SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If this is long winded and confusing, I apologize but please bear with me...

I'm back after almost a 2 year hiatus because I have betrayed her once again. But first, a little back story.

3 years ago almost to the day it all came to a head. I was busted, once again talking to another woman but this time it was different. It had accelerated to a whole new level and my BW grabbed the kids and left me that night. I didn't fight for her, I didn't feel any remorse. Just a sense of relief like I was free. (I am completely ashamed of those feelings) My BW and I separated for over a month during which I had a girlfriend and treated my wife, my family and my kids like they were dirt. I was so incredibly selfish.

Finally I woke up and started fighting for my family and to get my wife back, but I stupidly kept my girlfriend until AFTER my BW and I moved back in together. I did, shortly after that, clean house. I sent no contact letters to 3 friends and the OW. My BW and I worked hard, well, she did anyway. She became the perfect wife in my eyes. She cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids and is always there when I need her. I continue to have some of the same issues I did years ago.

I continue to be emotionally detached from her. I am afraid to talk to her about my feelings, my stresses and my fears because I don't want to do anything or say anything to upset her. I am extremely co-dependent and I try to spend every free moment with her. So much so that I almost overwhelm her. I am even jealous of the relationship that she has with her best friend... like I want to be that person but I never have been. But she deserves a break too.

My BW and I had a mutual female friend up to about a year ago. We shut her out when we found out that she was the OW in another marriage (not ours). My wife told the former friend and the friend said some terrible things to her, even that my wife was the reason that I cheated years ago.

At the end of last year my wife and daughter were in a very serious car accident. Quite frankly, I'm lucky that they are still with me. My wife has a bunch of issues to this day and she still needs multiple surgeries to correct her wrists, and hip.

The other day, I received a message at work from my wife that she was pregnant. I promptly freaked out. I was worried about the financial aspect, the housing and most importantly, my wifes health. But, As I mentioned, I have issues talking to my wife about things and I felt like I needed a "friend" to talk to. I, stupidly, went to this former mutual female friend. It was a completely innocent conversation... at least it would have been if it was with someone like my wife. Boundries, right?

I have major issues with boundries and I always have, that is what got me in trouble in the first place. Boundries with my friends, my co workers and my wife. And that leads me to my most recent, stupid mistake.

My wife found out that I had been talking to this former friend last night while using my phone. The worst part about the whole thing is I lied about it. I came up with lie after covering lie for over an hour before I came clean.

My wife left for over an hour and went to her best friends house before coming home, all while having a miscarriage. We talked a bit last night about my issues, most importantly the lying. I have major issues that I now need to attack head on.

I, quite frankly, hate myself. I can never let go of things. I have major issues with boundries. I have lied, cheated and stolen in the past. I've come to the conclusion that I cannot fix myself, like I have been trying to do for the past three years. I need help, and I hope that I am not too late. I hope I fix it all in time to still have my family.

Next step, counseling

Welcome (back) to SI. I hope you are serious about committing to IC and that you are going to go complete NC with all OWs.

You have a lot of work to do.

You have every right to talk with friends about issues you are concerned about...MALE friends of the marriage.

Your wife must be feeling pretty defeated right now.

I agree with AN, you need IC to figure out why you continue with these destructive behavior patterns.

((((your wife))))))

[This message edited by annb at 7:13 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)]

Thank you both for your replies. I am at a point where I think the only way to fix us is to fix me first. I thought I could do it on my own but I can't. My life is just an endless cycle of the same mistakes.

I love my wife and my family, I couldn't ask for more than I have right now. That being said, I hate myself. I hate my actions. I hate my coping mechanisms. I hate the decisions I make without thinking things through. I hate the regret that I constantly hold on to. I hate feeling like no matter what I do or accomplish it's still not enough for my own personal happiness. I am happy with my life, I'm just not happy with me (if that makes any sense). I have major issues with letting things go and following my boundaries.

My BW says that I always make it about me, and she's right but there is nothing wrong with her. She's perfect. And because of my actions and the hatred I have for myself I may have lost the perfect wife. This time, for good.

I, stupidly, went to this former mutual female friend. It was a completely innocent conversation... at least it would have been if it was with someone like my wife.

Something doesn't sound right here....

You out of the blue sought out this former mutual friend to talk to about your worries about your wife's pregnancy? This former friend who said hurtful things to your wife and blamed her for your A? Nope. I'm sorry but I don't feel like you're being honest with your wife, us, or yourself. Am I wrong?

How did you start communicating with this woman again? "Hey, I know we haven't chatted in a couple years but I just found out my wife (remember the one you were rude to because she no longer wanted to be your friend because you're a home wrecker) is pregnant and I'm worried about her. So can we chat?"

Had you crossed boundaries with this woman before your BW ended the friendship?

Were you complaining about your wife or inappropriate in your conversations?

I started the communication by saying "I know we haven't talked in a while but I really need a friend right now, can we talk?"

I know, it doesn't sound right but that's really how it went. She used to be, before everything happened a good friend to both of us.

Stupid, I know

Not an innocent conversation, my friend. It was an invitation. You have to get real with yourself. You didn't email a man, a pastor, your dad, etc.

I know it wasn't an innocent conversation because it was with someone other than my wife. That's what I meant when I said that.

In the past 2 days I have been in contact with a counseling group through my company. I am getting a call from a therapist tomorrow to set up 6 free trial sessions (paid for by my company) that will be over the phone. I'm hoping that's a good start and I can possibly continue with the therapist after the 6 are up.

I know I have a ton of issues to work through to make things right

Wow, you do have a LOT of work to do.

I expect that there are other boundaries you've crossed, not just those you've admitted to tonight.

You have to re-wire your entire way of thinking if you expect to be successful in this relationship (or any future relationship if you can't make this one work).

Hopefully your BW can get into therapy as well. Losing a child through miscarriage is tragic, and the nasty circumstances occurring at the time of the miscarriage add another dimension of hurt. If she can get 6 free sessions from your job, ask her if she'd like to take advantage of that.

You're going to be a tough guy to stay around with all of the anger she'll be tossing your way. This is what separates the men from the boys. Do you have what it takes?

Be kind to your wife, even when she's angry. She deserves at least that.

[This message edited by JanetS at 9:12 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

First - my condolences to your wife and you over the miscarriage.

Second - if I am correct, this woman you turned to is not your former AP, but another OW that you and your wife agreed should not be a part of your life together.

Talking to her after that decision was made is a betrayal of your wife. You shouldn't have done it, and it would appear that you know that (and probably knew it at the time but felt like you were somehow permitted because of extenuating circumstances).

It sounds to me like you have been wanting to talk to this former mutual friend and this crisis gave you a good excuse to reach out to her. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but that's how it looks.

If you feel in crisis over some event that seems to be spinning out of control, talk to your wife. If you can't, talk to a friend. If you can't, talk to a counselor. If you can't talk to your barber. A wall. An empty chair. This forum.

But for the sake of your wife, your marriage AND YOURSELF, don't talk to someone you and your wife have decided is out of bounds.

Why this woman?