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A Different Kind of Story

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UtterlyShattered posted 6/20/2014 08:16 AM

I came here originally looking for support, but I havenít found anything like my situation. It has been helpful to read stories of reconciliation after infidelity. I truly hope that is where we are headed.

J and I have been married for 16 years. We have 2 boys ages 9 and 14. We have had a very strong relationship, we communicate well and when we do fight, we fight fair. My husband has struggled with depression for the past couple of years. He has tried medications but the side effects are too much for him to take. He was seeing a counselor, but she wasnít much help. She would listen to his problems but not offer any coping mechanisms for J to use in everyday life. I urged him to see someone else, but he just seemed overwhelmed by the thought of finding someone else and starting from scratch.

Never in all of our 16 years did I ever worry about him cheating on me. He has always been 100% honest with me in everything he did and I never had any reason to doubt him.

I recently had 2 back surgeries and was in the hospital for 5 days. J has been so Ďoffí since then. He was so edgy and looking back he was very withdrawn affectionately. He has been under a lot of stress at work and that coupled with the fact that I canít do anything and he is responsible for the kids and taking care of the house explained the strange behavior. So I thought.

On Fatherís Day, J confessed to me that on the night after my first surgery, he placed an ad on Craigslist looking to give another man oral sex. J received a reply and met up with the guy at his house. He told me he gave the guy oral sex and the guy gave him a hand job. There was no anal sex involved or kissing either. As he was telling me this, I felt as if I was breaking apart into a million pieces.

J admitted that he has always been curious about oral sex with a guy. He said the whole encounter started out as a taboo kind of exciting, but it quickly degenerated and became awkward and gross. He did not enjoy it and swears it will never happen again. J is devastated that he hurt me so badly and is committed to saving our marriage. He keeps saying he doesnít even know why he did it, he was never unhappy with me. He feels that years of porn made him feel like he needed something else to be satisfied. He now knows how good he had it.

My heart is broken in a million pieces. Not just that he did it, but that he chose a time when I was so vulnerable. Lying in a hospital bed, recovering from one surgery and waiting to have a second one. I do want to save our marriage because I feel like what we had is worth saving. We went to see a counselor and we are both going to do individual counseling with some couplesí sessions included. I asked J to go to confession and he did. That is huge to me, because I know it was very hard for him. But I wanted him to see that even if I wasnít ready yet, there was a path to forgiveness.

Iím not sure how to proceed. We are muddling through one day at a time. Because he was so withdrawn since the surgery, I have felt so lonely. I am too embarrassed to talk about this with anyone so it has been hard. I donít see my counselor until June 30th. I am torn between wanting some closeness with my husband and not being ready for that yet. I wonít let him kiss me on the mouth either.

As part of my recovery, I need to walk every day. So each night my husband takes me around the block and we talk. He apologizes and talks about the things he wants to change about himself. He lets me vent and assures me I have no blame in this. He has already been tested for STDs and is going to be rechecked in 3 months.

When will the hurt stop? When will I stop crying every day? Will I ever get the images out of my head? Sorry this is so long, but I just needed to get it all out. Thanks for listening.

soulshattered posted 6/20/2014 08:23 AM

I'm so sorry that you have to be here but if you have to be it's the best. I cannot relate to your issue but believe it or not it's not unique. Go to the I Can Relate tab and there is an entire section devoted to BS of same sex AP. I wish you luck and I hope it helps

confused615 posted 6/20/2014 08:28 AM

This is my story too. Almost word for word.

Today is a difficult day for me. Four Years ago today, my husband opened his secret email account...and did exactly what your husband did.

I heard the same excuses...he was always curious..didn't enjoy it..etc.

There's more to this. He needs IC to figure out his sexuality and why he did this.

We are in R. He is not gay...but I'm scared he
May one day realize he is...You know?

I'm not going to lie. It's hard. What is he doin to make you feel safe?

SeanFLA posted 6/20/2014 08:33 AM

I know my exWW was having an A at about the same time I landed in the hospital for 9 days with a kidney problem and two surgeries i had to endure. It was a frightening time for me as I've never had a hospital stay in my life. I thought it was going to be just a day surgery thing too. I hear many time about WS's who do these thing during stressful times within the households, like surgeries, deaths, job losses...even pregnancies

In a nutshell it's about their poor copping mechanisms regarding stress. But I think the betrayal is twice as painful sometimes because you are looking for that person to have your back and support you. Through sickness and in heath kind of thing. I do remember her seeming quite annoyed and taking it out on my doctor a bit. I had to stay way across town here and she started bitching about the commute to come that far. Worst thing is I remember how scared I was that they were going to possibly need to remove my kidney of things didn't work out and afterwards knowing she was chatting via text most likely with this asshole, probably even sexting who knows, while I lay there. Another issue is she choose to have a PA with him on a business trip while he was on his way home from overseas for his son's birth. His wife was going into labor. The selfishness on both those accounts is something I cannot process. How could she do this to another mother.

