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MrsDoubtfire posted 6/18/2014 03:08 AM

Sorry that I haven't been on here much lately (I was getting on with life and me and FWH are doing great atm). I wondered where to post this but think I need wise help from some of you long timers too so put it here as opposed to anywhere else. And because I'm not a newbie I didn't think JFO was the right place either so....

Can you go back for a moment? Do you remember that first time when you found out? It happened to my beautiful DD last night. She woke me and FWH in the middle of the night in hysterics.

Some background info: she's just left Uni and was in a LTR with FUTURE-SonIL-of- MrsDoubtfire. He lives in another country and they had (or so it seemed) already mapped out their lives; discussed kids names and where they would live etc. DD thought that after being cynical about men due to my FWH's unfaithfulness and the crap we went through (and the pain she saw me go through) she had given her heart to a decent, faithful and honest man!! She actually said she thought long and hard about falling in love with him. And when she did it was because she thought she'd found 'her one!'

Anyway, they have never had trust issues and she has never has reason to doubt him. Yet, last night she said she had a strange feeling (remind me to speak to her about the gut!!) and went into his accounts (she has full access and pw's so always felt he was being open and honest) but what she found has broken her heart....

He is in a conversation with 10 of his mates and they are sending crap like pics of girls with the words "this one is hot!" Etc then she reads that he is going to spend the weekend with a married woman double his age who he describes as "not attractive at all; she has bad acne but it looks like I will get a fuck if I play my cards right!!" This convo happened a week ago (so yarr to her gut I guess!!)

To mine and Mr Doubtfire's mind - if he went to her house the outcome is a done deal and they fucked!

I never thought it was possible to experience a pain worse than the moment you find out..... but when you have to see that same pain etched on the face of your child ... trust me... It cuts deeper!

Anyway, DD is going to dump that POS and I have told her she first needs to sleep on it then I will talk her through it.

I need your help: here's what I've complied so far.

1. Tell him you've been told he cheated and see what he says/ admits as you NEVER reveal your true source.

2. Remember, a cheater cheats because of their own screw ups and not because you did or didn't so something. It says everything about his psyche and nothing about you as a person.

3. Don't cry as a remorseful wayward will feel like shit anyway and an umremorseful one won't give a toss ( forgive the swearing but I am beyond angry ).

4. If, as you say, you know he adores you (which is what makes this harder for her to accept as he seemed to genuinely worship the ground she walks on) he WILL be devastated and will cry and beg. But that is his doing and not yours and is not because you are breaking up with him so don't feel guilty at seeing his pain.

5. Drink water; eat food and try to sleep.

6. I PROMISE I will get you through this. You feel like your whole future has been snatched away but this really is a gift. Now you know what he has done you have a choice that you didn't have yesterday. Treat this as a positive and not the end of your life.

7. By all means tell him what a piece of shit he is but make sure you look your best and only say what is relevant to breaking up with him. Don't let him suck you into some sob story unless he is willing to put the work in to change his sorry ass and unless you are beyond sure he is able to change. (She's already answered this one as she says he is hundreds of miles away atm so she wouldn't be able to see if he's putting In the work. She saw her dad changing from a cheating scumbag into the wonderful man he is but she saw how hard and painful that process actually was)!

8. You will have children someday. Just because you were already planning a wedding and a family it doesn't mean this has all been snatched away.

9. Always always trust your gut when it tells you something is not right. Never ignore the gut!

And this is where I drew a a blank. 3 hours sleep will do that. Can you offer any additional advice I can give her that will help?

I know she is better off without him but platitudes are not what she needs right now. I need to empower her and to give her a plan and a future. Heck, hearing her weep and saying her life is over when she is only in her 20's is heartbreaking to hear.

She is a kind and beautiful and caring and well rounded girl. I honestly believes she would be spared the shit of infidelity because of her very nature!

Thanks guys and sorry to waffle on. And sorry I haven't been on helping out as much.

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 3:10 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

wannabenormal posted 6/18/2014 04:30 AM

As a mother, I'd just want to hold her and tell her it's all going to be okay.

As a person - I would ask what she is willing to accept?

Was this a one time thing?

Is HE remorseful and patching things up?

Does she want to patch things?

Maybe they have planned things like marriage and babies, but it's not in stone. She sounds young, better to know now.

She has a choice now; stay or go.

Be there for her 110% percent; she will survive this.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!

