SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

ButterflyLost posted 6/18/2014 16:36 PM

Hello, I am new to this forum. In the past, WH has had 3 EA's and an addiction to internet porn.

This last Fall, I found out that when he was out of town for business, he posted an ad on craigslist for women to "come hang out and watch movies" in his hotel room. Well, he had multiple email conversations with multiple women as a result of this post. Ultimately, one of the women ended up taking him up on his offer and they slept together. He insists that it was only one time, and that she texted him again while he was still out of town and he told her he wasn't interested because he's married and feels remorse.

He tells me that he's very remorseful, he's sorry, etc. And I've been trying for these last 10 months but I'm still SO hurt. I always saw him as a family man. We have a 3 year old daughter together. And of course, she is on my mind most of the time when I think about what I should do with our future.

I am very irritated by him ALL the time. I feel like he is always poking at me and trying to get a reaction out of me with dumb jokes, silly observations, etc. When I think about it, I'm sure he's just trying to get attention because I've distanced myself. But this has led to me being completely and utterly annoyed by him ALL the time. I don't even know that I feel any love anymore. I guess I'm looking for words of wisdom or anyone that has experienced this. Do my feelings mean that this marriage is over?

brkn_heartd posted 6/18/2014 21:40 PM

Butterflylost,
I am sorry you need to be here, but glad you found us. You feel this way right now because you are hurt. He deliberately created an ad on Craigs list. Very intentional and deliberate. He knew what he was doing. He chose to act out over your feelings. You are in shock and it is understandable.

Sometimes and A is a dealbreaker, some times not. In the beginning, however, I think it is hard to know because your emotions are all over the place. Some of the best advice I was given was not to make a major decision for at least 6 months. It is in that time, you can start to sort our your emotions.

There will be times you can't stand to look at him and want to throttle him, other times you will feel love for him. Individual counseling may help you work through your feelings. He needs to do some work on himself and figure out why he needed to do this. He cannot tell you he is remorseful. He has to demonstrate that....and it takes time to show it. I imagine right now he is regretful...but remorse takes a while.

Healing takes 2-5 years. I am working on my 5th year now. I totally agree with that time frame and had been told that many times. However, if you decide it is a deal breaker, it is ok to walk away too. Only you know what is right for you and your daughter.

bent44 posted 6/19/2014 00:36 AM

I am sorry you have found yourself here! But please know the folks here are the salt of the earth.

Other than acting like an annoying child, what is your WS doing? Is he in IC, has he gone no contact, is he getting help for his porn addiction, being transparent, trying to help you sort through the myriad of emotions you are dealing with? These are just SOME of the things he should be doing if he is truly remorseful, and not just "talking the talk". He needs to be earning a shot at reconciliation.

Please read everything you can here. You are not alone. There is an awesome thread in the I Can Relate forum titled partners of sex addicts. I am not saying he is, but the porn addiction you mentioned leads me to think you may find some wisdom there.

As is often said here, believe none of his words and only half of his actions.

Please try to take care of yourself.

BTW, SANPDXWS irritated me all the time too. Our marriage is over and has been for awhile. Unfortunately, we still have contact, so he is still irritating me Just less often, and from more of a distance.

ButterflyLost posted 6/19/2014 09:44 AM

We tried MC (marriage counseling - right? I'm having a hard time interpreting the abbreviations at times). The woman was not a good fit for us. Daily life got in the way and we haven't been back. I am starting IC on the 30th. Counselors are extremely hard to get in with around here and psychiatrists are even harder. I wasn't able to get in with a psychiatrist until the end of August.

He has NC with the person. It was just a "one night stand" and has not been in touch with her at all since the A.

WH and I sat down and few months ago and laid out guidelines that he should be following to show me that he is working towards R. One of those guidelines is that he will no longer look at internet porn. After the craigslist incident, I have a strong negative feeling towards anything that opens up to the "outside world". I did concede that he could still look at porn that he has saved on a hard drive. I'm still iffy about conceding to that but I thought that he wouldn't be able to look at NOTHING and I wanted it to be manageable for him. I know he still looks at the hard drive porn but not the internet porn at the moment. I monitor his internet usage (I don't know if this is ok?).