Looking back I don't think I could ever forgive her for that. It's pure selfishness, just like your WH. He has a lot of work to do. Feel lucky he's seems to be remorseful and truthful with you with what he's done and working on fixing himself. He needs to also get into IC or see a psychiatrist.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 8:46 AM, June 23rd (Monday)]

bionicgal posted 6/20/2014 08:34 AM

I am so sorry you find yourself here. I think the first thing to know is that your H was escaping with this incident. So, it wasn't about you, it was about him and his poor coping mechanisms. Instead of stepping up and giving, he retreated into fantasy.

I don't know how much to make of the same sex thing. He may have just wondered about this, or it may have some connection to early sexual experiences. Our MC says "the body has no morals," so it is entirely possible to have sexual encounters and enjoy them that you don't agree with somehow. (I am just saying he can have experienced gay sex without being gay. Not that there is anything wrong with being gay, unless you are married to a woman!). But obviously, if he were my husband, I'd feel lost and confused.

Anyway, a lot to sort out. I am sorry for your pain. . .we are all in this together, keep posting.

norabird posted 6/20/2014 08:48 AM


You are off in many respects to what seems to be a solid start. It's so hard to have the ground ripped out from under you--it really is a kind of trauma. However this is absolutely something he needs to investigate further and be very careful about. You can't just rugsweep it, so it's good you're talking. Take care of yourself and give this some time. You will get to feeling like your old self again; though it is not an easy thing to overcome, you will manage it.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/20/2014 09:02 AM

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with you.

Your husband's bisexual curiosity has nothing to do with you, your marriage, his 'depression' or anything else.

You'll need to find a way to deal with and accept the fact that he's probably bisexual and may have more desires for male activity in the future. I honestly don't know a heterosexual man on this planet who would consider meeting up with another man for any type of sex at all. So I do think you're going to have to deal with his true orientation and not sweep it under the rug.

I do think it's a positive thing that he chose to confess to you and you didn't have to catch him, so I see that as a good thing for you.

Sending you strength and peace of mind and heart.

confused615 posted 6/20/2014 09:07 AM

I wanted to agree with what bionicgal said...this doesn't automatically mean he is bi or gay. But it is something he needs to really..really..figure out..with a trained professional. You deserve to know his sexuality.

Mine isn't bi..or gay. We did a polygraph and those questions were asked. I insisted. He passed. But logically I know he could be in deep denial. I know he loves me. I know he loves having sex with me. I know he is attracted to women. But..he chose to cheat with a man...So I worry.

It's also possible there is more you don't know. How did he set up the craigslist account? What email account did he use? How did he communicate with these men?

Is he being transparent? Do you have full access to all of his email, social media, phone, and bank accounts? And passwords? Is he answering all of your questions?

I was in shock for the first five months. I was questioning every memory we shared. Was I his "beard?" I felt like I was drowning in pain.

I'm four years out. I still cry. Last night, actually. He is remorseful. He is a different,better man. But it's hard.

And I understand not being able to kiss him. I still have phases when I can't. And me giving him oral? I emailed the OM. He gave details. I know he used certain..things..I did to him during oral on this OM. I haven't been able to do that without mind movies.

I was shocked on dday. I thought we were happy. I had no clue he would do...that.

I realize my post isn't very positive.'s an honest look into trying to R in this kind of situation.

Gotmegood posted 6/20/2014 09:11 AM

Utterly- I know how you are feeling. We know how you are feeling. Oh, the specifics are varied, but the utter devastation, the gutting of your heart is the same. I didn't think I could breathe, eat, or ever smile again. I could not stop shaking. I was almost comatose with the shock of it all. I was so confused....I was hurting so deeply, and my reaction was to go to that was always my place of solace. You can rely on this- it will get better, it really will. But it will take a looooong time. You may need medication to get through the worst of it. I'm so happy that you've got a counseling session scheduled. There should be an emergency room for emotional traumas, don't you agree?
For right now, decide nothing. Put yourself first. Do whatever you can to maintain your serenity. I too decided not to share my story with friends or family, so there will be immense isolation. I suggest you post here, read here and rely on us as much as you need. Another suggestion, try not to think about him. You can't 'fix' what's broken about him. That's his job. I'm so so sorry you are here.......

