If this is long winded and confusing, I apologize but please bear with me...
I'm back after almost a 2 year hiatus because I have betrayed her once again. But first, a little back story.
3 years ago almost to the day it all came to a head. I was busted, once again talking to another woman but this time it was different. It had accelerated to a whole new level and my BW grabbed the kids and left me that night. I didn't fight for her, I didn't feel any remorse. Just a sense of relief like I was free. (I am completely ashamed of those feelings) My BW and I separated for over a month during which I had a girlfriend and treated my wife, my family and my kids like they were dirt. I was so incredibly selfish.
Finally I woke up and started fighting for my family and to get my wife back, but I stupidly kept my girlfriend until AFTER my BW and I moved back in together. I did, shortly after that, clean house. I sent no contact letters to 3 friends and the OW. My BW and I worked hard, well, she did anyway. She became the perfect wife in my eyes. She cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids and is always there when I need her. I continue to have some of the same issues I did years ago.
I continue to be emotionally detached from her. I am afraid to talk to her about my feelings, my stresses and my fears because I don't want to do anything or say anything to upset her. I am extremely co-dependent and I try to spend every free moment with her. So much so that I almost overwhelm her. I am even jealous of the relationship that she has with her best friend... like I want to be that person but I never have been. But she deserves a break too.
My BW and I had a mutual female friend up to about a year ago. We shut her out when we found out that she was the OW in another marriage (not ours). My wife told the former friend and the friend said some terrible things to her, even that my wife was the reason that I cheated years ago.
At the end of last year my wife and daughter were in a very serious car accident. Quite frankly, I'm lucky that they are still with me. My wife has a bunch of issues to this day and she still needs multiple surgeries to correct her wrists, and hip.
The other day, I received a message at work from my wife that she was pregnant. I promptly freaked out. I was worried about the financial aspect, the housing and most importantly, my wifes health. But, As I mentioned, I have issues talking to my wife about things and I felt like I needed a "friend" to talk to. I, stupidly, went to this former mutual female friend. It was a completely innocent conversation... at least it would have been if it was with someone like my wife. Boundries, right?
I have major issues with boundries and I always have, that is what got me in trouble in the first place. Boundries with my friends, my co workers and my wife. And that leads me to my most recent, stupid mistake.
My wife found out that I had been talking to this former friend last night while using my phone. The worst part about the whole thing is I lied about it. I came up with lie after covering lie for over an hour before I came clean.
My wife left for over an hour and went to her best friends house before coming home, all while having a miscarriage. We talked a bit last night about my issues, most importantly the lying. I have major issues that I now need to attack head on.
I, quite frankly, hate myself. I can never let go of things. I have major issues with boundries. I have lied, cheated and stolen in the past. I've come to the conclusion that I cannot fix myself, like I have been trying to do for the past three years. I need help, and I hope that I am not too late. I hope I fix it all in time to still have my family.
Next step, counseling