"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

hntr4life posted 6/18/2014 13:13 PM

Hi! I'm new to this forum but after reading many posts on here I will fit right in so here's my story of my wonderful marriage........

My wife and I have been married 9 years this year. We have a 3 year old also.

My wife cheated on me with one of "her guy friends" about 5 years ago. We or at least I thought we had worked through all of that within about a 1 yr to 2yrs after that (hence the child).

Well things were all or at least seemed good to me even after having our son. We had sex regularly and I was satisfied for about 1.5yrs

Well the sex got to be less and less frequent and now it is completely non-existent. (Going on 2.5yrs) There is always some excuse, tired, sick, etc......

Well since then it seems that everyday she further and further away from me emotionally and now physically as well. We hardly ever do anything together. We don't fight or anything and never have.

Well I have recently found out that the dude she cheated on me is still around and they have been "talking." In fact his wife called me at work and said that she had found pics, txts, ect in his phone. His wife also said that they were still going to counseling and that she didn't know what they were going to do now. (That was last fall)

I don't know for how long they've been "talking" again but considering we haven't had sex in 2.5yrs I would say then for 2.5yrs.

She's changed totally. She isn't even the same person that I married. We used to go to church all the time and if I ever mentioned skipping one Sunday, she wouldn't hear of it and would fuss at me. Well now we haven't been in over a month.

She is sooooooo distant. We are almost just like roommates.

I'm pretty sure that it's because of this guy, but have no proof that they have been having sex this time around, but sometimes I just don't think it's worth it even worrying with this relationship. I am committed and took my vows seriously. I have never cheated or even stepped out. But with 2.5 yrs of no sex and living with someone who doesn't seem to be emotionally attached it's becoming really hard on me day by day. In fact I work out regularly and have started to feel better about my self esteem and confidence; and I find that when a woman talks to me now at the gym that instead of being distant and hidden, I'm more out going and talkative (almost to the point that I'm trying to hit on them).....In fact I even txt one for a couple of months regularly until I decided that I was in the wrong by doing so and then stopped.

THat's not me at all. Like I said I am a faithful Christian husband and would've never in the past considered something like "revenge sex"; but that's what crosses my mind now.

I am still true to my word and to this day still behaving, but my wife doesn't even want to talk about our situation.

She says "I'm bothering her" or "I'm smothering her"...I've even invited her to the gym and tried to take her on dates etc. but nothing. In fact she said she didn't want to go to "my gym because of all of my girlfriends up there"

I'm like; really?

All she does is carry her phone around with her with a password that I don't know and she's on it 24/7. It even goes in the shower with her, probably just so I won't get it.

I moved out for 3 nights to see if that would rattle her, but of course it didn't. I moved back home because I was missing my child too much.

And that another thing. I could never cheat on her because our child's face would be in the back of my mind the whole time. I would never do anything to hurt him.

So.....I don't know what to do.....I feel that if I get a divorce then I'm running out on our marriage and our child. But, if I stay then I'm emotionally drained. Somedays I'm up...somedays I'm down....

I have an anxiety problem anyways and this up and down of this "wonderful" marriage is about to kill me. I have panic attacks and then feel all alone. I feel as if there is a hole in my chest from one side to the other....It's just like she's not in her body anymore around me....

And she keeps digging and looking for things to blame her actions on me....

I really think that if she would wake up and snap outta this sinful non-productive life that she is in that she would realize that what she's messing up. I am still committed (or stupid, idk) and still love her and would be willing to work on this together, but right now I'm all alone, except for our child.

It just breaks my heart for our child that we can't even enjoy his childhood to the fullest dealing with this crap.

Any advise would be greatly appreciated as I'm just confused on what needs to be my next step....

tushnurse posted 6/18/2014 13:41 PM

Welcome to the club.

So it certainly sounds like she is actively in an A. The question is do you want to save your M? Or do you want to cut your losses, and D?

