"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

flowerisland posted 6/19/2014 10:36 AM

I have been here since August, I have been to scared to post so I am going to just start by making a general post just so I can try to start.

My boyfriend and I met when I was 14 and he was 27.
We started dating when I was 15 and he was 28.
He was my first everything and I was so stupidly in love with him.
He was my best friend and everything.
For the first year it was rocky because it was constantly "We should break up until you're 18". We would be broken up for a week and then suddenly we were back at it.

I cheated on him once about half a year into our relationship with a really good friend of mine who was "in love" with me.
Besides my boyfriend, he was the first person to ever show an interest in me ever.

Then about a year after that, I cheated on him with the "popular" boy in my school.

Then fast forward, September of 2010. Almost two years together (November 25th, 2008 was the day we started dating). My mom dies, two weeks after that, he tells me that he's moving to California. My grandparents (they were the ones raising me since birth) get incredibly ill. In and out of the hospital all the time. I feel like my entire life is in shambles, aside from him, and I am only 17 years old.

As he is getting ready to move to California, my world is crashing around and he's just focusing on California.

Beginning of 2011, school is difficult because I am taking care of my grandparents on my own while my drug addict brother is living at home. Boyfriend is trying to clean his mom's entire house before he moves (she owned like literally 70 cats). I am trying to do everything I can to make sure everything is okay. I am leaving school early to tend to my grandparents, who needed 24/7 care. My uncle (who was also living with us and basically only drove my grandparents everywhere) went into the hospital on the first of the year and almost died. And now, I am really on my own.
I felt like the entire time that I was so alone.
I saw him a lot and tried really hard to be a good girlfriend.
But it was too much.

My uncle was in the hospital for a whole month, the day he got out of the hospital I was struck by a truck (biking to boyfriend's house none the less).
I missed even more school and was in horrible pain but still taking care of my incredibly elderly grandparents.
At the end of February he moved. The day after his 32nd birthday.

36 hours after he had been gone, I get a call from the hospital that my grandpa, my dad practically, was going to die.

I called my boyfriend and asked him to come home, in that questioned I bought him a plane ticket and told him that I would pay his rent until he went back. (Oh yeah, the entire time together he never had a job and went to California to live his "dream" because he went to school for film and television)

He said no.
I dropped 900 dollars on a plane ticket for him to come home and he said no.

2 weeks later, my grandpa's condition declined even more. The doctors didn't even know why he was alive still. (he was holding on to see his brother and sister who lived in California.)

I asked him to come home again and bought him another plane ticket.
He said no.

I cheated on him with my best friend's boyfriend.

2 weeks later, my grandpa died.
I called him the morning I found out and he fell asleep on me.
I didn't hear from him the rest of the day. Not until 11pm.
I found out my grandpa died at 9am.

I was alone all day.

After that my best friend told my boyfriend I cheated on him.

I lost it. I lied about being raped, I made up stories and just went fucking crazy.

He found out in April, he didn't come home until December. I wasn't with anyone else.

When he came home, we fought non stop. He turned physically violent. It was horrible for both of us. It was nothing but fighting or sex.

He stayed until the end of January and went back to California.

He came back in April, no cheating.

Again, all fighting all the time.

He left again in August and I lost it completely.
I turned to drinking and drugs.

I started "dating" a long term friend of mine. I never "cheated" physically. I just dated the guy.

Then when I started working at Sear's, I was heavily drinking and using drugs and I met someone who aided to the lifestyle of drinking and drugs.

One night, I was plastered and he had sex with me.

I didn't tell my boyfriend and then I just kinda grew attached to him for the drugs and alcohol and I lost it.

He came back in December and asked to be with me and said he would drop everything about the cheating if I would just be with him.
He then started dating one of my old best friends and had sex.
He went back to California and we stopped talking.

Then last year in August he came back, I showed up at the door and said, let's try again.

Since then we've been together and it's nothing but fighting and hate and anger.

He says I never told him why I cheated on him....honestly... I don't know why I cheated.

We just recently broke up again, he moved out of my apartment and it's still fighting.
He comes over here and there and have sex with me and then gets mad and leaves. rinse and repeat.

I want to fix this, and I've been trying.

