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Self-pity party

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PenitentMan posted 6/21/2014 19:35 PM

I sent my wife a text the other day and said "Happiness is a warm blanket fresh from the dryer and playing games with my son. The past doesn't exist, only the present. I am dedicated to making the most of, and appreciating these moments. I am looking forward to seeing you tonight. I hope you're having a good day. When you're in a good mood, the whole world seems brighter. Sending you positive thoughts and love."
Her response? A heart: <3.

But then, the next day, she says we need to talk. So, ok, we didn't get the chance last night because she was tired, so we started talking today.

She says she doesn't think MC is working. She doesn't want to "wait 2 years" for recovery... She thinks we're good friends, or roommates, but not lovers. She says this as she shaves her legs naked in front of me, because she's used to being naked in front of me. But sex with me involves a drink, or some pot, because she just can't relax. If not for my son, she says she would've left so she can "date", which she never really did before we met. She had a strict upbringing and we were young. I was 22, she was 17. She says she doesn't love me right now, and finds my bodily functions like my nasal allergies disgusting. They never bothered her before, but they do now. I can't really help that I'm allergic to everything. She doesn't like being home because it's boring, I'm not the same person she married and I have a bland personality. She says I worry too much about the wrong things, I'm too much of a planner when it comes to vacations and free-time. And she wants to be more spontaneous. She said we have a marriage of convenience and I'm "the stay-at-home mom now." "If I'm fine with that" she doesn't mind coming home each night, whenever. She told me about a book she read and how she fantasizes about it: how the woman got to sleep around and still come home to her husband at night. She works in a restaurant and is working long, unpredictable hours. Sometimes she goes out to the bar afterwards with her colleagues and doesn't come home until after 2... If I thought things were improving, I wouldn't mind. And she says "Now you know what I've went through the past X years of being the mom and having you take me for granted."

My son says he doesn't like his mom now because she's working long hours, and "she drinks in public" and isn't home a lot, and we still aren't spending much family time together, since, that would include me and she wants to be away from me right now. It's like we switched roles. I've become her and she's become me.

She says none of my efforts in the past 2 months have mattered. She says she doesn't know what she should do. If she stays our son will have stability but she would be unhappy. If she or I lives in our guest room, she can't be free to "come and go as she pleases" and "date" (which could possibly mean sex with someone else). She says she's not a cheater and would let me know first if she was interested in anyone, which she isn't presently. She even said she's being selfish now because she deserves to be and she's living life for herself now, not for me or us. Which is fine. I'm happy when she's happy. If she loves her job, we can deal with the long nonstandard hours. As long as it's not going to involve sex with other men. Which she totally deserves to have. I get that. I know I'd be right to be upset if she cheated on me. I know the "madhatting" doesn't solve anything. But then if we're divorced and she goes and does it. All bets are off, right? How would we ever reconcile after being divorced, knowing she'd be out there "dating". Would I be able to get over it because I did it to her? I think she's been unhappy with our marriage for so long, I think once she leaves, I wouldn't get her back. I think she'd love being single and not dealing with all the things that come with being married.

But I'm so very sad when I think about all our family trips and the happy times, and the millions of little moments we've shared and how we know what each other likes and how each other thinks. I hate myself for what I did to our lives.

Her divorced friend offered to let her stay there. They're in the same subdivision and her son currently splits time between dad and mom. I need my son more than ever, and I took them both for granted and can't bear only seeing him part time and not tucking him in at night.

