SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Toddfather posted 6/18/2014 08:33 AM

Just found out a couple weeks ago that my wife of 19 years has been carrying on an affair off and on for around 7 years. It is with a friend of mine. We coached our kids together in baseball. I can't sleep, eat, or work effectively. I feel like there is a two foot hole in my chest. She swears it was never physical and only emotional. She stated she "cares" for him and "has feelings for him". They exchanged explicit pictures via text. She admitted last night that she offered sex, but because of his past troubles with infidelity as well as his father's, he could not do it. I can't imagine it would hurt any worse if she had actually gone through with it. Considering the content of the texts I also feel like a huge sucker. Anyone in their right mind would not believe her. Not that it really matters, the hurt is from her caring for him in that way. We've had several huge arguments in the past week. Usually centered around what I have done to cause her to feel distant enough from me for this to happen. All the articles I read say that women cheat because they have a need that is not being fulfilled at home. That just adds more sadness and guilt to ME. That just screams "IT'S YOUR FAULT" at me which only adds to my sadness. It is hard to function. I don't know if I can ever recover. I have considered the worst at times and then felt shame and more worthlessness because I am not brave enough to carry it out. I feel like I am sinking in quicksand and there is no way out.

cantaccept posted 6/18/2014 08:40 AM

There are others that will reply to you that are better at this than I.

The one thing that you must know, absolutely, 100%, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Not at all. You were in the same marriage and you did not cheat. It is all on her, her bad choices, her poor boundaries.

Read some of the articles that have the bullseye on them. They really help.

This is so very very painful but honestly it does get better. For now focus on the moment, drink water, sleep when you can, eat what you can.

I found IC very helpful. Do you have family or friends that will support you?

Post here often. There are wonderful people here that truly care.

Toddfather posted 6/18/2014 08:47 AM

Not to start a pity party, but I do not have any family or friends. My parents and only sibling have all passed away in the past 5 years as well as my best friend. My job went away through a couple of mergers. The only person i can talk to about my feelings is my WS. Every time we try to talk about it, we end up in a huge argument. I have joined a gym. I figured if I am gong to be awake at 4:30 in the morning, I might as well get a workout in. It helps some. Mostly though, it's work and home. She said we would just separate for "some space", but I cam home Monday to a house missing all of "her" furniture. I was crushed. I felt betrayed all over again. We have a counseling session Thursday. I still love her with everything I am, so I am willing to do anything to work this out. Thanks for listening and the quick reply.

Hurthalo posted 6/18/2014 08:53 AM

Todd, hang in there mate. This is a huge shock phase and completely normal. I didn't sleep for 2 days when I found out, and I dropped 8kgs in a week and a bit.

First off the bat, has she ceased all contact with this guy? What is your take in her current intentions?

Keep up the gym work mate, it provides a magnificent outlet of clarity.

10yearsafter posted 6/18/2014 08:56 AM

I am so sorry brother. You need to take care of your self. Go out and get you a big ol cheese burger and a shake. Get some rest.

Now the hard part, 7 years is a long time. Pictures and never any sex or physical activity, man I find that hard to believe. You should dig a little deeper you will not like what you find but you will know the truth. Waywards will minimize everything.

Does your wife show remorse? If not she is still in the affair and you must end it if you want to save your marriage. One way to do that is tell everyone what is going on OM's wife, friends and family.

If she has not cut off all contact with with OM your marriage won't stand a chance.

Take care of yourself look out after your kids. Sending your strength and prayers.

allatsea posted 6/18/2014 08:57 AM

I am very sorry but it sounds as though she's checked out of the marriage.

I would be very cynical of any woman who claims to have not had sex with their affair partner. You should assume that she has slept with him dozens if not hundreds of times. It hurts to hear but is mots likely realistic.

My wife said the same thing when I found out. It was just a means to limit the devastation.

The fact that she's moved her furniture out is another major alarm bell. She's exiting. She's thought and decided. She wants space which is familiar code for 'I want time away from you to see if it works out with the other guy".

At present, there is nothing you can do to persuade her back. Anything you do will be interpreted by her as weak.

Let her move out without a fuss. Look strong and act as if you don't care. Change the locks and get on with your life, even if you don't actually feel that way, just make sure she thinks that's what is happening.

I am so sorry to be blunt but the behaviour is text book. I've seen it hundreds of times. You are a passenger on a journey and you never even voluntered for the trip.

Take care of your self. It's gonna hurt

(((Todfather)))

Toddfather posted 6/18/2014 09:17 AM

She's texted him as recently as Monday (6/16). She said she was asking him if I had been by his house. Thank you all for your honesty and frankness. I am still in denial I guess.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/18/2014 09:44 AM

Toddfather, double betrayal is so very devastating and I'm so sorry to hear of your situation.