Some other things, I was sexually and physically abused by family members from ages 5 to 15. I took care of my grandparents from 15 to 17.
Um, I've gone through 8 deaths of close family from 15 to 19.

I can't talk to him about the cheating, I have such a hard time with it. I make up stories and I lied and say stupid things and I don't know what the fuck I am doing.

I am in love with him and I do want to fix this.

Please someone help.

[This message edited by flowerisland at 10:40 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]

bionicgal posted 6/19/2014 10:47 AM

I don't think you are going to like this, but if I were you I'd put all relationships on hold and go into some serious counseling, and focus on you.

You have such a pattern of dysfunctional relationships, and starting at such an early age (15 and 28? That is shocking in itself) that I think you need to disengage from this man and work on getting healthy, and growing up. When you are 28, I think you will look back on 15 year olds and think, "What the heck was he thinking?"

I am sure this is not what you want to hear, but I am telling you what I would tell my own daughter. I see absolutely nothing positive in what you have described.

flowerisland posted 6/19/2014 10:52 AM

Well, I am trying to go to therapy. I know I need it. I have a lot of issues that I want to fix because being 20 years old. On my own, no family what so ever, and holding on every day to what HE thinks of me and only what he thinks of me.

I feel like every day I sacrifice myself so I can fix this relationship.

I want to fix it. I want to him to stay in love with me.

I am so lost and confused.

But I don't think the age difference is much of a problem...

SandAway posted 6/19/2014 11:04 AM

flowergirl, I first want to say I am so sorry for what you have been through these last few years. I also want to say welcome to SI, you will get some amazing advice from some amazing people.

I have to agree with bionicgal, You need to detach from your BF (who also cheated on you and has MAJOR issues of his own) Get into individual counseling (IC) and work on yourself.

You have experienced way to much life for a 20 yr old. Sexual abuse, 8 deaths, drug abuse, physical and verbal abuse. That is way beyond comprehensible. It HAS affected you.

Do you like who you are?

But I don't think the age difference is much of a problem...

Even when it started when you were 14 & he was 27? You were still a child.

Have you looked into codependency?

[This message edited by SandAway at 11:04 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]

Lovedyoumore posted 6/19/2014 11:25 AM

You are better than this. You cannot see it right now because you are living in it, but you deserve more. You have had some horrible things in your life that you already define as abusive. Kindly, your relationship with this man was born in abuse. You were either groomed into being with a 27 year old at age 14, or you were desperate for love. Either way, this man, sexually abused you. I do not know of any state or social service that does not recognize this as rape. You need to separate yourself from this man. He is not your savior. He will cause you pain all of your life and keep you in a state of arrested development. Go to your local YWCA and ask for counseling for sexual abuse as well as physical abuse. They will help you make a break. You need to find your voice independent of your abuser.

flowerisland posted 6/19/2014 11:29 AM

I have always been very co-dependent. I have a lot of abandonment issues due to my mom and dad leaving me.

I hate everything I am. Everything.
I've attempted suicide multiple times and I have been diagnosed with depression and bipolar.

My mother and father are both diagnosed with schizophrenia.

When I tell him my issues and things that I think have to do with cheating he tells me it's all bullshit and that "the only reason I would cheat on him is because I thought they were better than him and I wanted them physically"

And comparatively.....they are NOT even close to him, physically or mentally.

nowiknow23 posted 6/19/2014 11:34 AM

Welcome to SI, flowerisland. Your posting is a great first step. What jumps out at me immediately -

I was sexually and physically abused by family members from ages 5 to 15.

My boyfriend and I met when I was 14 and he was 27.
We started dating when I was 15 and he was 28.

If I'm reading this correctly, you met him while you were a child and while you were being abused, and the abuse ended at roughly the same time you started "dating" him. Correct?

When you start therapy (and please PLEASE make this a priority for yourself), look for someone who has experience with childhood sexual abuse. I strongly advise you to address the massive traumas of your childhood before you even begin to look at your relationship with this man. That relationship cannot be examined or understood without first doing the work on the abuse you suffered.

Please keep posting. We are here for you.

SandAway posted 6/19/2014 11:40 AM

Why can't you let him go? What is so special about him?

The sex?

You said all you two do is fight (verbally AND physically) and have sex.

That isn't love.
That isn't special.
That isn't a relationship.

