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who decides if an issue is a real issue? when does it become one

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Alyssamd24 posted 6/20/2014 16:40 PM

At one point does a partners issues with the other become an actual issue? Where is the line between being a nag, and not having needs met? Is there a line or does the person doing the nagging just need to suck it up and get over it?

Who gets to decide whether or not it is an issue?

rachelc posted 6/20/2014 16:50 PM

this is very...unclear?

If my husband throws his dirty socks on the floor and never picks them up I'm going to have an issue with that. He obviously doenst have an issue with socks on the floor. BUT, if one partner does I think the other is obligated to at least look at it.

Marriage is a team sport.

Aubrie posted 6/20/2014 16:57 PM

Way too vague.

We talking dirty dishes left on the table or a hidden drug habit?

Each situation would get a different response from me. Depends on the severity of the issue.

Dishes? No biggie. Whatever. Drugs? Ima kill a fool.

Alyssamd24 posted 6/20/2014 17:34 PM

Sorry for the vague post. Its more of the dirty socks....I know dirty socks themselves are not an issue...but its like constantly asking my BH to do certain things around the house and never having them done....like anything from cleaning up after himself to making sure DD brushes her teeth before school and ensuring she eats a healthy breakfast.

Im probably gonna get thrown 2x4s for this....cuz I know what I did is far more serious than forgetting to wash dishes or follow through on vacation planning. ..but I feel like im not being heard.

AML04 posted 6/21/2014 05:20 AM

Alyssa-was he like that pre-A? If so, I'd say discuss it in MC. Yes you had the A but you have decided to R so your need for communication and to be heard should be addressed or it will build resentment in you.

If not, then you might need to tread more lightly. I'd still say bring it up in MC but know it's going to be something he might have to work out.

It sounds like an issue that comes up in a lot of Ms at some point. As people who are SI, I think we become much more sensitive to these. Some WS go above and beyond trying to show the BS how much they appreciate the gift of R, but you can't keep that up if you start to resent it. As a BS, I wouldn't expect that forever anyway. Some BS become overly sensitive to non-A related things as well. "He's not picking up his socks, he must not love me." It can be maddening.

I guess what I'm saying is step back and look, is this an A issue or an M issue? At some point they have to be differentiated. Are you there yet?

Alyssamd24 posted 6/21/2014 08:21 AM

Thank you AM. This is a M issue....it was an issue before my A but has not been resolved yet.

We are not in MC right now...we were for a while but decided we didnt like the C cuz she was trying to place the blame of my A on my BH and fixated on the XAP.

I have been searching for a new C but haven't found one yet. I know that I need to definitely get back into IC.

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