Sorry that I haven't been on here much lately (I was getting on with life and me and FWH are doing great atm). I wondered where to post this but think I need wise help from some of you long timers too so put it here as opposed to anywhere else. And because I'm not a newbie I didn't think JFO was the right place either so....
Can you go back for a moment? Do you remember that first time when you found out? It happened to my beautiful DD last night. She woke me and FWH in the middle of the night in hysterics.
Some background info: she's just left Uni and was in a LTR with FUTURE-SonIL-of- MrsDoubtfire. He lives in another country and they had (or so it seemed) already mapped out their lives; discussed kids names and where they would live etc. DD thought that after being cynical about men due to my FWH's unfaithfulness and the crap we went through (and the pain she saw me go through) she had given her heart to a decent, faithful and honest man!! She actually said she thought long and hard about falling in love with him. And when she did it was because she thought she'd found 'her one!'
Anyway, they have never had trust issues and she has never has reason to doubt him. Yet, last night she said she had a strange feeling (remind me to speak to her about the gut!!) and went into his accounts (she has full access and pw's so always felt he was being open and honest) but what she found has broken her heart....
He is in a conversation with 10 of his mates and they are sending crap like pics of girls with the words "this one is hot!" Etc then she reads that he is going to spend the weekend with a married woman double his age who he describes as "not attractive at all; she has bad acne but it looks like I will get a fuck if I play my cards right!!" This convo happened a week ago (so yarr to her gut I guess!!)
To mine and Mr Doubtfire's mind - if he went to her house the outcome is a done deal and they fucked!
I never thought it was possible to experience a pain worse than the moment you find out..... but when you have to see that same pain etched on the face of your child ... trust me... It cuts deeper!
Anyway, DD is going to dump that POS and I have told her she first needs to sleep on it then I will talk her through it.
I need your help: here's what I've complied so far.
1. Tell him you've been told he cheated and see what he says/ admits as you NEVER reveal your true source.
2. Remember, a cheater cheats because of their own screw ups and not because you did or didn't so something. It says everything about his psyche and nothing about you as a person.
3. Don't cry as a remorseful wayward will feel like shit anyway and an umremorseful one won't give a toss ( forgive the swearing but I am beyond angry ).
4. If, as you say, you know he adores you (which is what makes this harder for her to accept as he seemed to genuinely worship the ground she walks on) he WILL be devastated and will cry and beg. But that is his doing and not yours and is not because you are breaking up with him so don't feel guilty at seeing his pain.
5. Drink water; eat food and try to sleep.
6. I PROMISE I will get you through this. You feel like your whole future has been snatched away but this really is a gift. Now you know what he has done you have a choice that you didn't have yesterday. Treat this as a positive and not the end of your life.
7. By all means tell him what a piece of shit he is but make sure you look your best and only say what is relevant to breaking up with him. Don't let him suck you into some sob story unless he is willing to put the work in to change his sorry ass and unless you are beyond sure he is able to change. (She's already answered this one as she says he is hundreds of miles away atm so she wouldn't be able to see if he's putting In the work. She saw her dad changing from a cheating scumbag into the wonderful man he is but she saw how hard and painful that process actually was)!
8. You will have children someday. Just because you were already planning a wedding and a family it doesn't mean this has all been snatched away.
9. Always always trust your gut when it tells you something is not right. Never ignore the gut!
And this is where I drew a a blank. 3 hours sleep will do that. Can you offer any additional advice I can give her that will help?
I know she is better off without him but platitudes are not what she needs right now. I need to empower her and to give her a plan and a future. Heck, hearing her weep and saying her life is over when she is only in her 20's is heartbreaking to hear.
She is a kind and beautiful and caring and well rounded girl. I honestly believes she would be spared the shit of infidelity because of her very nature!
Thanks guys and sorry to waffle on. And sorry I haven't been on helping out as much.
[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 3:10 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]