Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961
Let me preface this by saying I don't know all the circumstances here, so don't take my word as gospel. That said, from my experience and from many here, we all regret not listening to our gut. The heart blinds us to what our eyes see.
She denies it emphatically And says I am crazy - wants me to go on drugs to cope with my unfounded jealousy
If she has nothing to hide, why say something like that? Sounds like blameshifting.
There were no children in my situation so I won't comment much in that regard. The fact that you're here and that you're gut is screaming at you deserves follow up. Be careful, protect yourself and your children, and make her come clean rather than insult your intelligence. Strength to you brother. We have your back regardless of how this ends up.
Check her phone bills, bank statements, email etc. for clues. Is there anything specific that has led you to believe that she is being unfaithful? Has her behaviour changed? Is she paying more attention to her appearance, going out more, spending nights away from home, hanging out with new people that you don't know? These are all subtle clues that she might be cheating.
I wouldn't suggest doing anything rash until you have evidence, especially since there are children involved.
The answer to "what to do" is find out. I agree that you need evidence.
With so much at stake, it sounds to me like it would be worth talking to a professional. Maybe seek private, individual counseling to get professional advice on how to figure out what's going on with you and your wife. Maybe seek out a PI and get photo proof of whatever's going on. If divorce is possible, you'd want a paper trail.
It strikes me as very, very weird that your wife wants you to medicate yourself because of your "jealousy." I feel like an honest partner would be more concerned and loving, rather than saying something to make you feel there's something wrong with you that needs medical "fixing."
I don't know your situation in any detail, but I do know from experience that it's not uncommon for untrustworthy partners to go out of their way to make you question yourself. An untrustworthy partner doesn't want you listening to your gut.
wants me to go on drugs to cope with my unfounded jealousy
I'm fairly sure that's on the Wayward's Quick Start Guide to Blameshifting.
Can you look at her phone? See her texts? Email? Check the phone records?
As the others have said, you need evidence. Then you can confront and make decisions appropriately for the REAL situation.
A guy feeling almost always goes along with signs of cheating.
What makes you think she has and or is cheating?
You do need evidence at this time.
You can put a gps tracker in her car. If she has the right phone, maybe it can track her.
Phone bills, texts, deleted texts, facebook, etc.
Why do you think she has cheated?
It is completely fruitless to accuse her of cheating without some kind of proof other than just telling her, I feel it.
Also: Stop accusing her right now. Stop mentioning it until you have real and solid proof. Otherwise, she will become more cautious making it much harder for you to find anything.
Just drop the subject with her completely. Make her think you forgot all about it. That will make her maybe a little more at east and less cautious, which will make it easier to get proof if she is messing around.
[This message edited by craig2001 at 8:02 AM, June 21st (Saturday)]
Her OM had been caught by his wife cheating and was in the process of getting a divorce when he zeroed in on my WW. He got caught from phone records (not with my WW). He and my WW decided to never talk using her cell phone so she wouldn't get caught. Phone records and e-mails did not work for me. They talked at work on the work phone system - no record available for me. I contacted his wife but she had no help because they were separated but she told me to - Trust my gut.
I wish I would have found SI back in 2002. I didn't. I found lots of sites about catching a cheating spouse which I tried to do but failed for a number of reasons I won't get into here.
If you can afford it (can you afford NOT to) hire a PI. I wish I would have. Get irrefutable evidence. Blow up the fantasy. If you don't you may end up like me feeling like I betrayed myself for not doing more with a WW with an LTA and another 7 years of denial. I can tell you this - it is no way to live - a huge hole in my life.
I also found out once there was a confession (Sept. 1, 2013) that I was totally unprepared for the consequences. I had been 80% sure of the LTA but I totally fell apart following DDay. Suicidal. Can't eat, can't sleep, crushed, feeling pain like no other, feeling like I surely couldn't live with pain so severe - surely the pain would kill you. I am just telling you this so you will prepare yourself. If your gut is right (it usually is) the worst is yet to come.
I am so sorry you are here. But like I said, I wish I would have found SI back then. You will find some painfully gained experience here. Listen to it. These people have lived through this. They know. They understand. The stories while different are so much the same.
Look after yourself.