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the OW behaviour has made me distrustful and paranoid of women

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Jomarion posted 6/21/2014 19:03 PM

Before the affair, I trusted women. Now I am suspicious of them all, unreasonably so. The OW was so sneaky, telling me she was my friendand needed a good friend like me. When I wept and told her please don't hurt me, I love him, after I caught her kissing him on the cheek, she said she would never hurt me (holding my hand tenderly as she told me), she and her husband were soulmates. She was so damn NICE to me. She was so KIND. She so much wanted to 'help me and my boyfriend get closer'. All the while she was f---ing him, laughing at me behind my back, and kicked her husband out of her house because she and my boyfriend were planning on living together in her house once he got rid of me!

Then it happened again. My WB started 'just having a beer' with a woman in the pub. I was nervous, he said I was controlling, and continued to do so. So I went to her house and told her that he had had an affair, he and I are trying to reconcile, please understand my fear when she meets him in the pub alone. She told me not to worry, she is a lesbian, if he touches her she will punch him in the nose. So what do I see two weeks later in the headlights of my car as I approach the pub returning home from a religious meeting of all things? My boyfriend pushing her away and she grabbing and trying to kiss him! He told me she just kept jumping him, he seemed truly sorry and upset, shaking in fact. I later had it verified by a good male friend of mine in the village she does this with all men and is known as a 'maneater' locally.My boyfriend was very good that time, kept no contact, and told me of her attempts to 'wave and smile' and lure him back to the pub. It was in fact that woman that stopped him going to the pub, he was so afraid of her jumping him again. So I do think my boyfriend was straight with me that time at least.

But what is it with women? Now all the lines the OW said to me, when I hear them said by another woman I do not know well, I automatically assume she is BS'ing me too. I am 54 years old, have not had a sheltered life, but I was unaware of the deception and predatory behaviour of some women- how could they willfully hurt and deceive? Is this sociopathic behaviour? Is this typical OW behaviour, or did I just end up with really nasty OW in my life? I had always assumed that when affairs happen they are horrible 'mistakes' - not happy and deliberate enjoyment of crushing another person's heart. Now if another woman simply SMILES at my boyfriend I get suspicious she is another S--t out to trick me too. I have gotten so paranoid. I have lost my happy carefree enjoyment of meeting new people, women and men. I now think' do they look like the trickster-type? Is that one cheating? Or that one?

Shattered2020 posted 6/21/2014 19:22 PM

Ok, one of my H OW was my co-worker, she was my "friend" as well. I was manipulated by both of them, so my advice is if you want to work on your relationship then she has to go. TRUST me that being betrayed by a H is hard enough, don't add to it by allowing yourself to be betrayed by this woman. I am in the same boat, I disliked women before, but at this point Ill cut a b&tch for saying the wrong thin to me.


oldtimer97 posted 6/21/2014 19:48 PM

I had this attitude from the get go, I was a tomboy and didn't particularly like other girls/women, had but a handful of galpals I could trust. It did get better once I had my kids, met other moms & got more into the sisterhood (altho I made a couple of milestones for women's rights earlier)

I was quite liberal minded, wasn't totally opposed to porn (before the internet) and thought men & women could have friends of the opposite sex. Bullshit I say! I now realize the wives/gfs that kept tight leashes on their man (whom I chided)knew better than I in what they were doing. Suffice it to say my husband is bipolar & started acting out via the internet, so I've seen some OW pass by. I'm just amazed at the skanks that don't let a marital status get in their way. I think the sisterhood is dead If you're into reading, there are a couple of sociological studies out there describing these types, they are called mate poachers. Good reading, just breeze past the scientific language and stats.

Also there's a funny video done by college kids, it's titled Why Men & Women Can't Be Friends, says it all:

Skan posted 6/22/2014 11:40 AM

I can understand your paranoia. Women can be just as "on the make" as some men. They can be as aggressive, as non-caring about potential collateral damage, and as a-moral. Some women can just as some men can.

Understanding your paranoia, I have to say your problem is not those women. Your problem is your WBF. If a man, or a woman, has iron-clad boundaries, then no predatory man or woman can violate them. Place your blame squarely where it belongs on your WBF. Because until you do, and until he develops these boundaries, you will find yourself in these situations for the rest of the time that you're together.