It sounds like she didn't do the real work the first time around. And while it took time to heal, was mostly swept under the rug. When the OM's (Other mans) W (wife) called you what did you do? Ignore it, demand to see her phone, ask her and accept her denials?

It sounds like she isn't going to admit to anything until you have proof, and if that's the case you need to go stealth on her, and get some info.

Put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car, and one in any room in the house where she tends to spend time when alone. Put a GPS unit on her car too. Watch her log in to her phone, see if you can figure out the password. If you are still in the same bedroom, wait until she is asleep and nab that phone, and go to another room with it, and try to break into it.

See a lawyer while you are working on gathering evidence. R or D you need to know your rights, and her obligations.

I get not wanting to do anything to hurt your son, but staying in this highly dysfunctional relationship is not helping him. It is showing him some f'd up version of M, and he will grow up believing that is normal. It's not. His mom is obviously more involved in herself and this OM than being a good mom. Your child deserves to have one strong healthy parent, and it looks like it's going to have to be you.

Read the library, read others posts, read some veteran profiles, learn and keep posting.

((((and strength))))

tfkeel posted 6/18/2014 13:43 PM

I don't recommend "revenge" sex. Nothing but bad things come from acts of revenge. You, as a Christian, know this.

You need to know that you have every good right to end your marriage.

And, you can end your marriage without "walking out" on your child.

My advice is this. Go see a lawyer, and find out what all your options are. Options for your marriage, options for your child.

You don't have to act upon the information, just have it and understand it as a first step.

I really think that if she would wake up and snap outta this sinful non-productive life that she is in that she would realize that what she's messing up.

Ecclesiastes 8:11 (NKJV)

Because the sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil.

You being gone for 3 days mainly just allowed her to continue her adultery unimpeded and with less caution. This is not a meaningful "just dessert" of her adultery.

My advice is this:

Get out of the way, and let God shoot. You have His promise on it. Shoot, He will.

Hebrews 13:4 (NKJV)

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

Your child deserves to have one strong healthy parent, and it looks like it's going to have to be you.

I agree with the former poster. Your child is far, far better off with one GOOD, MORAL parent who is trying to live a Godly life as an example, than with two parents, one of whom doesn't care about obeying God.

I could never cheat on her because our child's face would be in the back of my mind the whole time.

Yep. Does this tell you anything about your wife, and about her fitness as your child's mother?

Where is your child's face in her mind?

[This message edited by tfkeel at 1:50 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

Furious1 posted 6/18/2014 13:54 PM

I am sorry you are going through this.

[This message edited by Furious1 at 7:24 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

Badhurt posted 6/18/2014 13:55 PM

hntr4life

From your post, I assume your wife has no idea that the wife of OM has called you and alerted you, but she has the evidence. Did you ask her to send you copies of it or did she refuse. ??? Their relationship status should have no bearing on you but I see where the other wife might not want to give the evidence to you for fear of messing up her own situation but you know it exists.
Your wife is in an active affair ,especially with the secrecy in her behavior. Just about every red flag is there, and you are NOT GOING TO NICE HER OFF THIS BEHAVIOR. iF YOU READ SOME OF THE OTHER THREADS YOU WILL SEE WHERE THAT GETS YOU.
She had no reaction to you moving out other than probably giving her an excuse in her mind that what she is doing is OK.
You need to tell her that the two of you need to go to MC or you cannot live in this relationship much longer. AND YOU HAVE TO MEAN IT!!!!!
Sorry for the tough love, but you also need to stop using your child as an excuse to be the recipient of all this shit you are taking.
Divorce does not mean your child will not do just fine, probably better than in a totally disfunctional home watching you be abused emotionally.
Tell you wife that she can choose to do what she wants with her behavior but you choose not to live like this. See an attorney, have preliminary papers drawn up , and if she totally stonewalls you give them to her. You can stop the process anytime you want to.
You can snoop, hire a PI, or anything else you want to do, but your wife is not living a celibate life like you are. She is having an affair, period, and it is not just emotional.
I would not waste any more of your time gathering evidence. She is checked out, and that is not going to change by being Mr. Niceguy

norabird posted 6/18/2014 14:03 PM

I am so sorry. Confused is a good word for most of it when we're in limbo. The best solution is to exit limbo and get some certainty.

