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Really, can't a girl get a break?

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SoSorry17 posted 6/20/2014 13:43 PM

So yesterday BH and I have huge blow out. He misunderstood something and was irate. He said some awful things to me. While the start of the argument was a misunderstanding, his statements about my past behavior was spot on. I froze, I couldn't even attempt to talk him through it. I know he explained the argument, he told me he would and even posted an apology. Which he didn't need to do.

So today I get a call from the county jail. AP is being released today. Then the DA's office calls to tell me he is getting sentenced next month. I look out my window and BH is loading up his truck. Then I get a call from him, saying we need to talk and is dinner tonight alright?

I've got a bad feeling the shit has hit the fan. I don't think he is sleeping and he is always running and working out. It is like he is a robot or something. He still sees the kids every day and he must be doing something right there, because the kids are very happy right now.

I've tried to just be helpful to him. I've offered to do his laundry since there isn't a washer or dryer in the barn. I've made him meals to take to work. He just says no thanks and he is fine.

He isn't fine! He's falling apart right in front of me and I want to help him. He doesn't want my help and I think he has stopped IC. I'm worried about him.

nekonamida posted 6/20/2014 14:00 PM

Which he didn't need to do.

First, I'm really glad you said this. I personally think he should have brought that up to you privately. I think it's very positive that you acknowledge it as something you didn't need for him to do.

He's falling apart right in front of me and I want to help him. He doesn't want my help and I think he has stopped IC. I'm worried about him.

You see your husband rejecting you offering him the perks of a home-making wife. I see a man who is doing his own laundry, making his own meals, and holding down a good job all while he's going through hell in his personal life. He IS NOT falling apart. If he was, he would not be functioning. He did his laundry and made his own meals just fine in the past. Ask yourself, are you actually worried about him functioning? Running and working out is GOOD for you and it's therapeutic for people who are going through trauma. He's doing well at his job and took it upon himself to get a less stressful position to help him. The kids are HAPPY with their time with him and you know they didn't take the news of D well. He's not just functioning, he's doing EXCEPTIONAL! Most people are not functioning as well as he is this close to DDay. He's getting all sorts of support and pats on the back for it here.

It's so clear to someone else that it's not about him not functioning. He IS functioning in every aspect but he's no longer functioning as your husband. He's no longer relying on you to help him along. Have you thought it's his success in functioning that's scaring you?

NewWorldMan posted 6/20/2014 14:01 PM

Hi SS,

I've been following your story and have been reluctant to post because I'm not the best at giving advice.

But, I felt obliged to post because you seem way too wrapped up in what SWAT is going to do or say. You can't control the outcome of anything that is happening. I know we...and I say we because I do the same thing...want to try to manipulate the outcomes of things to our advantage, and you're doing it now.

I'm sure others will come along and tell you something similar, but it sounds like you're so concerned about what's going to happen and how much it's going to hurt, that you'll do anything within your power to soften the blow or to make everyone "happy"...for lack of a better word.

You say he isn't fine, but he says he is. You need to let him be the judge of that.

He's angry, and has every right to be. His anger isn't going to go away soon.

You need to let go of the outcome. You need to stop worrying about him. He's a big boy and can take care of himself.

In my opinion, I think you need to worry about you and stop trying to "win him back".

caspers1wish posted 6/20/2014 14:14 PM

What outtamymind says, times 10. Let go. Stop trying to still be his wife. I know it's hard to not want to help when we see someone we love in pain, but he's really fine. You, my dear, are not, and that is not said with any harshness, but I can imagine it stings. You're doing fine, stop focusing on him, focus on you.

SoSorry17 posted 6/20/2014 14:14 PM

I understand what your saying and I would agree with you 100%. But I've been looking at him everyday and I've known him for 30 years. He looks sick, he has lost way to much weight and none if his clothes fit. He always looks so pale. As far as I can tell he isn't talking to anyone he is close to about this. Even the way he expressed his anger is different.

I'm worried about his health. He isn't taking care of himself right and it is starting to show. He filed for divorce, I get that. I can't change his mind and I've accepted the marriage is coming to an end. I'm working on me but I want him around for the kids.

raven3321 posted 6/20/2014 14:14 PM

Hey SS17,

Yay! I was wondering when you would post without a stop sign. I have some things I've wanted to say to you.

First of all don't panic. I'm a guy who's been betrayed before. He's simply processing everything that's going on and trying to disengage from you. That's normal. He's going through the stages of grief....sadness, pain, anger, etc. So don't panic. You must be patient as he works through his feelings. Remember, even in the best of scenarios, it takes between 2 and 5 years to get over an affair. You have a ways yet to go.

The fact that he wants to date you and talk is VERY reassuring. I think even though the divorce will probably go through, you'll still make it as a couple eventually. He's simply divorcing because he feels the need for justice and that's OK. It's obvious to anyone that he loves you. Remember that the next time he gets angry. The reason he's angry and hurt is he loves you. If he didn't, it wouldn't matter. I also want to point out that typically, the anger gets worse...especially in the 2nd year after Dday. That's also quite normal. Don't fret. This will pass.

