"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/21/2014 13:01 PM

WW went through some high-consequence actions after her A only to start a new A at new job.

It hurts too much, I can't -- sorry, make that I won't -- do this anymore.

After being found out she left our condo, which means I don't have a choice. That was last night.

I'm feeling a lot pain that even after seeing the destructive consequences of her first A that she started a new one.

I'm also feeling some relief. They say it's harder to reconcile. That seems to be true. Going it alone at least gives me focus.

Right now it feels like I have broken glass inside and only slept for about one hour last night. This is horrible, but having gone through this once before with D-Day 1 I know it'll pass. Small comfort.

Plan to see a lawyer on Monday. I don't even know where WW is.

PurpleRose posted 6/21/2014 13:20 PM

Sorry you find yourself here, it is so painful.

But the pain will subside one day and you will once again embrace life. :)

There is lots to learn from this forum. We are here for you! Make sure you are getting yourself prepared, know what you want. Remember to eat and drink and sleep.

Talking to a lawyer is a good thing. It will help you figure out the next step.

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 1:21 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]

Gemini71 posted 6/21/2014 13:36 PM

So sorry you find yourself here. I understand the pain/relief combination. It comes when you've hit your breaking point. I literally felt like I had no choice after me 2nd D-Day. Sounds like you feel the same. You've given it your best shot. Some people (my STBX and your WW) just don't want to be saved.

It's a good idea to line up some financial information for the lawyer, a list of debts and assets, copy of tax return, paystubs, etc. I know it's so hard to be business-like when your heart just shattered. Good luck with your meeting with the lawyer.

dmari posted 6/21/2014 16:57 PM

(((((FeelingSoMuch))))) You've come to the right place ~ we will be here to support you to this gut-wrenching first weeks. We will be your soft landing. And your voice of reason.

Right now, all you need to do is try to get some sleep, stay hydrated and eat if you can or at least drink smoothies, nutritional dense drinks. If sleep is difficult, see your doctor asap.

Do you have IRL support? Someone that could go with you on Monday?

The path to R or D is both difficult. One is not harder than the other. Right now, you don't have a choice but to D as your WS is not remorseful or committed to the marriage.

So many of us here will attest that life DOES get better. You may not see that right now but trust us who have BTDT. Take care of YOU. Focus on YOU. ok?

devistatedmom posted 6/21/2014 17:48 PM

I'm sorry FeelingSoMuch. {{{hugs}}}

As others said, take care of yourself. Make sure you are drinking water, eat what you can.

Since she isn't around, I'd gather up any important papers you might need and give them to someone to hold on for you so she can't take them. I hope you find a good lawyer on Monday.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/25/2014 12:32 PM

Thank you for the well wishes -- the drinking water suggestion has been great.

While I'm in a lot of pain, in some ways I feel better than I did over the past year while trying to R with WW who seemed to not be giving it her all.

The lawyer sent me a good amount of paperwork to capture my financial information.

What's making it all really hard is that we still live together and WW is possibly dating again and appears to want me to be happy for her. It's been five days. When I said that I still love her and feel jealous she accused me of being judgmental and said I no longer have a say in what she does.

Well, she's right. I have to cut her off. And I have to steel myself for her insensitivity while avoiding doing the same. Wow, this is painful. Never mind remembering to drink water, sometimes I forget to breathe.

Work folks have been supportive and so have friends -- all without being overly critical of WW, which is good because it keeps the focus on getting my life going again.

cvs2kkids posted 6/25/2014 12:49 PM

Well, she's right. I have to cut her off. And I have to steel myself for her insensitivity while avoiding doing the same. Wow, this is painful. Never mind remembering to drink water, sometimes I forget to breathe.

Actually FSM,

Be as cold as you can. Implement the 180. I'm about in the same place as you, as of June 1. 2nd Dday, she had audacity to tell kids I knew she wasn't happy and that I was ok with her having someone else.

We see each other daily and share a bed until she moves by the end of July. We're friendly, but like acquaintances. No sense starting a fight, won't get you anywhere.

Used to text a few times a day. Now I see her once every couple of days. She works nights, so it makes it easier.

As others say, in a few months you'll simultaneously feel sad and grateful that toxic person is gone from your life.

No one person should ever completely define us or make us!

tabitha95 posted 6/25/2014 12:53 PM

My second d-day resulted in a divorce. Watching the pain the first A did to me, and then doing it again. ...I would never trust him again so there was no need to work on the M.

She sounds foggy (wanting you to be happy for her dating). Stay away, no conversations...do the 180. Handle things through your lawyer.

So sorry you are here!!!

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/27/2014 13:30 PM

Saw a lawyer today and apparently it's a very straight-forward D claim as long as WW doesn't make it difficult.

She's been walking around our condo saying she's scared for her future. That's it. Nothing about our past together.

Well, that further validates my decision to end it after the second d-day.

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/27/2014 14:24 PM

The second time did it for me, too. It was hard and painful and it took what felt like forever, but OMG, the RELIEF out weighed all of that. It gets better every day.

kenny55 posted 6/27/2014 17:21 PM

Prayers to you. If she was so concerned about her future she would not have started a second affair

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/30/2014 07:52 AM

Now that I have filed for divorce, xWW is more uncomfortable at home than I am.