Your WW (wayward wife) clearly never did the work to fix her need for external validation. She surely saw what her first A did to you and yet she was willing to do it again--not just to you but to your child.

The time to play nice with her selfishness is over. Especially since her treatment has alienated you to the point of wanting to step out. You do deserve to have intimacy and affection--the way to get them is clearly not by staying with a wife who is not trying to connect with you but to serve where with divorce papers and get a fresh start. Maybe that will wake her up, maybe not; but it is the only path out.

Didact posted 6/18/2014 15:06 PM

I am sorry to hear of this.

It seems like there are signs that there might be an affair going on. The phone "security" sure seems to suggest a secret that you are not part of. The other man's wife called you as well. Short of actually walking in on them, I'm not sure what you are looking for in the way of proof.

You say you'd feel guilty if you ran out on the marriage. May I gently suggest that from what you've said, there isn't much of a marriage left?

Choose what you want to have, then stand up and fight for it. How? By believing that the folks here know what you are going through. Read the replies, read the articles in the healing library, read other stories. You will be much better off for having done so.

hntr4life posted 6/18/2014 15:07 PM

When we dealt with all of this the first time, we started doing more things together, talking, dating, church stuff, praying, etc. She was open then. She'd leave the phone laying around and I knew the passwords to it and to everything else. In fact I also forgot to say that that's also how I know she's lying to me again is because I still had her Apple ID and password and I was able to see that she actually with to his house. After seeing that on my computer, I instantly called her phone and she didn't answer but the little dot started moving. Then she called me bk. As soon as I confronted her about it, the little dot on the gps went away and she hasn't turned it back on since.

Everytime I try and talk to her about us she just gets defensive and says stuff that really hurts me.

I've also found out that apparently her OM is either divorced or getting divorced. His wife (the one that was calling me) changed her profile pic on facebook to her with some other guy. (gotta love facebook)

When I asked my wife if they were divorced she said "how'd you find that out? She call you?" She never did answer my question but with other questions.......

Yes my wife knows that OM's wife called and emailed me at work in the past. All she'd say to that was call her names like calling her a "trifiling b*%ch" Sorry for the language, just trying to keep this as real as possible for you all.....

So I'm pretty sure they are divorced or at least real close to being final and I'm sure that has turned up OM's knobs a little because his wife had kicked him out of the house sometime ago after finding those pics I talked about.....

He's been living with his parents which is where the gps dot was discovered.

I really do want to work it out with her... but she's not giving me anything to go on. Her mood swings are terrible, and it seems like her emotions are what are controlling my emotions. Her better days seem to be my better days...

I know that marriage wasn't designed to be this way. I've always heard that you have to work at a marriage everyday, but man this is the extreme...

I know that my son will make it in either situation, but I guess I just want an old fashion traditional family. Is that to much to ask these days?

Long Gone posted 6/18/2014 15:26 PM

1. Lawyer Up
2. File
3. 180

She how she is sitting on that fence at that point.

hntr4life posted 6/18/2014 15:58 PM

I have a question about the 180....

I have done some of the requirements on the list and then I do have a lot of problems with sticking to some of the others, but, my question is how does the WS not interpret you basically "ignoring" her as you not just ignoring the problem?

Granted the problem is her A, but my wife for example is hard headed and is one that if I don't respond to her then she's liable to not even put the connection together to that is my way of being independent and not needing her.

She was raised to "not depend on a man" for anything. I have heard that sooooooo many times.

tfkeel posted 6/18/2014 18:01 PM

I guess I just want an old fashion traditional family. Is that to much to ask these days?

