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Jomarion posted 6/20/2014 14:45 PM

Please help. I have read all your advice, trying to sink it into my brain. I have phoned up the nearest CoDa group and plan to go there Monday. But my WS continues to astonish. He said he will not make a phone call to RESPECT,as he had promised, it would do no good. He says he's got to make the changes on his own. I said but it would do ME good for him to phone,help me feel safe with him,that he is serious about changing. He still said no. I am so hurt. I did tell him if he doesnot phone and go on a programme, I cannot stay with him. He still won't do it. He then gently says he loves me and kisses me tenderly on the cheek. Do you know how that rips me apart inside? At that point I just began to weep. He saw me weep. Did I give him more control when I wept in front of him?

I told him that I think he will not phone is because he is afraid of what they will say about him(he's a shit, he's insane, for example.) He says that is true.He says only he can change himself, not me, not anybody else. I said yes, that is true, but I ask him to do this for me.

When I get closer to pulling the plug on this relationship, so many pictures flood my brain of him happy with another woman, all I gave and did for him his using on another. His smiling horrible children happy he is 'over' me. My dreams of camping together, see the country together,his happiness when I am with him, all gone to another. And then I can't pull the plug. I guess it is intense jealousy thinking of him happy with another. I have never felt anything like this before.

One phone call he will not make. He says he could lie and just say he did it, but at least he is being truthful. He says it is control when I ask him to make the phone call. I call it caring for me and caring for the relationship.

I told him to stop doing work on my property. I don't want him to if he won't do this. He said he is still going to do work on my property, even when I ask him no.

Affairs are like relationship cancer. If there is 99% proof your loved one will die of the cancer, you still hold on to that 1% that says maybe no. During his affair, I held onto that 1% he wasn't having one, despite the 99% evidence otherwise. It is like that now for me. I and clutching onto that 1% hope we still could survive.

Why won't he make this one phone call for help? He says it is because he is scared. Am I being unreasonable? Am I being a controlling jerk?

How can I stop the pictures of him happy with another woman on the broken back of all I did for him and gave him.

k94ever posted 6/20/2014 14:51 PM

The pictures will stop when you really and truly understand he is a serial cheater.

I read your profile. There IS no such thing as "mini cheating".

He doesn't respect you.

You deserve better.

k9

kiki1 posted 6/20/2014 14:53 PM

By remembering how little he is willing to do for you, how little he demonstrates how much you mean to him.

Instead, think of how happy you'd be if another woman took him.

not your problem anymore!!

Detach Jomarion. He wants to work around your house? Fine! Lock it up while he's outside and go for a ride. shop, drive, visit.

Dont give him the satisfaction of seeing you broken over him. Your stroking his ego while he's doing nothing for your healing.

hugs Jomarion

nekorb posted 6/21/2014 07:28 AM

He then gently says he loves me and kisses me tenderly on the cheek

Flat out manipulation there, Jomarion.

FTG. Who gives a shit if he's happy with OW? You know deep inside it won't be true happiness, because he's a broken person, and broken people don't experience TRUE happiness.

Those are the kinds of things I have to think to myself to keep me detached and from caring about what WH is doing. Otherwise it just hurts too badly.

Heal YOUrself. Find YOUr happiness - without him.

180!

deena04 posted 6/21/2014 08:51 AM

Ok close your eyes. Imagine how happy you will be with a deserving person or by yourself. You can go camping, visit people that love you, and do those things you want all without giving another ounce of energy to him or his horrible smiling children. Turn it to that channel. It's better programming.

jaime2014 posted 6/21/2014 10:01 AM

Right now you don't see him for who he is. We all do, but you don't & that is normal. I know what it feels like to sit by the phone & spend my day hoping & wishing a certain someone would call or comeback, but I also believe people are right where they want to be. In due time, you will see this asshat for who he is. He is now her problem and if that girl doesn't think he will do the same to her, she has another thing coming. Give it time. It will take time to heal. Make sure you are sleeping & when you can, make yourself go out with friends. This is a must. And when you really get some strength, go get done up & take some sexy pics. That helped me anyway ;-) Just know you have been heard.

luvedmypbear posted 6/21/2014 10:20 AM

(((Jomarion)))

When my fiance told me he needed a break from our 5 yr old relationship to figure things out I had no clue he would marry his girlfriend on the side two months later in Vegas. I was shocked, jealous and couldn't stop wishing I was her.
Over time and with a lot of help (Al-Anon meetings helped me lose the codependency and detach) I began to realize I would never want to be her or him for that matter. I would never want to build a married life with someone whom I know lied, cheated and destroyed another human being. I would not want that. This destroyed the movies. Years later, I looked at him on facebook......They are still married, appear happy and have children. He is a successful lawyer after I spent years encouraging him to even go to college to begin with.
But at least I felt indifference and never looked again.
My ex husband (who came years later)destroyed me way worse than the first guy ever did....so I am left with a lot of rebuilding to accomplish to understand why my picker is broken but have peace that the drama has subsided.
You will get there. The pictures will fade, you will rise up. You don't want to be with someone who is capable of that, trust me. Not the actions of a good person and you deserve goodness.