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What do I need?

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brokenlove2012 posted 6/17/2014 18:26 PM

It has been 2 long years of up and down. Today WH asked me what I needed to be able to forgive him and I didn't know what to say. So what did you need to forgive you wayward spouse?

saturnpatrick posted 6/17/2014 22:18 PM


kansas1968 posted 6/17/2014 23:48 PM

It has been almost four years and honestly I don't know either. I know that I haven't forgiven him and maybe I never will. I just don't know. Maybe it will just happen. We get along fine and talk about the affair every once in a while, but the forgiveness part just hasn't happened. Every time I think about forgiveness I remember everything that happened and I know I am not there.

Maybe it really is just time and a remorseful spouse of course.

Gotmegood posted 6/17/2014 23:50 PM

Wow. Pretty big question, one that I've thought about a lot. Just tonight I was reading a post wherein a fully R'd survivor of infidelity wrote that forgiving was freeing. I want that. I don't shake anymore. Most of the time I can feel happy. I am fairly trustful that this horror will not happen to me again. I rarely cry. I think I can love fWH again, with only minimum reservation. But forgive it? Not there yet...maybe I don't even know what real forgiveness is.

RidingHealingRd posted 6/18/2014 00:01 AM

Just days after Dday my WH said, "I know you will never forgive me...." I cut him off mid-sentence to let him know that he was 100% correct about that, I would never forgive him.

My WH has been genuinely remorseful, deeply committed to fixing what he destroyed, and has followed through with every promise. He is a better H, father and human being. 3 1/2 years out and I still will never forgive him. Some things are just to HUGE to forgive. For me, infidelity tops that list.

I never stressed over forgiveness.

If you are open to forgiving him but are not sure when that will occur then explain that to him.

If you have no plans to forgive him, just tell him that.

If it bothers you that he asks, then tell him to stop and explain that you do not need the added stress.

Ibelieveinme posted 6/18/2014 00:10 AM


It's been 8 years for me and believe you me I was right where you are. I came back on here because I wanted to pay homage to the very people that helped me through what I thought at the time was a death. I did, I thought I could handle a death of someone way better than I was handling this infidelity. But through TIME and it is TIME, that we made it. I was truly fortunate that my H came out of the fog and realized what he was about to loose. I got stronger, I did the 180 and it really works. I remember coming on here and thinking WTF is 180 and looking through the items I was also like WTF I don't have time to do this. But I made the time, I took care of myself for once in my life I was taking care of myself, it all went great from there. I need to add, that "I" took care of myself and my H saw the shift and he decided he wanted to shift along side with me. I didn't beg him (well at first I did) but I got to know "me" and I love me and when you start to love YOU, it shifts. Hugs to you!

mbbd posted 6/18/2014 06:30 AM

This is such a great thread. Our MC said a few months back that he thought I had forgiven my H although I had said I would not. NOT EVER. I said I have accepted it but I would never forgive him. I told him it is a daily struggle to continue life with him and I am constantly reminded of the pain that I beg to leave me. I told him I am not working toward forgiveness. Yes, it's too much to forgive.

I will say that my anger gets in the way of acceptance and that his efforts for remorse are often struck with me lashing out. My H said at one point that it was the worst mistake of his life. I barked at him that a mistake is not bringing coupons to the supermarket, saying something you don't mean... not a long term affair. That was a choice. The MC asks me to try to acknowledge his pain and constant efforts. It has been said that the irony of rebuilding a marriage damaged by infidelity is that the person that did the damage is also the foreman of the construction to fix it.The MC says that if I forgive him, it will be easier to accept the work he is doing and get the benefits from it. It would be great if that were so.

What do you need brokenlove? What can he possibly do? If he is doing the work, is that worth your forgiveness?

I hope the remorse is there for you. I have it bigtime from my H but it isn't enough. He is also a better husband and father... but it doesn't work toward forgiveness for me.

Wishing us all strength!

Neverwudaguessed posted 6/18/2014 07:05 AM

I hope to one day forgive, but I am not there just yet. Just when I feel like I am doing better, I am hit by the magnitude of the betrayal; the sex, the words used when in total despair that allows OW to walk around believing that my husband does love her and has created an excuse for herself as to why he chose to stay with me rather than be with her.

But when I really look at how low in despair and loneliness and how ill equipped my husband was to deal with his own feelings, needs etc,much less the demands and dynamics of being in a relationship and understand that he could not give me what I needed which made him feel terrible about himself, I begin to have compassion for him and his internal struggles, and how that led him to act in ways that not only betrayed me, the woman he loves most in the world, but betrayed himself by desperately seeking out maladaptive and destructive ways to feel good inside. Doing this went against every value he held dear causing him to feel even worse than what he was feeling in the first place. He went so far off track, not knowing how to help himself or us, and now he has to live with that forever. Does the presence of compassion for the betrayer show signs of the potential for forgiveness? I don't know…...

overandone posted 6/18/2014 07:37 AM

We're just over 2 years from d-day, which makes 3 years since fWH finished his LTA.

Acceptance of what happened, a very remorseful husband who does everything he can to make things good between us (including putting up with my occasional outbursts), me being 99% sure he won't stray again, me working on my own issues during the marriage.

But forgiveness? Like some others have said, not sure it'll ever happen. He's never asked and if he did I think I'd have to be honest and say 'no'. At least not yet.

veronique12 posted 6/18/2014 07:43 AM

Very well said, neverwudaguessed. There are times when I can feel compassion for my H's struggles too and that seems as close to forgiveness as I can get. At only 6 months out, though, I don't think that forgiveness can be on the table for me yet. I'm still working through that this actually happened, adjusting to the new dynamics of my M, and watching H very closely for signs of true remorse and that he really wants our M to work.

Gosh, brokenlove, what would my H have to do for me to forgive him? That's tough. I suspect that even with my H continuing to work on himself, with him doing everything right, that I won't ever truly forgive him. I hope to come to terms with what happened, to eventually see him for the man he has become after a lot of hard work and not the cowardly ass who cheated. But for me I think that forgiveness and trust are somehow bound together and I know I will never completely trust him again.

brokenlove2012 posted 6/18/2014 11:05 AM

Thank you for all of the input. It had been a very rough 2 years and not sure if I will ever be able to forgive but I want to for myself. I want to be free from all of this built up stuff. I am not sure if we will stay together yet. It will take a lot of positive actions to convince me to stay and I am hoping with that will come forgiveness. I don't want to be bitter and angry forever.

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