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MyNameIsDoug posted 6/18/2014 13:24 PM

Anyone who has read my previous posts know that most of them were done out of spite and just to get her off of my back. I have now hit rock bottom. When she told me she was filing for divorce I never believed it. This time I did and When I was looking for an apartment I started crying and realized that I don't want to be separated much less divorced. Other than posting on here and reading a few books is there anything else anyone has done that has gone through this? I already have a weekly psychologist appt. I am going to make marriage councillor appt. Any thoughts? This runs my life and is all I can think about. I want to help her.

Aubrie posted 6/18/2014 13:31 PM

Doug, R is not a laundry list of Dos and Don'ts. You "get it" or you don't.

Why have you reached rock bottom? Because your wife is saving herself from you? Because you don't like change? Because life after D will be hard? What is the motivation for your change?

MyNameIsDoug posted 6/18/2014 13:46 PM

Honestly, We were a great couple. I want to make her feel safe. I do have selfish reasons. I love her. I want to experience all the things life has to offer with her. I want to build on what we have now. But most important, I want her to feel safe,loved and special. There is not a day that I don't want to see her. I never "got it" before but I do now. I hit rock bottom because I never believed she would throw me out. Looking at that apartment scared me.

badchoice posted 6/19/2014 09:30 AM

Doug - I don't know your whole story, but I have have been where you are. I waited too long to hit bottom, and figure my shit out.

My suggestion is, stop this kind of thinking;

I do have selfish reasons.

It will make everything from this point on much easier, whatever happens.

You say you want her to feel safe, what are you doing to make her feel safe?


done out of spite and just to get her off of my back

Is not going to help.

What are you doing to make you a safe person?

[This message edited by badchoice at 9:31 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]

jaime2014 posted 6/22/2014 12:13 PM

It's very common that the WS finally wants to shape up when the wife is dead serious about divorcing. Let her go, love.

Godsgirl posted 6/23/2014 01:42 AM

In some ways, getting an apartment and being separated from everyday living with me and our kids did open up my FWH eyes. It was more of a stop in his long journey to rock bottom.

What FWH had to face though was fixing his brokenness for himself and his kids instead of focusing so much on me and our marriage. That might sound counterproductive when you want to save your M but my love and respect for my FWH has grown through watching him struggle and work hard to change himself and become a better man, father, and husband.

I suggest continuing weekly IC. It's kind of like your physical health. You have to make the internal changes before you see the outer changes.

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