[This message edited by ButterflyLost at 9:48 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]

ButterflyLost posted 6/19/2014 09:46 AM

I also wanted to mention that I often feel pressured or expected to be intimate with him. I did go through the initial phase of wanting to with him (which I read in the library is normal). But now, I don't even want him to touch me. This is hard for him to understand. He slept in a different room for quite a while but he's back in the bedroom with me now. This week I've been feeling like asking him to leave the room again...I get really uncomfortable when I'm changing, etc.

Schadenfreude posted 6/19/2014 09:50 AM

I'm trying to set up a Craigslist listing myself. Its not easy. You have to register, create a password, provide identifying information, etc. Even more than to register here. So when you are told it was his deliberate choice, you are being told the truth. You don't do it in a minute or on a whim. And you have to create the ad, too.

BTW, I'm trying to sell a car, not set up a tryst. So no 2 x 4's please!

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/19/2014 10:02 AM

I'm sorry you're here but you will probably find some great resources. Your husband has hurt your and treated you badly for some time. What you choose to do about that isn't something you need to decide today. You need to make sure that you feel emotionally safe and take care of yourself. Your spouse has traumatized you. That's sometimes hard to hear, but the person who is supposed to have our back betrayed you. There are some great tools in the Healing Library. Try to drink plenty of water and see if you can get some time to go for a walk every day. "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" is a good book to check out when you're ready to start thinking about the future.

Good Luck.

norabird posted 6/19/2014 12:54 PM

You WH has a terrible lack of boundaries. Have him read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and also "How To Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair". Remorse isn't just an intense few weeks of self-flagellating--it takes years of hard work for him to build up proper boundaries and learn to think of you and your needs instead of just his own. His coping methods are just broken as is he.

For the internet porn addiction, he should go to some 12 step SA meetings and he also needs to be in IC> He has huge huge issues not just with entitlement and selfishness but also with what real intimacy is...and you're suffering for it.

I hope you see a lawyer and get some advice so that you know the lay of the land. I'm so sorry he has done this to you.

ButterflyLost posted 6/19/2014 15:43 PM

norabird - Thank you for the book recommendations, I just purchased the first one you recommended and I will have him read it and I will also read it.

I suppose I also knew that he does have an addiction but never thought about having him attend SA meetings. I will look into this. It would make me feel a lot better. I still struggle DAILY with his pron usage. I don't think I will ever be okay with it. Do men exist that DON'T look at the damn stuff?!

He needs to get into IC as well. What I'm dealing with here is a long and drawn out story but he is military and most of his A's (only 1 PA, multiple other EA's) happen when he's out of town. Well, he's about to be deployed for 30 days again coming up at the end of July so I think this is why things are starting to surface for me again.

somer222 posted 6/19/2014 16:19 PM

I am so sorry you are here. It is my opinion your wayward husband should see a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist). They are the only professionals who can diagnose and treat sex addiction.

As for sex addiction, I think you have some real red flags with him. I'm sorry to say that. My ex is a SA. Their web of deception can be astounding.

How do you know the EA's stopped at the emotional level? How do you know how many there have been? Are you taking his word for it? You shouldn't, honey. Cheaters lie. Ask any BS here. And they will rarely tell you any more than what they think you already know or what they have already told you. They will minimize.

From what I'm reading, you are having a very hard time moving forward, in one direction or another with your marriage. I think you owe it to yourself to find do the following:

1. Know the full truth about his activities (i.e. lie detector test)
2. Know "what" you are dealing with (if he is SA) - CSAT amd have him tested.
3. Get yourself to your doctor and have a full STD panel run, asap, if you haven't done so already. He needs to have a full panel run as well.

Is he showing you any signs of genuine remorse? Talk is cheap. Has he suffered any consequences as a result of his cheating? It sounds from your post that he is kind of joking around about this. That concerns me.

You say he has an Internet porn problem. It also sounds like he has negotiated some kind of deal with you that will allow him to look at some porn he has saved? If he is a sex addict, this is throwing fuel on the fire. It is like giving an alcoholic a little drink. Why does he "need" the porn so badly? Big red flag.

I would like nothing more than to have positive things to say to you, but I am worried about what may be going on under your nose. Listen to your gut. Your irritation level with him is telling you something. Listen to it.

