That being said having to or being forced out if your comfort zone on this area is in my opinion a No.
It is about respecting yourself. Sounds like he was just venting.
Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.
Should sex with your spouse be something you expect as part of marriage?
Yes. If we continue to believe that sex outside the marriage is wrong then we are also saying that sex is to be within the marriage. Thus spouses should expect the marriage to be the outlet for sex.
Or is it like when you're dating, that it might not happen?
Yes to this too. Just because you are married you are not entitled to sex at any given moment. So there is a balancing that has to happen and this can get tough when partners have different drives and expectations. Although in a good marriage both partners will be working towards the partnership called marriage.
As for the acquaintance, pretty rude. As for your XH nothing is an excuse for cheating.
As my M disintegrted our sex life got worse and worse and it was never great. At the end I was performing out of a sense of obligation. He never forced me but it was awful.
I do think that sex is part of a healthy relationship. If the sex life isn't healthy then issues in the relationship might need to be addressed. We all have different sex drives and that should be addressed if its the only problem.
Sex should never be forced or an 'obligation' imo.
I have much more satisfying, passionate sex with my SO than I ever did with X husband. It is mostly because our overall relationship is better. We are also in agreement that a healthy sex life is important for our emotional connection. We talk about it and acknowledge it's importance. We make physical touch part of the day all day every day which leads to an easier connection. Its just a little extra touch on the arm, hand holding, kissing etc...not full blown gropefest or anything. Even if I'm not in the mood and he is, i feel a connection and intimacy that makes it pretty easy to get in the mood.
OTOH he is also understanding and loving if I'm just pooped, had a bad day or just not feeling it. There's no guilt, no pressure just tenderness. He knows that once in a while, its just not going to happen.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
Your second question - whether you were a bad wife? From your description, it sounds like a bad marriage - one that wasn't meeting anyone's needs. You weren't treated with respect or affection. Of course you wouldn't want to be intimate with someone who treated you like that. That doesn't make you wrong or bad - it reflects on the state of the relationship, not on you as a wife.
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
that answer to that is no
Don't let her make you question yourself. It's obvious she set out to mentally sabotage you with her comments from the get-go.
You'll be doing yourself a huge favor the next time you see her to just walk away from her. Do not talk to her, do not engage on any level.
She intended to ruin your day. I think she succeeded. Toxic!
In my circumstance, my wife and I have very different sex drive. Mine is off the charts.. hers.. well. I would say its not unhealthy, but its not even in the same ball park as mine. Its an issue, but one I hope we can work out. Still.. this does not entitle me to an affair.. nor would it entitle anyone to an affair.
Just the other day "The Women" was on TV.. and it got to the scene in the Lesbian bar where Debra Messing's character began the whole.. "what did you do to cause this?" Bull crap. Which pissed my wife off.. so she turned it off. With this innudation in media of cheater apologists, im not surprised at this is the prevailing mentality for the majority of people not affected by infidelity.
If sex has begun to feel like a duty or a chore, both partners in the marriage are to blame. One might be selfish or clueless or just not open to instruction. It is definitely a chore and a libido killer to feel pressured to perform sex acts that are painful, unsavory, or just plain banal.
The high sex drive/low sex drive phenomenon is also tricky. Often times the low sex drive spouse might blossom sexually with someone else. Often times the high sex drive spouse might just be really bad in bed. People who are mismatched sexually get married all the time.
Your ex is a jerk for saying that about you and your acquaintance sounds horrible. I always wonder about men who complain about wives/girlfriends rejecting them sexually. It is not really something I'd be bragging about if it were me. It would be an embarrassment.
It was very frustrating to me that the X was no where near as interested in sex as I was. When he developed ED, we moved to another form of sex, and it was what it was. I never considered him a 'bad husband' for not being as sexual as I was, though.
