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this is me doing something about it, not shutting
out myself
I do not want to remain the same, each day I try to stay in the moment, study my thoughts,
this website can be very intimidating to someone like me, a recluse in my own head, afraid to share too much
I love my wife dearly, she asks how could I love her during both times that I cheated on her and left
that is extremely tough to do, loving and cheating
still trying to wrap my head around the decisions
I made

Are you working on this in IC?

Being a recluse is what got you through childhood. You learned early on that hiding your emotions is what you needed to do, to keep yourself safe.

But you're a grown man now. Introspection and vulnerability are hard, yes. Crawling back into your shell and labeling yourself a recluse, or a sociopath...that's easy.

Time for you to choose. Easy? Or hard.

I know seeing a therapist is scary, but with your background I'm skeptical that you can break free of your lifelong maladaptive coping mechanisms without professional help.

daily reading and posting helps, but yet I cant
let go, truly feel remorse,
sadness is part of my life now
therapy for 8 months in between two betrayals
never opened up to therapist, hid and lied
need to re enter therapy

I never opened up to any therapist I had. Whenever they would start to ask about my childhood I told them that we would not discuss it.

The therapist that I had when I came to SI was the first one I ever started to talk to about it. Took her a year to get me to open up and start talking.

You are not alone in what you are going through.

You have to want to change and get better. And then you start making one different choice at a time.

I don't know what to say other than thinking of you. I have always bottled up my feelings, too. I get that.

you are very correct, to dig down I need the assistance of a qualified therapist and honesty
as soon as it is financially available I will
self employed means I pay as I go

I do not want to remain the same

Knowing this is the biggest part. Like 20Wrongs said, it is SO easy to go back to your old ways of coping. But ask yourself if that is where you want to be? Or who you want to be?

Keep moving forward. Hang in there.

that is extremely tough to do, loving and cheating

Yes, and sometimes I wonder if it is even possible?

I thought I loved my H even as I was in my affair, but now I'm thinking that I put any love I had for him on the back burner as I pursued my selfish desires.

And somewhere along the line, I started a hate-affair with myself which only fueled all the horrible actions and decisions I continued to make in my M and my life in general.

I think I'm rediscovering both the love for my H as well as the love for myself at the same time.

Maybe the love you had for your wife and yourself was never completely lost but just on the back burner?

Keep growing and questioning and moving forward. Right actions are your best bet in getting right results!