I have been here since August, I have been to scared to post so I am going to just start by making a general post just so I can try to start.
My boyfriend and I met when I was 14 and he was 27.
We started dating when I was 15 and he was 28.
He was my first everything and I was so stupidly in love with him.
He was my best friend and everything.
For the first year it was rocky because it was constantly "We should break up until you're 18". We would be broken up for a week and then suddenly we were back at it.
I cheated on him once about half a year into our relationship with a really good friend of mine who was "in love" with me.
Besides my boyfriend, he was the first person to ever show an interest in me ever.
Then about a year after that, I cheated on him with the "popular" boy in my school.
Then fast forward, September of 2010. Almost two years together (November 25th, 2008 was the day we started dating). My mom dies, two weeks after that, he tells me that he's moving to California. My grandparents (they were the ones raising me since birth) get incredibly ill. In and out of the hospital all the time. I feel like my entire life is in shambles, aside from him, and I am only 17 years old.
As he is getting ready to move to California, my world is crashing around and he's just focusing on California.
Beginning of 2011, school is difficult because I am taking care of my grandparents on my own while my drug addict brother is living at home. Boyfriend is trying to clean his mom's entire house before he moves (she owned like literally 70 cats). I am trying to do everything I can to make sure everything is okay. I am leaving school early to tend to my grandparents, who needed 24/7 care. My uncle (who was also living with us and basically only drove my grandparents everywhere) went into the hospital on the first of the year and almost died. And now, I am really on my own.
I felt like the entire time that I was so alone.
I saw him a lot and tried really hard to be a good girlfriend.
But it was too much.
My uncle was in the hospital for a whole month, the day he got out of the hospital I was struck by a truck (biking to boyfriend's house none the less).
I missed even more school and was in horrible pain but still taking care of my incredibly elderly grandparents.
At the end of February he moved. The day after his 32nd birthday.
36 hours after he had been gone, I get a call from the hospital that my grandpa, my dad practically, was going to die.
I called my boyfriend and asked him to come home, in that questioned I bought him a plane ticket and told him that I would pay his rent until he went back. (Oh yeah, the entire time together he never had a job and went to California to live his "dream" because he went to school for film and television)
He said no.
I dropped 900 dollars on a plane ticket for him to come home and he said no.
2 weeks later, my grandpa's condition declined even more. The doctors didn't even know why he was alive still. (he was holding on to see his brother and sister who lived in California.)
I asked him to come home again and bought him another plane ticket.
He said no.
I cheated on him with my best friend's boyfriend.
2 weeks later, my grandpa died.
I called him the morning I found out and he fell asleep on me.
I didn't hear from him the rest of the day. Not until 11pm.
I found out my grandpa died at 9am.
I was alone all day.
After that my best friend told my boyfriend I cheated on him.
I lost it. I lied about being raped, I made up stories and just went fucking crazy.
He found out in April, he didn't come home until December. I wasn't with anyone else.
When he came home, we fought non stop. He turned physically violent. It was horrible for both of us. It was nothing but fighting or sex.
He stayed until the end of January and went back to California.
He came back in April, no cheating.
Again, all fighting all the time.
He left again in August and I lost it completely.
I turned to drinking and drugs.
I started "dating" a long term friend of mine. I never "cheated" physically. I just dated the guy.
Then when I started working at Sear's, I was heavily drinking and using drugs and I met someone who aided to the lifestyle of drinking and drugs.
One night, I was plastered and he had sex with me.
I didn't tell my boyfriend and then I just kinda grew attached to him for the drugs and alcohol and I lost it.
He came back in December and asked to be with me and said he would drop everything about the cheating if I would just be with him.
He then started dating one of my old best friends and had sex.
He went back to California and we stopped talking.
Then last year in August he came back, I showed up at the door and said, let's try again.
Since then we've been together and it's nothing but fighting and hate and anger.
He says I never told him why I cheated on him....honestly... I don't know why I cheated.
We just recently broke up again, he moved out of my apartment and it's still fighting.
He comes over here and there and have sex with me and then gets mad and leaves. rinse and repeat.
I want to fix this, and I've been trying.
Some other things, I was sexually and physically abused by family members from ages 5 to 15. I took care of my grandparents from 15 to 17.
Um, I've gone through 8 deaths of close family from 15 to 19.
I can't talk to him about the cheating, I have such a hard time with it. I make up stories and I lied and say stupid things and I don't know what the fuck I am doing.
I am in love with him and I do want to fix this.
Please someone help.
[This message edited by flowerisland at 10:40 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]