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justnumb30 posted 6/21/2014 13:36 PM

Hello, new to the site. but unfortunately not the pain. Just found out about 2 weeks ago that my H had another A. This time he admitted to it. After I caught him. But all the times in the past he has denied it ever happened. He finally told me that it was the 4th time. He was being so open and honest about it at first it was relief to finally have him take credit for it and to know that I'm not crazy. But now he's closing up again he won't answer any of my questions. Even though I told him how much it helped that he was being honest about it this time. Does that mean he is seeing her again? I keep asking him who she is. I have to know. But he won't tell me. And that makes me feel like it was more than just sex. Which is what he says it was. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm becoming obsessed with having to know who she is. I need to talk to her. I went and got tested and found out that I had chlamydia from him and her and I think she should know. But he says that he doesn't care if she knows. How do I get him to tell me who she is?

shortyneedshlep posted 6/21/2014 13:54 PM

I'm sorry for your pain. I'm new here, but have read a lot of the material in the library. He needs to want to reconcile and will need to have his own remorse if you are both to move forward. Do some reading. Make him do some reading too. If he won't ....

[from wikihow]
If your spouse asks you to do something (reasonable) for them to help them recover (such as read this article), consider the fact that making them ask twice or putting it off will communicate that you don't have remorse and that you don't care about their needs.

I had my WW read the WW FAQ and that Wikihow article. I also had her read the BS FAQ so she understood what I was going through.

Good luck. Take care of yourself first and foremost. If he wants to move on, he will share what you ask.

justinpaintoday posted 6/21/2014 16:00 PM

Justnum30: I am so sorry that you are here. But welcome. Over on the left is the Healing Library. Start reading. It is always hard to interpret a first post but it appears your H is not being remorseful. Remember remorse is an action. It is pro-active.

My next challenge is for you. What is a healthy boundry for you? Are you okay sharing your H? If not you need to decide what you need and what you are prepared to do if you don;t get it...

Most people that sucessfully R have some basic things

1) Total Transparency (Timelines, all questions answerred, phone and internet passwords)2) Counseling for you both seperately.
3) Marriage Counseling

If he is not willing to give you what you need youi have to decide what you will do. DO NOT make idle threats. If you say I need this and he says no then you will have big decisions ahead of you.

Good Luck and keep posting.

LA44 posted 6/21/2014 16:15 PM

So sorry justnumb. I know you are obsessed with this thought and there will be more. The problem right now isnt' her. It's your H. The person you are supposed to trust more then anyone has betrayed you - again.

I see that you have kids too. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of them.

Your #1 demand - not request - demand is that he goes NC with her. Immediately. Have him write a NC letter. You need to see it.

Your #2 demand is that he answer all your questions and write out a time line of when this started, where it happened, etc. If he does not, he can leave. In fact, you can tell him to leave now or anytime. Get your "bitch boots" on until further notice!

I know. This is not what you want but you need to take a very hard and direct approach with him right now and this time around.

Your #3 demand is that he gets himself into IC. Forget MC at this point. That will only work if you have a partner who is willing to own his behavior and start behaving like a man. He needs help. You need help too. I would recommend IC for you too.

This shit is hard enough and I cannot imagine doing it w/o help.

Justinpaintoday is new too and I have some seen amazing growth from him. Take his suggestion about reading from the Healing Library. Knowledge is power.

Hugs to you.

justnumb30 posted 6/21/2014 20:13 PM

Thank you all. This is such a crappy situation. In reply to some of the things that you all have said. I have been reading a lot in the healing library, and does help. I'm in IC, and talking to my H about him doing it as well. And he does show a GREAT deal of remorse and wants nothing more than us to R. As I said this is not the first time. And the fact that he came clean about this time and the times in the past (that he had always denied before) really does mean a great deal to me. Other than the things he won't tell me he has been very open this time. I think he thinks that if he just ignores the questions long enough they will go away that's how it has worked in the past. I am a master at repressed memories. Not this time! As for putting on my bitch boots I'm not their yet. Its wearied I'm not mad. I know it will come. And oh boy will it come. But right now I'm just numb...

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