Merida posted 6/20/2014 09:42 AM

I believe the technical term is transitional anxiety. My WH put in a CL ad for his "relief" as well - his turning 40/new job/ baby #3 on the way (I was 4mos pregnant)and finished with a contentious 6 year custody deal to go NC with his older kids - totaled a lot of stress. Not excusing the devastation from his utter immaturity and selfish focus on his "need to feel desired" mess, but yah, I can relate

My WH has a conflict avoidant personality. FOO issues to include a traumatic divorce of his parents at 12 / bullying / abandonment issues as a latchkey kid. He's also borderline ADHD. So bottom line is that I am finding out he's a prime candidate for poor coping under those above stressful circumstances.

If your husband suffers similar issues with compartmentalization, emotional intimacy problems than that is what I would hope he focuses on with IC. My WH has switched from cognitive to EFT and doing EMDR for the negative self-talk. Also considering sitting in on SA meetings = not saying he is a SA, but his comments about feeling compelled - " I feel like I am riding a train, not in control, just riding along the rails." - was a huge red flag for me in regards to worrying about a repeat if he didn't get some sense of control over his mental gymnastic/compartmentalizing/rationalizing/minimizing shit...

So sad to welcome you to the club no one thinks they will ever join ((HUGS))

read everything in the healing library = know that the emotional roller coaster is absolutely normal due to the trauma you've experienced.

Best pass along comment I can bring from LTA thread

You are not damaged - you are changed. How you choose to react to that change can help you grow in amazingly positive ways.

Be patient with yourself. Growth first happens inward (roots down for strength) before blossoming

One day at a time and yes - keep walking! I think I read someone's sig and I agree it's the best remedy to get through hell ;-)

UtterlyShattered posted 6/20/2014 09:52 AM

Thank you for all the support. I'm new here so I don't know how to (or even if I can) reply to individual posts, so I will cover as much as I can.

I truly don't believe J is gay. He has always been attracted to me and our sex life has been good. He is supportive of LGBT rights, but said he has never felt like he is 'attracted' to a man. He did admit to watching a lot of MMF three-way porn. He also admitted that as his depression was spiraling, he was watching more porn and he feels that led him to believe he needed something beyond our normal sex life to be satisfied. He wants to cover that in IC. He also had an incident in his childhood that may have contributed to some of the curiosity.

I have full transparency of everything, but I had that before. He showed me how to use 'find my iphone' so if I ever feel like I need to know where he is, I can log in and find his location.

He is a network admin, so he knows computers so much better than I do and I'm sure he could hide something if he really wanted to. But going forward, I believe he is committed to recovery. I have made it clear that if it happens again, there will be no chance at reconciliation.

He has answered every twisted question I have asked. And I have asked EVERYTHING! He told me what the ad said, who answered it and what happened during the encounter. It kills him to see how much the answers break my heart, but I told him the only way to get through this is to go forward and I have to have answers. I guess the one question he can't answer is 'how'? How did you drive to someone's house and do that? How did you not think of me and the kids when you were knocking on the door...going inside? How could you make one conscience choice after another that drove a wedge between us? He has no answers for that. Just that he was in a dark place and he wants to find the light.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/20/2014 11:42 AM

I don't think anyone said he was gay, Utterlyshattered.

But truly hetero men do not look for other men to have oral sex with, regardless of how depressed or how down or how stressed out they are. And he admitted he's 'always' been curious about oral sex with a man.

I still think you need to face the fact that he's bisexual.

Been there and done that. Just speaking from experience.

Good luck to you.


[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 11:44 AM, June 20th (Friday)]

confused615 posted 6/20/2014 12:00 PM

He told you what the ad said..and he told you what their responses were. What about pics? Pics being exchanged is par for the course on craigslist men looking for men.

I'm sorry...him telling You isn't enough. You need to sit him down in front of th computer and go to craigslist..then tell him to enter the email account he was using in there..You need to see that ad. It will also show you if he placed any more ads. Then you need to tell him to show you the email account. The chances that he told you everything..or at the very least, didn't sugarcoat very, very small.

And it's true. No heterosexual man would do what your husband..our husbands...did. Mine is/was bicurious. I am satisfied with that answer...but only after four years of him digging and talking and doing the hard work.

Please don't rugsweep WHO he did this with.