That's why it was so hurtful when I discovered he was using viagra with the OW--thousands of dollars worth. He wouldn't even discuss it with me. I even offered to pay for it. Bleh.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
But I think within the marriage you also have a right to be respected and valued.
Communication communication communication.
But if he's an idiot, you can talk till the cows come home and he's still going to be an idiot and not get it.
Was I wrong that I liked and still like to feel respected and treated nicely before any intimacy
Do you think that it is a duty of the spouse to supply sex if the spouse wants it but communication and emotional intimacy isn't always there?
That's good you're happy even though everybody said he's too young for you and it wouldn't last because he'll get tired of you".
he was "sick of having to be nice to my wife (me) so I could have sex with her once a week
I obviously feel strongly about this subject, but here is what happens when you tell someone it is their duty to have sex with someone because they are married.....being the good little "insert my former religion" girl I was, I felt it was my duty to have sex with my first husband to keep him satisfied and happy in the marriage. He ignored me, treated me like a servant, didn't care about my emotional needs, and was very controlling. I would lay there and stare at the ceiling, sometimes while tears ran down my face, while waiting for him to hurry up and finish. Never again. I actually love sex and with my new SO, who takes the time to make sure my emotional needs are met and makes me feel like a priority, the only time I am not in the mood for him is when I am sick.
Sex is not a duty. It is a privilege and a sacred expression of the bond between two people. When that bond starts to crack, it needs to be fixed or it is time to move on.
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:34 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]
I agree with you. No one should have to have $ex in or out of a M. When I found out my X was cheating, something very intimate died inside of me. I tried to continue to have sex, but it was all mechanics.
When I found out the running around continued; I was done emotionally. I stopped having sex with him.
To have sex with him when my heart wasn't there, was like being violated. It was such a sad, empty feeling.
But the past is past...now for your NB relationship , how do you feel now? Do you feel that connection and desire?
I was so worried something might of permanently died inside of me during my M because I lost all desire. I am so happy to report that is not the case. I have been able to connect very deeply (and sensually) in my NB relationships. Have you been able to reconnect?
He was unkind to me, emotionally abusive, distant, moody, tired, uninvolved in our life, unplugged and had PE issues (I love a quickie, I don't need much foreplay and am very quick/easy to orgasm but 2 mins every time bugs the shit out me - it felt disrespectful) - all of this killed my libido. I barely even masturbated.
I still initiated and responded to sexual contact around 3 times per week. It wasn't enjoyable, mostly BJs for him and he was done in 2 mins or sometimes too drunk to come (I hate stinking drunk sex).
There was no connection yet he's trying it on and get angry when I rebuffed him or would get angry that I wouldn't give him a BJ even though I had told him I wanted sex because it had been BJs the last few times. Didn't matter.
I'm sure he has blamed my lack of libido for his cheating. Never mind that for the first 6 years he knocked me back more often than not.
So no - sex isn't a duty. It is an aspect of connection and intimacy, not the only one or even the most important one.
Since I got rid of him my libido came back with a vengeance. I don't have to deal with PE, ED, moodiness and disrespect.
Was I wrong that I liked and still like to feel respected and treated nicely before any intimacy?
I just want to weep t this question! Honey, no, you are not wrong. You should have been treated with love and care and you were not; a drop in sex (to a pretty normal level for a long-term couple, I think) is the fallout of HIS behavior and rests on him.
You had a bad husband--that is why you didn't want to have sex. He blamed you because he is probably an entitled asshole.
We all deserve to have sex from our partners if we treat them lovingly and with understanding that sometimes life gets away.
But a slip of paper saying you are married does not equal a 'redeem for sex regardless of how you treat your partner' voucher.
I am so sorry that this acquaintance has brought back a feeling of guilt or responsibility. If someone expected me to have sex with them and yet gave me no kindness or attention, I would never want to be intimate with them--and I have a pretty high libido.
If you don't believe in the biblical context of marriage then I guess you just get to make up your own rules and that is where confusion reigns IMO.