act the adult, for Pete's sake!

Sending you tons of strength, patience, and support. You've got so much on your plate. Brush him off of it and lean on your friends instead, honey. They'll be much better support than that useless wanker.

Omg mountainmomma, I am so sorry. First things first, hugs and tons of healing thoughts to your sweet boy. How traumatizing for him.

Now on to your WS.....SERIOUSLY? AGAIN????? Please tell me you are NOT going to let him guilt talk you back into your home again. He just doesn't seem to get it. Not even in the least little bit. Then to start using your children to manipulate the situation? WTF? I've told you this before and I will say it again...you deserve so much more than the crumbs he is throwing your way. He is not serious about R. If he were, he would be all over the requirements you have made clear. Bottom line is, he wants to do what he wants to do. What you need is secondary to his self gratification. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I am so freaking pissed off for you. And sad. Sad that he is doing this to you yet again, when you are so vulnerable. He needs to grow the fuck up. In the meantime, please take good care of yourself.

b

Thank you all or nothing and NIK all for your replies, thank you also for reading my rather long post

Boontjie

Please don't think you're being harsh at all, you are quite simply right. I have thought about if the roles were reversed for me and I was the WS, and I too would happily do anything try BS asked of me if I was truly wanting reconciliation. It's really not brain surgery to know to be honest etc and god forbid communicate feelings and thoughts for some it seems it is. For him to say they are "constrictions" when to me they are healthy ways of repairing the damage and healthy ways for him to be and us to be just doesn't add up. I feel his doing this is one of two things, although I have not the time or inclination this time to waste too much of my time analysing it as I've got better things to do, is this, that it is his way of self sabotaging things on his way out the door, and an exit move kind of thing as he does not have the strength to just be honest and say he wants out, he's gotta do it nastily and hurt fully to punish me and thE kids, or 2 he thought I'd let it go after a few words and promises, due to the current sitch and knowing as I think it was you that said how vulnerable I am at this time and the sitch with DS 4.

No, this time his actions and his words have just killed off something inside me, like a switch has been flipped. There's no way a little chat would solve this choice of his. There have been a few times I've pictured him in the act whilst DS4 and I were at the hospital and it just turns my stomach and I switch off even more. Whilst I "understand" people can return to their old coping ways at a very stressful time, and can in an odd way "empathise?" (Not quite the right word)with it, there is just NO excuse for it full stop. Hope I'm making myself clear here.

On another note, the kids and I had a lovely day, went to the shops that DS4 and DD9 wanted to go to after I dropped DS7 at his group, and then we went to the park later with some friends and their kids, who are and have been a great support for me and all of us this recent times and in the last few years. They are horrified and shocked but are all willing to help me and the kids out and it's so nice to know there are people put there who have my back, and I can rely on on a daily basis. They were keen to get me to the park as several of them wanted to have a meeting as to how and when they can be of help. DS 4 who is in the wheelchair had lots of fun, and enjoyed a lolly, brought tears to my eyes and I felt very blessed to be just sitting in the sun watching him eat it, so lucky he is still here, and he is so so brave, all the kids were playing with him and were happily his "servants" which he found to be very amusing indeed. He even tried out some "driving lessons" in his wheelchair on the slightly slopey area we were at.

Was talking to someone earlier and chatting about things that happened at the hospital when son and I were there, how I felt about him being anesthatised in the op theatre and emotions etc, lots of things I had not yet had a chance to talk to about with WS, which I was hoping to when thongs had calmed down (before all this kicked off) which I haven't been able to. I was hoping that when DS came out of hospital that WS and I would have done that to help support each other, after such a traumatise event and debrief ourselves to one another and to talk about how things were for him while we were away, because I really wanted and felt a need to hear his side of things on various levels so he could debrief, too, but I guess he had other things on his mind like what porn movie to get off to. Of course none of that has happened and probably won't. So I'll just process it in other ways. So sad.

My brain seems to be rambling again, so I'll just stop.

Thanks for letting me get it all out on here, just knowing there's people out there who understand means a huge lot.

MM

Just wanted to give you some support. When my son was 2 he broke his femur and was in a spica cast too. It is torturous, but he is a healthy 19 year old now and is a great athlete. You have my thoughts!

No, this time his actions and his words have just killed off something inside me, like a switch has been flipped

^^^^^I hope this keeps you focused on doing what you need for yourself and your babies.

By the way, when is baby due?

b

Hugh! I HATE PORN!!!! I just sit here thinking...so porn is really that important to your WH that he was willing to choose that over everything else? Yeah, I know...Coping mechanism, where they go when stressed or depressed etc. but if he took it seriously enough he'd have gotten in a program to work on his porn issues. I'm a bit jaded can you tell?

