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Help, I broke NC!

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lostintrans posted 6/18/2014 22:39 PM

BH is upset. Help me understand please...This is an account of what happened. I sent it to BH...

This is what happened:

He pulled up as I was giving water to the dog and drinking water. (I had just finished a run at a local reservation) He saw me. I kept giving water to the dog. He walked over and said Hi. I took out my headphones and said Hi. (Im pretty sure I should have left them in and ignored him, I was very nervous to see him...) He said : Were you running or walking?" I said " A little of both"
Him: "Whats new? How are you?"
Me: "Good, How are you?"
Him: "OK. I miss you guys...(he used to take care of our kids, he misses the kids) "How are the kids?"
Me: They are doing well. How are your kids/grandson?
Him: Great... DD is pregnant... Her and Husband are not great but he's great with the kids so... shes having another baby with him...
Me: "Really??"
OK I have to go...
Him: I always think about you guys whenever Im here.
Me; Yeah... Then I put my dog in the car and started walking to get in the car when I blurted out "Well, Im really mad at you sometimes..."
Him: Mad at me??
Me:Yeah... I have to go...
Him: Why would you be mad at me??
Me: Im mad at you for letting me do that. For letting that happen...
Him:Hey-I tried to stop it.We talked a lot before anything happened...Dont be mad at me! I want to know why you did it.
Me: Im not talking about this with you. I have to go...
Him:Hold on a minute-just give me a minute...
Me: DS has to get to school. Im leaving...
Him: Do you think I somehow corrupted you? Because we were just was so easy to talk to you...
Me-Getting in the car...
Him: Its not like it was about the other stuff ( he means PA) because that was so infrequent...I miss the friendship...
Me: Im leaving...
Him: Hug??
Me: No
Him: Oh come on...
Me:No way
Him-reached out to hug
Me: Absolutely not
Him:Oh come on... something I couldnt understand ended with "so long"

Then he kind of put his arms around me to hug. I patted him on the back...
I got in the car.
He was still trying to talk to me. I drove away...
THats the truth.

I didnt want to see him. I dont want to see him. I was very surprised and nervous. I dont know if I smiled. I was thinking of you (DH) the whole time. I just wanted to get out of there. I apologize if my reactions were disappointing.

Thanks in advance for reading, input.

EvolvingSoul posted 6/18/2014 22:49 PM

Oh wow, well, I can see why he is upset. You engaged. Half-heartedly, sorta unwillingly but you did.

Did you have a plan in place before this happened for how you would handle an incidental encounter with AP?

The good news is you aren't hiding it. I have not had an incidental encounter with AP so I don't have any first hand experience with what you're dealing with but if you didn't have a plan in place before it would be a good idea to discuss with BS and make one now.

Good luck and strength from an occasionally EvolvingSoul.

SlowUptake posted 6/18/2014 23:14 PM

It's obvious you did not have a plan for this encounter.

It's difficult to go against the life long programming that good manners dictate that we acknowledge people when they engage us, no matter who they are.

Ok, here's the plan from now on.

No matter where you are or who your with, you see him approaching, you face him, look him directly in the eye and say,

"Fuck off, loser!" or "Get lost, loser!" if cussing is not your thing or children are around.

Nothing more, you then ignore him and get the hell out of Dodge without another word. No excuses, no umming or aahing, no explanations, you owe him nothing.

Him-reached out to hug
Me: Absolutely not
Him:Oh come on... something I couldnt understand ended with "so long"

Then he kind of put his arms around me to hug. I patted him on the back...

This is assault. You clearly stated you did not wish to be touched.

Have you sent a firm NC letter? the "so long" would indicate not.
If not, now would be the time, with a firm statement that the assault will be reported to police.

Good Luck


Help me understand please...
What is it you need help to understand?
Your BS's anger?
Your lack of appropriate response to the encounter?
Your AP's lack of boundaries?

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 11:28 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

MissesJai posted 6/19/2014 09:13 AM

oh yeah, I'd be hella pissed off too!

Help me understand please
what do you need help understanding?

dana47 posted 6/19/2014 14:04 PM

Good that you have been honest with hubby. AP should have not done this. I think you handled it well. Next time think of taking the dog somewhere else.

floridaredman posted 6/19/2014 14:26 PM

Best way to handle that situation?

Become deaf..mute and blind

Don't speak to him

Don't listen to him

Act like you don't see him

He's trying to groom you back into the affair.

I bet you are thinking about what he said.

"He misses the kids"

" He misses the friendship"

" He misses you guys"

That's affair re-kindling 101

You still aren't over him either. Anger masks other feelings;
Hurt, embarrassment, shame, betrayal.

