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He why is HE so angry?

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goingthru posted 6/19/2014 06:05 AM

I'm more than 1 year out from D-day with a nonremorseful, angry WH. I've been working the 180 and feeling much better about life ever since. His affair happened during a separation where we both agreed not to see other people and continued after reconciliation (at least emotionally, possibly physically.

Last night, WH finally asked to talk. I sat down, and he apologized for hurting me, which was huge (he is not one to apologize). He STILL maintains that he is NOT sorry that the A happened and that the OW was very good to him, but he did say that he's sorry for hurting me, which is something.

I thanked him, said the apology meant a lot, though I admitted that I was sad that he doesn't regret the A. I told him I still felt deeply hurt/betrayed (and like plan B), and I said that I'd like to get past these feelings and would appreciate his help with that if he was able. His demeanor visibly changed, he became closed off, and told me that I had made him miserable during our 20-year partnership. He told me the OW understood him and gave him what he needed (he only came home because she dumped him, BTW). He then told me that he is very angry (at me) and that he feels that all I ever want to talk about his my feelings and that I"m essentially selfish and self-centered.

It was a bizarre moment for me, and what I thought was a positive moment turned into a real slap in the face. First he apologizes (after a year), then he gets angry at me. I realize marriage is hard, and I know he wasn't happy when he met the OW, but I've done my best and given my all to this man. I left a career to stay at home with our two kids, and I've taken care of his every need and made HIM the focus of my entire adult life. Hearing that I make him miserable AND that he doesn't want me to talk about the A leads me to believe that the relationship is over and perhaps that it was all an illusion. For the first time in 20 years, I have no respect for him and I want to leave him.

Am I being selfish? How can I respect his anger and help him process it when I'm still so angry about the A (and his crappy attitude)? He's the one who left me for another woman, and he's the one who continued the A after he came home, and now he wants to focus on his anger? I suggested that he see a counselor to seek help, which pissed him off even more.

mozzchops posted 6/19/2014 06:12 AM

How can the OW be good to him when she (50% her) did this to him and his family?

I'm sorry but in my world that is not a good person.

rachelc posted 6/19/2014 06:32 AM

He's got a long way to go... He is refusing counseling, he still pines for OW and insults you.
What are your reasons for staying?
His anger is misplaced and you don't have to "respect it" something is very wrong....

lilacs40 posted 6/19/2014 06:45 AM

I don't think you're being selfish and I think you are right to feel like plan B.

If the agreement was to not see other people and he did it was a betrayal even though you were separated. It sounds as if he would like you to just forget it ever happened.

It's okay if you're not ready to proceed with D. But I would continue as if that is what the outcome will be. He clearly doesn't get it and its likely he never will. If you made him so miserable (not that it would justify his behavior and not that I think you did) why would he want to come back?

Sorry you're hurting.

bionicgal posted 6/19/2014 06:47 AM

Well, people have affairs because they are having problems dealing with things and need an escape. Your H is angry, and he may or may not rightfully be angry at you. It was hard for me to hear after dday some of the resentment that my H had against me, but it was legitimate, and had to be dealt with. However, it was not license to cheat. It would get mixed up in our conversations, as well. However, my H was always really clear that there was no excuse for what he did.

It does sound like your husband has issues and needs counseling. I can't imagine trying to reconcile with an angry spouse - this is too damn hard in the first place. He is still in the fog over this OW who "got away" it sounds like. So, he needs some perspective, and needs to be open to healing from this.

Neverwudaguessed posted 6/19/2014 07:02 AM

I am so sorry that after a year he is just getting around to apologizing for the hurt that he caused you. I cannot imagine dealing with the hurt on my own for all of that time without hearing thais from him. Has he refused counseling? What has made the two of you agree to stay together? Because he no longer had the opportunity to stay in the affair?

OF course he felt like she undertook him and was "good" to him. We all know that the affair is not real life and cannot stand the test of real life when given the chance. Unfortunately, his has not gotten help so that HE can come to understand that. It sounds like IC would benefit him tremendously, however, if he is unwilling, you can only continue to work through this on your own in your own IC. Maybe this will be the shift in dynamics that your relationship needs anyway. It sounds as if your entire focus was on him, and that you may have lost some of yourself in the process. If your marriage cannot tolerate such a shift, then maybe it is not healthy enough for you to stay in at this point anyway. In the meantime, seeing your focus move away from him may cause him to think about things too, and realize what he has done. Maybe not, but at leaf you will be gaining strength and emerge stronger no matter what happens in the end.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

deena04 posted 6/19/2014 08:25 AM

He could be angry with HIMSELF for doing this. Guilt and an overall bad feeling lead to messed up feelings and projecting it on others.

hopefulmother posted 6/19/2014 08:45 AM

So sorry, he doesn't sound like a typical WS in a fog. He is doing the typical blame shifting though. You may not like to hear this, but dump his ass just like the OW. (I only say this because it has been a year and he is still pining for OW) If he isn't good enough for pond scum then he isn't good enough for you. Just curious as to why this OW dumped him?

How do you even still love this man?

Have you read any books? How to help your spouse heal is a great way to validate how you are feeling and what is and isn't acceptable for a wayward spouse to behave like.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 8:50 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]

Snapdragon posted 6/19/2014 08:54 AM

I know that one issue my (now)ex had (in the aftermath of me discovering all he did) was that he no longer felt he had the upper hand in our relationship. He was "less than" and that I had moral superiority. He hated the feeling that I was "better" than him. He felt it displaced his power and the last thing he ever wanted to be was subservient! Yeah, he had issues. He wasn't interested in an equal partnership. Adding to that was the fact that his AP was a stripper half his age. That really made him look like an idiot. His buddies didn't think he was a stud. They thought he was a fool. So, add shame and embarrassment to the mix.

At that point all he could do was vilify me and turn hateful. He was very angry that he had screwed up a wonderful homelife with a wife he could be proud to have. He was inherently a selfish man. So the work required to regain my trust and regain respect was far more than he was willing to do. Again, that would have put him in a less powerful position and that concept was intolerable.

Sometimes they aren't so much unremorseful as they are unwilling to surrender, humble themselves, and put the needs of someone else before their own. If they are remorseful that is admitting they are wrong, flawed, and have poor judgement. That's a lot for a selfish, egotistical person to handle.

Just my 2 cents. Please don't feel that YOU are the selfish one here just because, after 20 years, you would finally like to focus on yourself. It sounds to me like you are getting healthy!

seethelight posted 6/19/2014 08:56 AM

A leads me to believe that the relationship is over and perhaps that it was all an illusion. For the first time in 20 years, I have no respect for him and I want to leave him.

The OW likely dumped him because she could see he was likely even more selfish and self-absorbed than she was, and not good marriage material.

I see that he is blameshifting and rewriting marital history.

Who doesn't have some complaints in any relationship.

If you have financial reasons or children that are preventing you from filing divorce, that is okay, IMO.

But, get your ducks in a row to be ready to leave him.

See an attorney keep an eye on the accounts because my wayward started hiding money and had secret accounts and credit cards.

Can you ask for another separation? If so, you can freeze the bank accounts so he can not start hiding money.

Also, you can hire a forensic accountant to find hidden money, and if he is hiding money this will get you more alimony or a bigger settlement in divorce court.

Hiding marital assets is a type of theft by deception.

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