Now on to a few thoughts and ideas I've had. First of all, be patient with his questions. He's going to ask the same questions over and over and over again. Again, quite normal. He wants to know if your story changes or if there's anything else. Don't lose faith or become impatient. Just answer them truthfully. Don't try to push him to reconcile if and when you see an improvement. Timing is everything.

Finally, just a suggestion. If it's already been made by someone else, I apologize. Why don't you start another journal. This time about Swat. Write down all your thoughts and fantasies just like before but instead of your OM, put Swat in his place. I know you feel all lovey dovey about Swat now that stuff has blown up. But guys want and need to be desired sexually just like women do. Write down what you would like Swat to do to and for you. DO NOT SHOW HIM the journal. For one thing, it's way too early in the process. Also, you want him to "find" it. He will eventually. I don't want to get too graphic, but one of the really hurtful things to betrayed men is the wife sometimes does things with the OM that she didn't do with him. You've already stated this was the case with the OM. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what that was. However, men are territorial and don't like when other men play in our yard. We generally want to take back our territory if you know what I mean. This is going to be in the back of his mind for some time to come. It's up to you, but I would let him know that you are completely and utterly his......all of you. And if he would be so kind as to take back what's his. You can either tell him now or put in in the journal. He most likely won't but it will take away part of the hurt in him that another man has had a part of you he hasn't.

I've been praying for you and Swat for days now and I feel you guys are going to be fine. God isn't made at you by the way. He loves you just the way you are. We're all rooting for you SS17. Take care.

Aubrie posted 6/20/2014 14:30 PM

SS17, everything you describe that he is doing is *completely* normal. His process will be different from what you think should be normal. Back off. Respect his process.

My husband changed after Dday. Lost a ton of weight. I saw the wrinkles in his brow. I saw the stress weigh on his shoulders. The exhaustion in his eyes. Nothing I could do would change that. Accept that this is how he is handling it. Not your choice. And you cant undo this. This is part of the process.

As far as journalling about Swat for him to find later? That totally feels like manipulation to me. There are other ways for her to make Swat feel loved without the journal bit. And what happens if she does journal and he finds it. Can you say massive trigger anyone??? JMHO.

God isn't made at you by the way. He loves you just the way you are.
*sigh* Doesn't absolve their wrong doing. David was a man after God's own heart. Dude still faced consequences. SS17, dunno if religion is your thing, if it is, take care you don't use it as a blanket for your wrongdoing. "Ohhhh Jesus forgave me and its all under the bloodddd" True. But like David, we still have to make amends and fix the mess we create. Religion doesn't erase it and should not be used as an excuse. Again, JMHO

Losconang15 posted 6/20/2014 14:43 PM

Hm, I've been reading and keeping up with your story. As a BS, I have to say that you need to let him be. He might not be that "swat" that you always knew and loved, this swat had his world torn apart, crumbled and set on fire. He's doing the best he can right now to make HIM function. He might be losing weight, might not be sleeping, but really he's trying to just stay on survival mode. I don't think a WS can ever fully comprehend the devastation a BS feels. It's debilating at times and it's exhausting. Add kids to the mix and it's so much harder then just dealing with betrayal and unconditional love. It's hard and somehow we are forced to dig DEEP within ourselves and function. His work outs and running, is clearly a way to keep distracted. He needs to be sane and functional for the sake of the kids and himself. Though as a parent, it's more about the kids then yourself. He's trying to detach himself and probably needs to get more space from you. It's clear that he still loves you but really, what more can he do to stay grounded and clear minded if he sees you everyday. As a bs sometimes you just need the space and not the constant reminder. I'm sure by now you have learned about triggers and how that's so hard for a BS to handle. You SS17 are most likely one of his triggers. He's learning how to cope and from what I understand about your latest argument, it was enough trigger to set him off. There are always so many thoughts going thru our minds that with the perfect ingredients, you got yourself a perfect storm. Hence last night. I'm a couple of months after dd myself and I find myself more times to count, being 1 step away from blowing up on WH as well. But I've learned to better handle the moment. But it's really hard. So while it sucked to be on your end of the words, it was probably a "black out" moment for him. What you probably witnessed last night was just him projecting what runs thru his head. It's not something we are proud off but it is what it is and with time we learn to cope better with it.

The dinners and conversations are a good sign. He is still wanting you around. And even though there's a D going thru, I think, as sucky as it is, that it's actually a good idea for you and swat. The way I see it, ending this marriage can be helpful to help you and swat start anew. Just because you two divorce doesn't mean that you can't be together. Keep working on yourself and maybe if the right progress is made, you can start a new stronger, honest, fully emotional opened marriage. I wish you both the best either way.

SoSorry17 posted 6/20/2014 14:44 PM

Aubrie, I agree with you about the journal. Not happening. The changes you described he went through before. I get he needs to deal with this in his own way.

I can't help but think this is different. I'm just getting a very bad vibe from this whole thing.

