SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I got an e-mail last night (Tuesday night) from my “wayward”. I present it here in its entirety - minus any names or what type of surgery she is having.

i know you dont want to hear from me but i wanted to tell u that the $100.00 i am owed by United for [THE PUPPY] will b sent to u . i assume it wil also be made out to u .. as u probably am , i am at a loss as to what to do ..i was counting on this money 2 be used towards my [DELETED] surgery . I dont know if u r at all interested in helping but i would appreciate your response ..sorry to bother u .. [HER NAME]

A bit of background for those who may not have read any of my discussions –

She is American and I am Canadian. She was with me until she went back to her homeland (a six hour flight) for potential surgery which has now been set. She was to stay with her younger sister and brother-in-law until she recovered - and then return to me in Canada - where we would resume our lives together - her / me / and her puppy.

At the two week point of her stay there - she “went wayward” with a man she was introduced to by her “Darling Family” - who is a family friend of theirs. I found out about “things” two weeks after that - at the one month point of her stay (aka “D-Day”).

It is now over six weeks since “D-Day”. She has since destroyed what I held most dear to me - and has taken away any purpose I ever had in life - and any chance to ever be happy. I was having nightmares (which she knew about and about the subject matter) each night for almost a year - and she caused one of my two re-occurring nightmares to come true - me losing her to another man because she went willingly.

In regards to the e-mail - it is about a refund she is owed for kennel services for her puppy. I sent her puppy top her by plane just over a month ago. The puppy was to fly from where I am and arrive in an American city - and be kenneled over night - then flown to its final destination the following morning – at a cost of $100.00 Canadian – which she wired me the money for – and I paid with.

When the puppy arrived at the first American city - instead of being kenneled overnight – the puppy was sent on the next plane to the final destination in the middle of the night - arriving there with no one to pick up the puppy. She and her brother-in-law drove in the middle of the night to go get the puppy at an American airport an hour’s drive away.

After - she requested a refund for the kennel services which never took place. It seems she was granted the refund - however since I paid in Canada - she cannot get the refund money sent to her – and now she is requesting my assistance yet again to get her way.

I have not received the refund money myself as of this time - but I would like a sort of “vote” in what I should do from those members at “SI” willing to cast a vote or provide their viewpoints.

* Should I contact her - and tell her I will send her the refund money?

* Should I contact her - and say sorry I am keeping the money?

* Should I not contact her – and just send the money to her?

* Should I not contact her – and just keep the money as a service charge for my pain and suffering?

I am not trying to influence the vote - but I am presently working a potential 60 hours a week to try and solve some current financial issues - which I alluded to in a discussion of mine from yesterday afternoon. She now lives in a household of three incomes - her disability income being the third - and her “Darling Family” could not be happier for her extra money coming in. It makes me sick on how blind she is - and what they are doing to her. But she is not my problem anymore. They probably wanted me out of the picture and that is where the family friend came in – and she took the bait willingly.

Also though she did not want me to contact her since she is off “thinking” and getting her head straightened out about things - and would contact me when she was ready - she has no problem contacting me when she wants something. About two weeks ago she contacted me to help her with a computer problem - so she could enjoy her new life with her “new friends”. I was a fool and helped her – just to be forgotten again until she wanted the refund money.

I am really not trying to sway the vote - but I cannot help being bitter right now because she still thinks it is appropriate to use me.

I was already having four bad days right now in a row - and she has not helped me much by contacting me about the refund.

Thanking you in advance – BlackHorse.

About two weeks ago she contacted me to help her with a computer problem - so she could enjoy her new life with her “new friends”. I was a fool and helped her – just to be forgotten again until she wanted the refund money.

You probably won't like my answer but I need to say it. Men who bend over backwards to kiss a woman's ass don't appear to be confident, strong men. They appear weak and wimpy, desperate, and not very masculine.

That's how she sees you.

She disrespects you over and over and over, and you get weak and end up helping her with her computer. That tells her you're not strong and confident at all, but still eager to please her after she kicks you in the face. She doesn't think you're a sweet guy, she thinks you're a wimp because I know I would think the same thing.

I'm not surprised at all that she's asking for money. Give it to her, and you just prove to her again that you're a wimp.

I honestly didn't read your full post because it's far too detailed with all her puppy stuff and the truth is, I didn't need to read it because it should be a non-issue for a strong confident man.

Start being that man, Blackhorse.

as i understand it ...

-she gave you the money to pay for a kennel service.

-the kennel service was not provided.

-the airline is issuing a refund for the kennel service.

-the refund is coming to you from the airline because you were the one who paid it to them.

not to be judge judy ... but if thats the case ... you should give her the 100 dollars.

id suggest sending her a text saying you will get her the money when you get it (which will eliminate receiving many argumentative, pleading, etc texts from her). ask her to not reply or text again until she gets the money and then to just say she got it. then ask her not to contact you again. after sending that text block her, change your emails, and count it "cheap" to get her out of your life for "only" 100 canadian dollars...

Thank you "NeverAgain2013" and "william".

I plan to respond later after I may hear other votes or viewpoints from those willing to participate. I appreciate all thoughts and answers on this matter and there is nothing I am not willing to hear.

I am thankful others are willing to give me their time to aid me.