Again, what is so special about him?

flowerisland posted 6/19/2014 11:42 AM

I feel like he gets such a negative standing because of his age, and I want to defend him and everything but not step on any toes.

For the first part of our relationship, he was incredibly loving and warm and gentle.

I went after him and turned it sexual.

The abuse happened a few more times into our relationship but then stopped because I was around him 24/7.

I tell him that I need to go to therapy and everything and his first response is "You need therapy to tell me why you cheated?"

Also, the girl he was with while we were broken up in December was a 17 year old.....

He too has suffered sexual abuse and absence of family.

flowerisland posted 6/19/2014 11:46 AM

What is special is that for the first two years, we were incredibly in love and he was my best friend. We shared everything and anything with each other.
He understood me better than anyone I had ever met, there weren't a lot of people....if any at all, that were taking care of elderly grandparents at 15 and going through what I went through.
He was there by my side every moment of every day.

Not to toot my own horn but I was at the age of 14 incredibly intelligent. I have an IQ close to 200 and have been in gifted and accepted into MENSA.

He could relate to my intelligence and tickle my brain and I could do the same for him.

I love his touch and his love. He is a beautiful man and soul.

lieshurt posted 6/19/2014 12:25 PM

I was sexually and physically abused by family members from ages 5 to 15

All you did is replace one abuser for another when you hooked up with your BF. He was an adult. You were a child. You sought him out because his treatment of you was what you were used to. You grew up being abused, so you see nothing wrong with how your BF treats you.

I am in love with him

I must disagree with this. You think you are in love based on the dysfunctional idea of what you believe love is. However, what you feel isn't love at all. You've found commonality with a fellow who's just as or more dysfunctional than you are. That's why you feel he understands you. That is your bond and you find comfort in it. You are so desperate to hang onto him because you do not want to let go of that comfort no matter how self destructive it is.

badchoice posted 6/19/2014 20:15 PM

I hate to pile on but I agree with lies hurt;

You think you are in love based on the dysfunctional idea of what you believe love is.

Also;

Also, the girl he was with while we were broken up in December was a 17 year old.....

I can't keep track of the math, but he is 10+ years older (is he 33 now) than this girl too? I think there is a huge red flag waving right here.

I suggest you seek out IC and find a CoDA meeting you can attend and get some help.

painfulpast posted 6/20/2014 06:35 AM

I tell him that I need to go to therapy and everything and his first response is "You need therapy to tell me why you cheated?"

This 'man' isn't concerned about you. He's selfish and clearly immature. This statement says he's not concerned for you, your pain, your mental health, etc. He knows all you've been through, and yet his only concern is 'why you cheated'. That isn't love, at all.

No offense, but if at 28 he found a 15 year old 'on his level', and now turns to a 17 year old to cheat, he isn't comfortable with people his own age. He's immature, and honestly sounds a little sick. Your IQ has nothing to do with your level of maturity. A 28 year old man, in almost every case, would tire of being around a 15 year old nearly immediately, and at 33, why is he hanging around 17 year olds to the point that he's having sex with them.

I know you see this as the only 'normal' relationship you've had, but there is nothing normal about this relationship. This 'man' is sick, and is a loser to boot. No job ever, and he's in his 30s? And he's cruel to you?

Please, don't buy him or anyone else a plane ticket until they say they'll use it. Don't buy him anything. If he doesn't work, then there's no reason he wouldn't take your money just because he could.

Seriously, let him go. Get some therapy for you.

bionicgal posted 6/20/2014 06:54 AM

Flower, I know these must be painful things to hear, and I know you have been defending this relationship a long time. But, this person is holding you down, not lifting you up. I'd set feelings aside for a minute, and look at the data. Look at his actions. He doesn't want you to go into counseling because he knows that he is not good for you.

Look, back in the day my mom got married at 14 to a man who was in his late 20s. He rescued her from an abusive home, took care of her, paid for her college, they were married 10 years, and then traded her in for another 15 year old. Guys like this, even "good" ones, have issues.

I am concerened that you feel so down on yourself. You are a young woman with your life in front of you. You need to ask for help, get strong, and create the life you want. You have had so much bad stuff happen to you, that you think that is all you are worth. That is not true. Hang in there, and keep posting.

