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myeverafter posted 6/19/2014 11:28 AM

I am kicking a dead horse. But I feel like I am in a better place.

fWH admits he had been acting like a dick the last couple years. I thought everything was normal ok in our life. Looking back now, he was also acting cocky. I am guessing it was the extra attention...

Part of my issue, I can't give him all of that. Or at least I hadn't in the last couple years... There is only so much I can do/give with having working full time, being a mom, etc. It wasn't like I was taking 100% better care of "me" either. I am 100% stubborn and have an issue withe being right all the time. And have to work on listening.

I don't think he is lying to me when he says he 100% remorse what he did. I think it shook him to the core on how much his decisions/actions hurt me.

Life got to me in February, and we haven't been back to MC. Then again during that time, he hasn't been to IC either. (His IC had moved and he hadn't found a new one.) We have an appt on Tuesday.

Part of my issue now is still just him saying "digging deeper into himself" doesn't really reassure me on finding out the how and the why. Or how him just saying it won't happen again really tells me that it won't happen again. I guess it still gets to me being reassured and knowing if he is really fixing the issues inside of him. Any sort of conflict, he shuts down.

The codependency issues...
He can't tell anyone no. Example, I texted him this morning to see if the kids made it to VBS ok. He said he would have made it in plenty of time, but the house painter stopped by. (This happened on Monday too.) The painter started talking to him and fWH just won't say "Sorry, I have to go..." He was barely there on time.

Or telling someone, "we will see" when he knows his answer is "no".

How am I supposed to know what he really thinks in his relationship with me? Not just saying things to make me happy when he is miserable. He says he will be happy when I am happy again... It is just one bad circle...

I am more positive since realizing that he has started to change, but is that enough? I am also more positive that I can trust him that he is not seeing her anymore and has remained NC. (They did work together, but are now on opposite shifts. This summer he has the kids on every day off.)

Not saying that I will EVER forgive or forget his actions... I don't know if saying that I will forgive him as he is still now is really even a good thing.

I don't know if it "right" to hing the ability to forgive also to the actions of "fixing himself".

I guess my feeling is that he has to fix himself to move forward...