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Not sure how to think about this

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Crushed15Feb13 posted 6/18/2014 08:42 AM

Last night WW spent an evening out having dinner with her sister. We are rarely apart now, since I don't have my trust in her back after being blindsided with a 5 1/2 yr affair and then 11 months of TT. But we are moving out of state this summer so she definitely needed time with her sister before we leave, and I get that.

Being separated made it a tough evening for me, and I hoped she would recognize that and ask me about how things went for me while she was out. But when she got home, she didn't bring it up so we just made small talk about the evening. Finally, when I thought I had given her enough time to ask if she was going to, and it didn't appear she was going to, I verbalized my desire to have her show an interest in the difficulty of my evening and ask how I felt, how I handled it, etc. She told me that triggered her - because her AP would always ask if she thought of him, talked about him, etc, while they were apart. And she began to despise him for it.

I thought I was trying to practice good communication and verbalize my need, but instead I get compared to the AP. I'm still trying to learn what I'm justified in asking for in this reconciliation; sometimes I feel like I have been walked all over and now I'm being manipulated. Did I reveal that I'm a self-centered, egotistical bastard by telling her I wanted her to ask me how I was?

I thought about it, and decided I feel if you love someone, you'd WANT to know about their needs - so you can try to meet them. But I feel like I got shot down, and made to feel guilty about wanting to be thought about.

I'm just not sure what is right. Maybe it was self-centered of me? I feel confused. When I re-read what I've posted - I think it may come across as weak, whiny and unmanly. It does not "feel" right to talk about my feelings, needs, and desires.

I think I can get there, but I want to be confident that my needs and wants are healthy and mature. This is an opportunity to rebuild myself from the ground up after all.


[This message edited by Crushed15Feb13 at 8:57 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 6/18/2014 09:16 AM

Hmmm...you got hit with a giant new revelation 5 month ago. Maybe you sound weak because her 'attacks' have really hurt. D-day + a year of lies + new D-day - that's an incredible amount of pain to take.

Your W's trigger is also understandable.

Perhaps you could talk with her and layout your feelings with a request that she reframe her thinking about you along the lines of 'My ap was a shit. My H is a man whom I've hurt deeply and who has given me a 2nd and 3rd chance to show I love him.'

From what you've written, I don't think you were out of line at all. JMO, of course.

veronique12 posted 6/18/2014 09:27 AM

You were not out of line. In fact, I think that you showed a great deal of emotional maturity to verbalize what you needed from her when you were feeling vulnerable. Imagine instead that you held it in and then resentment built up and up until there was a real blowout.

I think it's ok that she revealed her feelings about your question, but then she needed to take the next step of considering your feelings. That's part of the "hard work" a WS needs to put in when in R. Things will get uncomfortable, but a WS needs to take emotional risks to demonstrate their dedication to the M, though frankly I don't think this involved a major emotional risk for her.

I agree with sisoon about reframing the conversation with her and giving her another chance to get it right. Keep communicating.

tfkeel posted 6/18/2014 12:42 PM

if you love someone, you'd WANT to know about their needs - so you can try to meet them. But I feel like I got shot down, and made to feel guilty about wanting to be thought about.

This is what I believe, about loving someone. It means you want to know their needs and try to meet them.

I feel like I have been walked all over and now I'm being manipulated.

I think your feelings are quite accurate.

I would take her statement as a "warning". That she is going to license herself to "despise" you if she is "forced" to consider your needs as part of your marital contract.

This is tantamount to saying "you need to get over it".

You have a "right" to expect that your wife will LIVE UP to her marital vows. Both the ones which say that she will "keep herself only unto" you, and those which say she will "love, honor, and cherish".

Her former actions are not in keeping with "keep herself only unto", and neither are these current actions in keeping with "love, honor, and cherish".

[This message edited by tfkeel at 12:48 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

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