BdayDday posted 6/20/2014 10:16 AM

(((((((Flowerisland)))))))
Oh sweetie, you are a real survivor. You have been through so much and had to endure more abuse and tragedy at such a young age than most do in a lifetime. Look at you, you're still standing. Please don't try to hurt yourself anymore. There just has to be good things coming in your future and I really don't want you to miss them.

Unfortunately, in order to endure so much and continue living, we have to develop really messed up coping strategies. When you are abused and abandoned by the people who are supposed to love you the most, you start to think "sure they're doing x,y,z to me, but deep down they must love me." This gives you a really screwed up idea of what love is. You have been failed by everyone around you that was supposed to guide you to adulthood. You deserve to be in a happy, healthy relationship. You deserve respect. You deserve to be valued. You deserve to be able to set boundaries and have them adhered to. Problem is, you probably don't have much experience with healthy relationships and have developed the coping skills to exist in any situation.

I could tell you were very intelligent just from reading your first post. No spelling errors, good grammar. I thought, geez this kids been through so much, but she still managed to do her homework. I'm also sure that at 14 you were much more mature than many in their 20's considering all that you had taken on. Even still, it's troubling that your BF started a relationship with you when you were so young. It's also upsetting tat he continues to target teenagers now that he's in his 30's. very difficult to see when you're in the situation, but that does not seem normal or healthy. What was life like for him growing up?

You need to not be so hard on yourself. You cheated on him with the boy that was " in love" with you and the "popular" boy. Having to cope with sexual abuse from family members for 10 years really screws up your personal boundaries.You may not have wanted to have sex with these boys, but didn't really know how to say NO. So, to answer your BF's question - ya, you do need therapy to tell him why you cheated. Also, a lot of teenagers have sex with more than one partner, it's part of learning about relationships. Many experiment with drugs or alcohol, often part of the learning curve. (Oh ya, try to stay away from drugs and alcohol too, k? AND, no more hurting yourself.)

So then basically, your bf abandoned you when you needed him the most. He was not meeting your emotional or physical needs. This is where you would have ended the relationship if you had any idea what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like. He has been physically violent, and now your relationship is mostly fighting and hate and anger, but he still thinks its ok to have sex with you. Ok, can you see, even a little, where this has come full circle from your childhood? You are not in a truly loving relationship. You are in a relationship where you have to use your EXCELLENT coping skills and outstanding resilience to convince yourself despite his abuse, disrespect and sexual exploitation, that deep down he really loves you. It's not your fault, you have been damaged from years of abuse. You have developed these thought processes in order to survive your toxic family. I am sure you must crave to be loved and it must be terrifying to think of walking away. I urge you to get help. You deserve so much more. I know therapy is expensive. You are brilliant, there are so many inexpensive resources available that may benefit your healing. Scour the Internet, check out your local library, join a support group (as well as SI, we don't mind sharing.)

Please, please, please, do this for yourself. Even if it seems like this relationship is worth saving, you can't do it by yourself. It sounds like you're the only one trying. You have overcome so much, you can survive this relationship too. Get help if you can, get healthy. Once you do, I hope you will find that being in a relationship should not incur such a huge emotional toll.

Your story hurts my heart. I wish you all the best. Stay strong. I will be thinking of you.

flowerisland posted 6/22/2014 07:10 AM

I just want to say thank you to everyone who is replying.
What so scary to me is that I feel like I have to sit here and tell you that I am doing the things wrong in the relationship.
I cheated, I lied for years on end about the cheating, and I cheated multiple times.
And I guess I partially want to say all of this is because I also want to put my bad things out on the table so maybe I can get advice on it.
Because as I said, I did do some pretty horrible things.
Since he's been back since August, he kicked me out completely because I had started to become more violent.
Well, what had happen is that when I came back in August and moved in with him. He started treating me like shit, he let his friends and family say horrible things about me and he, himself, was making fun of me in person and on Facebook.
About two weeks after I moved in, my grandma dies.
This was after me going to her every day for the past 6 months in her nursing home, feeding her and watching her lose her mind.

When she died and we were leaving the hospital, I had just seen her dead on the hospital bed, he asks me as we are walking to the car why I cheated on him. At that moment, I lost it and decided not to put up with his shit.

