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blakesteele posted 6/19/2014 09:00 AM

When my wife and I agreed to get married we had a dream. We dreamed we could do M better than our parents, and do it "till death do us part". We knew it would not be "happily ever after" but had no real clue what rough times could be like.

Our "dream" was to NOT have a marriage like our parents....but we didn't really have a clue what that looked like. Therapist said we had a "marriage by default".....didn't know exactly what we wanted, but knew what we didn't....didn't want our parents M.

Funny thing about dreams.....dreams without a plan are just a wish.

We thought we had a plan...who doesnt think they have a plan when they wed? My wife planned to never fight. I enjoyed "not fighting". I planned to never be in debt. Wife enjoyed "financial freedoms". 15 years of marriage saw very little fighting and us climb out of debt and become debt free.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

What we didn't realize is that this was an grossly incomplete plan...pretty one dimensional. No plans in place to grow our marital crop to harvest days....more like controlling the weeds but not visualizing the harvest. KWIM?

We also didn't realize that our "other choices", while different then our parents, were in the same vane. Cycles repeated....

Our choices were actually quite consistent with our parents in that....

--high value placed on independence.
--false intimacies were acceptable and agreed to.
--walls were in place to protect ourselves from each other.
--resentment was woven into our marital fabric

What I have uncovered is that the pain my parents experienced in their FOO was carried into THEIR M and was passed down to us. Its like we recognized step "A" was unhealthy so we took step "A1" instead.....similar choice, but looked oh so much healthier.

Result?

We found ourselves in a similar spot as our parents. Adultery and addiction were a part of our history. Our M is in jeopardy. Our children have been wounded. We failed to do M differently up to this point.

IC, prayer, reading and a committment to forming and implementing a plan is something new to our families. A "live and let live" attitude was more or less our "plan". If either of us desired more we either denied we felt that way or if we did find a little courage to examine it with the other....the other would discount that effort and back in our ruts we would go.

This work IS putting together a plan to do M differently. Humbling to admit my role in repeating a family cycle....for keeping us in familiar, traditional ruts.

We ARE visualizing what a healthy M looks like....which starts with a vision for what we as individuals look like as healthy people.

A mistake we both made back in our childhoods was pretending we were healthy, that we did not experience pain and abuse, that we were just fine. We continued to make this mistake as we compared ourselves to our parents...

Our choice to do so limited our M....bonding, intimacy, committment all suffered as a result of our choices. Conscious or subconcious...we were choosing how to do M. We did the best we could...but it was on par with how our parents did M.

Dreams are GREAT! Nothing wrong with wishing either. But, at 2 years in, the only real change I have experienced has come about from intentional work and being radically honest with myself. Starts with a dream....but is far more rigorous than just dreaming.

Had it not been for reaching out (fellowship, books, prayers, and IC) I don't see how I could have pulled out of the ruts that felt comfortable to me.

Ruts are nothing more than graves with the ends kicked out.

Tired now.

Post was about me organizing me.

Thanks for reading.

Peace.

blakesteele posted 6/19/2014 09:20 AM

I have and do pray for miracles in my M....I do believe they are possible. But I also believe we have free will and are expected to use it.

We have today to do differently. Sometimes "doing differently" is not doing anything at all. Its part of how to break CoD cycles...and has been pretty challenging for me. Sometimes "doing differently" is super intense and multi-stepped.

Appears to me that "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" is never attainable in a healthy marriage, healthy life....should never have been a goal or a thought in my head.

But it was.

Perhaps this is why new pains I feel are not as debilitating as they were 2 years ago? 2 years ago I thought their WAS a "finish line" we were running towards. I now see this as a journey that does not end until we are called home.

New pains are new opportunities to step out and into the next part of a plan. A plan that helps me fill out the vision I have for my life. To put to test what I think is a healthy new-to-me choice. See if it IS a healthy new choice.

And if it is not....provided it did not kill me ....I have another choice to make and examine the results of that choice.

