SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

toturedsoulhere posted 6/21/2014 00:41 AM

I guess I am on this site, so I know. As if about 6 months ago, I have been convinced that my wife has been cheating - i now suspect that she has been cheating for years. I have zero proof. - just a gut feeling. She denies it emphatically And says I am crazy - wants me to go on drugs to cope with my unfounded jealousy . We have kids - so there is a lot at stake. I would divorce if I knew for a fact she had cheated. I won't put my kids through a divorce unless I know. What to do, what to do, what to do... Am I just jealous and overly suspicious?

healingroad posted 6/21/2014 01:04 AM

You need some evidence. What behaviors are you seeing in your wife? What opportunities would she have to cheat? What would her motive be?

MadeOfScars posted 6/21/2014 01:10 AM

Welcome to the best site you never wanted to be a part of. We really have a great group here, even if we met for reasons we wish never happened.

Let me preface this by saying I don't know all the circumstances here, so don't take my word as gospel. That said, from my experience and from many here, we all regret not listening to our gut. The heart blinds us to what our eyes see.

She denies it emphatically And says I am crazy - wants me to go on drugs to cope with my unfounded jealousy

If she has nothing to hide, why say something like that? Sounds like blameshifting.

There were no children in my situation so I won't comment much in that regard. The fact that you're here and that you're gut is screaming at you deserves follow up. Be careful, protect yourself and your children, and make her come clean rather than insult your intelligence. Strength to you brother. We have your back regardless of how this ends up.

Credence posted 6/21/2014 01:17 AM

Your gut is telling you that all is not as it seems - trust your gut. That's not to say that she is definitely cheating but that you need to start looking for evidence of infidelity.

Check her phone bills, bank statements, email etc. for clues. Is there anything specific that has led you to believe that she is being unfaithful? Has her behaviour changed? Is she paying more attention to her appearance, going out more, spending nights away from home, hanging out with new people that you don't know? These are all subtle clues that she might be cheating.

I wouldn't suggest doing anything rash until you have evidence, especially since there are children involved.

WildRose posted 6/21/2014 01:44 AM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. That nagging feeling... it's awful. And it's not there for nothing. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, you need to look into that and get more info.

The answer to "what to do" is find out. I agree that you need evidence.

With so much at stake, it sounds to me like it would be worth talking to a professional. Maybe seek private, individual counseling to get professional advice on how to figure out what's going on with you and your wife. Maybe seek out a PI and get photo proof of whatever's going on. If divorce is possible, you'd want a paper trail.

It strikes me as very, very weird that your wife wants you to medicate yourself because of your "jealousy." I feel like an honest partner would be more concerned and loving, rather than saying something to make you feel there's something wrong with you that needs medical "fixing."

I don't know your situation in any detail, but I do know from experience that it's not uncommon for untrustworthy partners to go out of their way to make you question yourself. An untrustworthy partner doesn't want you listening to your gut.

nekorb posted 6/21/2014 07:16 AM

wants me to go on drugs to cope with my unfounded jealousy

I'm fairly sure that's on the Wayward's Quick Start Guide to Blameshifting.

Can you look at her phone? See her texts? Email? Check the phone records?

As the others have said, you need evidence. Then you can confront and make decisions appropriately for the REAL situation.

craig2001 posted 6/21/2014 07:57 AM

What signs do you see that makes you think she is cheating.

A guy feeling almost always goes along with signs of cheating.

What makes you think she has and or is cheating?

You do need evidence at this time.

You can put a gps tracker in her car. If she has the right phone, maybe it can track her.

Phone bills, texts, deleted texts, facebook, etc.

Why do you think she has cheated?

It is completely fruitless to accuse her of cheating without some kind of proof other than just telling her, I feel it.

Also: Stop accusing her right now. Stop mentioning it until you have real and solid proof. Otherwise, she will become more cautious making it much harder for you to find anything.

Just drop the subject with her completely. Make her think you forgot all about it. That will make her maybe a little more at east and less cautious, which will make it easier to get proof if she is messing around.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 8:02 AM, June 21st (Saturday)]

Alonelyagain posted 6/21/2014 08:09 AM

I'm very sorry that you find yourself in this position. I was in the same position, suspicions but no supporting evidence, with kids. I hired a PI who installed keystroke monitor on our joint computer (May be important distinction in some states) and GPS tracker on car. Never found anything on computer and PI was beginning to think that my case was the first where his client's gut was wrong. But after about a week, the GPS tracker recorded repeated hits at OM's house.

Losconang15 posted 6/21/2014 08:10 AM

I agree with pp. Also wanted to add that yes trust your gut. I too was told that I was crazy, that I was the one that needed to work on my issues of insecurity, I was the one causing our problems, that I was the one pushing him away with the constant nonsense, etc. So much so that I started a depression because I believe him that I WAS the one with the problem. DD was sort of a beautiful catastrophe. Beautiful that I realized I wasn't crazy. It was weight lifting off my shoulders but replaced with anger for allowing the jackass to make me feel completely otherwise. I was going crazy prior but lesson learned. My gut was spot on and I won't dismiss it ever again.

steadychevy posted 6/21/2014 09:44 AM

Trust your gut. I argued with mine but my gut was right. I did so many things wrong. It lead to her having a 3 to 4 year PA with a co-worker. I confronted without proof so many times. Always denied. Many lies.

Her OM had been caught by his wife cheating and was in the process of getting a divorce when he zeroed in on my WW. He got caught from phone records (not with my WW). He and my WW decided to never talk using her cell phone so she wouldn't get caught. Phone records and e-mails did not work for me. They talked at work on the work phone system - no record available for me. I contacted his wife but she had no help because they were separated but she told me to - Trust my gut.

I wish I would have found SI back in 2002. I didn't. I found lots of sites about catching a cheating spouse which I tried to do but failed for a number of reasons I won't get into here.

If you can afford it (can you afford NOT to) hire a PI. I wish I would have. Get irrefutable evidence. Blow up the fantasy. If you don't you may end up like me feeling like I betrayed myself for not doing more with a WW with an LTA and another 7 years of denial. I can tell you this - it is no way to live - a huge hole in my life.

I also found out once there was a confession (Sept. 1, 2013) that I was totally unprepared for the consequences. I had been 80% sure of the LTA but I totally fell apart following DDay. Suicidal. Can't eat, can't sleep, crushed, feeling pain like no other, feeling like I surely couldn't live with pain so severe - surely the pain would kill you. I am just telling you this so you will prepare yourself. If your gut is right (it usually is) the worst is yet to come.

I am so sorry you are here. But like I said, I wish I would have found SI back then. You will find some painfully gained experience here. Listen to it. These people have lived through this. They know. They understand. The stories while different are so much the same.

Look after yourself.

Ted

craig2001 posted 6/25/2014 16:47 PM

Did you ever confirm if your gut feelings were right or wrong?

Badhurt posted 6/25/2014 17:11 PM

There has to be some behavior that is causing your gut to think there is something going on. There are a lot of people on here that can help you and make suggestions but need more specifics as to what is the cause of your anxiety.
Stop giving her warnings. Look into key loggers, GPS, VAR in her car, and there are other tech tools if you are a techie.
Post more about specifics and you will get more help

Shattered2020 posted 6/25/2014 17:22 PM

Like everyone has stated TRUST YOUR GUT, I think its obvious that we all wished we had. And like Losconang15, I was told I was crazy, insecure, if I am accusing him of something like that what must I be doing? Do not let her shift this onto you, it will drive you crazy, to the point that you start rationalizing it. If that's what he says then it must be true, nothing going on and I AM THE CRAZY ONE. Don't let her force you down that road, its just maddening.