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Allisonangel posted 6/19/2014 09:45 AM

Hi. Brand new here. You may need more details to answer this question but here it goes: Husband and I separated a month ago. Out of the blue to me...I knew there was distance between us for 6 months or so but I thought it was normal, "we'll just stressed right now" kind of distance. We've been together 18 years. He told our counselor and me that he had no real desire to work on the marriage. He thought separation was the only answer but that he would continue to go to counseling to help facilitate divorce for our 12 year old daughter. Found about the affair last week. I am desperate to save our family. I can get past the affair. I know I can. I know he is living in a complete fantasy land. He has even convinced himself that our divorce will not really bother our daughter because she is so easy going. I feel other wise. I feel it will rock her world and obliterate any safe, stable feelings she has. He did tell me a week before I found out about the affair that he "could maybe see a future for us together" but that right now he doesn't want to work on the marriage. I moved out 2 days after I found out about the affair. I told him the night before I wanted him to stop calling/seeing his girlfriend and he told me he was not willing to do that. I moved out the next day without telling him. We see each other every day. We work together. OUr daughter has no idea about any of this, she has been spending the summer with her grandparents.

My question is, if someone is having an affair and wants a divorce, do they EVER change their mind? Is it just over and we're done or he may come back down to this planet, start thinking rationally and there is a chance for reconciliation? than you for any insight.

MJane posted 6/19/2014 09:53 AM

Hi there - so sorry you had to join SI and wanted to say you are among friends and am sure someone with more directly relevant experience to yours will comment. What i can say is that my H, unknown to me, was having an affair for 19 months - in that time I sensed we had grown apart and attributed it to the wrong things - he had work problems, new baby in our lives, past of difficult losses and treatment to get pregnant. In that time I made a lot of efforts to address what was wrong in our M and really pushed the boat out trying to save our M but it had zero impact - until my H was ready in his mind to make the effort and the A was out in the open and he chose our marriage over the OW we stood no chance to work towards R. It isn't easy now and there is a lot of pain but one thing I've learned from this horrid experience is we can't control our spouses emotions - we can just set our own boundaries and try to understand what we need and what we can live with. If he doesn't see what he is losing and is in the "fog" of the A you'll need to decided how best to protect yourself and daughter - great materials in the Healing library on that front. Unfortunately there is no button that can be pressed to make him see what he has and risks losing....and he may come to that decision himself in some time only once the fantasy bubble of the A bursts...I wish you much strength