Aubrie posted 6/20/2014 14:48 PM

I can't help but think this is different. I'm just getting a very bad vibe from this whole thing.
And if it is??? You still can't do anything about it. Let go of the want to control and micromanage. I'm channeling my inner Disney. "Let it goooooooo, let it gooooooo!" Seriously. Focus on what you *can* control. Your path. Your healing.

yearsofpain25 posted 6/20/2014 15:06 PM

Normally I would agree with you all (I haven't read all the posts) and stay out of this, but I happen to agree with SoSorry here. I'm also in the worried about SWAT camp. This is bigger than SS. I don't think he's thinking clearly. I personally do not think he's in a good head space at the moment. I know I'm not the only one that thinks so.

ETA - That doesn't mean we need to panic or be dramatic about it. I think SWAT needs some support is all.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 3:07 PM, June 20th (Friday)]

NewWorldMan posted 6/20/2014 15:12 PM

It's one thing to be worried and another to want to step in and manipulate or control the outcome. SWAT has family members and a whole police force to lean on.

SS's overtures reek of manipulation and desperation. SWAT probably recognizes this too. He is probably suspicious of SS's "sudden" need to make sure he's ok.

nekonamida posted 6/20/2014 15:15 PM

I agree with you that he's not in a good head space, YoP. That is clear but what he's experiencing isn't abnormal. Drinking his nights away, looking dirty and disheveled, acting inattentive with the kids, blowing off work or putting everything in to work as a distraction - these are things someone who isn't functioning do and signs of depression. SWAT is doing none of these things. He's losing weight like all other BS but he's taking care of his body, translating his anger in to something more healthy like running and exercise, and working on himself. The IC wasn't doing it for him and he should try to find another IC but it's okay to drop an IC for not doing it for you. In fact, it's healthy. Understandably, he needs to get away for a little while. He's working on himself and he's not suicidal. He'll be fine. He needs our support that he's making the healthiest choices for himself right now. We advocate for survival and healing after all.

Sal1995 posted 6/20/2014 15:26 PM

He looks sick, he has lost way to much weight and none if his clothes fit.

This happened to my WW and me after D Day. Perfectly normal.

Really, can't a girl get a break?

You never know what life is going to give you, and really bad luck does find us from time-to-time. But I think for the most part we make our own breaks, good and bad.

Just from what I've read on here it sounds like life has given you some wonderful breaks recently. I'm sure you see how many of your "bad breaks" are actually just really bad choices that have predictable consequences.

Best wishes for you and your family's continued healing.

yearsofpain25 posted 6/20/2014 15:37 PM

Thank you nekonamida. Backing off

saturnpatrick posted 6/20/2014 16:29 PM

Hi SoSorry. As a BH I think swat is doing fine. I wish I did half as well as he is doing now. Personally I lost a ton of sleep, weight, and nearly lost my job. He's a BH hero right now. So I think you really don't have a reason to worry.

Now, back to you. I have a new why for you...

I've tried to just be helpful to him. I've offered to do his laundry since there isn't a washer or dryer in the barn. I've made him meals to take to work. He just says no thanks and he is fine.

He said he doesn't want your help. Since he doesn't want your help, why are you so eager to give it?

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 6/20/2014 16:47 PM

I've got a bad feeling the shit has hit the fan.

Can you clarify what you really mean by this? You said it directly after talking about him loading up his truck. Them you veered from the original topic discussing his health.

Then you go back to saying this

I can't help but think this is different. I'm just getting a very bad vibe from this whole thing.

What exactly are you talking about? I can't help but feel this is a little cryptic. That maybe you discussing his health is secondary to some other message you trying to get across.

nowiknow23 posted 6/20/2014 18:55 PM

So today I get a call from the county jail. AP is being released today. Then the DA's office calls to tell me he is getting sentenced next month.
Does SWAT know all this?

Mrs Panda posted 6/20/2014 21:18 PM

I have never written on your threads before. But I have followed your story and Your Bh.

When I was a cheater, I was a selfish bytch. When I was in R, I was as well.

I don't think you need to apologize for wanting R. For wanting to beg your BH for R. I am not sure that detaching and giving him space is right or not. All I can speak of is my personal experience. I smothered my BH with desperation and hope. I followed him around when he ran off to be angry. I begged him on my knees to stay. I remember running at full tilt after him when he left to drive around town drunk. Bad stuff.
I am not proud of those moments. On the other hand, if I had just turned away, I am not sure we would be together. I think at least for my BH, he needed to see that visceral, lowest-of-the low, sickness in me.

And then he needed to see I could recover.

I guess my point is... Do not be afraid to speak your mind and to put your heart on the line. Right now he may feel like you don't love him. I know words are cheap. But thy are something .

SandAway posted 6/20/2014 22:54 PM

I Know what your saying SS17 about SWAT's health. I saw the same thing. My BH lost 60 lbs in 5 months. As crazy as that sounds, it's true. He went from a size 36 to 30. He was way to thin. He was in shock and his adrenaline was pumping 24/7. That went on for almost 2 years.

It will slow down and he will gain some of that weight back. SWAT will be fine.

Great advise here SS17. Believe in the words and let go of the outcome.

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