Hello
Just need to de bunk my brain of recent events, have a blow off as the shit has hit the fan again, and do some typing therapy to process, please bear with me.
WS has broken the viewing porn boundary, which was clear he would be out if he chose this, as it was very much a gateway to him acting out with prostitutes through 2007/8-2011. He is also very aware of how porn is damaging and the effects etc but still took a running jump on the slope again.
Our 4 year old son was rushed to hospital 3weeks ago after a very trUmatic accident at a bank holiday event we were at, raising money for cancer charity's.
It was a soap box derby where the contestants make non motorised go carts out of stuff and go down the hill to see who will go the furthest.
One of the carts (a "lovely"metal canoe shaped one) did not go round the corner and ploughed into the crowd where WS, our 2yo and 4 yo we're standing. Our 7yo was a few feet away on hay bales. The friend we were with was in the process of yanking my 4yo out of the way when the cart hit both of them, breaking my sons femur and skinning and detaching the ligaments from friends lower leg. If friend had not been in the process of doing this the cart would of hit my sons head, and the outcome would have been very different. My 9yo daughter and I went down there after hearing that friend had been "tapped" by a cart , then hearing someone saying that a kid had been badly hurt, to walk into a scene of carnage and people panicking and lying around. 7 were injured in total, 2 other children were flown to hospital with severe head injuries, one was out after a few days thankfully, the other the last I heard will be ok too but was still in hospital.
Our son has been in hospital for 3 weeks, 2in traction and he has a hip spica plaster cast put on in theatre just over a week ago, for his badly broken femur, which is both legs in plaster set in a sitting position most of way down broken leg and half way down the good leg with an envelope hole for doing his business, which he will be in for 3-6 weeks. then 2 days later he came out in chicken pox that he'd picked up from another little one in the hospital. Chicken pox and plaster casts do not mix well, but he has been AMAZING coping with it all. I have been staying at the hospital for the time, sleeping there, and WS was looking after the other 3 with a mix of friends, babysitter and a childminder helping out.
I had noticed him becoming detached in recent months, since I discovered I was pregnant with no 5, had some problems early on which he did not cope well with. I noticed his change in behaviour and gut was screaming when son was in hospital so I confronted last Friday to which he said we will talk later. (Didn't)
Saturday I again confronted on the phone in which a conversation ensued and he said that it is just porn he has been looking at and had done for the last 10 days or so as he was feeling unloved and lonely, whilst I was int he hospital, our R has been bumpy for the last few months, (which it has) we have a crap sex life ( just before the accident I had a couple of times tried to talk to him about it and he had said he'd just gone off sex altogether) he was blame shifting, and nasty, defensive and minimising, was blasé about the boundary being crossed, "yeah I broke it and I know the consequences", he also said that I had made R very hard and he felt "constrained" in his life due to me needing to see pro activity from his end in things like working on his issues, PA, CA, anger, IC, MC, and other things like talking, books, actions etc what I'd stated at the beginning of R I needed to feel safe with him again. That him leaving "would be the best thing for us all", and he and we would be happier. He said I was unforgiving and hadn't accepted it, well what the fuck has the last few years been of me trying to do you twat, I thought. My ACTIONS have shown him grace and compassion and understanding and forgiveness and acceptance but his head is so far up his ass he can't see it. He said that he was going to tell me about doing it and come clean when I came out the hospital for good (yeah right and if this was true, to me I feel that he was self sabotaging R anyway as he knew what that would mean, so he planned to press the nuke button upon our return anyway to enable him to leave and be free of his constrained life with me, the horrible unforgiving hard hearted BS that I am). He has been sporadic throughout R with these things and every few months would mess up with something and cause a sizeable setback for me in my inching forward towards him. Lying, about stuff, etc.
So our son was due to come out on day release on Sunday, I managed to get the nurses to bring it forward and went home with son Saturday night as I couldn't bear not being home with the others, I went into mama bear mode (quietly and nicely).
When I got home my daughter said something about "daddy making an announcement he's moving out" which upset 4yo a lot and 7yo went quiet. We got the kids settled eventually, and knowing the consequence I said he knew what needed to be done, that his actions of looking at porn showed me that he didn't want to be here, so seeing as you don't want to be constrained anymore bye bye.
He grumbled "what now, right now?" , and moaned about not being able to get clothes or a toothbrush despite having to walk past it all to get to the front door.
He slept in his van outside for the night then drove off at 7.30, apparently went to his shop to do paperwork ( it was Father's Day) and the kids and I saw him later for a few hours at the house, after I'd picked up sons meds from the hospital. He's trimmed the garden and had a BBQ with the kids then got a call out to work to go let someone in who had locked themselves out apparently. Who the fuck knows anymore who is who in his phone. The kids were very upset. I managed to take all 4 kids out with son in wheelchair to a playground and have a bit of fun, and normality, despite the previous days events.