I've cheated twice. She forgave me the first time. There was no shock and awe and threats of divorce. After a couple weeks we started putting it behind us. Everyone tells her to divorce me. I have no idea what to do now, or even what to do if we seperate. The sex is becoming rarer and I have a hard time masturbating since she made me feel like it's wrong. I've been porn free for the two months since dday. I've avoided alcohol for the most part, by her request, and certainly not in public since I'm "no longer allowed to". I feel like things within me are real fragile right now and I don't know what I will do if she leaves or wants a divorce. "Successful rebuilders do not let a time of seperation sideline them from their road to recovery or give them an excuse to live the single lifestyle again". But it's increasingly looking like I'm not going to be a successful rebuilder. I really do want my marriage to work, but if she's going to try to meet guys and experience someone besides me (I've been her first and only for all intents), then I don't know what I'm going to do. Staying with me just because of my son doesn't exactly make me feel good. If she leaves, I don't know who else is going to want a broken, unfaithful, lying, cheater, even if I vow with all my soul that my wayward ways are all in the past (which they are)

I know the outcome is out of my hands. I guess I keep doing the laundry, vacuuming, doing dishes, spending time with my son, not masturbating, not watching porn, not using Facebook. I feel dirty. I love sex with my wife... When it's good it's really good. But I know what she thinks of me now. She says she doesn't hate me. I know she needs a drink or a smoke to relax because of what I did. I dont want to be used, but maybe I deserve to be. Maybe it would be better sex, even. Nice and angry and frustrated sex. Not loving intimate sex though, which is what I crave now, ironically. I don't know if I should continue IC. 80 bucks a pop. I don't need a therapist, I need a friend. And if they're not a good counselor, then I don't know how to find a good one. Everything seems out of my hands and I'd just as well save the money.

I want her to stay and I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to her. I want my family back. I want her to be happy. She still calls me "dear" throughout all of this. If she goes, I'll have to survive regardless somehow. The house is lonelier than ever. It's a four bedroom, 3.5 bath, and there's three of us. I've found that I can't sleep if it's late at night and she hasn't come home yet. Even though she says don't wait up. I'm constantly thinking about her and us and what I did. I wish none of it ever happened. I don't know what I should do now except wait.

I told her not to make any decisions for 6 months. She says, well, it's been 2 months and I don't feel any different. In the meanwhile I'm spending as much time with my son and waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's very hard trying to be cheerful, or optimistic. I'm trying to cope in healthy ways, despite being bland, boring, smothering, annoying, unlovable, anxious, depressing, unfaithful.....

I know it's not over til it's over. And the fact that she still "doesn't know what to do" could be a small sliver of hope. And I know I need to respect her space and timeline, even if that means some sort of separation. But listening to her talk, it feels like there is too much for us to overcome. I feel defeated. I don't know how to save my marriage. I don't know who I am anymore. How can we spend time together and become closer and heal our marriage if she doesn't *want* to spend time together? I don't know how I can do more things by myself when I'm the new mom and have to watch my son, unless him and I go do it together, which is great for him and I. Maybe it would give me something more to talk about with her. I don't even know what I could do that isn't that time consuming and that would matter to her. After all, nothing I do matters now.

Well, that's all for this self-pity party. I'm running out of steam. Boo hoo, life is hard for Mr. Cheater; he wants to feel loved and appreciated.

Unagie posted 6/21/2014 20:56 PM

Wow. Ok firstly as you stated madhatting solves nothing. Second if she's not comfortable being with you sexually then she needs to have that conversation with you fully dressed looking you in the eye instead of flaunting her nudity and just kind of mentioning it. Next if she wants to date then she needs to be separated and divorced, you cheating doesnt mean she gets to go do the same and add more pain and heartache. The whole going out with other men while she gets to come home to her husband is cake eating and simple. Lastly she has a child that she needs to be there for, you don't get to take time off from being a mother.

Now you what are you going to do to make you better? What actions can you take for a healthy you and a healthy child?

[This message edited by Unagie at 9:44 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]

SlowUptake posted 6/21/2014 21:06 PM

Yep, consequences sure do suck big time.

Your only two months out from the last Dday, have some patience.

Give your BS time to process.

When the anger hits her, and it will, you're going to be wishing you were back at this phase in the process.

Think about this, it could be a whole lot worse.
You could be in sexless limbo hell for four and a half years(so far), just like me.

