But I'm codependent. It's not supposed to work like that.
Anyway FWW is in counseling and back on ADs but she's still more needy in her healing. It's hard for me to bring up a sensitive subject without her hating herself...which makes me feel like crap.
It's also manipulative.
With his betrayal come consequences and now he is feeling the full force of what he has done.
I would not show him pity just let him know you love him.
He did rip your heart out and stomp on it, he should feel bad about that and ask you every what he can do to help you heal.
You are very right to focus on your own healing. He needs to man up and do the same. A shame-filled WS is not a safe WS.
Try getting him to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Afair". Your needs matter and his inability to see beyond his own suffering over being such a dick (boohoo) is bullshit and, again, not actual remorse.
Wrap yourself in the knowledge of who you are, what you will allow, but also, what you keep for yourself. It's a lifeboat situation, and if it is a choice at the crux of survival and healing between yourself and the uncomfortable demands of WS, then compassionately dump them from the life raft. They will either sink or swim, and if they swim, they will be the better for it.