Now that I'm attempting R and haven't really made a decision, it has put a strange wedge between my friend and I. She doesn't want to attend any functions where he will be there. WH knows that she knows and he won't be around her either. I now feel pressured to leave WH by my friendoso that adds another wedge. Did I do the wrong thing by telling her?
Your friend loves you and probably feels hurt and betrayed for you. Whether you choose to R or D I hope your friend can be YOUR FRIEND and not your judge. You know?
working towards D...I can't pretend anymore
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
A friend is supposed to support you and give you a safe haven to express your feelings. Your friend has taken it about 17 levels higher than necessary and is acting like a kid in junior high whose waged a hate war on another classmate. So freakin' childish.
Let me ask you this. You said that you've suffered in your own private hell for 7 months. Why is that? Aren't you able to talk at length whenever you want with your husband to let out some of your feelings of hurt, betrayal and anger and his cheating?
If not, then he needs an attitude adjustment real quick. HE'S the one whose supposed to be doing the hard work and heavy lifting to clean up the mess he made, NOT you.
[This message edited by WhereIsHome at 1:04 PM, June 20th (Friday)]
Did I do the wrong thing by telling her?
Absolutely not. And I disagree with NeverAgain that your friend's actions are childish. She is justifiably angry with your WH.
That being said, have you had an honest conversation with her about what support looks like to you? She may think that her indignation is supportive, not realizing that you don't see it that way. I had to tell my mother, a consummate conflict avoider, that I had made a decision to attempt R and that while I appreciated her being angry on my behalf, and understood her feelings, that the best way to support me was to support us.
If, after expressing what you need from your friend, she is unwilling to change her stance, then I would say you need to consider whether she is someone you want to include in your life.
I was angry for alot of reasons. It was apparent for over a year that their marriage was in serious trouble. During this time my BIL would come over to my house to get away from my sister when he and my sister were fighting. I live right across the alley so it was convenient. My sister is wonderful but she doesn't fight fair. In a fight she can't be wrong. I'd hear his side of it and then later my sister would show up without him and I'd hear her side and I'd try to give them both some perspective. I finally asked my BIL outright one day if he was having an affair and he denied it. I was livid that he hurt my sister. I was livid that he lied to me. And I was livid that he sat there and let me empathize with him knowning damn well that the real reason for their problems was he had a mistress.
I am no longer livid. Today I love my BIL like a brother. The affair he had came at a very difficult time in his life for other reasons. It was terribly wrong and he knows it and they did the work and reconciled. Their marriage is infinately better than it was before the affair.
So try and appreciate how your friend feels at the moment. She loves you and is protective of you because of it. But if and when she sees your H change and work to rebuild your marriage those feelings of anger will subside is my guess. This is all still very new to her and she needs to process it. It took me about a year to stop being pissed at my BIL.
So, I get that your bf is angry. She needs time to process this but let her know in no uncertain terms that this is the hardest thing you have ever done. That whatever she feels, you feel ten-fold but you need to focus on rebuilding the M and you would love her support. Do not tolerate her dumping on you about your H bc again, this is hard enough.
After 18months, my bf is still not ready to see my H or speak to him (he offered to see her) in spite of the many times I have communicated his ownership, his remorse, his new take on our life together. At this stage, I think this says a lot more about her, then about the situation.
Good luck BL. And remember, you have already been through so much. You don't need it coming at you from another angle.
If that's not it, then let them fend for themselves. You don't need this right now. Make sure you don't encourage it by "warning" one when the other will be around, for example. And tell your friend you'd appreciate her support while you try reconciling and tell her the reasons you think it is worth trying. Then just let it go and let them do what they will.
If she would have been balling her eyes out..
I am so sorry
We have a good life why did I ruin it
You didn't deserve this
etc. etc.. etc...
Maybe I wouldn't have felt the need to seek support and counsel from my loved ones. Instead I more had the feeling she was disgusted that the jig was up. Also, I had felt completely lonely for the past year and was just so sick and tired.
You are all correct, I do need to have a serious conversation with her and let her know that I'm trying to R and would appreciate her support.
WH doesn't want to be around her because he is terribly embarassed that she knows. I have no sympathy for that.
Maybe your friend has been through something similar? There was a period of time when I just couldn't bear to be around any WS, it made me furious. If that's it, I'd have some sympathy for her.
The only serious relationship that she's ever been in is with her current husband and she made it clear that she's never been through that with him. Actually, I might be a little mad at her because the first thing she said after I told her is "I do not like him. I don't like you with him and I've felt this way for a long time". I felt blindsided by that.
Well. Its no doubt you felt mad. Your bf is telling you that she never liked your H. WTF? What are you supposed to do with that?
I call this Righteous Anger. There is always the friend who thinks they have their shit together and cannot stand for one moment anything that threatens their take on the world. So, in their world, when a spouse cheats, you leave. Done. Over and out.
You might eventually want to let her know that it takes more strength to stay and work it out and you might find that your M is stronger in the end. I hope it is. You deserve nothing less.