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Wayward Side :
loving and cheating

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 boots5050 (original poster new member #39542) posted at 11:55 AM on Friday, June 20th, 2014

this is me doing something about it, not shutting

out myself

I do not want to remain the same, each day I try to stay in the moment, study my thoughts,

this website can be very intimidating to someone like me, a recluse in my own head, afraid to share too much

I love my wife dearly, she asks how could I love her during both times that I cheated on her and left

that is extremely tough to do, loving and cheating

still trying to wrap my head around the decisions

I made

posts: 32   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2013   ·   location: usa
id 6842704
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authenticnow ( member #16024) posted at 11:57 AM on Friday, June 20th, 2014

Are you working on this in IC?

DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.

posts: 55165   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2007
id 6842706
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20WrongsVs1 ( member #39000) posted at 2:45 PM on Friday, June 20th, 2014

Being a recluse is what got you through childhood. You learned early on that hiding your emotions is what you needed to do, to keep yourself safe.

But you're a grown man now. Introspection and vulnerability are hard, yes. Crawling back into your shell and labeling yourself a recluse, or a sociopath...that's easy.

Time for you to choose. Easy? Or hard.

I know seeing a therapist is scary, but with your background I'm skeptical that you can break free of your lifelong maladaptive coping mechanisms without professional help.

fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
Former motto: "Fake it till ya make it." Now: "You can't win if you don't play."

posts: 1523   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2013   ·   location: The First Coast
id 6842837
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 boots5050 (original poster new member #39542) posted at 2:31 AM on Saturday, June 21st, 2014

daily reading and posting helps, but yet I cant

let go, truly feel remorse,

sadness is part of my life now

therapy for 8 months in between two betrayals

never opened up to therapist, hid and lied

need to re enter therapy

posts: 32   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2013   ·   location: usa
id 6843668
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tired girl ( member #28053) posted at 2:47 AM on Saturday, June 21st, 2014

I never opened up to any therapist I had. Whenever they would start to ask about my childhood I told them that we would not discuss it.

The therapist that I had when I came to SI was the first one I ever started to talk to about it. Took her a year to get me to open up and start talking.

You are not alone in what you are going through.

You have to want to change and get better. And then you start making one different choice at a time.

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

posts: 7444   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2010   ·   location: Inside my head
id 6843690
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lovemywife4ever ( member #42834) posted at 6:48 PM on Sunday, June 22nd, 2014

I don't know what to say other than thinking of you. I have always bottled up my feelings, too. I get that.

Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M...this is not an excuse but a timeline of our life
Now: real love and maturing
REMARRIED AN

posts: 461   ·   registered: Mar. 19th, 2014
id 6844934
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 boots5050 (original poster new member #39542) posted at 11:18 AM on Monday, June 23rd, 2014

you are very correct, to dig down I need the assistance of a qualified therapist and honesty

as soon as it is financially available I will

self employed means I pay as I go

posts: 32   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2013   ·   location: usa
id 6845497
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somethingremorse ( member #42047) posted at 3:40 PM on Monday, June 23rd, 2014

I do not want to remain the same

Knowing this is the biggest part. Like 20Wrongs said, it is SO easy to go back to your old ways of coping. But ask yourself if that is where you want to be? Or who you want to be?

Keep moving forward. Hang in there.

Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

posts: 911   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2014   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 6845742
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sunnyrain ( member #30164) posted at 3:54 PM on Monday, June 23rd, 2014

that is extremely tough to do, loving and cheating

Yes, and sometimes I wonder if it is even possible?

I thought I loved my H even as I was in my affair, but now I'm thinking that I put any love I had for him on the back burner as I pursued my selfish desires.

And somewhere along the line, I started a hate-affair with myself which only fueled all the horrible actions and decisions I continued to make in my M and my life in general.

I think I'm rediscovering both the love for my H as well as the love for myself at the same time.

Maybe the love you had for your wife and yourself was never completely lost but just on the back burner?

Keep growing and questioning and moving forward. Right actions are your best bet in getting right results!

"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

posts: 450   ·   registered: Nov. 20th, 2010
id 6845764
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