Next time,if there is one, act like he's the invisible man

Your BH is rightly engaged him and even hugged him...I would be upset too.

lostintrans posted 6/19/2014 21:43 PM

Thank you all for your responses.
I definitely did not have a plan but I have no problem telling him to fuck off if needed should this happen again. I am not a person that typically makes a scene and I defaulted to my polite , quiet manner. I did feel very violated when he pressed the hug. I wrote him a letter as soon as I got home (BH hand delivered it to AP; that was not fun) It said "If you see me, turn the other way . Do not talk to me. Pretend you don't see me. Do not contact the kids, do not contact my husband. No contact." AP basically said to BH "We are going to keep running into each other. This is going to keep happening. "

As for needing help to understand...

What I didn't understand was why my BH wanted to spend the night at his sister's house. Why didn't he want to talk about it that night? I know now he wanted me to know that I should have said "Fuck off". I misunderstood the rules of NC. I didn't reach out to him. I tried to get away as fast as I could. In my mind making polite conversation would get me out of there much faster than making a scene. Now I know, I engaged and that was wrong. I should have just got in my car and drove away. He was upset because I didnt know all of that. And he feels that I am not committed to recovery and reconciliation. I thought I was. I feel like I am...
Now I just feel confused and frustrated...

Aubrie posted 6/20/2014 10:05 AM

lostintrans, not only did you engage in conversation, but you encouraged. Even if you don't feel you did. You asked questions that he in turn answered. Ok so, if he asked you something I could *maybe* (not really) see you answering him. Especially if you didn't have a plan and blah, blah, blah. However, by you asking him junk, it prolonged the convo.

And as if that isn't bad enough, you let OM touch you. And you touched him back. That is a knife to your husband. A knife sliding back into an already gushing wound. That hurts. Im struggling with wondering why you are so "confused and hurt" about the way things went down. After Dday, had I talked and hugged AP, I would have received walking papers from QS.

AP should be a nonissue. Make a scene? Getting in the car and driving away in the park would be "making a scene"? Who cares what other people think!? Your responsibility is to protect your husband and his feelings. Sure. Shut the door in douche nozzle's face. Walk off mid-sentence. If he follows you, hit him with a shot of pepper spray. Other people's opinions, AP's opinion should.not.matter. in this situation.

Do you always avoid conflict? How can your husband be sure you will handle the situation correctly should this happen again? How do *you* know you will handle it correctly when you're so worried about making a scene?

lostintrans posted 6/20/2014 10:58 AM

I do always avoid conflict. Its a problem and Im working to fix it.

I wasn't hurt, I was frustrated. BH says we are now back where we started 7 months ago(D Day). He said I basically had another affair with AP when I ran into him.

bionicgal posted 6/20/2014 11:05 AM

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:05 AM, June 20th (Friday)]

Aubrie posted 6/20/2014 11:06 AM

Why/who were you frustrated at?

I can understand why your husband said that. You asked questions and chatted up OM. While *you* may have seen it as the best way to escape an awkward conversation, by asking OM numerous questions, it sent *him* the message you care. You didn't fight to get away. You were passive. By being passive, it told him you wanted to stick around. After all, if you *really* didn't want to talk, you would have bolted. See what I'm saying?

Do you think your husband's statement is inaccurate or insensitive?

lostintrans posted 6/20/2014 14:27 PM

Yes, I totally see what you're saying.
I'm frustrated at the whole situation. Im frustrated that I didn't know what to do and with the way I handled it. Im frustrated that I went for a run with my dog and this asshole showed up and ruined 7 months of work and recovery.
I'm frustrated with myself that I let him do it!

Do you think your husband's statement is inaccurate or insensitive?

Well...I don't think I had another affair. I agree, I engaged in conversation. I should not have done that. I should have screamed for my life when he reached out for a hug. But to call it another affair seems a bit exaggerated to me. I'm very nervous to say that because I don't want to be insensitive but it's how I really feel.

Thank you for your help!

Aubrie posted 6/20/2014 14:40 PM

For the record, I'm not trying to pick on you. Just asking questions and whatnot.

I think it could be a bit of a stretch to say its another A. In my eyes, its broken NC. However, my opinion doesn't matter. Be gentle with your husband. Don't diminish his pain. Hold his hand. Help him navigate this crapstorm. Make a plan in case there is a next time AP approaches. Practice it like you would a fire drill for your home. The more prepared you are, the easier it will be to go into autopilot when dude shows his face.

Chin up. You can do this.

EvolvingSoul posted 6/20/2014 14:58 PM

I should have screamed for my life when he reached out for a hug. But to call it another affair seems a bit exaggerated to me.
I think in a lot of cases it's common for BS to have what seem like over the top reactions to triggers and especially to new hurts. You and he are still pretty early in the process.