I am so sorry. Please keep posting. It does help.

Somer

ButterflyLost posted 6/19/2014 16:25 PM

Somer - Thank you! You all have no idea how helpful this is to me. I almost feel stupid because I didn't know a lot what was going on or how serious it is.

I just made an appointment for Monday for an STD test. I was reading through the STD forum section and the mention of the "wicked horrible yeast infections" post-D-day rang true for me. I am so, so afraid right now.

I don't even know what to do anymore. This all seems like so much. My mind keeps telling me that it would be easier just to kick him to the curb.

somer222 posted 6/19/2014 16:30 PM

As far as being intimate with him, I wouldn't, until:

1. He has a clean STD panel that you see with your own two eyes
2. You know he is not acting out and he is in appropriate counseling and treatment
3. He is showing true remorse and doing everything he can to help you heal and to heal the marriage
4. You are ready emotionally

The whole game changed when you learned he cheated on you. You get to call the shots now. It is your life, your health and your future. He has to earn back your trust, with his actions, not just words and he needs to be completely transparent.

For some betrayed spouses, infidelity is a deal breaker. No second chances. Your WS should count his lucky stars that you are giving him the gift of a possible reconciliation. It is a gift. He needs to earn it.

somer222 posted 6/19/2014 18:51 PM

ButterflyLost,

Good for you for making that appointment. This is a huge step in taking care of you.

We all know how overwhelming this is. Even months after D day. That is why it is so important to keep posting. You will find incredible support and great suggestions on things you can do to help make your life a bit easier as you go through this.

Take care of you!

Somer

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/20/2014 09:59 AM

(((Butterfly))) Good luck with your testing. Don't be embarrassed!!! YOU have done nothing about which to be ashamed. YOU are taking care of yourself and getting the care you need.

Only you can decide if you want to stay in a relationship with someone who has behaved this way. If you can, find an individual therapist you can talk with about getting through the next few weeks. You are in shock and need to come to terms with your new reality.

ButterflyLost posted 6/20/2014 10:25 AM

Thanks again everyone for so much support. I was able to get in with a Psychologist that is covered by my insurance for next Wednesday. She seems like she'll be a good fit because she has worked a lot with military families (WH is military).

My neighbor across the street died in a car accident this morning, leaving behind his wife and 3 young children all under the age of 5. Their youngest isn't even a year old yet. It put things into perspective for me and made my own (big) problems seem smaller. It made me want to R.

He is such a good dad. But was such a lousy husband. He has been a better husband lately but my trust isn't back yet.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/20/2014 11:27 AM

Quite honestly, I don't believe he's remorseful at all. I think he just regrets getting caught. Big difference.

Everything he did was calculated and deliberate to get that CL hag into his room, and if he really felt as bad as he claims, he would have never done it or come to you afterwards. Truth is, he would have never told you about it had you not found out on your own. Coupled with multiple affairs you've already caught him in prior to this latest offense, it just seems a little contrived that suddenly he's "feeling remorseful" when he never did before.

I think that's why you're having such a hard time reconciling.

Why are YOU the only one getting tested for STDs? He's the one who acted like a horse's ass so he needs to get dragged to the doctor for poking prodding, swabbing and everything else, too.

ETA: After reading through more posts in this thread, it really boils down to the fact that he's a serial cheater. He takes every opportunity he can to cheat, and Craigslist was just one of many. And now, you're to the point where you don't even want him looking at you naked. I get it. Hell, I wouldn't want him in the same house with me, never mind seeing me naked.

I feel really bad for you. He cheats, you forgive, he cheats again, you forgive again, he cheats yet again, you forgive yet again....it's just a vicious cycle.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 11:33 AM, June 20th (Friday)]

ButterflyLost posted 6/20/2014 15:05 PM

I sound like a typical abuse victim, don't I? In the day-to-day hustle, things are pretty good. He's a good father, he does his duties around the house.

Yet he's got an addiction to porn and cheats on me all the time.

Do serial cheaters ever change?

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/20/2014 15:12 PM

I think the question (and what your therapist will ask) is if YOU want to change.

ButterflyLost posted 6/20/2014 15:21 PM

I think the question (and what your therapist will ask) is if YOU want to change.

What would I have to change?