I have already made a decision on this matter which I will shall provide later as well. I was curious what others would say or do in this situation - and if their thoughts are in-line with mine.

Thanks again - BlackHorse.

I don't think you will like my answer, but here it is.

Give her the money back. It was a service she paid for therefore, she is entitled to the refund. This is your chance to be the better person here. I understand the pain you are in, but do not lower yourself to her level. Ethically and morally, she should be given the refund. Two wrongs never made a right.

At least you can hold your head up high and know that in the worst of times, you still did the right thing. You still had your integrity.

Hi.

I would tell her she has one week to arrange for her things to be picked up from your house. If she does, you will give her the 100$. If she doesn't, you will spend those 100$ for her items (you will use your discretion to ascertain which things are hers) to be moved into a storage facility and you will send her the access key etc. After that, you will never ever contact her again (I assume you aren't married).

After the 1 week has expired, you will have no more reason to contact her, and you can continue your healing.

Get away from that harpy, heartless woman. Read "No more mr. Nice guy", get into counselling and start working on yourself! We're rooting for you!

It's a no brainer - it was her money so give it back. You don't have to contact her at all.

Send her an email that says, "when I receive the the $100.00 refund, I'll mail a check to you for $100.00."

It's her money. You offered to help her get the puppy transported, which was nice of you. Obviously you weren't going to charge her for your time. You just did it. The $100.00 belongs to her.

When a couple breaks up, there is always stuff that needs to be handled as part of the transition. Clothes are found in closets, a watch is found in a drawer, dogs need to be handed over, etc. This is just one of those things.

Also, old habits are sometimes hard to break. She was in the habit of asking you to help her with computer stuff, you were in the habit of helping her (plus, you're likely a nice guy). Now, it's time to break some of those old habits. She's on her own now, by choice.

I agree with the others that it appears to be her money. It should be sent back to her, but with ZERO contact from you. There is no reason for you two to communicate anymore, unless you are clutching at straws, and reaching out to her in desperation. Please don't do this.

But what is more important is this line from your earlier post:

She has since destroyed what I held most dear to me - and has taken away any purpose I ever had in life - and any chance to ever be happy.

She did not take that away from you, and you will never get into the correct mindset if you believe this. YOU CONTROL YOUR HAPPINESS. And while she may have hurt you deeply, it will be YOUR CHOICE to remain unhappy forever.

Sorry to be blunt, but that is my wakeup call to you. It is OK to hurt and it is OK to grieve, but you will eventually have to close this chapter of your life. Stop selling yourself short.

It's her money, so send her a check when you receive the refund. No need to contact her.

And I agree with nomistake - no more helping her out. The puppy is a helpless, living creature and I think you did the right thing arranging it's safe transport back to her. But from here on out she can figure her own shit out. Her computer isn't working? Not your problem. She can fix it herself or pay someone else to repair it. She left behind personal belongings? Not your problem. She can arrange their removal from your home in a timely fashion or they hit the curb. She is not your friend and you owe her nothing.

Send her back the $100 as soon as you receive it. Don't even bother inform her that you will or try communicate after sending it.

Cut off all links immediately but send it away to her and ensure she's received it.

Remember no amount of money will equate to your worth, or time for the length that you were committed to your relationship. Therefore don't keep it for that reason.

It's her money. Send it back to her. To do otherwise is just plain wrong.

Wait - I see the send her money back to her comment, but are you two married?

If that's the case then shouldn't the funds be shared?

I personally would tell her I was putting to the Lawyers bill, and she can just suck it.

Bur if you all are not married, then you have to send it back to her.

I'd not be eaten up by the 100 bucks. If it was hers for services not rendered I'd return it. The *significantly* bigger issue is the cheating.

I think it's crap to give her the entire refund. IMO you should send a refund. Minus the time and gas mileage you spent to send the puppy.

Maybe even minus a charge for computer consultation.

I know, I know, I KNOW that it's "her money" but you should make at least a symbolic gesture to show that you aren't to be used by her.

I would agree to sending her the money.

If you are totally done with her then definitely return the money so there isn't a reason for her to bother you a again. In fact if you live near the US border it might be good to cross the border and for $10 mail her in a priority mail box $100 worth of Canadian pennies that are stuck together by dried maple syrup.

Not that this is the issue, but she left to go have this surgery. All this time later she still hasn't had it? Is that really even why she left? And how was she counting on money that she thought was gone for surgery?

OK, enough of my off topic questions. Send her the money when you get it, and not a minute before. I'd send a very short text that says "When I get the check, I'll send you a check" and nothing more. If she says anything else, ignore her.

Use it to mail her belonging and reimburse your self gas.

If she it was so critical to the surgery, why did she send it?

Send the money if the refund makes it to you but do not reply. This is just her asking a favor. The nerve. As if she has any right.

And i second those who are telling you--she has NOT taken away your happiness in life. Right now? Yes. But forever? Hell to the no! You will find other areas of meaning. Work on that and have faith in it.

Show her you're a man of honor. It's her money. Send it back to her. Take the high road.

I also don't see the purpose in not responding to her. Again, the high road. Let her know with a short and direct reply that you will send and soon as you receive it.

Be the better person and you'll feel much better for it.