He wanted to talk and I said I was tired, but he kept pestering and eventually texted what he so desperately wanted to say, which was that he was sorry (that fucking word) for betraying me and trust breaking again, acknowledged the kids emotions were all up yin the air, that he doesn't want to hurt, dissappoint or betray me again and that he feels like he has to push me and the kids away as he keeps hurting us and doesn't want to. He loves me deeply and is very sad at what he's done again.
He said over the last few days in txt and briefly in person today when he came to collect more clothes and stuff that he 95% wants to help us, because our son is in a wheelchair now, and I'm 71/2 months pregnant, to me that means basically he wants to pop round when it suits him and "help" us whilst in this sitch, and perhaps we could "co-habitate" at this time, so he can help out with son in wheelchair and when the baby is born. (I believe so he can assuge his guilt and shame, and tell himself it's not so bad, and he's not so bad) to which I've told him that it will only serve to confuse the kids by doing this, that there are friends who can help and he himself (before this came out) was encouraging me to use friends help, so that is what I am doing.
He denies any actual screwing of any woman IRL, but to be honest who the fuck knows anymore, he could just be dressing to the porn and had "gone off" sex with me because in heavily pregnant and he's been effing someone else for all I know, so as not to betray his sex with them. He hasn't gone off sex that much if he chooses to look at porn, at the very least, so I know, knew, and felt he had been bullshitting me prior to my sons accident regarding him going off sex dur to tiredness, work, me being preggers etc. let's face it, he had no problem effing prostitutes before, during and after I was pregnant with our now 4yo, maybe he has changed in that department and has some decency now, who cares anyway.
So for the last few days I've been managing on my Todd, with some help from friends, so I could go shopping, I'm quite proud that I've been able to get put in my van with the kids to playground and take my oldest son to his swimming lesson yesterday. WS turned up there too, and told my 9yo to google toxic shame and narcissism, when she asked what's going on daddy why are you saying you are a bad daddy?. I can see he is quite detatched, sadly.
I'm upset as are the kids, when we should have all been rebounding after our traumatic separation due to being on hospital and me not seeing the other 3 kids that much, and instead because of his selfishness and self absorb ness we have now had some of his shit dumped on us again, but it is what it is and I'm gonna get though it.
Not once has he said anything about getting himself help, he's in the wallowing on self pity mode, feeling sorry for himself that he's been sleeping I. The van, or on the floor of his shop, or on someone's sofa, that he hasn't had a wash Ina. Couple p&f days.....what about the kids?...I'm peeved that he's telling the kids about the sleeping on the floor to try and get them to feel sorry for him, when he chose these consequences when he chose to wank to a bunch of whores, well I hope it was a good wank and worth nuking your family again for mate.
I'm pissed at his self sabotage, lack of coping when he knew he could have come to me, and why he chose not to talk to me beforehand, especially as he said he could of done a number of healthier things rather that fap off to porn, but fuck it he did it anyway kind of mindset. I feel that he wanted us to end but, didn't have the balls to come out and say it, like he said he would do if he wanted it over, and has taken the nuke it option just to cause a lot of pain, as he's in a lot of pain probably with his guilt and shame and demon fighting.
No snot bubbling come to Jesus moment from him, just a lot of self pity, much like before, and I gave him the gift, after him being away from the family for over a year whilst he went off to find greener pastures, I do feel a. It of a fool for seemingly wasting these last few years, I know in my heart that if they don't fill the holes themselves then it's gonna happen again, in some form or another, and it has. I do feel an odd sense of calmness at times, it's looking like it's the end after all, especially given he's not doing anything to repair what he's done, he just wants to "95%" help us out whilst son is in wheelchair and I'm pregnant, so what after he's not in a wheelchair and I've had the baby! I suppose it will be ok then to fuck off again as he's "done his helping" ugh. I'd rather just get on with it thanks with help from people I can rely on, who do care for real, who live me for real, who don't have a fucked up agenda, and I actually feel safe with (my friends).
Well of you got this far thanks for reading, just needed to get it out even though it's probably quite jumbled.
Why do some of these WS just not see how blessed they are and instead choose to fuck up what they've been given the chance of having again, even if R is hard work and takes longer than they'd like....I thought it'd be worth it in the end, but it never will be when the WS chooses destructive stuff and fuck it I want to do it and gonna do it anyway even of it nukes my family stuff.
Whhhhhhhhh
Thanks for listening SI
MM