It is quite reasonable, due to your WBFs poor boundaries, to make it a healthy boundary for you that he not make new female friends nor be alone with any female friend. He dismissed your legitimate concern, blowing smoke up your skirts by diverting the conversation about his poor boundaries by calling you controlling, etc. And promptly found himself wrapped up in another woman again. Whom he may or may not have led on.

At a basic minimum, I would suggest that you both read "Not JUST Friends," discuss it together, and you figure out what your minimum boundary demands are. If after this, he dismisses it, then he is telling you quite clearly what the rest of your time is going to be like while with him. Listen to what he's telling you about the importance you have in his life and hear exactly what the underlying message is.

Jomarion posted 6/22/2014 17:25 PM

I understand it needs to come from him, but I see that regardless of whether I stay with him or not, I am damaged, the paranoia towards women won't go when he goes. How do I trust women again?I feel so nave.

Skan posted 6/22/2014 21:28 PM

Simple answer. You don't. You don't trust your WH until and unless he displays iron clad boundaries for a very long time. You keep those walls up to outsiders and windows open between your WH and yourself to make sure that HE is following the boundaries needed. Again, I highly recommend "Not JUST Friends." It tells it like it is.

I feel like it's belaboring the point, but the point truly is, does he have the boundaries. Mind you, I think that my FWH and I are fully reconciled, however, part of the safety boundaries that I have are that he has no new female friends, he doesn't do any socializing with females unless I am along, and he definitely goes no where with one alone. And that's the way it will be for the rest of his life. His long-time female friends that visit us, that I used to go to bed early so that they could have private time to talk all gone. They can still visit, but when I'm ready to go to bed, he goes to bed too. That's called a consequence. And it's totally non-negotiable.

bigskyblues posted 6/23/2014 03:41 AM

Jo in answer to your question

How do I trust women again?

I was certainly afraid I could never trust again, but I have moved on and do trust again. the difference is I am much more experienced in the ways of life/love, I got an education on it

When I got married I was 29 and not very experienced, I was simply "in love." I look back at our 23 years together and realize that in many ways she was broken all along, and I was the KISA that was going to make her world better. There were so many red flags about brokenness I am amazed at how naive I was.

I turned 53 today, and yep I am in love again.My "education" has taught me to know what red flags look like now. I am not seeing any with my SO,and I do trust her very much. I know what strength looks like as well as what weakness looks like.

In the future you will recognize women with good healthy boundaries, and those with poor un-healthy boundaries.


musiclovingmom posted 6/23/2014 22:28 PM

I understand exactly what you are feeling. I KNEW women could be nasty and horrible. I KNEW there were women who preyed on taken men. I just didn't think a woman could be your friend and do that. I am almost 2 years out from dday. My H has proven he has boundaries and is trustworthy. My trust for women has still not returned to even the mild distrust I had before. I am closed off and unfriendly. I am scared and guarded. I have been meeting with a group of moms for a full year now and still only see them at monthly meetings and play dates because I just can't allow myself to be personal with any new people for fear of what they might be. It is getting some better. I watch a lot and take very small, very cautious steps toward trusting one or two of them. Hopefully time will help you too.

tushnurse posted 6/24/2014 07:14 AM

I can honestly say that since my Dday, I have been a different person, and I don't trust anyone at first glance. It takes a person a long time for me to trust and believe them. And even then it is not the blind trust that I used to give people that seemed were good worthy honest folks.

That is gone forever, but I don't regret it. I'm smarter, more realistic, and have not been burned by others lying. I tend to call people out on their obvious lies too, if they don't like it, tough.

Jomarion posted 6/25/2014 07:05 AM

Thank you, everyone for your responses. I read and re-read them, trying to help it sink in, like I am back at university, studying for exams. What an education I am getting here at SI! A whole world I never knew existed!

I spent a whole night reading those scholarly articles on Partner Poaching, Oldtimer. Thank you for the suggestion. Fascinating stuff. I too thought that there was a 'sisterhood'. I have sadly found that not to be the case.