Do know that you never get the truth on discovery. Everything they tell you is designed to minimize their behavior, protect themselves from anger/separation/divorce/financial loss, and to protect their affair partner from the same.

These two have already practiced exactly what they were going to say to their spouses should they ever get caught, so asking HIM for the truth is more than likely a waste of your time. Their stories are going to match and both will claim the absolute minimum of what they did.

Unfortunately, that's what all cheaters do, Toddfather. They lie and deny and minimize.

Would she really have you believe these two were engaged in some kind of affair for 7 long years and they did nothing but text naked pictures, have coffee at the diner while discussing the Yankees, and shared a milkshake at the local ice cream parlor? What an insult to anyone's intelligence whose over 12 years old.

Until you know the truth, you can't make an educated decision as to whether you want to invest the gift of forgiveness into someone who whose capable of this type of behavior for 7 long years - and with a supposed friend of yours.

Toddfather,when the anger sets in, you're going to be shocked at the control you'll have. Right now, you're too lost to have any control, but the day is coming when that will change.

I promise.

UpInTheAirNow posted 6/18/2014 09:55 AM

Welcome to SI Toddfather. You just found out and are in shock. We all know what you feel. Do not blame yourself. You may be responsible for 50% of the marital problems but she is 100% responsible for the affair. Look for the I can relate forum. You suffered a double betrayal. There is a tread on that topic that might help. Also in the top left corner is the healing library. Go to the FAQ for BS and find the 180 and live it. Do not try to nice her back. It can't be done. It cost me tens of thousands of dollars to figure that one out the hard way.
Please listen to the above posters. What you do right now is critical. We can help guide you through this. Even though some of the advise my seem counter productive it's not. We have years and years of experience with this shit.
Get yourself into counseling ASAP. I still go often to help me get over betrayal. It really helps.
Expose her affair and shine a big light on it. If other man is married tell his wife. This may help end it. Affairs thrive in secrecy.
It might be early but think about protecting your assets. I opened my own bank account and canceled all joint credit cards. Didn't want her to bankrupt me too.
There are great people here to help you and will come along soon. Meantime read the healing library esp the 180. Get started and post anytime.

norabird posted 6/18/2014 09:57 AM

I am so glad you've joined the gym. Keep going, it is great to have a physical outlet and it does help give structure and some sense of moving forward and doing something for you.

I know you want to save your marriage and if your WW is willing to do the work, ten by all means try to reconcile. But not yet. You can't commit just because you want things to be okay and you want it to work out; you have to watch and see if she will go NC, get counseling for herself, offer transparency, and devote herself to your healing.

Also I find it improbably that there was no physical consummation. Often the betrayed spouse (BS) does not get the whole truth at once. Hope for the best and expect the worst...and know that while you may be alone and scared and miserable right now, you can and will rebuild a new happiness based on yourself instead of your marriage. In fact, no matter what happens with your WW, you MUST do that. Only you can guarantee your own happiness.

BrokenheartedUK posted 6/18/2014 10:51 AM

(((((((Toddfather)))))))

Welcome but be warned--this will totally suck for you. I urge you to get yourself some individual therapy--even with amazing family/friend support you are going to need some professional help. There isn't a lot you can do about what she does and right now you are shit scared--which is TOTALLY understandable. Your whole world is suddenly and unexpectedly a shit storm and that's hard. We get that.

I echo the others, it's not your fault. It might feel like it is for a while but that's part of the illusion that you have some control over what happened. You don't. That's hard to accept. But, you can control you--and that's where the therapy is key.

What ages are your kids? Do they know?

Order the book "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass. It really helped me. You can download it onto your kindle or iPad if you have one.

Keep posting and again--hugs.

Schadenfreude posted 6/18/2014 10:57 AM

Instead of using the internet to look up reasons why women have affairs, look up affairs and blame shifting. I see blame shifting here big time.

She is having an affair because she wants to. She loves the adoration, attention, affection, and probably the secret sex. He tells her the words she wants to hear, and he gets what he wants. It can be as simple as that.

Toddfather posted 6/18/2014 13:28 PM

Thanks again for all the responses. I read 180 and am going to give that a try. After reading it, I see I was doing the absolute wrong things. It was nice to read and realize that while I may have been 50% of the trouble in my marriage, I was 0% of the affair, physical or emotional. My lack of friends and family makes this so much harder. I have a personal counseling appointment this afternoon and we have couples counseling tomorrow.

BrokenheartedUK, we have a 15 year old son, DS15, who is an outstanding baseball player. We are in the middle of his showcase season, which means we have to travel a ton, so separation is not financially an option. We have to share a hotel room. Our daughter, DD17 is 17 and on holiday with her aunt and uncle at the Grand Canyon for three weeks. It makes me feel better that she's not around for this, but it makes me sad that DS15 has to go through this alone.

