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Mac4 posted 6/18/2014 08:51 AM

So my WW and I are about 4 months out from d-day and working on R. We are attending a wedding this weekend out of town. These are all good friends from my wife's hometown and past, and no one knows about the A. And to be honest I'm a little nervous about the emotions and reactions that this might trigger in me. I certainly want to put my best foot forward and stay upbeat for the festivities, but I'm very worried that this will not be the way I feel on the inside knowing what has happened in our marriage.

Would appreciate any thoughts or insight on dealing with the stress of this event, or how others have felt attending a wedding in the aftermath of infidelity. Thanks in advance for your thougthful comments.

Hope20 posted 6/18/2014 11:34 AM

I have not had to attend a wedding yet (although one looms) but we have had a few moments that I felt the same type of anxiety. I told my WS my concerns, and I will say he was great. While I tried to seem normal and upbeat, he was very aware of the tension. He would check in with me to see how I was feeling or wisper words of encouragement, ask if we should leave or even just step out, would squeeze my hand or give me a wink.... all these things made me feel supported and that we were facing it together.

I am not sure about your situation, but if your WS is supportive, maybe you can discuss a few things that might help you get over the hump? Mabye a plan/story if things get to be too much? Physical gestures or code phrases? I know I have found comfort in knowing I have a plan, even if I don't need to use it.

Sadly, I have also started "zoning out" at times when the conversation becomes too much (like all the love talk at a wedding might be). Maybe not the best coping, but I think I would rather appear to be a spacey than have some type of public meltdown! I think of random goofy things to keep to emotions at bay - a show, the kids, pets, whatever came to mind that was lighthearted. So far, rather than trying to get through a whole night or event, I have focused on each aspect.... the cocktail hour, the dinner, etc. - smaller chucks of time don't seem so hard.

I am not sure if any of this helps. Others may have better thoughts. Good luck!

TheIrishGirl posted 6/18/2014 11:45 AM

I have one next weekend, just over 2 months out from DDay. We're skipping the cerimony, which I feel guilty about. It's a Catholic cerimony, like ours, so I don't know that I can handle sitting through it. Fortunately the cerimony is 4 hours before the reception; with a 2 month old infant that is still nursing, she and her need for my milk will be our excuse- no need to leave the baby and pump rather than nurse for 9 hours when it could be just 5.

As for the reception, I plan on having WH dance with me, which he never does. It will be a big demonstration to me that he cares a lot and will do the little things that make me happy- and are actually big things. Also, I'm banking on an open bar for when I feel like taking a less healthy approach to the situation.

myeverafter posted 6/18/2014 13:34 PM

We were supposed to go to a wedding in October. I just couldn't do it. It was in the same church we were married it. It was hard enough going to the reception.

Jrazz posted 6/18/2014 13:37 PM

We had to go to a wedding very shortly after DDay. FWH was working hard to make me feel loved and comfortable. He was on his game and paid attention to me, never left me alone, squeezed my hand during the ceremony.

Can you talk to your WW about your feelings? Maybe ask her to really be physically and emotionally present for you. If you can gear her to be in tune with your reactions, she can hopefully show you that you are a team and can get through it together. It can actually be a great way to build your R up, if she is willing to give you her all.

((Mac4))

Mac4 posted 6/18/2014 21:42 PM

appreciate all of your responses. I plan to talk to my WW about my concerns and make sure that she is aware and checking in on me repeatedly during the festivities. I absolutely need her to be "emotionally and physically" present for me.

I think part of my concern is that these are all good friends of hers from the past, but not folks that I know well. Thus, if I'm left to dwell on my own thoughts things could go sour. So I plan to make sure that she is checking on me regularly.

I was also surprised about how anxious I am getting as we get ready to leave.

Yakamishi posted 6/18/2014 22:05 PM

My brother got married last weekend .i was best man. I gotta say...it sucked. Sucked bad. I got home and cried like a baby. (And I'm almost two years out)

Jrazz posted 6/18/2014 22:09 PM

Remember that we're all here for you and we GET it, Mac4. You won't be alone when you're there - it sounds like your WW is really stepping up for this event, and you've got all of us rooting for you. Deep breaths, and know that it will be all over soon.

demonshide posted 6/18/2014 22:53 PM

The last wedding I attended was a year ago. Sometime during the evening when I was talking with friends my WH had a conversation with an "old friend", they hadn't seen each other in many years and were catching up on each other's lives. I chatted with them for a few minutes, my H introduced us. Just over one month later when I was on vacation with the kids, she was at my house, in my living room, screwing around with my husband. My niece is getting married next fall, and I am dreading it already. I'm afraid that I am going to sit through the whole thing cynically wondering how long before one of them rips the others heart out.

All I can say is that no matter how bad things seem there are things to be thankful for. Maybe now you can at least be glad your WW didn't meet the AP at a wedding! My other advice, all night, anytime things start to bother you, promise yourself you can think about it all you want...tomorrow. Meanwhile, do the chicken dance and the macarena and give yourself permission to enjoy yourself for just one night, and if you don't know these people all that well, then they don't know you all that well either, so your don't have to worry for a second that someone will think that you are "not acting yourself"

It might be a great chance for WW to step up and support you, and a great chance for you two to have fun and take a little vacation from the pressure. Wishing you lots of luck!

Pudding posted 6/19/2014 03:34 AM

I went to my first husband's sister's wedding a month ago, 5 days after further discovery of emails and a week before I had the final truth.

The wedding weekend was therefore extremely tense. My son gave away his aunt in place of his deceased dad and my other son was an usher and I read one of the readings in the church service. It was very emotional partly anyway partly because of the role my sons were playing in making their aunt's day special for her. It was hell for me, but what got me through was the need to focus on my SIL, to make her special day special for her. This is her first marriage (first and only serious relationship really) at the age of 54. Her parents were dead, her brother was dead and were all missed greatly. We had the responsibility to make the day work for her. It is really really hard, but I had to set aside my own issues.

It was not as bad as I had anticipated. It was emotional, but weddings always are. I was so proud on my sons and even my WS was fantastic on the day in spite of everything. He and I and my sons kept the floor dancing all night and he acted as a perfect husband, whilst mindful of not to stand in the place of my first husband.

One of the reasons really why I am still determined to work at R. In spite of all that was going on between us that weekend, was that he presented a solid front with me as a team, supported me and my sons.

Tips for you from all this is a) try to focus on the couple getting married and make it their special day.b) talk to WS before and agree what they are going to do on the day to make you feel safe (keep close, support, ask how you are discretely, don't drink too much) c) try not to think back to your wedding day and compare. All weddings and relationships are different. The couple will need support all through their marriage from friends of the marriage and you will be there to do that at the start. That is a privilege. Think of giving them silently what perhaps we haven't received over the years from people who were not friends of our marriages. D) allow yourself to cry. Weddings are one place you can do this and no one will wonder why. E) don't burden others with your story. Hard I know, buts it's not your day, it's the couples.

Hope this helps. Will be thinking of you. It's tough