Have you seen the book Pornography for Women? It is published by the Cambridge, Ma Women's co-operative, I think. My MOTHER actually bought it for me, it is comic and hilarious, and makes one see that when porn is taken out of the clutches of dysfunctional/broken men who seek to use sex as a means of abuse and degradation, porn is actually an OK thing. This co-operative is seeking to re-define porn and put it in the hands of women. I give the book to men to help 'educate' them a little.It is always nice to see them look at the book's title, open the page, and see what is inside.

Thanks everybody. So glad you are here to help me and see I am not alone.

hopefulmother posted 6/25/2014 08:56 AM

After this and all the reading and research I have done on the internet...I have come to see potential OW (the usual serial trolls).

They are needy. They are overly friendly. They must be the center of attention (with women and men). They seek constant validation for their appearance. They are the type of woman that post selfies all the time and omit on their FB pages the family pics, their relationship status, and talk solely all about themselves. They can't do anything on their own. They need your man to help them all the time. They seem to have no shame and act immature all the time when it is clear it is time for them to grow up.

I am not saying all OW act like this, but I have become much more aware of wayward behaviors in OW when they are presenting an open door.

Besides, I have never subscribed to the woman code. The dumb ignorant teenagers from school that are mean girls may grow up to be mean woman.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 9:01 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

Jomarion posted 6/25/2014 09:50 AM

Thanks, Hopefulmother, for that character assessment of OW. It will help my newly functioning 'radar'. What is a selfie? I am not computer literate and do not do Facebook.

By the Way, maybe I should describe the book Pornography for Women. It is not what one would expect, and I think all men should have a copy! It is photos of very handsome men, fully clothed, in 'unusual' positions: one is cleaning out the kitty litter with a big smile on his face saying: How could I not clean out the poop of the cutest thing on four legs?' Another photo shows a man coming home with a beautiful smile on his face and a big bunch of flowers saying: 'I don't need a reason to bring you flowers.' Another is a man with a big slice of chocolate cake saying to his girlfriend 'please, have another slice of chocolate cake! I don't want you getting too thin!' This book gives a whole knew perspective on the word 'pornography'. And when you show the book to not-very-nice men, it is always fun to see their looks of unease and suppressed anger, you can see them thinking how they just don't 'add up' to the men in the pornography for women book.

seethelight posted 6/25/2014 09:59 AM

I was quite liberal minded, wasn't totally opposed to porn (before the internet) and thought men & women could have friends of the opposite sex. Bullshit I say! I now realize the wives/gfs that kept tight leashes on their man (whom I chided)knew better than I in what they were doing. Suffice it to say my husband is bipolar & started acting out via the internet, so I've seen some OW pass by.

I'm just amazed at the skanks that don't let a marital status get in their way. I think the sisterhood is dead If you're into reading, there are a couple of sociological studies out there describing these types, they are called mate poachers. Good reading, just breeze past the scientific language and stats.

I agree with oldtimer.

I also do not trust women now, and forget about boy's night out or men's only trips.....I will never allow those again.

Also, I used to feel sort of big sisterish toward younger women. Now I am suspicious.

Yes, the sisterhood is truly dead and likely the brotherhood, too.

After hearing rumors of my husband's affair, my husband's best friend came onto me, telling me he was always attracted to me, and that my husband was a jerk and that he and his wife were not getting along, yadda yadda. I fled.

I read somewhere that mate poaching is on the rise even among men. It used to be only women that mate poached, but now men are doing it. Weird.

seethelight posted 6/25/2014 10:02 AM


To add:

I also read a university study that concluded that women and men that "mate guard" which is another way of saying get jealous or possessive to a greater degree about their mate, are cheated on far far less than trusting mates.

I will never trust my husband again.

