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The gloves came off at MC..

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LiedtoLucy posted 6/21/2014 11:49 AM

My bitch boots are on. I finally found that magical place where I have let go of the outcome of the M. For the first time since D-day, I know that I will be ok even if we D.

I had been trying to tell my H for weeks that we can not keep working opposite schedules. It is not working. My kids get to spend very little time with my H. He works and sleeps. That is all. I, on the other hand, work, come home, cook dinner, play with kids, maybe go swimming, come back, give baths, put kids to bed, clean up the kitchen, do a couple of loads of laundry and got to bed between midnight and 1am. Just to get up at 5:30 am and start over. There are still things that don't get done. Lots of them.

If you know my story, my H's A was with a single co-worker and happened during the night shift at the same job he still works at. She doesn't work there any more. But on D-day, my requirements in order to R were for him to find another job and no more night shifts. He agreed, but never did anything about it.

We have discussed it so many times. I can't live like this. His answer is always, we need the money, we have to get out of debt and then I will stop working nights. Every time he works his usual 6 night stretch, I spiral way down into the rabbit hole, only partially emerging on his days off before he starts all over again. On his days off he is not pleasant and always tired. Sleeps the majority of several days away to "catch up."

So at MC I spelled it out. I told him I can't do it and that if he wants to continue working nights, he certainly can, but we will not be married.

It isn't just the nights. He has been so emotionally detached. When he isn't working, we do stuff together and we have fun, but I feel disconnected from him. He doesn't talk to me about whatever is rolling around in his head. He doesn't try to help me understand his A. We are not on the same team. There is a push/pull taking place. If I am upset about something, H tries to make understand why I should not be upset rather than validate that I have a reason to be upset. He gets defensive. For instance, at MC after I told him what I had to say about the state of our M and what needs to be better, he is angry...he is sitting on the other end of the MC's sofa stewing.

I start to explain how I don't like the fact that he never took the initiative to find another job after he said he would. I explain how when he is at work I think about how he and OW worked there together for over 3 years. They hung out in the break room, in the parking lot sitting in one of their cars after work. I explained how it makes me sick that his co-workers know about his A. It humiliates me. His response, "Do you think that all of that doesn't bother me?!?!?" I said, "Idk, does it? Because I have no idea how you feel about anything!"

MC stopped us there and said to my H, "Right there! That was the perfect opportunity to offer LTL some reassurance and let her know that you are sorry that you blew a bomb up in her life, but instead, you are focused on your own shame, guilt, and pain and it has NO place in this conversation as well as the conversation about money. This conversation is about LTL's pain and what she needs from YOU to heal. It is not a competition over who has the most pain."

After MC he drove around for a while. Came home. Crawled in the bed pulled the covers up and withdrew. I gave him some time and then went in to talk to him. He was crying.

He said, "I took the wind out of his sails and that he thought we were doing pretty well." How the hell could he think that when I have been telling him over and over how I can't keep living like this. He hasn't even been listening. He thinks he is doing the right thing by holding me at arm's length while he works his ass off to get us out of debt. He thought I was ok. What the hell?

I told him that i came to a realization that I have choices and I will be ok with or without him. If he wants our M to work things have got to change. If we divorced right now the only thing that would change is my H would have to spend more time with the kids...yes visitation would be more time than he is with them now... One of us would live somewhere else. And I would get child support. Pretty scary now close we are to D and my H thought things were "good."

I think he understands now and I think he wants to change. I guess we will see.

Thanks for listening!

jaime2014 posted 6/21/2014 12:18 PM

As I say in most of these posts, you have to be willing to end your marriage in order to save it. If your requirement for reconciliation is not being met...there's the door. Don't wait for him to leave...YOU LEAVE. Ever see a parent do a countdown to a child acting up, 1....2....3. Unfortunately most of these WS are manchildren. You have to do the same with them, although it sounds like in your case you have counted wayyyy past 3, time is up! Of course he still hasn't done what you wanted, because he knows you'll just keep counting away, but you won't actually do anything. I bet if you up 'n left & gave him a good scare, he would be working his butt off to do what needs to be done. It not until you have both feet out the door, that they all of a sudden will do "anything." Like I said...manchildren.

Didact posted 6/21/2014 13:05 PM

My WW took six month Leave of Absence to help work on our M. We were working opposite schedules as well. If you financially can afford it, it helps.

Somedays I'm still not sure our M will make it. I am quite sure our odds were much worse without her willingness to take the time off.

Flourgirl posted 6/21/2014 13:33 PM

I had that conversation too. My WH took a job out of state without talking to me first. So now he lives apart from us 3 days a week. I wouldn't move with him and he was shocked. He thought we were doing so well. I had just told him I wanted a divorce and would give him until July to prove to me that he wants this M. How does that even make sense? They have selective hearing you say thank you for something and they hear all is forgiven. Try giving him a cut off date and stick to it. If he isn't looking for a job after that he's not going to. You need to be happy to. That extra cash he makes on night shift isn't going to make a dent in what a divorce will cost him.