She text me earlier that she text the OM about NC. She took a lot of money out of our joint checking account, but immediately put most of it (all but $50) right back in. The 180 says to limit contact, but I want to ask what she was thinking and why she kept $50. I am also making a list of things I need to have explained or discussed in our session tomorrow. Any other pointers for our first counseling session?

[This message edited by Toddfather at 3:03 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

Schadenfreude posted 6/18/2014 14:19 PM

Don't waste your time on trivia. The $50 was to keep her separate account open, for instance. The ONLY issue is whether she wants to remain M to you or not. That means NC, transparency, no lies, answering your questions, and the oh her things you'll find I. Healing Library. Study it (FAQ section is the most useful IMHO.).

Your issue is whether you want to remain in a three person marriage.

A wise poster here, Bigger, puts it this way. You can remain and work on the marriage. Or you can go be with him. But not as my wife.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 2:42 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

gypsybird87 posted 6/18/2014 14:50 PM

So sorry you find yourself here, toddfather. You've already gotten excellent advice from the other posters. A few key points to keep in mind:

1. This is NOT your fault. NONE of it. If she was feeling unhappy in the marriage, she had the right to come to you and talk about it. She also had the right to leave. She did not EVER have the right to cheat on you. EVER. Period.

2. Take care of yourself. Eat and drink when you can, keep doing your workouts but don't push yourself too hard. Betrayal is trauma and coping with it takes up a lot of your strength and energy.

3. Listen to what her actions are saying, not her words.

4. Know that your life is not over. You will not always feel the way you do right now. No matter what the outcome of the marriage, you won't be stuck in this dark, painful spot forever, even though I know it feels that way right now.

5. You are not without friends. Not anymore. You now have a community of thousands, right here with you. We have been where you are, we know what you're feeling, we already understand the things that are too painful and confusing to put into words. We are here for you. You are not alone.

Sending you strength and courage.
(((toddfather)))

Jduff posted 6/18/2014 14:54 PM

Toddfather, first off edit your post and remove the names of your kids to maintain their anonymity for their protection. Use DD for daughter and DS for son, followed by their age if you want, like DD17 and DS15.

Here is the link for abbreviations -
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

Since she has physically separated from the house, go ahead and setup and appointment with an attorney to get familiar with your rights as a father and the process of divorce. It doesn't mean you have to file now, but knowledge is power. DO NOT LET HER KNOW YOU ARE TALKING TO AN ATTORNEY. I would go ahead and change the locks on the doors so she can't just come and go as she please. The thing she needs to realize is "CONSEQUENCES" at the point. If she wants access, she has to talk to you.

Her seeking "space" is to try out being single and dating your friend. Affairs thrive in secret and this gives her cover from facing accountability from you and your kids. It is NOT about "figuring things out". It is about setting the stage for fence sitting and getting you and your friend to play the "pick me" dance. Don't play. Stick with the 180 plan.

Since she was so "kind" enough to put the money back, secretly open your own accounts and move half of those funds from the joint and into your new ones. Start removing your name from any joint credit card accounts.

If your friend is married or in a relationship, time to out his ass to her. Two eyes on the situation makes their affair very difficult to continue. Don't be surprised if he throws your wife under the bus after the exposure to his significant other. If your wife is in a new place she's going to find the "space" awfully lonely and soon.

Don't worry about the "why's" for now. Start taking action to protect yourself. Stay focused on getting into a position of strength. Read up on the BS FAQ in the healing library and also our own stories.

For a chance at reconciliation you need to see remorse from her. Understand the differences between regret from remorse in the healing library. What your are seeing now is blame shifting and regret. You won't get your "why" from her in this state. She is fully in self preservation mode. So is your friend. You should be too, but legally.

Consider how to handle this with your kids. They very well may know something is going on, or even may have known about this but had no way of telling you. Be prepared for this. Also consider therapy for them. You taking action for your interest and theirs show that your are the strong parent to them. They will need a "rock" to turn to in this shitstorm. Be there for them because your wife just ran like a coward that got caught.

Toddfather posted 6/18/2014 15:21 PM

She refused to let me see what she text OM night before last because she said she sent it after she had taken 2 Ambien and didn't remember what she text him. I edited out the kids' names. She has told our children that she shared "inappropriate texts" with the OM. They both know the OM, which worsens things. She did not mention pictures specifically and I am ok with that for now. She is showing remorse and going to personal counseling. Her counselor told her it would be good for us to have some space and for her to take a few items. She is staying with her parents who live less than a mile from our house. I was very upset that her "few items" included the dining room set and the giant China cabinet. I told her that a few items are some cloths and toiletries, not half the stuff in the house. I suspect her father is behind this particular move. We've never liked one another. On d-day, he showed up at my house with the police to get her stuff when she got off work at 11pm. Either way, that's a big F*&^ You. She is sending such mixed signals in her actions. Great advice to ignore the words and listen to her actions. Thank you for that.

