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Heartbroken and lost

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Lili0828 posted 6/19/2014 17:49 PM

I've been married almost 10 years but we've been together 18 years. We have two beautiful children together.

My mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer recently and her health was going downhill quickly. My husband was very supportive and suggested that we remove the kids from school and I return home to spend time with my family. Our family lives two provinces away. After being away for 3 weeks, I noticed my husband became distant and didn't seem to have time to talk to us. I kept questioning him about this and he kept denying and saying everything was fine. He talked to me in the past about a female co-worker and when I would question him about her, he would always say I had nothing to worry about, she was married and besides he loved me only.

One morning almost 3 weeks ago, he called and I could tell something was wrong by the tone of his voice. He started to cry and say he missed and loved me so much. I was shocked by his behaviour and re-assured him that he would be out in a few days to see us. He really started to cry and said I don't want to see him and I would hate him. I knew in my stomach that something was wrong. He then told me that he cheated on me with this co-worker. She had performed oral sex on him. He said he had no idea how it happened, he was feeling really lonely that night and she called asking to meet up to give him the money she owed him. Once he met her, she invited him to go have a drink with her at the bar (which he clearly knew I would never approve of). After the 2 drinks, they went to her car to have a smoke and she started talking about her unhappy marriage. He said the next thing he knew she was kissing his neck and then started to perform oral on him. She then invited him back to her house for sex. My WH claims he snapped out of his fog and told her no because he was married and loved me. He claims she then proceeded to beg him to stay and she promised she would never tell me. He said he started to get upset with her and raised his voice and tried to leave. He claims she told him not to say anything to me that no one needed to know. My WH claims he became very irate with her and told her that he could not lie to me and loved me.

I was devastated when I found out. Not only am I taking care of my dying mother but now I have to deal with this. I did not tell my mother because she was already worried that she would cause a riff in our marriage. During my husband's confession which was the following morning of his betrayal, he said he had been feeling really lonely and scared for a while and told me a secret from his childhood that he had kept to himself and how the past 6 months it had played in his mind.

He no longer has contact with this girl. We have decided to try and work on our marriage. He has agreed to counselling for himself, which he is waiting on a call from his counsellor today. We will then attend counselling together. I have advised that we will be moving back to the same province as our family and he is not to be alone with any female unless I know her and I am comfortable with her. He has been honest about the affair and made it clear that it was him and nothing to do with me.

I am lost because he was my best friend my rock and he has hurt me deeply. Thank you for listening, I just needed to vent a little.

Chinadoll30 posted 6/19/2014 18:38 PM

I'm so sorry for all the pain you are going through. Your mother and this. The pain of this betrayal is just mind boggling. I thought I knew pain, but not like this. Do you have someone who can take care of you? Someone to lean on? You can only be strong for those around you for so long before you just break. I understand you don't want to tell your mom, but I hope you have others you can lean on in this time.

nekorb posted 6/19/2014 20:08 PM

I'm so sorry. Two major life events all at once! It's awful

Please take care of you. I know you have your mom and kids to care for also, but do not neglect yourself. Eat. Drink.

Start reading in the healing library. Upper left hand corner in the yellow box. Read up on the 180.

I hope you have the whole truth, but don't be surprised if you don't.

Jrazz posted 6/20/2014 01:26 AM

Welcome to SI, Lili.

I'm so devastated for you... that is so much to bear in such a short amount of time.

We have a bit in common... I lost my Mother in Law to stage 4 cancer very suddenly in 2009, and in 2010 my husband had a 2 month long electronic affair with a coworker which culminated in one night of sex.

What I can tell you is that as time progresses, you may take some (very small) comfort in the fact that he confessed this to you versus your having come upon this information on your own. I know that right now your world is upended and your mind and heart are reeling, but I promise that you are going to be ok.

We have been where you have been, and we're here to help you.

Read through our Healing Library. Take care of yourself, and remember to breathe right now. That's your main job.

Sending big hugs and strength.


[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:27 AM, June 20th (Friday)]

ShedSomeLight posted 6/20/2014 05:18 AM

I am so sorry. I am similar as my Mom has alziehmers and is in a nursing home. Take care care of you and lean on friends right now...

Lili0828 posted 6/20/2014 06:17 AM

Thank you everyone for the comforting words. It's been very tough and I am emotionally drained. My sister and brother-in-law are aware of what is happening since we are staying with them. My sister been very supportive and has helped guide me and giving me good advice. The first night after receiving the news, I wanted to go pay back my husband and sleep with another man. My sister talked me out of it and she was right, I'm not the type of person who has one night stands (I've only ever been with my husband). They can relate to what is happening since my sister had an EA a few years ago and they are still working on their marriage.

I will be calling a counsellor today for support. My emotions are everywhere. This sounds a little silly and crazy but I get upset with my husband because he has accepted responsibility for his actions, he's doing everything I have asked of him, he's opening up to me and I get this feeling inside like I don't want to feel sorry for him, I want him to say the wrong things. Isn't it crazy? I know he's hurting too right now, I said some very unkind things to him. We've been talking 2-4 times a day. Doctor has diagnosed him with having a depression. He is having anxiety over the incident from his childhood, he's confused by all of these feelings. My husband has never been an emotional person and he does not talk about his feelings at all. He's having a hard time coping with all of this and he's very confused and doesn't understand what he's feeling. He said he knows he loves me but he's scared that he doesn't know if he wants to be married any more. He's worried that he going thru midlife crisis. He doesn't understand anything any more. He said he's scared he'll lose me and can't stand the thought of me being with anyone.

Yeah, this quite the emotional roller coaster. My anger says cut the string and move on with your life, let him figure out his own problems. My heart says that I love him dearly, he's been a good husband and friend, that I need to support him and help him. It kills me to see him like this. Does life really have to be this hard? I'm trying hard to keep my sanity. I spend my days with mom at the hospital and trying to get my parents finance and papers in order as they never thought it would be important to do any of this. My father is a scared little boy, mom has always taken care of him and made all the decisions, so he's been leaning on me. I'm hoping to get in to see a counsellor asap because I feel like I am sinking fast.

Thank you for listening and for all of your kind words, it means so much. I am sorry that many of you have had to go thru this pain too.

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