No, of course not. However, it may indeed be "too much" to ask of the woman you are describing here.

It seems to me that your wife has no interest whatsoever in delivering an "old fashion traditional wife" to you, and that you may have to find another woman to whom Jesus is LORD in order to have this happiness.

I cannot say whether your current wife "knows" our Lord. However, I can say with complete confidence that our Lord has not led her to do these actions you describe.

The "180" is FOR YOU, not for her. It is designed as a method which "takes back" your own life so that you can dedicate it fully to our Lord, and allow Him the "lead" role, instead of your wife, and allow Him the "throne" of your heart and emotions.

Allow me this latitude - Jesus said "Ye cannot serve God and mammon" - and verily, I say unto you, that ye cannot serve God and an adulteress.

craig2001 posted 6/18/2014 18:06 PM

I really do want to work it out with her... but she's not giving me anything to go on. Her mood swings are terrible, and it seems like her emotions are what are controlling my emotions. Her better days seem to be my better days...

It does sound like she is still in the affair with this OM.

And you cannot work on a marriage with an affair going on. Three people do not make a marriage, so right now, there is nothing to work on, until the affair is stopped.

You might be thinking you cannot stop an affair without solid proof.

Since your wife wouldnt answer your question about the wife of the OM, you need real proof.

When did your gps tracker find her at the OMs house?

And I am confused as to if the OM is married or not?

Also, I am confused about the reply here from Furious1.

At any rate, you need to get the proof she is having an actual affair. You might already have it.

Can you talk to family members. What did her friends think of her affair the first time around.

Out the affair, get it out of the closet.

Your anxiety attacks and feeling alone, can you talk to family members so you dont feel alone.

hntr4life posted 6/18/2014 18:22 PM

He was married at the time the gps tracker fnd her there at his parents house. (He's 32 by the way). And the time she cheated before he was married. As of if he's married today idk. Like I say I found those pics of his used to be/still is wife on Facebook with another guy. And it had comments attached to it like "glad your finally happy". So I'm assuming they are divorced which she hasn't told me or validated with me.

Yeah I'm confused about the Furious1 comment too! But like I said before I haven't cheated! I've thought about it yes, but outta revenge but that's all!

Her friends thrive on this. And that's another problem. Instead of her getting good help and advice she's arnd folks that are as bad or worse than she is. And that's another strike against us. Or me! She works in the "greener pasture" environment.

She's also never really been an outgoing person or at least with me. So we really don't have any "joint friends". So talking to her friends would be pointless. They'd run to her before I even got outta sight....

craig2001 posted 6/18/2014 18:34 PM

A revenge affair wont stop her affairs and probably wouldnt even bother her. One step closer to divorce.

Are you saying her parents are worse than she is and would not mind her having an affair?

Does your wife work?
Who pays her bills?

Is the house in both names or maybe you rent.

It is time for you to put the gps tracker and a VAR in the car and finally catch her. I do believe though, that you could catch her in bed with the guy and she would just find a way to lie out of it.

You need to catch her and then see how she reacts. But considering it looks like the affair never ended and or has been going on for at least 2 years now. You might just consider filing for a divorce and see how she reacts.

Does she care that you know she is having an affair, does she even try and hide it?

hntr4life posted 6/18/2014 18:53 PM

No Her parents are real good folks now. But her mom has been married numerous times and so she doesn't really have her true dad in her life. Never has. Always been her step dad!

Her stepfather is great and is probably credited for straightening her mom up. He's even a preacher.

Her friends is who I was talking about being wrse than she is. They thrive on the drama and live by the motto of "whatever makes u happy, because u only have one life!" Heard that abunch too.

The house is in both names as she has a good job and makes actually more than I do. And to make it worse the OM wrks there too!!