She text an "ILY" earlier and asked why I didn't respond in kind. I explained that I'd joined a support group and that I now felt she had to earn that back. I said our talk last night was wonderful (after the big blow up), but that right now I needed to keep my emotions from her whether good or bad.

As for an attorney, what would a consultation like that cost? Money is very tight right now.

Schadenfreude posted 6/18/2014 15:32 PM

Often free. But before you see an attorney, make a list of things you need to discuss.

At risk of boring others who have seen similar from me before.....

Fees and costs uncontested and contested
Time contested and uncontested
Child custody
Child support
Visitation
Medical insurance
Property division
Assets and debts
Role of fault, if any in your state
Pension rights
Right to remain in house

Never fight about trinkets or trivia. The lawyers make money on that far more than financial worth of trinket.

Reconciliation without remorse is not going to happen. Don't confuse remorse which focuses on how you feel and how she feels for what she's done to you and your marriage with regret which means she's sorry she got caught so fun times are over or curtailed.

Jduff posted 6/18/2014 16:38 PM

She has told our children that she shared "inappropriate texts" with the OM.

Well, at least she didn't pull the bullshit line "Your father and I just drifted apart..." and seems to start owning some of her shit. Are your kids ok?

I was very upset that her "few items" included the dining room set and the giant China cabinet. I told her that a few items are some cloths and toiletries, not half the stuff in the house. I suspect her father is behind this particular move. We've never liked one another. On d-day, he showed up at my house with the police to get her stuff when she got off work at 11pm.

Consider that your father in law (FIL) may have gotten the rewrite of the marriage from your wayward wife (WW) for 7 years, painting you as the bad guy all along and the blame for her issues. Make no mistake, your wife is a broken person. I suspect FOO (Family Of Origin) issues and that FIL likely has a part in it. Blood is thicker than water.

She is at least making one right move in seeing an IC, but hopefully they both are addressing the affair and FOO. Regardless, FIL is in a way an unknowing enabler of this affair by providing support for her separation. Definitely not a friend of the marriage. This will have to be dealt with if R is on the table down the road.

Heed Schadenfreude's advice on consultation. Also know that meeting with a lawyer is going to shake you a bit. Understand that they are not therapist and the discussion may seem impersonal, but D is serious business.

ZedLeppelin posted 6/19/2014 00:53 AM

Stop reading bullshit articles designed to screw up relationships. This is not your fault.

Being depressed/sad/whatever about this situation does not make you less of a man. You are probably going through a whole range of emotions which is perfectly normal. This would be a difficult period for anyone.

On top of that your son is going through a very important period in his life.

The reason she wants to separate is to test out a real relationship with her boyfriend. This is called cake-eating in which she can have an exciting time with her affair partner, and yet still be able to fall back on you for security. To her you are a safety net should her new 'exciting' life backfire.

This makes it even more important to make sure that you start doing whatever is needed so that you can provide the best environment possible for you and your children. Your wife's actions and behavior (the affair was most likely physical) should not be a part of that environment. She has made her initial play: spend more time with her boyfriend. How do you plan on reacting to this?

The choice of reconciling or divorce is ultimately up to you. However, to be able to make that decision you need to regain control of your own life first. The following are steps that i would take to regain control of my own life:

1. Do not go to MC with your wife. It is a complete waste of time and money when she is not 100% committed to the marriage. However, should you feel the need to see a counselor for yourself then do it. There is no shame in this. If you need support from friends and family then call them!! Do not suffer in silence.

2. Do not chase your wife. If she wants to reconcile she has to earn it through her own actions (not words). She can start by dumping her boyfriend.

3. Go see a lawyer now and discuss your options for divorce. (and tell him/her about your wife's financial actions.) Protect yourself now!!!!

4. Get tested for STDs.

5. Expose her behavior to her parents/siblings, and tell her to stay with her parents for the time being whilst you sort yourself out.

6. Expose his behavior as a potential homewrecker to his close family.

7. Detach with 180 until/if she shows enough remorse.

8. Cancel all of your wife's traveling arrangements with regards to baseball. She has chosen her boyfriend over your family, she does not then get to take part in your son's showcase season. Stay strong for your son and support him. This is a consequence of her affair.

The purpose of the above is to shock your wife out of her affair and to make a decision between you or her boyfriend. If she does not immediately choose you, then you file for divorce (the process is long and you can always cancel if she is committed to R.) This makes it adamantly clear that you are not screwing around and you will not tolerate her selfish behavior.

[This message edited by ZedLeppelin at 12:56 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]