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PenitentMan posted 6/18/2014 20:10 PM

My BW held my hand at the mall the other day. I felt like I was going to burst with happiness. On the other hand, last night she went out after work and got home really late and told me on the drive she was thinking about whether she could live in our upstairs guest bedroom and how she wants to go out and date and find someone who actually wants her.

She got a promotion recently which is preventing her from going on a camping trip for the next 3 days that we had planned in order to spend more family time together. So now it's just a father/son trip.

I'm happy for her and her promotion. It's what she wants to do and it's something she has never done.

I know I'm the one that caused all this and I really do want her to be happy, whether that's with me or without me, but I'm feeling lonely and scared and broken. Even if I'm the "model wayward", it may be too little too late.

I'm starting to hate being out in public, like the grocery store, and seeing other smiling happy families.

My job sucks. The pay is OK but the satisfaction is low and it often feels like nobody really cares at my company. I got a pay cut not too long ago because business is on the decline. I work at home, which I thought was a plus, but unlike my BW I have no colleagues to go out with after hours. I don't have any friends. I sit out with the neighbors and watch the kids play sometimes, but that's it. And who knows how much longer I'll be able to do that.

My one friend.. My best friend.. My wife.. I put her out of my mind completely while I went and did what I wanted. I wouldn't want me either.

I feel so sad and lonely. Thank god I have my son around. Sometimes I feel like he's the only good thing I've ever made. He's the sweetest boy and is always trying to cheer me up. I have a hard time controlling my emotions. I start thinking about things and the tears well up.

It's just really hard right now. That's all. I try to take care of my BW's wants and needs. If she wants a plate of scrambled eggs, I go and make her a plate of scrambled eggs by god. And I'm trying to be humble.

But right now, I just needed to vent. Actually, this is the third time I'm writing this post. The last two felt like too much self-pity for posting.

This knot in my chest just won't go away.

I'm tired. It's exhausting.

saturnpatrick posted 6/18/2014 20:22 PM

It sounds like your BW is riding the roller coaster.

Are you in IC? If so, I recommend just printing this out and bringing it in. If you are not in IC, I highly recommend it.

Also, what are your hobbies and interests? Are there groups / organizations that are related to these hobbies that you can join to get some interaction with other people? (Obviously healthy interaction. If it makes your BW uncomfortable then her needs are a priority at the moment.)

PenitentMan posted 6/18/2014 20:53 PM

The one hobby I did have, martial arts, I spent too much time doing and often my son had to be there with me. All two often I stuck an ipad in his hands to keep him busy for hours at a time. We met the "other couple" there. I pretty much gave it up now. They teach such concepts as honor and integrity, something I didn't have at the time. The exercise was good but it came with its own host of issues and anxieties..

Right now I feel like I should be here, with her new job and constantly changing schedule. My son mentioned joining the boy scouts in the fall. I could get involved with that with him maybe. Right now he's home from school with nothing to do.

If things were less rollercoasterish and more stable (or if *I* were more stable), maybe I'd be more inclined to put myself out there in some capacity. It's hard to even think about some social activity for myself right now. I hear what you're saying though.

Yes, I'm in IC and we're both in MC

[This message edited by SelfishHusband at 8:54 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

somethingremorse posted 6/19/2014 12:37 PM

Hang in there.

I understand the conflict between doing things that you personally enjoy, but not wanting to live the life you used to live. Lots of people here, including me, have expressed doubts about working out again. There is an amount of selfishness that comes with really pursuing a hobby like that. I don't want to go near anything that is selfish. So I'm afraid to really jump into anything.

I am really hesitant to do things like work out or play golf, because that takes me away from BW and my family. At the same time, BW is nervous that if I don't get some release, that I'll backslide. It is a real life damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Where I am at now is that I try to work out a handful of evenings a week. Maybe play golf every other weekend, if nothing else is happening. But if I feel like we need to talk, haven't really seen each other, or (like yesterday) had some sort of trigger during the day, then I skip it and come to bed. I'm doing things for me when I can, when R permits it. I think it's baby steps, but it is all I and my BW can handle right now. It really is a compromise -- I'm not doing exercise well, but I'm still doing some. this also gets BW used to seeing me taking back some of my life, too. She is easing into me doing things for myself at the same time I am.

You are at a little bit different spot. But you need to add SH time, even if it is gradually. You probably cannot really commit to the intensive kind of martial arts that you used to do. Find something where you can be a part of it, but can skip out if your home situation seems to require it. Don't be a Boy Scout leader, but help out when you can. Maybe you cannot go full out on a martial arts class, but could you find something less intense?

Finally, I am not a Boy Scout person. But I know lots and lots of people around me who are. I think that there is a lot of "fellowship of men and fathers" that uplifts a lot of these men. I actually think the Dads get more out of it than the boys.

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