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Two Steps Forward One Step Back

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Shattered2020 posted 6/21/2014 19:10 PM

I am almost at the three month mark and feel like I am losing my mind. My anger is raging to a place I have never seen it before, then I am crying uncontrollably. I feel like a month ago I was in a better place and I can't get there. It feels like this will be how I am forever, all I want to do is laugh at something and feel it like I used to.

One (there were three) of the OW was MY co-worker, who I was also friends with. She would come by my place all the time to see "me" and all I want to do is come across her and beat the f**k out of her. I know she doesnt matter and is of no importance to me, but come on b%tch?

Were in MC, I start IC in a few weeks, but sometimes it feels like I am not going to make it. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

Mochagurl posted 6/21/2014 19:23 PM

So very sorry for all you are going through.

I found some deep breathing exercises that my IC recommended to be life savers for me. Also working out, hard is a great release.

Maybe this is all seeming just more real and that is what is making you angry.

My WH and I tried to reconcile after DD2 and all was going pretty good until 6months in. Then it was like oh my god, what has he done to me? And he wants me to just accept all this with him saying I'm sorry.

bigskyblues posted 6/22/2014 02:54 AM

Shattered, the anger is just a natural part of the grieving process, it is perfectly normal. I would suggest when you want to take it out on the ow just post the venting here and we will respond. Also understand that at 3 months this is still so very new and raw that it is overwhelming.

I can promise you this, it will get better. I know we all heard how it just takes time, and sometimes that seems too huge of an obstacle. It takes time, pain, grieving, and healing but you will get there.

Until then remember your priority is to take care of yourself! You will not be able to change your WH, he will have to be the one to make those changes. A common statement on SI is "actions rather than words." It means it is easy for a wayward to say the right things and not be sincere, you have to look at their actions to know they are sincere. Remorseful, putting your needs first, cooperating in MC, going to IC etc.

Hang in there, post here often whether it be to vent or ask a question, these fellow SI members are an amazing support network.

Wish you the best!


Shattered2020 posted 6/22/2014 09:35 AM

Mocha and Bigsky, thanks for responding. Do you have any advice on doing the 180? I've been wallowing a lot in my sadness not eating, drinking way too much wine. I've been in a bubble since d-day and feel really stuck.

MissWhoKnew posted 6/22/2014 10:41 AM

I have done the 180...It worked for me. My WH has always been the more secure in our relationship and therefore tends to take things for granted.

Dday was in mid April. There had been a year of figuring out bits and pieces before discovering what the real picture was. Last weekend I was just so mad/angry...i honestly had never felt that kind of rage in my life. I let him know my thoughts and that what he did (not him the person) disgusted me. If that is what he wants to do, then I no longer wanted to be with him. I left the house and went for a drive. About 30 minutes later came back (note I have been working at the 180 since I found out) and he immediately came to me and asked me to sit down on the couch so we could talk. My WH is not a talker. He was raised that you keep things to yourself. It is a weakness to discuss them. I have been shut down so many times in trying to get to this point.He sincerely told me how he was so sorry, he never meant to cause me the deep hurt that he has. He begged me not to leave and to try and work it out. I had been so mad, but then I started crying, gut-wrenching sobbing. He held me. I kept asking how he could hurt me like that. That a knife in the back would be better. I told him I didn't know if I could do this. He was also upset and told he would never hurt me again like that. I told him he could only prove that through his actions.

I will let you know in the beginning he was somewhat in what SI refers to as the 'fog'. It has been a hard road to travel. My emotions are all over the place. Today is our 29th wedding anniversary. In a way it is almost like starting to date each other again. Learning and being comfortable talking to each other.

I am doing IC and down the road we will probably do MC. There is nothing easy about this experience. SI FORUMS HAVE KEPT ME SANE!! You will start to notice that you also learn who you are. I have become more confident again....I don't remember where along the way I lost that.

Read the forums, read from items listed in the healing library, and try to figure out a way to block the thoughts when the mind movies start. YOU CAN DO THIS!! You need to realize you are okay on your own. I really think you have to reach that state and let the WS know you are not promising to stay will stay until their actions tell you that you shouldn't be there anymore. So if they choose to be unfaithful again, it will hurt, but you are confident enough in yourself to walk away.

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