Giant hugs to you. I'm so very sorry for your situation. I just feel for you. Thank God your little boy is alive and healing. What a horrific thing to go through.

There's a lot I could respond to but the thing that bothered me the most was your WHs putting this on the children the way he is. That to me is disgusting behavior. The comments to google words and the attempt to gain pity...yuck.

I hope you have a conversation with him and tell him not to do these things. If anything he should have to sit your kids down and take full responsibility and explain that he is the cause for the division in your family...minus the pity party for himself of course.

Thank you all very much for the continued replies

Jendo

Aww so glad to hear your strapping 19 yo is now athletically well over his broken leg, and it hasn't hampered his sports. Yes hip spicas do have their challenges don't they!. Ther were a couple of little 2 year olds in the hospital in traction then spicas with broken legs, they are so brave even at such a tiny age. I Was doing his cast maintenece today again, with the tape and foamy sponge stuff, they do need a lot of looking after...yesterday night he'd had such a deep sleep that he wet himself , which he's never done, so I woke up and spent 45 mins with the hair dryer on it all so he didn't get sore skin. That and kitchen roll seemed to sort it out!. He's being such a trooper. Xx

Boontjie

Baby is due 1st August but I usually pop at around 38 weeks so Im estimating about a month or so left. Bubba has gone quite low in the last week, too. Today I've felt quite sad at times at the incredulity of him just not giving a shit and good family stuff that could of been happening but isn't. Then I picture him tossing off to a pretty hot babe swimming around willingly, back in that place, that world, in the early hours of the night whilst I'm awake and soothing our son who's s crying out in agonising pain with his leg and spasms that he had and just think WTF. Yeah he had a full on day at work and the 3 kids to get sorted but instead of feel good and proud about that, instead, he sees doing that as a constriction and just gotta go feel good and proud about a whore instead and fucking me over.

Fix you

Thanks for replying

I don't think you sound jaded. I agree that the stuff he says is not good. I've expressed this to him already but as with most stuff that comes out my mouth with him it seems to fall on deaf ears, but it will be repeated. WS has chosen to not do any work regarding SA, doesn't believe he is one of them. (his infidelity was IMO quite fitting for that style, many women, SLA loved being in love etc )he did however do some reading on effects of porn and went to a seminar once that included a lot of talk about how destructive it is, and was an anti porn advocate for a time in his mankind project igroup, but all that's obviously been forgotten, as his coldness, unemotional, distant ways, no empathy etc etc etc returned. The fact that he didn't want sex with me apparently because he was tired, busy at work and just not interested in sex at all speaks volumes, I doubt at all it was just whilst our son was in the hospital, or even if it was "just porn" as he claims. He's obviously forgot the desensitising, detaching and becoming callous bit towards your partner when engaging in porn, and how it changes the brain patterns, I guess that's why I got an earful on Saturday about how it was all my fault and how our relationship is so bad cos of me. Whilst I'm not perfect, when im being unknowingly compared to a fantasy, I'll never in his mind be the winner there. Good old fashioned projecting and blame shifting. No wonder I've taken a step back recently and find it hard to be affectionate, not easy when every few months or so something crops up that I retreat at. He doesn't seem to get that bit though.....It's sad because their are many MEN out there that delight in their partners and wives being pregnant, in all manner of aspects, respect and appreciate what they are putting their bodies through to bear his child. For me, knowing my WS would rather look at and get off on another woman's body and hold that in higher regard rather than real life, truly disgusts me. That in his mind I'm second, less than, not as good as, would be better if MM had.....x,y,z like the bimbo I've just tossed off too , just illustrates to me again how much he just does not truly appreciate, nor respect me for me, the gift of family, his children, the chance of R, or anything about me or our children infact to uncaringly, selfishly jeopardise me and them and their safety in such a way, to compare me to a whore and me come off worse, just sick. There are men out there that this crap just isn't on their radar, they see what they have In front of them in real life, and treat her with the respect she deserves, good men.

Just felt today a mix of being pissed and sad at it all. Feel sorry for WS that he's like this , but maybe I shouldn't cos he seems to be ok with it, otherwise he wouldn't have done it.

Oh well, brain bulb over, carry on....

Thanks for listening

MM

Xxxx

[This message edited by mountainmomma at 4:20 PM, June 19th (Thursday)]

I'm nominating you for sainthood. Like, for realz.

I don't even know where to start and honestly, I don't think you need it. You drew your line, he crossed it, you held to the consequences.

MM...you have balls of steel and I applaud you. I really, really do. It's a mess right now but your kids are young and they obviously have an amazing mum and they will be fine. You will be fine.

Sometimes, the best thing a person can do is serve as an example. That's what your children's father is doing right now...serving as an example of what they won't want to be like when they are grown.