Being divorced now, I'm a little more cynical and say cut your losses now.

cantaccept posted 6/18/2014 04:47 AM

I am so sorry!

My son went through this also, March 2013. He was 1500 miles away, had moved with her 5 years before to help while she was in grad school, for psychology of all things. They also had their lives mapped out.

Really the most important thing was to let him talk and talk and talk. She left him immediately and gave him the ilybnilwy speech so he had no one else to talk to.

It really is so hard to see your child go through this.

The dreaded word time.

I also sent him things to read, the basics about the 180 and they always affair down.

Also, I really made a conscious effort to reinforce all of his good qualities to him.

It has been a year, he is better.

He moved home 6 months ago, living with me. We have actually become closer than I ever thought possible. We can talk about anything now. We have conversations that I never expected to have with my child.

She is lucky to have you there. Just love her, really that is all you can do.

I am so sorry, for both of you.

Hidingmyhurt posted 6/18/2014 06:42 AM

While I don't have a child this has happened to, the one thing that has truly helped me through my DDay has been the support of a loving friend who is like my mother. My mother has dementia, and so I have not burdened her with the details (I've had to tell her 3 times at least that we're divorcing because she doesn't remember the conversation). But I digress...what really helped me from my friend was not the advise as much as the support. She let me tell her what thoughts the A has caused me to have, and then responded to those. It helped me a great deal because it allowed me to focus my thoughts. It also provided me with what I needed at the time, which was to have the fears which were foremost in my mind addressed.
((((HUGS))))

Lalagirl posted 6/18/2014 06:54 AM

(((((MrsDoubtfire & DD))))))

I am so sorry. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling for your precious DD - and I am proud of you for not calling the SOB yourself and telling him to go pound sand. Mamma bear instinct is strong, so I know it is taking a lot for you to handle this with grace and dignity, which you are.

I think you outlined everything perfectly. You will help her get through this. She may decide to try R, only to get hurt again...which sucks, but let her follow the path that she wants/needs to...support and guide her either way.

Sending both of you strength & hugs...

Lala

MrsDoubtfire posted 6/18/2014 07:49 AM

Thanks for the advice and support guys.

She hasn't spoken to him yet but the POS keeps calling and asking her to talk to him. He doesn't know what she knows but, last night, before she came and told us she sent him a simple "fuck you!" Text! I have told her to ignore him until she knows what it is she wants to do and after we have had a chance to sit down and talk.

Wannabe normal, as yet we don't know how remorseful he is ( not that much as he got caught!!) and as far as she can see this was his only time he cheated but, like she kept saying last night, he can beg til the cows come home. It won't alter the fact he screwed someone else.
I think her initial feeling is to dump him!

Funnily enough FWH is adamant that she dumps him and walks away!! Go figure- I thought he might talk about giving him a second chance but he takes a real hard line on adultery nowadays!!

My instinct is to bury the POS 6 feet under and alive but I'm a realist so this is only a fantasy!!

I am going to try to be as impartial as I can be but will aim to be the rock that you guys were for me when I found out.

I think she is strong though so don't think she will resort to tears and begging and the rubbish I did before I found you all. I hope to steer her well enough that she keeps her dignity in all this.

This day is going so slowly. I wanna be at home with her!

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 7:50 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

JanaGreen posted 6/18/2014 08:09 AM

Oh, that just turns my stomach. I'm so sorry Mrs.D.

sudra posted 6/18/2014 08:13 AM

So sorry for you and your DD.

Doesn't sound like his first rodeo - if she's interested in R, she should dig deeper to see if he's cheated before.

Hugs to you both.

MrsDoubtfire posted 6/18/2014 08:22 AM

Sudra, his last GF cheated on him and he said it devastated him and that he though cheating was a despicable act!! He's right about that!

Pity he's now inflicted that pain on my DD

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 8:22 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

cantaccept posted 6/18/2014 08:32 AM

I actually think I feel more anger towards my sons exgirlfriend than I do towards wh.

That is saying a whole lot!

If I saw her I honestly don't know if I could hold back from saying what I really think about her!

Hurt me, I can take it, hurt my kid and I want to, well, I don't think I should put it in writing.

I have been thinking about you both all morning. Sending hugs and strength.

