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Shinypenny posted 6/21/2014 08:18 AM

Forgive me as I am mostly still confused about all the acronyms...

Two weeks ago I accidentally grabbed my husband's phone and saw a text that came in at 1:30 am that said 'I really miss you". I didn't say anything and the next morning I checked on purpose and a woman had sent him a selfie in her underwear. I confronted him. He came clean that she was a fan of his band and he had met her at a show, gone to get drinks twice, and made out with her. (In his car with our toddler's car seat in the back- gross!) He does not have feelings for this person and basically said he thought he could justify it as long as it didn't go too far. I made him write her a no contact message. He granted me immediate access to his Facebook account and email accounts. He confessed to his band mates and took a break from the band to work on our marriage. Everything seemed to be on track to reconciliation and even making our bond and marriage stronger than before. Then I started checking email and Facebook message history. I cannot say that he has or hasn't been sleeping around (he says no) but there are volumes of messages with other band fan girls and others like ex girlfriends where he flirts shamelessly, telling them how hot they are, trying to meet with them, etc. From reading them all, I don't think any meetings ever happened. In a lot of these he is very disloyal to me. Telling them things that he sees as faults in me, basically painting me as an uncool downer type of person. Then I found a reply he left to a personal ad on Craigslist. This person appears to have not responded to his reply, but who the hell does this? Who is this person? How do you get past something like that? If we didn't have a kid, I would have been gone, but I feel like I owe it to my child to give it a shot. I'm just lost. It's not even really about the girl that I caught. It's about what I haven't caught and his apparent need to do dangerous things and disrespect me at every turn. He seems upset with himself. He told me it's like a nightmare and he doesn't even know who he is. But what does that mean to me? Sorry if I'm rambling.

shortyneedshlep posted 6/21/2014 08:50 AM

I'm not an expert. I just opened up here last night. I have read the FAQs and think that the regret vs. remorse material would be helpful to both of you. I suggest you make him read the WS FAQ and maybe even the BS FAQ so he knows were you are and what is expected of him. Wikihow also has "how to rebuilt your spouse's trust after an affari" which doesn't have as much content as the FAQs but I asked my wife, who I discovered and a long term affair 12 days ago, to read. It seemed to help.

I know you are hurting. I am too.

Rambling helps me. I wrote a couple of very long posts and found that just getting it said drys my eyes.

Take care of yourself first and foremost. My doctor asked a few questions and helped me get some sleep and eat a full meal for the first time in days!

katiescarlett posted 6/21/2014 09:19 AM

This was what my WH was doing too, trying to "hook up" with girls on FB and myspace. He didn't stop even when I was pregnant. I don't believe anyone took the bait but it was crushing all the same. I totally rugswept it and it still causes problems in our relationship 6+ years later. I fully believe if my WH had the opportunity to cheat he would. My WH always said he would never have slept with them he just wanted an ego boost because his self-esteem was shit.

Sorry, I know how much it hurts.

Shinypenny posted 6/21/2014 09:30 AM

Thank you for your support. Katiescarlett I know just how you feel too. One message thread to an ex girlfriend was particularly hurtful as he even mentions to her at the time that I was 7 months pregnant. I'm afraid to keep looking because I'm afraid what else I will find.

[This message edited by Shinypenny at 9:31 AM, June 21st (Saturday)]

sad12008 posted 6/21/2014 09:31 AM

(((Shinypenny)))

First, welcome to SI...I'm really glad you found us just as I am really sorry you had reason to need us. However, you won't find a better group of people and you are no longer alone dealing with this.

Wow. From what you describe, it sounds like --at best-- your H has extremely poor boundaries and a need for a lot of ego stroking. Maybe I'm having a moment's struggle with transference issues...but it sounds like you found the tip of the iceberg.

My H didn't initially 'confess' to anything I couldn't nail him to the floor on with details I knew....I don't think he was particularly special in that regard, it's just he had a LONG history of infidelity so his lies of omission were quite substantial.

Your H is a broken person. A healthy married person doesn't make out with a stranger in the shadow of a carseat...or respond to Craigslist personal ads...or exhibit any of the other special cheater behaviors. Is your H seeking some individual therapy to dig out why he felt entitled to abandon his vows to you and needed so much external validation?

At this point, due to his massive lies of omission, I would only trust what you can verify, and assume there may be much more than what he's confessed to. You don't mention how long you've been together; you did note your child's young. Is music his full-time profession or something he does in addition to another line of work? (The reason I ask is not to snoop but rather that IMHO, there are professions and/or working situations that can make R especially difficult.)

I can still remember how I felt when I first posted what I'd discovered on DDay 1: namely, that my FWH had a secret "mySpace" account with one friend, a female. Feeling a little defensive when I read replies warning that there might be a lot more to the story...but I'm glad it put that thought in my head, because if you read my profile you'll see that oh boy were they ever right!

I wouldn't trust that he just made out with her...that text implies more than a fleeting casual encounter. I'd definitely think about STD testing. I wouldn't reveal what you've learned from the history if you haven't already; I'd try to find out as much as I could before....others may have differing opinions on this.

Two weeks is a very short period of time in the R process.

I highly recommend getting a copy of the book, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Excellent reading, my hands-down favorite book on infidelity.

doggiediva posted 6/21/2014 09:49 AM

He needs to feel the hard bite of consequences..
If he doesn't know who he is there are ways to find out by digging deep and getting good counseling..
Some WS's R because they want the security/support of the marriage with the spouse at home, but they try to have their cake on the side too..
So take money and family security off of the table and see what you have left of the marriage.....Do this decisively and permanently to protect yourself..He will have to actually do some real work to grow up and earn your love, trust and respect back..

Shinypenny posted 6/21/2014 09:53 AM

I trust nothing about what he says right now. I don't know how I ever will. I have assumed from the beginning that what I find is only part of what is happening. We have been calling around to get marriage counseling and I suggested last week that he has some inner serial need that he should address through individual counseling. We have been together for 11 years, married for almost 5 and we have a 2 year old. The messages go back to 2008. We met in 2003 and moved in together in 2004. Music is a hobby of his. He is employed in a day job. I feel like his band feeds into the need for validation and also gives him opportunities he otherwise would not have. However, the issues go beyond that. He also accepts random females as friends on Facebook to flirt with. It grosses me out!

Howie posted 6/21/2014 10:47 AM

A real relationship can only be based on trust.At some point, when you are stronger and you've thought things thru, I think you are going to need the big session with him, telling him that you don't believe him now, that you want the full truth about what has been and his future commitment to a life of honesty and fidelity with you, that you are willing to work towards that with him IF he is. I don't sense you've had quite the full crises conversation yet that may be essential for a real future.Im sorry you're here-I know how bad it is.

Lark posted 6/21/2014 11:07 AM

Hugs!

Checking your phone history may be helpful. My husband did some by email and snapchat, but most correspondence was via texting on his phone. If you can, access your phone records from a computer - they're far more thorough than going through a smartphone (at least with our carrier).

My husband had sex next to, or after removing, our toddler's carseat. It is disgusting and horrifying. I cant even imagine what goes through their head when the carseat is right there. I have an urge to burn the car seat, but so far have refrained.

Books that have been useful to me and my husband were How to Help Your Spouse Heal aand then NOT Just Friends. Communication did a 180 after my husband read How to Help and I also felt the book was spot on for my feelings.

Theres lots of good resources here. Its the worst and best place to be

[This message edited by Lark at 11:08 AM, June 21st (Saturday)]