For the first time I'm truly doing the 180 and am entirely focused on moving on with my life and -- wait for this -- actually feeling GOOD!

She's not. And wants me to help her move when she finds a condo, wants me to see it to make sure "she's OK." This is weird, right?

She doesn't want to hear anything about me and where my life is going, says it's too painful. Yet, she keeps asking for my involvement in hers.

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/30/2014 09:05 AM

Yep...that's hoovering. Look how much I neeeeed you, baby!!!

doggiediva posted 6/30/2014 09:13 AM

I agree with weepingbuddhist..
She can figure out another way to get moved once she finds a place..Like hire a moving company or ask her friends..

Brandon808 posted 6/30/2014 09:18 AM

She's not. And wants me to help her move when she finds a condo, wants me to see it to make sure "she's OK." This is weird, right?

It's weird yet to be expected for a narcissistic person. Didn't you realize she's supposed to remain the center of the universe for you?

She doesn't want to hear anything about me and where my life is going, says it's too painful. Yet, she keeps asking for my involvement in hers.

Me Me Me Me Me
It's painful because it isn't about her anymore.

Drive on. Nothing to see here but the train wreck of her life.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/30/2014 19:10 PM

xWW did get the condo (rental) she wanted and moves in on July 11.

Immediately asked me to help her get boxes. I helped to speed up the process. In-between, she berates me for having a "complicated lawyer" and says "this is why we're divorcing."

I didn't ask what that means because there's no point anymore. She said she was hungry, we stopped for dinner after picking up the boxes -- on me. I'm trying to keep things friendly as we're in the middle of negotiating the divorce settlement.

Again, sitting at the restaurant, xWW tells me she's excited about her new place, says I can visit and shares her decorating vision for it.

This is all slowly wearing me down. I have been very good about not being emotional up until now.

I also heard that she thinks it's just a matter of time before she makes more money at work and I make less because of the industries we're in and so on.

Now it's starting to hurt because I do worry about my future, too. I wonder if I'll marry again, if I'll continue to be financially secure and so on.

This is so painful.

Commanche1 posted 6/30/2014 20:18 PM

If getting a good settlement is the goal then stay nice, you can inform her that you won't come visit as you are not friends when the divorce is final, She needs the friends thing as it allows her to not be a bad guy in all this, you can tell her to shove off the day after the ink's dry

Gemini71 posted 6/30/2014 22:10 PM

Friends don't lie and cheat on each other. Friends care about your pain and your plans for the future. She is not your friend.

I completely understand that you need to 'make nice' until she signs off on things.

It really sounds like your STBXW is really delusional about what is happening. She's telling you how she plans to decorate her new place? She wants you to be happy for her dating? She thinks you'll be friends after this? Ah, no frickin' way!!

I'm so sorry that you have to discover how shallow and selfish your stbXW is in this way. It's really going to be an emotional roller coaster for a while. You'll feel good, then you'll get worn down again. Journaling and posting here is a great way to work through the emotions. Sounds like you're doing your best with the 180 while 'making nice' for the D.

Be prepared for some major hoovering when reality comes crashing down on her. Stick to your guns and take care of yourself.

Sleepingbeauty posted 6/30/2014 22:39 PM

Me too!!I still at first thought I could try and reconcile even though this is his second time but then he refused to go to counseling. He also refused to stop seeing her and has asked me several times to meet her. Like I can hardly wait. I guess he expects us to be best buds or something. he has crossed the no return line nd even though it is painful it is a relief I am 45 days out and still not sleeping or eatig well but I am trying. I the having to place nice when I really want ot call him all sorts of things and I do in my angry journal. You should try it I wrie things no one can or should ever read but it I much easier than beating things or holding it in.

I hired a lawyer the day I found out but asked him to wait to file until I talked to STBXH, what a waste of time, now I am just waiting to hear he has been served. I am taking baby steps to my new life. It's not one I ever planned on but each thing I accomplish is a step closer to healing. I now have my own checking account. I am figuring out where to live and Inly have to cook for me which is great. I am a vegan and he is a meat eater.I no longer have to smell that stuff in my house.

There is no easy way through the hell a WS puts us but SI has been my saving grace many a day.
(((HUG)))

FeelingSoMuch posted 7/1/2014 13:18 PM

I'm still playing nice, not because I have more to gain, but because I don't want to drag on the divorce process and lose more!

xWW met today with the representatives from the condo she wants to rent and they told her no pets. She has a cat, so she lied to them.

It seems like a little thing, but to me it represents the challenges we had together. When faced with a problem, she took the easy way out and expected other people (usually me) to fight her fights. She wants that condo and refuses to look at another one.

I can just imagine her life a month from now fighting with the landlord over the cat. Not a great way to live. If we were still together I'd suggest that she work that out now, but we're not so I'm keeping my mouth shut so she doesn't take it out on me.

I'm at work today and my office is now my favourite place in the world. I hope she does move out July 11. Still love her and wish her the best, but very eager to start my new life!