You also need to know who it is. Is he married? You need to investigate him.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:05 PM, June 20th (Friday)]

redsox13 posted 6/20/2014 12:14 PM

Heterosexual men do not look at men having sex with other men. EVER.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. He is probably in significant denial.

redsox13 posted 6/20/2014 12:14 PM

Double post. Darn Internet...

[This message edited by redsox13 at 12:58 PM, June 20th (Friday)]

Badhurt posted 6/20/2014 12:23 PM

Sorry for your pain. Cheating is cheating I think whether it was heterosexual or homosexual. You and your H will have to figure out what his true sexual identity is.
I think if it was reversed and you had experimented with a woman one time the world would be a little more accepting of it, as would most men.
That's why the betrayal of trust, and on CL of all places, is as bad as whether it was man or woman. Would you feel better if he had bed having traditional sex with a woman???
Hope you can sort it all out. Sounds like you have a decent start

confused615 posted 6/20/2014 12:30 PM

Badhurt....of course it would hurt the same had he fucked a woman. I think the reason some are concentrating on the fact that he cheated with a man is because it is a big deal that it wasn't a woman. It adds another layer to the pain. But the pain is just as sharp..just as soul shattering, regardless of who ....the betrayal and pain is the same.

bionicgal posted 6/20/2014 12:33 PM

Oh, I love this:

You are not damaged - you are changed

And, sexuality can be a continuum, not a black and white thing for all people. So, while some people's experience may be that their spouse cheated with a same-gender person and it just reflected a deep desire to be homosexual, and others have spouses that just dabbled or tried something out and are really, at heart, heterosexual. I have read both cases on here, mainly the 2nd, actually. Sometimes it is simply what is "forbidden" is what is exciting, and maybe that was the case for your husband.


Heterosexual men do not look at men having sex with other men.

is probably an overgeneralization, but largely true. I, for example, can find women attractive, but have a kind of visceral reaction of "ick" to seeing them "together." Like -- "oooh - that's not right." (I am not talking philosophically/morally. I think people should love who they want.) I don't have the same feeling about men so much.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 12:41 PM, June 20th (Friday)]

woundedwoman posted 6/20/2014 15:10 PM

Your title caught my eye because mine was a different kind of story. My story was a husband's one time visit to a massage parlor. I have found some helpful posts from people here, but unfortunately, some were kind of toxic and hateful. -Remember, you know your husband best (yes, you do), the people here don't know him. I haven't found someone with a story like mine-other posts were about men who frequently went to those places. Mine went once, and yes, I firmly believe that to be true. I hope your responses are all positive. I am seven months out from learning. I have some bad days, but those are rare. I did however cry near constantly for weeks (when my kids weren't around). I imagined the incident. I tortured myself with the mental movie. I even had a terrible breakdown in the supermarket-yep. I lost weight (42lbs- and frankly, I didn't need to lose the weight). My confidence was hurt. It still hurts.

What I learned was I needed my husband to come 100% clean-let me view his phone and his computer and every credit card and bank statement. I needed to know where he was at all times -tracker on his phone and he needed to send me multiple photos throughout the day. What I also needed was to know the entire story-the entire event from start to finish every detail so I could stop imagining what happened. My mental movie was actually worse than what my husband told me occurred. My husband gave me all that and it helped me tremendously. I was also like you, never in 1 million years would I think my husband would cheat. He isn't overly into porn, he doesn't care for strip clubs or Hooters (always said he had better at home). The reason he went was because he was curious-a massage with full on hand job was something he wanted and I never did that - completely. He felt embarrassed to ask me-wife, mother and someone he considered a lady, if I would do something like that. In all our 22 years together, we never discussed our fantasies or desires. Perhaps in time, you should have that talk with your husband. Some of the fantasies we discussed have happened (and it's actually been a lot of fun), there is one I'm not willing to do and my husband is fine with that.

As to people posting here that your husband is gay or bi...I don't think it's right for them to judge. I don't think being curious or acting upon a sexual encounter with the same sex means you are bi or gay.

I can understand your pain. My heart was broken, too, but it has healed. I can understand your worry about STDs -please be safe, you really shouldn't have unprotected sex with your husband until after a year of 100% clean testing. I can understand your images (I called them mental movies). You are in control of your mind, kick out those images.

My advise- get the entire story all the details so you don't wonder what happened, tell him he no longer has a right to privacy and everything needs to be in the open, get into counseling both couples and individual.

I can tell you seven months me, it's just a broken bone on a rainy day. There is so much more happiness now than hurt. You will heal. I wish you luck.

sotrulysorry posted 6/20/2014 15:39 PM


[This message edited by sotrulysorry at 3:43 PM, June 20th (Friday)]

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