She knows I know that they still talk and yet doesn't seem really like it matters. But I told her that I was going to file and take all of our money at the bank and split it in half and open me a separate acct and she cld do whatever with her half. And she said well we need to do that yet! So I don't understand. It's almost like she wants to be with me because I handle all the stuff but then have all the sex and fun with him.

She told me about a mo ago that she loved me differently than I loved her and that I deserved someone that loved me bk as much as so love her. That I was too good of a person to be with her!

hntr4life posted 6/18/2014 18:54 PM

Oh and she mopes around all the time like she's lost her dog or something. Never has a smile on her face!

craig2001 posted 6/18/2014 19:06 PM

She told me about a mo ago that she loved me differently than I loved her and that I deserved someone that loved me bk as much as so love her.

I heard that once before and it was during her affair. From everything I have read, that usually means very low self-esteem, which can be from anything. But it usually starts somewhere in childhood.

The low self-esteem makes her self outside validation from other guys.

Has she ever told you she has feelings for this OM when you caught her last time.

The money thing is a real leverage loser for you. That does not help your leverage. But that doesnt mean you have to put up with this nonsense.

Right now, I think you need to find out if she is having an actual physical affair with this guy now.

Usually, PA's dont just go back to being coworkers. Once that ice is broken, you cant go back.

Use the gps again, use a VAR and find out. Check her phones, texts whatever you can.

Other than those facebook pics, you really dont have proof, is that correct?

Once you have solid proof that she cannot back out of, then you can talk to maybe her parents and they can help.

And, her words you need to be loved by someone who can, is usually an excuse to rationalize the affair, to make it right.

hntr4life posted 6/18/2014 19:22 PM

Her phone is off limits to me. Has been for a while. Can't see any txts cause I can't get in it. Plus she never leaves it laying arnd. Ever.

No definitive proof this rnd of PA but I do know they talk and she was at his hse.

Did have a friend of a friend tell me that he had heard at her wrk that she was officially separated from me and actively seeing OM. But I don't know how much to weigh that right now.....

I agree with the self esteem thing. She's always wanting someting done. Like braces, or boobs, or saying she fat etc..... She's always been that way and it makes no diff what I say to her about any of that!

She also told me after one of our conversations about trying to reconcile that I'd tell any person I was with that. Not just her...."cause I'm good like that"

Yes she has strong feeling for this OM. In fact she said that if we moved to China then that wldnt change that.

Also I know the last time she confessed to about at least talking to him was last October. I mean she spilled a ton of stuff and was a totally differnt/good person after that. For about 3 days. But then she went bk to being all shady.

I fnd out later that she had caught OM in another lie. Which she has done a ton and I guess she figured she better fix what she had at that pnt. But it didn't last long.

I reminded her of that about 3 wks ago and her comment bk to me was "well u still love me after all I've done to u so it's the same here"

Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

craig2001 posted 6/18/2014 19:34 PM

She also told me after one of our conversations about trying to reconcile that I'd tell any person I was with that. Not just her...."cause I'm good like that"

I dont understand what you mean there.

If she has feelings like that for the OM and will not do anything to change. You need to start thinking about divorce.

Get your finances together. If she refuses to change, you cannot live married like this forever.

Unless she grows up and comes to her senses, this cannot go on.

Did you ever ask her what she was doing at the OMs house. If she were to ask how you know, tell her someone told you.

hntr4life posted 6/18/2014 19:44 PM

Oh she knew how I knew because right after I ask her she disabled the iPhone gps and changed the password. She said she was worried about him and had to ck and see if he was ok because his wife had kicked him outta their hse after the last October deal I told u about

I agree this can't go on. I'm a wreck!! That's why I joined here. Because one day I'm ok and can function and the next I can't.

I'm just in limbo. Because I'm trying on my part but it's like she cld care less that I'm stressed.

We are basically just like roommates at home. She won't even undress/dress in front of me now. She shuts the door and changes!!

Just weird and idk