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lovemywife4ever posted 6/18/2014 08:02 AM

BS and I have been working through a lot of talking the last few days. It is so hard to figure out all this stuff. Truth is I don't even want to think about what I did. I wish i could block it from my memory and have on some parts. I have to live with it and I hate it. I never thought about how this would hurt her. I only thought we were messed up and didn't know what to do. I shouldn't have cheated. I only did once because I figured it out but still too late. I want to be the man she deserves and I want us to be happy and together. I know I need to figure out my issues to be better. I am trying but get stuck at times. How does anyone fully get to the bottom of it. I am coping in different ways and know how to do that but can't seem to fully understand why I did this.

BrokenButTrying posted 6/18/2014 08:25 AM

Are you in IC? If you are then find another counsellor and if not then get your arse in gear.

A good IC won't stop asking you why. My IC did this...

Why did you cheat on your husband?
Because I was sick of feeling unloved and unwanted.
Why?
Because he wasn't paying me any attention.
Why?
Because all we do is argue about the marriage. I want to fix it and he just shuts me out.
Why?
I guess I come at it wrong. He's defensive because I'm needy and make him feel like nothing is good enough.
Why?
I need to be needed and I need to be loved.
Why?
Because I never have been.
Why?
Because...

Well, you get the idea!

All this standing around talking about how much you love your wife and want to be the husband she deserves is all well and good but it means nothing because you're not doing anything about it. Show her!

Sorry for the 2x4 but all you talk about is what you want to do, not what you're doing. What are you reading? What boundaries are you creating? What coping mechanisms are you putting in place? Where's the action to match the pretty words?

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 8:25 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

somethingremorse posted 6/18/2014 12:36 PM

This may not be accurate in your specific case, but

I never thought about how this would hurt her.

is probably not 100% true. Most of us knew our A would hurt our BS. Maybe we didn't realize the true measure of harm, but we intellectually knew it would be bad. But there is something in us at the time that allowed us to push that to the side.

I have said in the past that if I realized how much it was going to hurt BW, I wouldn't have gone through with it. I am pretty sure that is a lie. I would have had to rationalize and compartmentalize even harder, but I am sure that I would have sunk to those depths to do it.

The same thing with "I didn't know what to do." We knew what NOT to do, but something inside disregarded that voice.

It doesn't do any good to forget these spots. You have to open them up. Those are the areas where you need to look. It doesn't happen all at once. Lots of people here pointed me in this direction. I owe them a huge debt of gratitude. Not that I have it figured out, but these kinds of observations helped me really look at myself. I hope it helps you.

SlowUptake posted 6/18/2014 20:06 PM

I only did once because I figured it out but still too late.
So you're better than all those other cheaters who did it more than once?

Part of remorse is accepting what broken people we waywards are and owning our actions.

What are you reading? What boundaries are you creating? What coping mechanisms are you putting in place? Where's the action to match the pretty words?
^^^^^^^^^^^This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

islesguy posted 6/20/2014 14:44 PM

I wish i could block it from my memory and have on some parts.
This seems dangerous to me. Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. I hate my past, but I never ever will let myself forget what I did and what the results were for my selfish actions. I have often told my BW that I am thankful that she exposed me for what I did and what I was because it has and continues to drive me to be better and I would never want to forget this.

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