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Don't want to lose my power

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neecee posted 6/18/2014 23:17 PM

Today I felt I needed to give my WH some kind of direction. Its been 7 weeks since Dday and he's been out of the house since then. He wants to R is remorseful and is beginning therapy on Tuesday. I am going to IC myself. So anyway my up and down rollercoaster of emotions is confusing for him (as it is for me too) one minute I'm yelling this is never gonna work, the next minute I'm talking about him doing all he can to get me back. So I felt I needed to give him some kind of insight to my thoughts. I think in my heart I want to eventually R.....
once I get past the urge to bludgeon him to death every time I see I wanted to let him know that he had to make some serious changes, seek therapy, work on his relationship with our children, help me heal and really show me why he deserves another chance and to make me see he is worth the fight, our M is worth the fight.
I really did struggle with even telling him this because I felt like I was losing some power and that I was saying almost like it was "ok" that he cheated. Does anyone else feel this way? I felt like I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I would be willing to R. Great, more shitty feelings for me to deal with in this mess of a life he's made.

RomanticInnocenc posted 6/19/2014 01:31 AM

Your feelings are completely normal. I think, at the heart of it, what you are struggling with is being vulnerable with your WH. That's to be expected. I knew I wanted my marriage on dday, not so much on dday 2 but I was willing to wait and see. I still struggle to say I love you, things like that. But when it comes to my needs, I see it as MORE powerful to state, nay, DEMAND, that if he wants me, this is what he needs to do. You aren't giving away your power, you are allowing a possibility for your marriage to eventually R. That doesn't mean you won't or can't change your mind. You ALWAYS have the power to walk away from your WH.

IMHO if there is to be a hope of R some of the bricks need to be removed from the wall you have built around you because of his affair. It can be one tiny one at a time and there will be times when all the bricks fly back into place and it all has to start again. If you are interested in vulnerability search for Brene Brown on YouTube. I have found her to be very good!

sunvalley posted 6/19/2014 01:51 AM

The realization of an A or multiple As in my case is the realization that you have no power or control over your life, that someone else took it into their hands to mess everything up and that someone was the person you trusted most in the world. It's natural to want to try to preserve some sense of control. It's natural to feel like R is almost 'allowing' what they've done. I am 11m into R and it doesn't feel that way anymore. There is no way, no how I will ever tolerate going through this again, but he is remorseful and transparent as well as committed to IC and MC - the boundaries are up, the damage is done and there are no second chances to put me through this hell again...the first time around he was clueless to the impact of his actions. Yes he knew I would be hurt, but he downplayed the effects this would have. He has seen that pain now, he has seen that hurt and there will be no reason to tell me he screwed up again without realizing just how much he is hurting me. If/when you're ready to R be clear about what you are feeling and what you are going through. Yes, the rollercoaster is confusing, but you will be on it for a while and he needs to be patient and understanding in that time. Perhaps telling him about how letting him back into your life feels for you will help make it clear to him that you will not accept this kind of behavior or tolerate him ever doing it again. You are still very early into your grieving process, the rollercoaster will continue but you will get stronger and grow. Even in R you will go through ups and downs and question yourself, it happens. Be good to yourself, focus on your needs and if R is in the picture for you, it will eventually feel less like handing over power and more like rebuilding trust and love. Best wishes.

TheIrishGirl posted 6/19/2014 03:43 AM

Here's the thing about power though- if you do manage to find your way to R, the power has to even out. You can't have a relationship with one partner holding all the power.

So yes, DDay shifted all the power to you. Offering R means you're ready to shift it back towards balance. It's not saying what WS did was okay. It's saying you still see a glimmer of hope. It's saying WS just may be a good person who made bad choices.

You still get to set your boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate in your M. One of those is probably a recurrence of infidelity. I know that's one of mine- I will try to R, and I will try to live with the knowledge of what he's done. But there is a chance that I can't. And, if he does it again, I will have no guilt or regret in choosing to leave at that point.

sisoon posted 6/19/2014 10:02 AM

I think T.I.G nails part of it. Another side is that being honest is being powerful.

As I read your post, you told your H what you need to experience from him before you commit to R. IMO, that's the best way to get what you want from him. After all, he can't read your mind.

And you're saying, show me you're worth fighting for, then I'll decide what I want. You make a promise of a sort - to decide - but that doesn't mean you'll decide the way he wants you to.

I don't see any weakness there at all. JMO, of course.

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