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dana47 posted 6/18/2014 14:32 PM

What's the best way to show my BH I truly love him and always have.

I don't know how I came to this crazy place in my life. I've always loved hubby and if someone had told me what my life is like today 5 years ago I would have laughed. We've been married 16 years.

I am shocked and ashamed with myself.

bionicgal posted 6/18/2014 14:40 PM

I think most waywards feel that way. My husband would have laughed two-three years ago if I'd have told him he'd have an affair, and with who. He would not have believed it.

Keep talking, and reading. Best way to show BH you love him is through consistent, honest, remorseful action. No TT. Therapy and reading help, and just making yourself available for his healing.

wahoo8895 posted 6/18/2014 14:43 PM

Are you in MC? If so, you could ask him. When we were in MC, our therapist was very big on the concept that spouses are not mind readers and rejecting the idea that one spouse should "just know" what the other spouse wants "if they truly loved each other." She said it was important that we communicate clearly our needs and expectations. It goes a long way towards avoiding resentment, etc.

Have you done the love languages thing? If so, then you have a glimpse into the categories of ways in which your BH experiences love. Is it physical touch? Is it words of affirmation? Acts of kindness, etc.

And while I am firm believer in the idea of "actions not words," still it is nice to hear when FWW told me she loved me and was so sorry for what she'd done.

seethelight posted 6/18/2014 14:44 PM

I don't see a stop sign, but if you don't want to hear from Betrayed Spouses, let me know, and I will delete this.

Sadly, there is no one thing wayward can do to let their spouse know they love them and feel ashamed.

After a betrayal in which the faithful spouse was lied to, gaslighted, and likely discarded to some degree, while the wayward went off to have fun with the affair partner, words me nothing.

It's only actions that count going forward.

I do think telling him what you said here is very important, but it's more important to show it.

How? That's a difficult one.

Nothing says I don't love you more than having sex and fun and dating someone else while married to someone.

Even thinking of dating someone while married is incredibly insulting to the faithful spouse.

Once the damage is done, there really isn't any one thing that can be done to show love.

It's time and distance and consistency and honesty during that time, that will show love.

Alas, that can't be rushed and even with time, the betrayed will never trust the wayward the way they once did.

One thing that will help is that if you engaged in any blameshifiting or rewriting of marital history to justify the affair, you might want to apologize for doing that and acknowledge that it was a deep wound in yourself that lead to the affair.

After all, a faithful spouse can't fix something if they don't know it's broken.

If something in the marriage was broken, counseling was a good choice, and if that couldn't fix what was broken, separation or divorce would have been a kinder approach.

caspers1wish posted 6/18/2014 14:45 PM

What's the best way to show my BH I truly love him and always have.

I think this means something different for all sorts of people. Some want gestures, some want attention, gifts, you name it. I think the only real way to know would be to ask your husband.

There is also a misconception that the name of the game is winning back our spouse, not really healing. Like if only I showed him I loved him enough, he'll choose me, and not leave, from a wayward. A BS could similarly say the same thing, what's the best way to show I love him/her so he/she won't stray?

The best we can do is become healthy, to take care of ourselves. To foster an environment within your own person that is stable, respectful, safe, and loving. You can do all sorts of grand gestures to express your love, and it's all for not if you haven't done the work on you. I get that the urgency is to not lose the current person/situation. It is better to be healthy and alone, than broken and together. Let go of the outcomes.

dana47 posted 6/18/2014 15:46 PM

Heartfelt thanks to you all for your advice. I recognize I have an addiction and I am willing to face it and work on it.

SlowUptake posted 6/18/2014 20:20 PM

I recognize I have an addiction and I am willing to face it and work on it.
You do not have an addiction.
What you have is a selfish, entitled willingness to fulfill your desires regardless of the betrayal of those you love.

You need to be working on how to fix that, not blameing an 'addiction'.