Tearsoflove posted 6/21/2014 13:34 PM

Paying off debt is important but he needs to understand that the marriage is more important. Having no debt will be meaningless to him if he also has no wife.

sinsof thefather posted 6/21/2014 13:53 PM

Lucy, I am SO glad to hear your voice sound so strong. I've been following your posts and I think this has needed to happen for a while. I really hope this wakes your husband up and shakes him out of the self involved (and self entitled) complacency he's been displaying so far. Either way, with or without him, you are growing strong, standing up for what you want, and moving on. Well done you.

LiedtoLucy posted 6/21/2014 13:55 PM

Jaimie - I made it very clear that I was done counting and I am. so. done. I am not waiting for him to leave. He has clearly been told what needs to happen for me to continue on in R. There is a plan and it starts today.

He can choose to R with me and be a better man or can exit through the door that I have conveniently left wide open for him. I am totally good with whichever way this turns out..because I know that I can do it. I am a good mom with a decent job and I will figure it out. If I can't feel respected and validated in the thoughts that I have about my marriage, then there is nothing really left there anyway...IMO.

I know he wants to be a better man and know that he wants to be a better husband. He took my words very seriously yesterday..he has never seen me like this before and it brought out a scared little boy in him that I have never seen before. I KNOW that before yesterday, he didn't think I would ever get the courage to leave him. Now, he knows I will.

Hatemyhusband posted 6/21/2014 14:10 PM

I agree. Being able to feel I can be ok divorced was essential. Tht gave me the power to control myself. Decide my own path. Feeling like I have options was a good feeling. Feeling stuck,
Trapped,helpless made me weak

I'm strong. I have options and I will be ok. No matter what. So will you

LiedtoLucy posted 6/21/2014 15:07 PM

Sins- Your words are very powerful. You have helped me more than you could imagine. Thank you!

LiedtoLucy posted 6/21/2014 15:14 PM

Flour girl- I think that my H had himself convinced that everything was ok... As usual, his perception was the only one that matters so everything must be ok...right? He truly was blindsided when I mentioned D at MC yesterday. He had no clue. Even though I have been telling him I am miserable for weeks! Bizarre.

I assume it must he the same compartmentalization crap that went on in the A. So still really wayward behavior IMO.

tushnurse posted 6/21/2014 17:31 PM

Woo Hoo! !!! You found your strength and your voice and you were validated by MC. That is awesome. You have reached that point where you know you are worth more and your done waiting for him to do it.
It sounds like it was an eye opener for him. I would encourage you to keep your voice and practice using it. Meaning if you don't like what's happening tell him. If you need him to do something and you feel it's obvious tell him anyway. Many waywards are emotionally stunted and need a bit of guidance to get that.
This was one of our biggest struggles in R. I assumed he knew what I wanted and needed and he didn't. And then I would be disappointed or upset and he was clueless.
By using my voice though it always helps. And sister I use my voice a lot. When he tells me I know, then I say great so I know you know.
He rarely lets me down now.

Keep up the good work.

LiedtoLucy posted 6/21/2014 19:37 PM

TushNurse... It feels unbelievable to cut that weight loose and realize that I had the scissors the whole time. I can do whatever I want! FTG. Why do I care if he doesn't fucking want ME? Do I really want this? In half-assed marriage. The answer was like a siren going off in my head.

If he wants me he can prove it by adhering to the plan laid out yesterday. If not, I have the rest of my life to live with my 3 beautiful DS's. And it WILL still be a great life. I know this.

And TushNurse.. Thank you... You always answer my posts and you always make me think. I know that you "get" what I am going through. You are the one who made me realize that I am putting up with too much bullshit!

pain822 posted 7/6/2014 08:41 AM

I was reading your profile and other posts and my heart breaks. LTA always give me shocks becuase I am dealing with a short term.

Please answer my question only if it does not hurt

I read in your profile that your H said he had feelings for her so he couldn't let her go. What else did he say? I am confused because what was he thinking? If he had feelings for her, what was he getting by having an affair with her and going back home to you and kids. Did he wanted to tag both of you along, refusing to leave either one? I also read that you were pregnant at the time? How was he seeing all this? I am sorry I am asking because I cannot wrap my head around the feelings part. Please answer only if u feeel like. I have no intention of hurting you in any way.

FixYou71 posted 7/6/2014 21:04 PM

You go girl! I'm proud of you...and your MC! Feels good when it finally clicks that we do have the power within us doesn't it? Not that we always feel that way but sometimes is better than never, I say. I really do hope this makes a big difference in your M in a positive way. Keep taking care of you!

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