And you are serving as an amazing example of how to act when someone treats you less than what you deserve.

You rock MM!

I'm really sorry to hear about the soap box accident. However...gently, I will never understand why BS' bring more babies into this world when there is sex addiction issues & former infidelity with their waywards, but to each there own. I heard Kabbalah is about accepting responsibility for everything that happens to you. Might want to look into that. He doesn't seem like he gets it & a lot of waywards that are taken back so easily don't get it. You have to be willing to give up your marriage in order to save it & that is with both parties willing.

[This message edited by jaime2014 at 5:15 PM, June 19th (Thursday)]

Mountainmomma,

I am so sorry you feel so last place. If men only knew the affect porn can have on us. My self esteem and body image were destroyed. Knowing what H saw, what he chose caused pain unlike I have ever experienced. To hear him try to convince me he enjoys and is attracted to me physically seems impossible since I am not what he looked at. Even now typing this out I feel like I could just start bawling. I get it. It hurts bad. It changes you. It makes you feel ugly and notice every flaw. At least it did for me. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but it would sound trite, I know.

You deserve better. I pray you get to experience one day what it feels like to be adored and admired and cherished as you absolutely should be. You deserve it.

[This message edited by FixYou71 at 11:44 AM, June 20th (Friday)]

Thanks again for the replies,

I just haven't had a minute to reply until now things have been VERY busy.

918mama

Your post made me chuckle with the balls of steel bit. I don't feel like I've got balls of steel, something inside me just died/snapped and I just followed through, I had to. Perhaps he thought I'd let it go, but to be honest, for me, I've been so patient, kind etc etc with him, there was no way on earth I'd let this go, child coming out of hospital or not, stress or not, it's unacceptable and I won't be disrespected anymore. I sometimes wonder if some WS mistake grace and kindness, acceptance and forgiveness as weakness, I wonder this about mine at times as There's been quite a few disrespectful things happen from him and said from him over recent months, and I'm not longer the effing scratching post for his issues which is what I felt I was begginging again allowing myself to become. Thank you for your support xx

Jamie2014

I get that some can never understand re having more children, and their entitled to feel that. for me the bottom line when I have found out I'm pregnant is can I cope with x number, if he buggers off again with a Trollope or dropped dead, the answer has always been a yes for me. So I guess in that regard I'm doing the Kabbalah you have heard of and taking responsibility for what may happen to me. I've never been under any illusion or delusion that having another baby will make it all better, not that you were implying that, I just want to be clear...I do NOT however take responsibility for WS choosing to take a running jump down the slippery slope again, nor do I take responsibility for my sons accident and what he suffered, even though they are things that have happened to me. So I disagree with Kabbalah there. I'm happy to be responsible for getting my son well and doing all his care he needs though, I'm not quite sure where you were going with that, so I disagree with you on certain points about Kabbalah, although I'm sure it's very enlightening and there are things I would take from that. I have to say that whilst everyone's entitled to their opinions you perhaps were not fully understanding of mine, and I don't know where you got the idea from that I took him back easily. You were right about the bitt about him not getting it though

Peace.

Fixyou71

I love reading your posts on SI, you have helped a great many. I totally get what you mean about noticing every flaw and stuff, and how can they possibly say it's us they're attracted to when they are looking and getting off on other females, especially whilst not wanting sex with us as my WS had recently said. I don't actually feel last place myself though, I meant in my post above that in HIS mind I'm last place because of the other women he is choosing to focus on and comparing me to. I don't do competitions with whores in my head now, or IRL, that ship sailed a while ago. In the beginning a few years ago, I picked and tore myself apart and slated myself in my head, he said some awful things to me like he'd had the best years of me, that I was saggy inside and out after having his kids, and yes my self esteem and worth were nuked to hell, I stupidly bought his fantasy and lies but it didn't take me long to see it for the pile of shit it was.

over time a big part of my healing has been to drill into my head that my worth as a person, in looks, etc etc etc is not the sum what he deems it to be. It's what I deem it to be and I'm proud to say I can still have integrity, loyalty, grace, sympathy, understanding, acceptance etc etc etc. At the end of the day it's him and his messed up issues that's the problem here, not how I look or don't. Hell even if I could magically change my tit size, twat size, eye colour and shape, voice and hair colour, skin colour height, age and weight he'd still have the void, and let's just say I could actually do that, it still wouldn't have stopped him choosing to do what he does and did, so eff that I say. I'm certainly not a slob, and for a mum of 4 am a good healthy weight, and I'm lucky enough to ping back into pre baby size within two months of all my births, as I'm plugging the little ones into my boobies which helps, and If I have to pretzel myself into whatever to "keep"him then eff that too. There would be somebody out there that would appreciate me for who I am rather than project all their own crap onto me like he has done, and convince himself I'm the devil reincarnate. I'm not perfect, and since DDay 1 I do find it harder to be more affectionate etc, it's there and I have no problem admitting that to WS, that I don't like that about myself and to be patient, I'm trying very hard, all my soft stuff is still there under my walls, it takes time to come out, but I guess I didn't do it quick enough for him, despite him knowing it takes a long time to get through this stuff properly and healthily. no one is perfect, I'm not that bad though and will not be defiled by someone else's fucked up mindset or ways of being, projected onto me, as hard as it can be at times. You deserve better too honey. I hope you know that, and I wish for you too that you will feel adored and cherished and valued one day. Xx

