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Need advice tonight if possible

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12yearsloyal posted 6/18/2014 22:23 PM

Yesterday WS dialed OW on his I phone vonage app and the call read as canceled so it did not go thru. Also he dialed OW's friend (who I also hate) and that call read 2 seconds. So he did not get thru to either one at least on the vonage app. This is a breach of his NC agreement with me. NC with OW, OW family, OW friends. Now, he also bought a trac phone sim because he called trac phone cust service as I saw it on the iphone call logs yesterday as well.

Yesterday I confronted him about the trac phone cust serv call and he said he did not speak to OW. Ok but still not right if this is true. Deception is here loud and clear!

Dialing is an attempt to make contact.

Today before I headed out he gave me the trac phone sim and said here I want you to hold onto this. I was surprised. So later in the day I called trac phone and gave them the code on the sim to see the # of minutes on it and they came back with zero. Hummmm. So I had them check again (long number) and the gal could not re-verify that the sim was in fact at zero minutes. The point of this is now I am wondering if he really did make contact with OW yesterday then just gave me the used up sim today as a fake gesture of good will.

WS is also dealing with unemployment because he was working in another country with the ho worker and work permit issues forced his hand to have to resign and move back to the US. So not only do we have a crisis in our marriage but he now has the added stress of losing his identity thru his career life.

I do not feel sorry for him, he made his bed.

Tomorrow morning he has a full day of work opportunity meetings and my question is do I keep my mouth shut and deal with his mental issues after this or do I blow up in the am and kick his ass to the curb? He is the main bread winner so I don't want to jump any guns here.

My options:

Take half a Xanax tonight and just go to sleep, and let him do his business meeting(s) thing tomorrow. It will be hard for him to contact OW because he will be with my best friend's Godly husband all day.

or do I:
Confront him first thing in the morning and kick his ass out. He can go live with his brother and we do some type of structured separation and continue with counseling.

He has IC set up for early next week. We have gone to MC but he admitted he needs to get his head right before continuing with MC so he is getting a few sessions of IC in first to attempt to figure out his issues. Has problems with closure with OW and also with the M in general. He is in a way fence sitting even though there is really no easy physical way for OW to live in the US with him or him returning back to her country. This EA is continuing in his mind. Can't be PA anymore due to the logistics. I told him this morning that it is emotional abuse if he continues to want to contact OW. I have been dealing with this since March.

I am also disappointed that we got WS new phone number, new email and now his piece of trash OW surely must have the new info. I am tired of this. What should I do?

Hidingmyhurt posted 6/18/2014 22:30 PM

I can tell you that in my situation, I didn't separate the minute I had the evidence. I waited until I had some ducks lined up. I got on my antidepressants to help my mood. It was VERY hard, and I did end up confronting him after I had the ducks mostly in a row but before my planned day to confront (mostly b/c I was tired of him acting like nothing was wrong while I was struggling emotionally within). I don't know if this helps, but for me, the decision to do this slowly has actually helped my youngest son adjust to what is coming. He knows mom and dad are divorcing, and has been able to get comfortable with knowing that 1) we're putting him 1st when it comes to this, and not planning to drastically overhaul his life (STBX will still be in town and plans to have visits often, we're getting DS a phone so they can have contact) and 2) he is still loved by both of his parents. Not your situation, I know, but I found that slow has helped to make this a much easier transition for the whole (even though I've had some rough days.

latebloomer45 posted 6/18/2014 22:37 PM

So sorry,,, you are right, he's still in the EA at least, sitting on the fence. But I would not mess up his work day if he is the main wage earner.

Have him move out on Friday or whatever his "weekend" is (next day off).

What is his supposed reason for having a second phone?

kansas1968 posted 6/18/2014 22:51 PM

Since your dday is so recent, I would take the xanex and go to bed. He is still in the fog and that is why he is attempting contact. You can always kick him out or you can always leave. Give it a little time. Go to MC and see what happens. If you act a bit cool to him and make noises about divorce, he may pull his head out of his ass and decide that he does not want to lose you.

I think the end of affairs are much like the end of many relationships. It takes a little time and perspective for someone to see how not right that relationship was. You are not going to lose anything by giving this a bit more time.

So sorry you are in such pain. It really is unbearable.

12yearsloyal posted 6/18/2014 22:56 PM

We got him an I phone that is on my account (second line). He put the vonage app and also whats app on the I phone. He said it was so he can talk to international business contacts for cheap. (ok - Whore is also international)

He did not ask me first about these apps, he put them on there because he is a selfish moron and it will make it easier for him to continue EA. This is bull shit.

The trac phone is his old BB. I asked about it and he gave it to me tonight. I had the trac phone sim that he gave to me this morning. I did think it was strange that he did not turn over the BB this morning. He said the sim did not work in the BB. Do I believe him? NO.

I have asked him to not contact OW. He wants to ask IC about closure with OW and most likely if IC thinks he should contact OW to get it. I highly doubt IC will tell him to contact OW. Of course I can't trust anything he says or does. This is an exhausting mess. How long can I be the detective before I throw in the towel?

12yearsloyal posted 6/18/2014 23:02 PM

Thank you so much for the responses. I want to give R a shot but at the same time do not want to be a door matt. I want to get to the point where it really is my way or the highway. I think I have earned it. I think he is mental right now. Really he doesn't even look the same as he used to.
His ego is shot from the loss of career and I think he is grasping for something. Of course he is broken. He is empty. He has chosen evil and he will learn that evil does not fill his empty.