We were then fighting every moment after that. His nephew who also lived with us at his grandpa's, was treating me like shit. And he said nothing and did nothing because "he watched him cry and break down and he's just as much in this as he is."
But his nephew and I went to school together and since 7th grade has been an asshole to me. In high school, he threw food at me and did horrible things to me. And during that time, my boyfriend did nothing about it.

During this time, in February his nephew was saying horrible things to me and treating me really bad and kept trying to be involved in the argument my boyfriend and I were having.
He wouldn't stop and got right in my face saying horrible things and I punched him.
He then called the cops on me, I was arrested and in jail for two days.

After that, when I did come back into the house (after two weeks of sleeping in the car) about 3 weeks after that my boyfriend kicked me out.

I then got into my trust and got an apartment where he never officially moved in but all his shit and he was there.

We were there and most recently, he caused a big scene and had the cops at my place and his dad physically attacked me but called the cops on me???

And after that, I got super drunk and one of his best friends and I had sex.

That apparently was the breaking point of our relationship according to him.

Honestly, I feel like everything I am posting is so scrambled.
I just know that I have done a lot of things wrong in the relationship and I don't want that ignored because what I did was wrong and hurtful.

I don't just want to throw him under the bus.... I mean, I could tell you about all the wonderful things about him and yeah sometimes the bad out weighs the good. But he was really amazing before the cheating..

Clarrissa posted 6/22/2014 07:47 AM

Flower, so glad to see you posting.

I know how hard it is to put all your shit out there as you've done, even on a board such as this. That takes courage. It takes courage to own all that as well. That said, I think you have the courage to walk away from this relationship. You need to. You *have* to. You cannot have a healthy relationship until you're healthy yourself and considering everything you've been through, you must recognize that you are far from it.

I have to agree with the others, this man doesn't love you. He's playing into your issues to get what he wants. Trust me, I know. Had the same thing happen to me. So no, he doesn't love you. If he did, he'd build you up, help you help youself, encourage you, have your back, be there when you need him. Can you honestly say he's done any of this outside the first flush of a new relationship?

Sweety, you're 20 years old. You deserve better. You should *demand* better than what he's giving you. Yes, it's hard to even think you deserve better much less believe it but you do.

Now, dig deep and tap into that courage you've shown so far and walk away from him. Don't let him or anyone else keep you where you are. Get healthy, not for him but for you.

Keep posting. We'll say things you may not want to hear but we do it to help. Focus on you for now, what you want, what you need. Forget him. If he *truly* loves you (which I *seriously* doubt) he'll still be there when you approach the other side of this.

redsox13 posted 6/22/2014 08:29 AM

For many years I represented patients in their civil commitment hearings (I am an attorney). As a result I became pretty familiar with cases involving mental illness, and not infrequently (because mental illness is often inherited) they would be coupled with a history of sexual abuse.

What you are dealing with is completely unfair - you have been dealt a horrible hand in life. But the biggest piece of advice I would give is to see both a psychiatrist and counselor as soon as you can.

It is not uncommon for people with severe mental illness to develop drug and alcohol issues - it is a form of self medication. It is not uncommon for women with sexual abuse issues to wind up with a man older than them.

I would make sure you get your own mental health addressed before you try and fix the relationship.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/22/2014 13:11 PM

You're standing on a crumbling bridge between the past and the future. It is time, now, for you decide which way to run.

Here's what I know about you. You're 21 years old, incredibly strong, and your IQ is high but (through no fault of your own) your EQ is low. ICR, except I was dealt nowhere near the shitty hand you've been in life.

You still have the opportunity to be whomever you want in life. Go to college, or not, start a business, pursue art or music.

But you can't become any of that with this guy in your life. Maybe that's harsh, but it's my opinion.

I saw him a lot and tried really hard to be a good girlfriend.

You are incapable of being a good girlfriend. Not your fault, nobody who'd lived your life would've been capable of it, and it's a testament to your fortitude that you've even survived this long. It's time for you to stand on your own, though. Figure out who you are. Find a really good therapist. Learn to thrive, not just survive. Go to school or learn a trade, take up a hobby or a sport. Backpack across Europe for a couple months. Volunteer. Just live your life. For yourself. Have you ever put yourself first?