Stillnotoverit posted 6/18/2014 22:40 PM

Also didn't see stop sign, just days ago you posted still missing AP. Then posted his contacting u email text. If you really love your hubby AP should be totally blocked NC period. Know I'm a BH but this if this R is what u really want, hear on out NC. Be patient with hubby, he is going up Rollar Coster moods good, bad, loving, hurtful. MC a must it'd going to take years. Some good some not bit just maybe, just maybe you'll be a success story Nd hav more than ever before. Hope to GOd it goes well. But I HAVE to decide
What u really want Hubby(M) or AP and the fog

BrokenButTrying posted 6/19/2014 03:26 AM

You do not have an addiction. Stop blameshifting. Behaviour in affairs mirrors that of addicts but it is not an actual addiction.

Own your shit. You CHOSE to do this. You had complete control of your self at all times.

Want to show your BH that you love him? Focus on him and help him heal. You hardly mention him. How is he? How is he coping? What are you doing to help him?

Actually do something to fix yourself instead of talking about AP and his marriage. NC doesn't mean just physical and not talking, it means mental NC. Stop thinking about him. Become indifferent.

Get yourself into IC. Find your why. Read, read and then read some more. Build walls around yourself with appropriate boundaries with a window only for your husband. Get some coping mechanisms instead of white knuckling NC.

seethelight posted 6/19/2014 09:08 AM


ou do not have an addiction.
What you have is a selfish, entitled willingness to fulfill your desires regardless of the betrayal of those you love.

You need to be working on how to fix that, not blameing an 'addiction'.

I agree with this post and others who have emphatically stated you do not have an addiction.

Love is a choice, being faithful is a choice and cheating is a series of choices the wayward makes.

Although infatuation feels like and addiction, it has not been proven to have withdrawal symptoms anywhere near the symptoms of a true physical addiction like heroin or even the addcitive substances they used to add to cigarrettes.

Claiming it's an addiction takes the responsibility away from the wayward. That is wrong and unhealthy.

A person who is claiming they are addicted to cheating and sex is likely to cheat again.

Sex, may cause a psychological addiction like being addicted to eating cubcakes, but it does not cause a physical addiction.

Own your stuff and face up to the fact that you choice to cheat was a CHOICE.

dana47 posted 6/19/2014 12:44 PM

I'd like to respond to those of you who do not see cheating/infedelity as an addictive behavior. Firstly I want to say that I know addiction and the behaviors involved well. My sibling was a drug addict for 11 years and I witnessed first hand the behaviors displayed. AND I helped my BH with an addiction he had most his life. He did all the work, I was there for support.
Many people in this world have been through some kind of traumatic experience. In my case I suffer from PTSD. For most my life I balanced my emotions and pain in "healthy" ways. However something truly tragic happened in my life almost 3 years ago and for lack of a better term I "lost it". I began feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and pain. I began IC. As time passed I wasn't getting better. I began withdrawing from my family and friends. I began having lustful thoughts about men. As my pain increased I began using male attention to ease it. I knew what I was doing and I wanted to stop but I found myself chasing my next fix. There is scientific proof that the chemicals in the brain during my interactions with AP are similar to cocaine. So now I am getting better with each passing day. I am fighting the fight. I was not in love with my AP. I was addicted to the feeling I got when we were together. An addict thinks of his addiction 24/7. Gambling, drinking, porn, sex, religion, lust, food, work....addiction comes in many forms.
The only way I can recover is to acknowledge my addiction. Last feb. I spent a week in IC and all my counselors agreed I need a sobriety contract for my lust addiction.

somethingremorse posted 6/19/2014 12:48 PM

Might be a t/j:

Recently, I thanked BW for giving me a chance and helping me heal myself. BW responded with "You are worth it."

Right at this point, 7 1/2 months past DDay, close to 4 years from when I started A#1, I am very much NOT worth it.

I guess I was worth it once before. I am determined to be worth it again. I will be the best version of me possible. I am going to give my energy into helping BW and making our M better than it ever was.

That's the way I show BW that I love her. Doing that as much as I possibly can. Love is a choice and an action. I will constantly make that choice, show that action, to BW and no one else. That is the only way for either of us to feel like I am worth her time and pain and love.

NewWorldMan posted 6/19/2014 13:58 PM

I believe I was addicted to the high of the affair. At the same time I was extremely selfish, had no boundaries, etc.

But I do believe some of us waywards experienced an addiction. What else explains my crazy behavior?

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