Here is an example from my own experience. AP fucked with BS quite a lot behind my back. He was a "friend" of mine who was quite a lot in our (BS and my) lives. Once when BS had surgery AP came along to "support" me during and ostensibly to support BS afterward. When we brought BS home from the procedure, he was still pretty doped up from the anesthesia. We stopped off at the pharmacy on the way home to get the pain meds filled and I left BS in the car with AP. And during that time, AP fucked with BS. "I wonder how EvolvingSoul is going to get her needs met while you're recovering? Don't worry, I'll help take care of her." All kinds of double entendre stuff. BS felt so powerless, all medicated and in pain and just trapped with an abuser, basically.

There's a point to this, I promise.

So, for a long time after D-day, he was very over the top vigilant and self protective when he was in the situation of having waiting in the car for me. For a while, he brought a lug wrench or some other heavy blunt object. He had suspicions of me arranging for AP to sneak up on him in a parking lot situation. It was so hard to deal with that, to accept what seemed to me to be a really outsized response to something I knew was not going to happen (at least as far as me arranging an encounter between him and AP) but eventually I just realized it was response to trauma. He was doing whatever he needed to do to feel as safe as he could under the circumstances. I learned to accomodate him by not getting resentful or snarky when he had what appeared very odd behavior if one did not know the whole story, and by letting him know from a bit of a distance that I was returning and approaching the car. Basically I just made allowances and eventually that behavior diminished.

I think your BS saying you had another affair seems outsized to you but to him it is a way of protecting himself. By phrasing it that way, it gives him the right to feel and act every bit as self protective as he did on your original D-day. I think he is trying to let you know how very much he is hurt by this lapse. Not only because it opens the wound again, but because it demonstrates that you don't quite get it yet.

You are not a lost cause, though, by any means. This was a lapse, just that. It won't be the last misstep on the path to healing but there will be many positive steps forward too. Just keep swimming.

Strength and perseverance to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

floridaredman posted 6/21/2014 16:49 PM

I didnt want to see him. I dont want to see him

Are you going to a place where you both use to frequent?
If so why?

That gives an appearance that you at least expect to see him.

SlowUptake posted 6/21/2014 21:35 PM

One of the many things I struggled with after Dday was accepting that my life had to change in more ways than just not cheating.

I couldn't accept that a lot of innocuous things that I did, the places I went and the people I kept company with, I couldn't do any more.

Not because they triggered my BS, but because it didn't make her feel safe or it sent the wrong message.

Is it reasonable to give up these innocuous activities, places and people?

Depends on whether you want to reconcile or not and what's more important to you.

Joanh posted 6/21/2014 22:48 PM

Everything for your BH is like is was now still, he is still reeling and finding ground.

I live in a small town so we see the AP more than I want to and more than my BH wants too, Infact we live probably what would be 5 city blocks away!

Everytime I see the AP , has allways in a car, I freeze I start to shake and get ill I want to disappear. I can't stand the man being on the same road. And we have to drive by very close to the house every time we leave.

We know we will see him and eventually it won't be in a vehicle. He does not exist, When I am with my BH , he gets tense and we are 19 months out. and Pissed off and it all runs through his head and his heart. He has to relive it. And he gets mad and usually with in that day or 2 Something I do whether I talk or look or move , I am this horrible person he can't stand.

Now we are out a long time, and I have come to understand he has the right to those feelings, even though I didn't actual do anything right now I did. Even though I hate this saying I have changed* I am still that person.

My BH has every right and is justly reacting to a true threat and pain.

So try not to argue or defend, accept his feelings, and find a different way.

There are days I would love to say a big F U to the AP but the fact is I would be blaming him and really , the choice was mine. Hard one to accept as well.

See things from your BH point of view and feelings, my BH was mad at me too the first time I saw the AP , asked me what I did. I said I froze held on to the steering wheel and looked forward, and kept coming home as quick as I could. He thought I should have given him the finger. Truth being I couldn't do anything but hold that wheel for dear life and get home. By the time I had gotten home I had broken into a sweat and was sick to my stomach and had wanted so bad to just hold my BH and make the world go away. And he was mad that I didn't give him the finger. That first time I din't quit understand I had thought I had done *good*. Reality is there probably was no *good *way to handle it.

We also had no plan, had no NC nothing. Just him telling me you cannot talk to him and if we split please don't date him.

So learn and accept , don't try to justify. Just try to understand the pain , hurt, fear your BH is feeling.

sunnyrain posted 6/22/2014 09:19 AM

I misunderstood the rules of NC.

Well, that's apparent. But how hard can understanding it be? I mean, it's two words: NO CONTACT.

Doesn't matter who initiates: NO CONTACT.

Not saying it can't sometimes feel difficult to maintain, but the idea itself is pretty easy to grasp: NO CONTACT.

You must do better if you want to succeed.

lostintrans posted 6/22/2014 20:14 PM

Thank you all so much for your input. I will not be running in this place again and AP is dead to me. I never should have even given him a second look... Im so sorry I did. BH is more distant that ever... ; (

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