Wow, what a roller coaster! I have been all over the place, from roaring mad, to hysterically begging him to leave me and end this pain. Beating myself up that even if he is being open and honest now that I don't deserve to be happy (lots of issues) to making realisations that I want to be happy and healthy and facing some issues from my past that have been holding me back. Not for him by the way, but for me!
WH has been pretty solid throughout, holding me when I cry, telling me over and over the affair had nothing to do with me, telling me the one area he was will to be selfish in at the moment was for him to stay and put me through this because it's what he wants and won't ever do this to me again.
He isn't perfect, he still has some interesting thoughts and ideas based on ideologies held from before dday, but he is being willing to look at that, by posting here, talking to me and willing to talk about it in mc.
But what has made me start to think he may actually, for the first time in his life, really be wanting to change and be better was a conversation he had with his mum. Now granted I didn't hear the conversation but the way WH has gotten away with lying for so long is to make sure the lie was fairly unvarifiable. This conversation totally is... Probably more so then I'd like, meaning I might have to face the ramifications head on.
So WH's mum know about his affairs and lies. I asked him to be accountable to someone besides me after both ddays and he chose his mum. Since then she has been very supportive of WH, to the point where I have felt uncomfortable being around them. I had wanted her to be someone that would HOLD him accountable, be a sounding board if he needed it, someone to be honest with him about the consequences of his actions whilst supporting him and loving him. She has seen her role as just loving him and staying out of our marriage. This has made me feel like they are minimising (her and her husband) and rugs weeping and like maybe this is all my fault.
She asked WH if we would go down for an overnight visit, and I just felt crappy about the idea. Shared with WH why and he totally supported me. The next day he spoke to her and tried to explain what he and I needed from her and paint a bit of a picture about what is actually happening in our marriage, and how long it will take to get to a more happy place. WH asked her how long she thought this would take, wanting to gauge her understanding, and she said her and her husband had thought that about now I should be making a final decision as to R or D and be moving on either way.
But the biggest thing for me was WH telling her that he knows us not going to visit them is hard, we have a 5 month old and he is the first grandchild, but that if she had any resentment, anger or blame, to lay it at his door, that it is his fault, not mine!
He took full responsibility, backed me up 100%, supported my feelings and didn't try to minimise so that the conversation would be easier for him. He also didn't try to manipulate to get what he wanted without being bare faced honest.
The ice around my heart is starting to thaw, just a little. For the first time I feel like he really could love me and want this relationship. That he really is willing to change, be open and honest. There is still a long journey and this by no way means we are cured and all better. But it's a step right! I'm not crazy for finding this a positive... Right?