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Honoring a Friend. 21 years after her suicide.

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FindMyselfAgain posted 6/20/2014 23:33 PM

WARNING: This is long.

There are many personal reasons for sharing this, but that would distract the focus of this post. For perspective's sake, I would like to share that I wrote this at the age of 15 the day after she was laid to rest. Today is the first I have shared it with anyone.

Please allow me to introduce you to the first (and until very recently) only REAL friend I had:

Meika says
it is time to contemplate our being here.
Meika says
now is not the time to be normal,
and she shaves her head.

And I don't want to be here
with the papers strewn around my feet.
I don't want to be here
where everything is obsolete.

But Meika wears
bright red lipstick
and black eyeliner
and she dabs perfume on her chin.
So I think if I really tried,
I think if I really focused,
I think I could love Meika.

Meika puts the bottle to her mouth,
says she's doing it for the pain, not the pleasure.
Meika closes her eyes and waits for it to take effect,
and she smiles at me and says
I am the most beautiful soul she's ever met.
I look away -
I've got nothing new to say.

And I don't want to be here
with all these empty bottles
filled with all these empty memories.
And I don't want to be here
where all the lights seem too harsh.

But Meika wears
bright red lipstick
and black eyeliner
and she's got a tatoo of a dolphin.
So I think if I really tried,
I think if I really focused,
I think I could love Meika.

Meika sits in the corner of the room
playing solitaire.
She says, "even in a crowd you are alone,"
and she brushes a tear from my cheek.
Meika lies naked in the snow,
says she is happy just to be here with me.
And I nod and never reply -
I have no honesty to give to her.

And I don't want to be here
where everyone wears a mask.
And I don't want to be here
where the little things you do go unnoticed.

But Meika wears
bright red lipstick
and black eyeliner
and she knows all the words to Ave Maria.
So I think if I really tried,
I think if I really focused,
I think I could love Meika.

It's 12:30pm on God's Holy Day
and the rain is falling on everyone
except Meika and me.
And her mother comes to me with smeared mascara -
says, "I never really knew Meika.
If you don't mind, I'd like to get to know you."
And I turned my back...
I'd rather not try.

And I don't want to be here
with the priest and his blessings.
I don't want to be here
dressed in black.
I don't want to be here
where Meika's name falls from
everyone's lips like a disease.

But Meika wore
bright red lipstick
and black eyeliner
and she said she loved me more than Bob Dylan.
So, Meika,
I tried.
And, Meika,
everything is in focus now.
So, if it's not too late,
Meika,
I love you too.


*********************************
As a sorta sidenote, when she was buried, Meika was not wearing bright red lipstick or black eyeliner...

Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to read this, and to help me honor a friend whose lessons in love still affect me today.

MovingUpward posted 6/21/2014 06:29 AM

(((Meika and FindMyselfAgain)))

I know that this was probably really tough to share. I am not sure what to say but your beautiful writing brought tears to my eyes.

metamorphisis posted 6/21/2014 09:07 AM

If it's possible, you just literally made me 15 again for a few moments while I read.

Thank you for sharing Meika and yourself with us.

unfound posted 6/21/2014 09:24 AM

this is absolutely the most beautiful, expressive and poignant thing I've ever read.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.
Thank you for sharing her, and these words with us.


((findmyselfagain))

yearsofpain25 posted 6/21/2014 10:28 AM

I've been crying for 5 minutes now. Thank you for sharing that. Very beautiful. Very sorry for your loss.

jo2love posted 6/21/2014 10:39 AM

(((FindMyself)))

I'm so sorry for your loss. That is a beautiful, touching poem.

FindMyselfAgain posted 6/21/2014 11:05 AM

Thank you for helping me to honor her memory. It is long overdue, she was an amazing young woman. And sharing her with all of you, even after all these years, has brought about a new sense of peace for me. Thank you, again.

lynnm1947 posted 6/21/2014 11:16 AM

Beautiful poetry. Even more beautiful sentiment. (((FindMyselfAgain)))

As a former editor, I suggest you find a place to publish it so other FindMyselfAgains can learn to love their Meikas.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 11:17 AM, June 21st (Saturday)]

persevere posted 6/21/2014 11:32 AM

If it's possible, you just literally made me 15 again for a few moments while I read.
I felt exactly the same way when I read it.

Thank you for sharing that with us FindingMyselfAgain.

FindMyselfAgain posted 6/21/2014 13:51 PM

Caught up in my own strange web of emotions, the tears have been flowing at the beautiful responses from you. Her friendship and the sudden loss of it have had a profound affect on me and how I have been living my life, both positively and negatively. Thank you for letting me share, and I so appreciate the kind words and compassion you are sending my way. I don't know all the reasons I felt so compelled to post this, but I'm glad I did.

Random thoughts posted 6/21/2014 14:12 PM

Thank You for sharing this with us.

FindMyselfAgain posted 7/3/2014 08:28 AM

bump for t2g

(t2g)

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