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soccermom9 posted 6/20/2014 13:28 PM

My husband of 5 years just told me he had sex with a masseuse on a business trip this week and this is the third time this month he has done this. He only told me because the condom broke and he knew he would be putting me at risk. Now he says he loves me and never should have made this mistake and wants it work it out. Considering he said we had a great sex life yet this still happened...not sure how to move forward! I'm 44 with two kids 19 and 13.

kiki1 posted 6/20/2014 13:33 PM

Sorry your here Soccermom, but glad you found us.

that new member ticker at the top of the first page just keeps getting higher and higher.

How do you feel? It may take you a bit to even decide that. Your in for a heck of a ride.

Look through the yellow box on the left side of any of these pages. There is a wealth of information in there to help you decide what to do.

keep posting, keep reading. There is tremendous valuable insight and support here.

take care of yourself, be sure to eat and drink fluids, even if you dont want to. Try to exercise some, so you can sleep, you'll need a clear head.

Get tested for std's, no sex without a condom until you do.

hugs soccermom,,,,,,,,,,,,,

soccermom9 posted 6/20/2014 13:51 PM

Thank you! I have not slept since Wednesday night and not ate since yesterday morning. I feel like the breathe has been knocked out of me and all I can do is cry! I am going to force fluids even though I dint feel like it! I have no idea what to do yet and think its way to early to decide! I have made an appt with my gyn for next week. Prayerfully no issues will arise!

OK now posted 6/20/2014 13:59 PM

Well, it takes 6 months to be virtually sure that you are not HIV positive, let alone all the other diseases such as genital herpes. The latter is also hard to define and can take months to clarify. Protect yourself from STD's until he/you get a clean bill of health.

The fact you had a great sex life and he was in love with you, happy marriage etc., makes his actions even more inexcusable.

soccermom9 posted 6/20/2014 14:02 PM

He had stopped drinking alcohol before we met because he had no discipline. He started drinking wine a few months ago because of stress at work and he says this is why he made the mistake. He says it allowed him to fall prey to someone's advances. I really am not buying that but then again I have never been drunk!

Schadenfreude posted 6/20/2014 14:12 PM

Bullshit. Massage girls don't shanghai men alone on business trips into their "workplaces". He sought them out,,paid money, stripped, laid down and knew what he was going to get. The only advances he fell prey to were his own. Wine might have reduced any inhibitions he might have been feeling, but I doubt he stumbled,drunk into a massage parlor three times in a month.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/20/2014 14:18 PM

Soccormom, with all due respect, this guy is a liar.

How in the heck does one fall 'prey' to a masseuse? Anyone over 12 years old knows damned well that you go to these 'professionals' for ONE reason - and it's not a backrub.

Wine has nothing to do with it. Whether you've ever been drunk or not has nothing to do with it. He went to her (or had her comet to his hotel room) knowing damned well what it could lead to (and he had to pay MORE for it, so how does one fall 'prey' when they have to pay more for it?

What a complete crock of crap.

Do you go to the doctor to get the dent in your car repaired? Do you go to the grocery store to buy an evening gown? Same rule applies, here. If you're looking for an innocent massage, you go to a spa, not some dirty massage parlor that's a front for prostitution.

Tell him to own his crap and stop trying to blame something HE CHOSE TO DO on wine or some woman forcing him when he didn't want to.

I honestly think I've heard it all, now.

Good luck to you.

ETA: I'd be willing to bet my right arm this isn't his FIRST rodeo at a massage parlor or having someone come to his hotel room. It's just the first time he had to ADMIT it because his condom broke.

Make sure he gets dragged to the doctor with you for every torture test they can give him, since he was the one who risked your health.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 2:20 PM, June 20th (Friday)]

soccermom9 posted 6/20/2014 14:28 PM

Thank you all for the replies! It helps to have different perspectives! I am likely heading for a divorce!

putonahappyface posted 6/20/2014 14:30 PM

Soccermom, I'm sorry you are here & that you are not getting the full, truthful story from your WH. I bumped hathnofury's excellent post "when the WS is into prostitutes..." To the top of JFO forum. There's a lot of great info there. I see a lot of "addictive" behavior in your story, & there's probably more you don't know. You might also want to go to the I Can Relate forum & do some reading in the sex addict thread. The informative first (or maybe 2nd) has many great links, one being a quiz he should take for SA. He needs therapy, ASAP - 3x in a month is a lot, & it will progress from there if he doesn't get help now.

I hope you will seek IC for yourself, because this is so traumatic & will be for a while. Please know that you didn't cause this behavior & you certainly can't fix it. He has to be willing to do the very hard work. Focus on you, your health & your kids. Prayers for strength & comfort!

Alonelyagain posted 6/21/2014 06:30 AM

@Schadenfreude: I'm a BH and have a very negative view of WS, whether WW or WH. But once and only once (not 3 times) did a masseuse try to "Shanghai" me. After a 16 hour filight to Hong Kong (with minimal sleep) and several hours getting through customs, getting luggage , traveling to hotel and checking-in process, there was a masseuse with a portable folding bed waiting for me just outside my room as I first walked up to my room carrying my luggage. And this was a very reputable upscale hotel. I waved her off, telling her I just wanted to go to sleep. This is the only time that happened to me, and I travel widely in Asia.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/21/2014 07:06 AM

I waved her off, telling her I just wanted to go to sleep. This is the only time that happened to me, and I travel widely in Asia.

Exactly.

That's because you KNEW what she was really selling.

And so did Soccermom's husband. Except he willingly went looking for it - numerous times.

I don't agree that he's a sex addict (I hate how that label is constantly thrown around every time someone displays selfish, sleazy behavior) but I do agree that he's done this many times before.

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