PenitentMan posted 6/21/2014 21:42 PM

Thanks for replying. Nothing like a good depressing read to make the ol' day seem brighter. I'm trying, I really am. I put up the walls and closed the windows. I cancelled the martial arts that was keeping me away and that I gave too much time to. I've been seriously avoiding all those things I mentioned. I have at least a dozen self-help and post-infidelity books that I'm reading and re-reading. I'm here, of course, posting my little heart away. I've been trying to make our house a home. We signed up for massage memberships. I give the dogs baths and do other stress relieving things. I'm taking my daily blood pressure and it's all over the place. The good days it's normal, the bad days it's elevated. I took my son and his friend to play laser tag today and played with them. I still sit out with the neighbors while he runs around and plays and put my happy face on. I am trying to keep it together.
And you're right, things could be a lot worse. I wasn't trying to imply that my devastating infidelities are any more traumatic than anyone else. But man, these talks have become so ominous and final sounding. Just when I think things are improving, back down to the bottom of the roller coaster we go. Each time it feels like she's slipping further and further away and getting colder and colder. It's almost like an out-of-body experience. I see my life falling apart in slow motion and there's nothing I can do to stop it. The domino has been pushed and the rest are just falling down one at a time. Thanks for the pearls of wisdom though. I can't imagine what kind of wrath I'll be enduring later on. I hope it doesn't mean broken possessions or any concerns for my personal safety.

tired girl posted 6/21/2014 22:14 PM

So you are reading all of these books, what are you getting out of them? Are you in IC? Are you working on your list of what allowed you to make this decision? Where are you at in YOUR process? I see a whole lot of you focusing on your W in your posts.

jaime2014 posted 6/22/2014 12:00 PM

You both are still young. Let her go & you both move on. It sounds like she is done, she is just waiting for her out.

PenitentMan posted 6/22/2014 12:33 PM

BW came home in a gentle way last night. I told her about this post and she read it. She let me hold her while she slept, which was a gift. I told her so in the morning.

I remember that EA #1 began with a lot of venting about my wife. Instead of talking with her directly about our issues, I avoided them. Either I would get defensive, or I would agree with her criticisms but would then withdraw emotionally. I became too involved in addictions - porn, facebook, my martial arts hobby, so we drifted even further apart. The time we did spend together was spent purely watching TV together. I took the marriage for granted. When affair #1 ended, I had serious fog and treated it as a mistake and something that just "happened". It wasn't a wake up call to dig deep and get to the bottom of things. We did do some talking about it and she confessed that she wasn't always there for me emotionally over the years and had a hard time the years we lived in her hometown after moving back there; depressing times.
But the addictions were still there, the resentment, our issues and lifestyle were still the same. Then we met The Other Couple, who were not friends of the marriage. They had intimacy issues. We all drank together. My AP whispered sweet nothings to my wife while she vented to her about our marriage issues and her feelings for her new coworker. We all ended up in bed together a few times which is a whole beast of a discussion in itself. The point is that lines were being crossed and it became increasingly easy to take things even further. BW had her reservations and even forbade me from being with AP. Affair #1 was long over and forgotten.
Now BW is pursuing a career she loves and is genuinely happy, although she blames me for all the years I "held her back" and insisted she stay home and care for our son. I guess I subconsciously felt the woman should have a more traditional role in the house since that's the way I was raised. My mom didn't work and took care of us and dealt with school and laundry and meals, while my Dad brought home the bacon.
So now that she's started taking care of herself, losing weight, wearing nice clothes, jewelry, makeup, she's the most confident I've ever seen her, and more beautiful than ever. How could I have ignored all her attempts and meaningful cards and kindness over the years. How could I have been so selfish and distort reality so much to rationalize doing what I did? I wish I could've said no. I wish I would've talked to her more and been able to face my fears about our relationship to her.

She said it would be nice if my son and I went to brunch at her restaurant and have her wait on us (Even though she's following someone around in training still). So son and I decided to get dressed up.

I will let her go if that's her decision, but I am not giving up. I know somewhere in her she still cares. She's hurt and in defensive mode and taking care of herself. I will be patient and kind and unselfish and keep doing positive things, even if she does choose to leave.

[This message edited by SelfishHusband at 12:33 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]

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