LifeIsTooWeird posted 6/25/2014 10:16 AM

It seems even if you don't tell women about the situation they still sense it. Most people these days are bitches (it's not just women) they have been for years you just didn't see it until now and a select few are so greedy they will try and take advantage of the situation because it's a game to them, they are dirt! If anything makes you feel less accepting of others attitudes, choices and actions it is this. Stop telling strangers about your BF, the strangers aren't your concern and you can't fix them, watch what HE does. He's probably noticing things he didn't see before too. It does take time and it's hard to watch people play these games when you know the whole story, but you can't hold his hand every hour of the day and you can't beat up all the maneaters in this world, he has to tell them no and if you want to be with him you have to get to a place that you trust he is telling them no. It's a tough road, you will slip, he will slip with his words and maybe even actions but it will either get easier and less painful with time or you will move on and find someone better. But you will take this insight of women and men with you. Some can not be trusted, some can, but you have to learn to spot those that don't fit in with your outlook on life.

seethelight posted 6/25/2014 10:21 AM


The OW my husband took up with, was a serial cheater.

Also, she had twice cheated with a mutual friends husband.

She even boasted about how all their children used to play together at their house and the respective spouses were clueless. She said she got a "kick" out of the respective spouses getting together and being clueless.

Also she rented a house from one of the men she was having and affair with, and thought it was a "hoot" that her poor faithful husband was footing the Bill.

So sick.

hopefulmother posted 6/26/2014 08:52 AM

Seethelight is on to something. Being controlling would have been better. I bet men see it as us being protective and wanting of them instead of being the tagged "crazy jealous controlling" wife. I think I will start a thread on that.

whattheh posted 6/26/2014 17:25 PM

The OW in our case was extremely predatory and this is very common. The whore wanted my life my man and our assets and was willing to go quite far to try to get them. OW stalked us both and blackmailed my fWH. We refer to her as Psycho Bitch and the name fits to a T. Lots of nasty people in the world I now believe.

I no longer trust any women to be near my fWH. Reading SI its clear that they lurk and target MM. Watching television movies reading blogs its apprent that our society is accepting adultery more and social conditioning is ongoing. So I now scrutinize whenever any woman approaches or talks to my fWH. I trust noone and their motives.

As an older woman I am often treated as invisible by these flirtatious women who openly flirt or smile at my handsome husband. They are disresptful of others so I've decided to make a conscious effort to treat them accordingly. I definitely glare back and say something out loud sometimes when its real obvious. Just want to do my part to put these women in their place. And if it embarasses my fWH all the better...

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:39 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]

seethelight posted 6/27/2014 14:12 PM

The OW in our case was extremely predatory and this is very common. The whore wanted my life my man and our assets and was willing to go quite far to try to get them.

OW stalked us both and blackmailed my fWH. We refer to her as Psycho Bitch and the name fits to a T. Lots of nasty people in the world I now believe.

Same here on all accounts.

I saw all the texts and emails between them. The OW was definitely the predator.

My husband initially tried to back off, but she upped her game by sending dirty videos.

He was wrong to respond, but she was definitely very aggressive.

When, I first contacted her husband, I did not show him the emails, texts or videos and he did not know I had them.

He talked to her and the OW insisted that my husband was the predator. She was quite insistent.

When her husband called me to inform me of this, I met him at local diner and showed him everything.

He was stunned, but at least he knew his wife was truly the predator.

He actually thanked me for showing him that she was an even bigger liar than he initially thought.

amanda123 posted 6/27/2014 16:33 PM

Oldtimer97 I totally agree with your post, it made me laugh, you worded my sentiments exactly. I believe that my husband's confidence grew by having these women friends, I too was trusting and naive. Skan you are also very accurate in saying know where to lay the blame for infidelity. I too blamed the OW until I realised he let it happen, he went along with it, he wasn't forced, and then he lied deceived denied and actually stuck up and tried to protect her saying that she had had a difficult time. Excuse me???? So he did it out of pity lol what a joke, total bs. I made him distance and cut out his friendships with his so called female friends after D day. OW tried hard to get back into our lives initially apologising to me because she was a friend to both of us, I thought, now I know she was just after him the whole time. She didn't care that we were married and had children that she would be hurting me and my girls, it was all about her and what she wanted. When I wouldn't have a bar of her apology, she was desperate to get in touch with my WH only I had put out the NC ever again to him. Hell no would I ever trust another woman, hell no would I trust my WH around another woman. If you dangle a carrot in front of a rabbit long enough it will eventually go for it.

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