"First the fall, and then the recovery from the fall, and both are the mercy of God."†óJulian of Norwich
Then, go to Healing Library which is just above Dr. Phil's face. FAQ for BS will help.
Don't just skim these no matter how painful reading them may be.
Your Wandering Husband (WH) is in a Long Term Affair (LTA) and from the little you've posted, not at all ready to end it. If he's not ready to end it, you can't Reconcile (R) with only one person doing the reconciling. So you have to detach, using the tips provided in the 180 to steel yourself to the fact that the Marriage (M) might end. It also has the potential benefit of letting WH know how life on his own will be, too.
Might be too early, but also consider meeting with a lawyer to learn rights and responsibilities in the event of Divorce (D). Know the issues: support, custody, property division, pension rights, medical insurance, time for proceedings, costs and fees, and have an estimate of assets and liabilities. Many lawyers will meet for free and spend some time explaining these issues to you.
Finally, read some of the JFO threads here. You will learn that those who do what the voices of experience tell them tend to do better (i.e. shorter times of the pain you are feeling) as they feel some empowerment.
I don't know if you are still reading this, but from my experience the single most important thing you can do now, if you want to save you marriage, is to tell the other woman's husband. When both Affair partners have a reason to stop, the hope is that one of them will be sure they want their marriage. The affair ends. Perhaps equally important, he deserves to know. Over time, he will eventually find out. To him, it will feel like you were complicit in their lies if you don't tell. (Some here will disagree about whether you actually were complicit).
Affairs are built on secrets and lies. Destroy the lies so that everyone involved is dealing with truth.
BH (Me) 49
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R
For now, focus on you. Get healthy by removing him and your relationship with him as the primary focus. Once he is not the beginning, middle and end of your existence, you will be able to put things in proper perspective and make rational decisions.
The role of a MC (and especially a religious based one) is to do everything possible to keep both of you in the marriage. As a result, they will probably ask you to rug sweep and forgive instead of looking out for your interests. As you will find out from reading here, that type of approach will cause you much harm and ultimately be bad for your marriage prospects.
Read up on the 180 and impliment it.
Just remember: You. Will. Be. Okay.
It will be miserable and painful and hard, but you will make it through. Sending you all the strength I can via the Internet.
Concentrate on you. You are a special, unique, and wonderful human being. Don't ever forget that.
Well actions speak louder then words and three days later he went on a 4 day weekend with her.
I agree - skip the counseling. He'll just lie and say whatever he thinks will bring you back around. This man is toxic.
This ends when YOU end it. The only reason this is in your life is because you haven't removed it. I don't say that to be harsh - but to hopefully get you to see that you can get away from this whenever you choose.
First - as was said - tell her husband. Telling OBS means you are BOTH watching, seeing what they're up to, etc. She'll have so much to deal with if her BH knows, she'll be hard pressed to continue with your H.
As for you, you asked him to leave. If you mean that, the next time he leaves and doesn't come back, then it's time for 'hefty bags'. What that means is this: Grab some hefty bags, throw his clothes and any items that are exclusively his into them, and put them on the lawn, or in the garage. Lock the door and move some furniture in front. Then text him, tell him where his things are, and that he no longer is welcome in your home.
You don't deserve this. He's clearly beaten you down emotionally if you're still dealing with this.
I don't really understand where OW's H is. Does he travel? How is your H able to spend the night with her, or go away for long weekends?
Hefty bag, seriously. Call some friends over for support. Post here. But please, don't fall for his lies about what he's going to do anymore. He's not going to change, because he has no reason to change. He has his girlfriend and his wife. He has his fun with her and his stability with you. He will only change when his life is going to change whether he likes it or not. That's when he'll decide what is really important. 99% of the time, that's the BS. If, for some reason, it isn't in this case, just think of how many more months or years of pain you saved yourself by getting this drama nightmare out of your life.