I'm going to try to give him grace between now and his IC on Tuesday. This will not be easy. At least tomorrow he will be with a great man all day and he will keep him straight as much as in his power as possible. God help us.

bent44 posted 6/19/2014 00:11 AM

It is clear you know what you know in your head. How is your heart? I only ask this because it took awhile before I could get the two in synch. And it wasn't until I could really, honestly do that that I could make a true decision.

Let your head take the time to get your ducks in a row, i.e. see a lawyer, secure your finances however things go, and get your support crew in place.

Then, your heart. What decision will lead you to peace and a strong feeling of safety? Makes the head stuff easy, for sure!

I won't even pretend to know what is right for you, but sense that a little time may provide some clarity. Sending you strength tonight.

12yearsloyal posted 6/19/2014 08:13 AM

Well I went half way between my 2 options that I gave myself. I went to bed without the Xanax but I also told him in a calm voice that I know he tried to make contact with OW and OW's friend. This morning he said "this is kind of like a virus and I think we need to let it run its course."

I am now reemploying the 180. I told him that I can't control what he does and I am no longer going to try to do that. I will decide the timeline that I want to deal with his "virus".

I know we will now have to get him another new cell number since he breached the trust with this one. I am not doing a thing until he gets his head fixed. IF he wants to stay with me he is not going to have vonage or whats app on his phone. No way. This will be my decision. He can comply or buh bye.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/19/2014 08:55 AM

He did not ask me first about these apps, he put them on there because he is a selfish moron and it will make it easier for him to continue EA. This is bull shit.

Well, unfortunately a lot of cheaters have now switched over to the texting/chatting/video-chatting apps now available for iPhones and Smart Phones. The communication history of these programs doesn't get recorded on your cell bill as it's all done within the app.

So, I tend to agree with you. Giving you the SIM seems to be an empty show of goodwill as the What's App is probably being used for any secret communication he's got going on, now.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 6/19/2014 08:57 AM

I think he's pretty much told you in a round about way he's still involved emotionally with OW. For one the comment about "letting it run its course" and for two the comment about asking his IC if he should get closure with OW.

Right now, his priority is himself (and possibly OW).

You are correct you cannot control him. If I were in your situation, Id initiate separation.

12yearsloyal posted 6/19/2014 09:25 AM

I really wish I could understand how this homely woman has been able to get so deep inside his head. Anyone on the outside looking in would think the same thing - what was he thinking?

I'm going to see if there is a keylogger program that works with Iphone. If anyone knows there is please let me know.

I know I can't control him but I am willing to wait a little longer and continue monitoring. I will not wait too long though. His IC is coming up. I know it will not fix him in one session or maybe not at all but I will at least wait for that to happen.

I own the home so he will have to go if he does not want to R. He needs to step up quick.

norabird posted 6/19/2014 13:02 PM

I am now reemploying the 180. I told him that I can't control what he does and I am no longer going to try to do that. I will decide the timeline that I want to deal with his "virus".

You are doing great in a bad situation. Keep focusing on you. He will sink or he will swim--no matter what you are going to get to dry land on your own.

latebloomer45 posted 6/19/2014 21:26 PM

I would not trust what he says his IC says...many here could post about the bullshit WS use under this guise.

My WH bought OW a Christmas gift. DD was before Christmas. He still gave her the gift in March...for "closure" (they work together but at different locations now). That was six years ago and I still can't believe I didn't leave him over that. It was certainly the closest I came.

The way to get over a virus is to STOP GOING BACK TO THE SOURCE OF INFECTION!

12yearsloyal posted 6/20/2014 21:57 PM

Latebloomer, thanks for the heads up. I never thought about how he could lie about what his IC tells him. Really now I need to view him as a possible pathological liar.

Yesterday we watched a dvd and I asked him if the movie had good reviews. He said yes. Then I realized thru further discussion that he even lied about that, he never saw any reviews on it. Why not just say "I don't know" ??? Strange. So now every time he opens his mouth I have to say true or false? I'm such an honest person this is mind blowing for me.

The big question is do I want to live with this type of person? Right now he does not even know if he wants the M. He is still screwed up with the EA even though they are separated by an ocean. I have no way to verify if he tried to make contact with her again since the last breach. These apps (vonage, whats app) are great tools for cheaters and home wreckers.

MoreThanMe posted 6/20/2014 22:07 PM

Oh no! He has the "head in ass selfish virus!"-he should be careful sometimes people just can't get well and end up divorced.

12yearsloyal posted 6/20/2014 22:30 PM

He's going to get to be selfish all by himself for most of the weekend. I'm going away to see my family. He can freely call or text to his Ho over in the banana republic. Then he can clear his app history and get rid of the evidence.

I went to work out today for the first time in a long time. It really helped my mind. I'm going to try to do this 5 days a week. I feel more empowered from it. I will focus on myself as much as possible. Even though he has not made up his mind, I really do hold the cards. Yes I would like R but not at the cost of my health. I think I can let this fence sitting crap drag on for 2 more weeks. That will be more than enough for me. He will have had a few sessions of IC.

MadeOfScars posted 6/20/2014 22:55 PM

You seem to have a very good head on your shoulders, but I wanted to highlight this especially -

Even though he has not made up his mind, I really do hold the cards. Yes I would like R but not at the cost of my health.

May sound cliche, but this is half the battle. Use your logic and reasoning and let it win out over your heart. No, I'm not anti-R by any means, but like you said, at what cost? You've been through enough, and it's on your WS to show, not say, that he's up to the challenge to fix the mess he and only he caused.

Hang in there.

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