You will be her rock. You know all this first hand and survived it.

annanew posted 6/18/2014 08:39 AM

Don't be too neutral! By all means, if she wants to dump him, don't discourage her. I would prepare her for the fact that as soon as she talks to him her current clarity will go out the window, he will muddy the picture with denials and stories, she may not know what to believe. Also, don't project too much of your own situation onto hers. Early relationships are different from long marriages with kids. Even if he changes now it's no guarantee he won't resort to similar behavior when things get tough later on. Early relationships are (supposed to be) comparatively easy.

(Btw I am an old timer from about 10 years ago despite my new account.)

painfulpast posted 6/18/2014 08:46 AM

Tell her not to fall for his lies. I can already hear this one - he'll deny deny deny until she finally says what she knows. He'll say it was just 'guy talk' and a joke and whatnot. We all know it's a lie, but he'll do it anyway.

Also, before she says a thing, ask her to get screen shots of what she's seen before he can delete it.

Holly-Isis posted 6/18/2014 08:47 AM

Honestly, his attitude is waving HUUUUUUGE red flags. Yeah, it might be some bravado with "the guys".

He's not just cheating on your DD, he's picking a married woman to do so with. One he claims to not even be attracted to.

To me this screams lack of respect for committed relationships and women in general.

Yes, by all means let her know how to survive these early days after d-day. But also encourage her to lean how to keep her eyes open for red flags. Frankly, I don't think anyone should be in a fixer-upper relationship this early on. Better to learn how to adjust your picker. To be emotionally healthy enough that you're not picking someone so deeply damaged.

Then work through the regular relationship issues, including slippery slope awareness and communication. Not Just Friends should be pre-M reading, IMO.

MrsDoubtfire posted 6/18/2014 08:51 AM

She was wayyyyy ahead of me on that one. I told her to gather her evidence and she said she'd already taken screenshots as she needed to be able to re read it once he started to try to wheedle his way out of it!!

She's smarter than I was!

I'm going home now so will try to let you know what goes down later.

Thanks for the advice about the fact she will lose her clarity as soon as they speak. I need to warn her about that one. That's great advice.

sisoon posted 6/18/2014 09:55 AM

1. As Holly-Isis indicates, he's probably going to say, 'Of course I didn't cheat - I was just trying to be one of the guys....' Make sure your daughter is prepared for that.

2. Gently, IMO you won't get her through this; she will get herself through. Just tell her you're there for her, and you'll share what you've learned when she wants to hear it.

3. Yes, having my son go through this would be worse than my own experience.

4. I wish your daughter the best. She sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and is in touch with her gut. That's terrific.

solus sto posted 6/18/2014 10:01 AM

I'm very, very sorry for your daughter's pain, and for yours. My daughter, and both of my nieces, have been betrayed, as well. It is awful.

Gently, no:

I PROMISE I will get you through this.

She will.

You know that. You can be supportive. You can offer guidance. You can't fix it.

Fortunately, it sounds like she has a great head on her shoulders.

What is your FWH's response to this? This is ...unfortunate fallout from being raised by fathers who cheat, I fear. (Yes, both of my sisters are BSs, too; our daughters--while they did not for a MINUTE stand for the infidelity---did, in fact, attract men who cheated because, well, that's what was comfortable for them. Then. It's something to explore in IC so that the pattern does not repeat.)

DixieD posted 6/18/2014 10:09 AM

That is terrible Mrs. D. I feel so sorry for your daughter.

The one thing you didn't mention was about their sexual activity and her getting tested for STD if necessary.

He lives in another country

he seemed to genuinely worship the ground she walks on

he is going to spend the weekend with a married woman double his age who he describes as "not attractive at all; she has bad acne but it looks like I will get a fuck if I play my cards right!!"

his last GF cheated on him and he said it devastated him and that he though cheating was a despicable act!!

All this to me screams sociopath and I would run if I was her. Being in another country and he's talking about screwing some old ugly married chick like it's no big deal. This is not the first time I'm afraid. I think he's just been telling her what she's wanted to hear for his own kicks. .....or maybe I've just become really jaded....

Hugs to you all.

Lalagirl posted 6/18/2014 10:15 AM

Good luck today.

Sending lots of mojo to your DD as well...we're all behind her!!!

deena04 posted 6/18/2014 10:50 AM

So sorry for what you're going through. Mess with mama is one thing. Mess with mama's babies is a whole new level of don't even think about it!

painpaingoaway posted 6/18/2014 12:00 PM

I'm so sorry your DD has had to experience this hell. Hugs to her.

I know you said he lives in another country, but I would highly recommend she be STD tested regardless of when their last sexual encounter was. Better safe than sorry.