A good friend of mine is struggling to break free from his sexual sin as I write this. He is being honest with me regarding his struggles. I know his struggles personally....I know he can break free from it because I have. I know he needs to fill out his plan more completely then he has. I know he wants to and is visiting with me on what that looks like.

I guess between that and my response to my recent DD I am examining how change occurs.

Change...

1. I didn't even know change needed to occur 2 years ago.
2. Once I did realize it, I didn't think it could occur.
3. Then I reached outside of myself and saw how change COULD occur, but thought it impossible for me.
4. Then I tried it. Changing hurts!!!!
5. Then I felt change. Change feels good!!!!

Seems like I spent my life trying to keep change from happening.

As I look at pre-A M, pre-A blakesteele.....I almost feel foolish for fighting for that and for him like I did.

wow....first time I wrote that down.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:22 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]

Morhurt posted 6/19/2014 09:42 AM

Your first post spoke to me so much. No fighting was my primary objective. Second was working as a team. I had no clue what else to even hope for so I thought things were great. When I look back I see the loneliness and fear I held.

blakesteele posted 6/19/2014 10:03 AM

. When I look back I see the loneliness and fear I held.

God bless you Mohurt.

Isolation and fear.

Two feelings that influenced me since they established themselves in me at age 12.

My denying their existence in me did not change the fact that they influenced me.

Isolation and fear are still a part of me. Felt them strongly again two weeks ago when a third DD occurred.

Change was that I smiled at them!!! I wasn't happy with this new pain, new realization where my relationship with my wife is at. It was more of a "yes, I know this feeling....I see you hiding over there. Not gonna let you dictate my next choice. I'll use you as God intended me to. I will use you to recognize danger is present, pain is here. But I will seek out all of my choices and not react as a result of you alone."

Porn was not a thought in my head! Porn is what I would use in the past when "isolation" was felt. It kept the pain that you posted about at a "manageable" level.

Tired of managing pain. I am choosing to heal it. It's why my recent DD hurts so bad. I can't heal from pain that continues....no one can.

God is good.

bionicgal posted 6/19/2014 10:52 AM

Oh wow, Blakesteele - this really resonanted with me:

Our choices were actually quite consistent with our parents in that....

--high value placed on independence.
--false intimacies were acceptable and agreed to.
--walls were in place to protect ourselves from each other.
--resentment was woven into our marital fabric

So yes, we weren't alcoholics, but yep -- did all the other stuff. We liked each other, and rarely fought. Not a bad team, but the distance got wider and wider between us.

In MC yesterday the counselor was talking about what a healthy marriage looks like. That we should have conflict -- we should butt heads if we are both being authentic. I used to be scared to death if we fought. Now, I see the increased intimacy after we fight. I never got "make up sex." I do now!

Thanks for this.

blakesteele posted 6/19/2014 11:12 AM

Your welcome Bionicgal.

Gonna pick up "conflict resolution" Retrouvaille post session this weekend. Had to miss it due to a scheduling conflict before! 😃😃😃😃

I need help in this yet today......feels good to realize that and have an opportunity to work on it!

Peace, my friend.

blakesteele posted 6/19/2014 11:29 AM

Read a book on marital intimacy. It boldly stated that often marriages that struggle with intimacy are struggling because of fears of real intimacy in both spouses.

Yeah, kind of a no brainer. But at the time I read it I thought I was an oh so caring, open, attentive husband. And I was to the best of my abilities.

Now.....1.5 years later I see how I was just as much a blocker as my wife was.

I guess it's possible that one spouse is healthy and embraces healthy choices that nurture and build intimacy. But that's not our sitch. We were both quite comfortable with our respective brokenness surrounding intimacy.

No more.

We may not be where we want to be, but thank God we aren't where we were!!!

Peace

blakesteele posted 6/19/2014 11:31 AM

I never got "make up sex." I do now!

Yep.