Ok replies over! Thoughts and getting things out of my brain to follow now update of sorts

WS has been a mix of angry and arsy, trying to blame me for not begginging discussions re him staying for the kids bedtimes and getting them off to sleep and then him slipping away, he doesn't get at all that that would confuse them further, waking up in the morning to find him gone AGAIN, and 4 years ago when he left us, the routine was for him to leave, then I'd have the two hours of crying and then get them off to sleep which is what I'm doing again. The kids became familiar with that routine so that's what's happening again. Saying in front of the kids at the weekend that I'm stopping him speaking to them, which I never have, I feel to try and bait me into an argument, trying to lay on guilt trips, wallowing in his guilt and shame and switching to being nice and thankful.

he said in a txt he has issues with intimacy, expressing his feelings, has a fear of rejection, finds it hard to be vulnerable, and sayshe is a sex/live addict, but it's not the sex apparently (um ok) it's the addiction of feeling loved. He's been asking me what should he do?, and wants my advice and opinions, to which he has had crickets from me. I've spent the last 3 years talking about this to stuff with him, and isn't it funny how just the other week the above had amounted to me "constraining" him and his life, but now he values my thoughts and wants me to engage. I'm SO tired of it all, I'm just meh and not wanting to engage - the last 3 years have got me nowhere, I don't see now how my input would make a difference. Like so many say, if they want to do it they will, regardless of what input or non imput BS give, so time will tell on that one. He said he's enquirer about joining an SA group and apparently posted something here, but IDK, it could all be manipulation to keep me where he wants me while he has his little porn fest and fuck fest again, or maybe he is being truthful in that he's not doing anything bad. I'm really past caring at this point.

For me the sting and hurt and upset of him making those destructive choices again when our son was in hospital (apparently) after all his awareness and enlightenment he learned after the first time is very much taken away by me finding it easier to see his actions for what it is, know that it's got eff all to do with me, and being a second time around and "knowing the drill" its easier for me to put the focus where it should be, on the kids and me. Im not in shock anywhere as near as I was on DDay 1, I'm 8 months preggers for gods sake, wonder if he's given that a thought whilst wrapped up in his stuff, he's a grown man and can pull his own pants up, or not, his choice, I'm just getting on with getting on, and detachment for me is simpler this time around.

Even though I come across above as being quite hard, uncaring and blunt, I do feel very sad for him though and feel very sorry for him, as I can see he is struggling with as he said himself - manning up or moving on (from us, his family, who have always truly unconditionally loved him) he says he feels he needs to push us away to stop hurting us and doesn't want to hurt us or me anymore, he just seems to miss the simple point to just be with is and STOP DOING THINGS TO HURT US!!!,. Be effing nice!. He said that he feels it's out of his control, which I call bullshit on, and actually said to him at the weekend he's choosing to take the cowards way out by saying I've got to abandon you all again cos I'm such an arsehole and keep hurting you all. Really, to me if he loved us that much and was aware of it that much (which I think he is aware of) then he would do what it took to right his wrongs and show us he's not gonna do that anymore. If you really loved someone and knew you d hurt them, and didn't want to, to me it's logical to do something to show you're not to hurt anymore, rather than cause further hurt by leaving. It seems to me his guilt and shame are eating him up, he has low self esteem and value currently, which again I really feel for him for and empathise with, That's his fish to fry though and his choice to make, idk if I could try again, there comes a point when enough a enough and keeping on trying is futile if they arnt wanting to change their destructive hurtful ways. I'm all talked out. Just want some peace away from the drama. Sometimes I don't know if he even realises he's trying to manipulate me back into his issues, sometimes people don't, he's not totally blind though, but not sure. Either way I'm far too busy caring for son in his wheelchair, and 9,7 and 2 year old, and baby in tummy and myself to really apply myself to it.

Anyway if any of you got to the end of this then thank you, I fond it therapeutic to brain dump in typing or writing, I guess it's as much for me as it is for you if any of you feel the need to reply. Or it helps anyone reading this then great.

Thank you all

MM

Xx