My BW held my hand at the mall the other day. I felt like I was going to burst with happiness. On the other hand, last night she went out after work and got home really late and told me on the drive she was thinking about whether she could live in our upstairs guest bedroom and how she wants to go out and date and find someone who actually wants her.
She got a promotion recently which is preventing her from going on a camping trip for the next 3 days that we had planned in order to spend more family time together. So now it's just a father/son trip.
I'm happy for her and her promotion. It's what she wants to do and it's something she has never done.
I know I'm the one that caused all this and I really do want her to be happy, whether that's with me or without me, but I'm feeling lonely and scared and broken. Even if I'm the "model wayward", it may be too little too late.
I'm starting to hate being out in public, like the grocery store, and seeing other smiling happy families.
My job sucks. The pay is OK but the satisfaction is low and it often feels like nobody really cares at my company. I got a pay cut not too long ago because business is on the decline. I work at home, which I thought was a plus, but unlike my BW I have no colleagues to go out with after hours. I don't have any friends. I sit out with the neighbors and watch the kids play sometimes, but that's it. And who knows how much longer I'll be able to do that.
My one friend.. My best friend.. My wife.. I put her out of my mind completely while I went and did what I wanted. I wouldn't want me either.
I feel so sad and lonely. Thank god I have my son around. Sometimes I feel like he's the only good thing I've ever made. He's the sweetest boy and is always trying to cheer me up. I have a hard time controlling my emotions. I start thinking about things and the tears well up.
It's just really hard right now. That's all. I try to take care of my BW's wants and needs. If she wants a plate of scrambled eggs, I go and make her a plate of scrambled eggs by god. And I'm trying to be humble.
But right now, I just needed to vent. Actually, this is the third time I'm writing this post. The last two felt like too much self-pity for posting.
This knot in my chest just won't go away.
I'm tired. It's exhausting.