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WW has a BF who she wants to spend the night while DD at home

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imdimd74 posted 6/21/2014 21:51 PM


I haven't posted in a long time. Feel free to read my profile for my story.

I've been separated for 13 months now. My 3 year old DD lives with WW 8 minutes away. We're slowly (very slowly) transitioning her to staying overnight at my place, but it won't be more than 1 or 2 nights a month when we start. In the meantime, I go to the marital home every day, either before work or after work, depending on the day.

WW pulls me aside for an important conversation on Thursday morning. She tells me that she has been seeing someone for the past 2 months and now it's "very serious". She tells me that she wants me to know because I may see him at the marital home when I come to visit DD in either the AM or PM, and she wants to give me a heads up. She explains that this is happening because she has no choice since our DD stays with her every night and she needs to be able to move on and have relationships. She is the one who cried and insisted that DD stay with her all the time for fear of upsetting DD and jeopardizing her attachment.

She promised that DD would never see anything explicit and he would just be one of "mommy's friends" who happened to be at the house early for coffee and DD wouldn't really know who he is.

I then asked her if he has already spent the night with DD in the house, and she said "Yes. But only one time".

I don't feel comfortable with this right now. I don't like the idea that she has had a stranger spend the night in my DD home already, and she didn't tell me. I actually trust WW is not out at clubs/bars and bringing home sketchy randoms. He is probably an ok guy, but this just doesn't feel right. If I had a woman spend the night when my DD was in another room in my apt, WW would have flipped out. I'm worried that DD will become attached to this man, maybe even more than my attachment to her. Or that she'll become attached, and then WW will breakup with him, and that will either hurt or confuse DD.

I don't know who he is. All I know about him is that it's "someone from work" who's "older" with "3 grown children" all out of high school. He could very well be OM from her affair, but I don't know.

When is the right time for a new companion to be spending the night with WW when DD is in the home?
Am I over-reacting?


southsidecali posted 6/22/2014 04:11 AM

I'm in a similar sich, ex is engaged though after 3month romance.

NO way in f hell will that happen- 2mos is NOTHING. I would say no- and file for modification of custody and visitation.

Apparently having a strange man in your daughter is less traumatizing than having your daughter spend the night with her dad- in what stupid fucked up world is she from?

Modify to have no sleepovers for at least 6mos, and if sleepovers the request kid be offered time over at other parent.

if going back to court is not option the definitely push for overnights with your dd. she can have her man spend night and you get your dd time, win-win for both.

3yrs is too young for that crap, sorry your ex is a pos mom.

wonderpets posted 6/22/2014 08:31 AM

Double post.

[This message edited by wonderpets at 8:33 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)]

wonderpets posted 6/22/2014 08:33 AM

In reality, there is nothing you can do about it.

If I were you, I would step up the overnights schedule. Get away from WW, it will be healthier for all of you. There is no reason for your daughter to not be spending the night at your place.

Also, consider this-have you filled for divorce yet? If not, you are seeing a precedent for WW to have full custody.

You have to realize that WW probably does not give a shit about what you think. Take your daughter, and if WW cries then that is her problem.

You have some tough times and choices ahead. Good luck.

Brave30 posted 6/22/2014 08:33 AM

Depending on where you live there may not be a whole lot that you can do about it.

Just a quick back story. OW in my case moved in almost immediately after I left STBXH, like 2 days later. But, she wasn't staying overnight when STBXH had the children, aged 5 & 7. That lasted all of 7 weeks and STBXH started letting her stay over without me knowing. The kids told me that they saw her in their father's bed one morning. I had a fit and contacted my attorney but was told that even if I put a clause pertaining to overnight "visitors" in our custody stipulation it is very hard to even enforce.

I understand that your case is a bit different and I agree with southsidecali. Perhaps you could use this as leverage to gain overnights with your daughter.

wonderpets posted 6/22/2014 08:35 AM

One thing is I would not use this as leverage. I would take overnights no matter what she does.

cmego posted 6/22/2014 08:37 AM

This is NOT OK.

Legally, probably not much you can do about it, but the "excuse" that she doesn't have alone time is her own fault. I have my kids all but 4 days a month, and have for 3.5 years...and I've managed to NOT ONCE have a man stay over.

She is very selfish. Very. The child should always be put first.

You are listening to her and feeling sympathy when you should instead stand up for what is right for your daughter.

Tell her that it is not OK with you, and her choice is to either stop seeing this man when your dd is around, or send dd to your house for more overnights. Then contact your L for advice. If you haven't filed yet, change the S agreement to reflect more overnight visitation for you. Include a morality agreement.

How can anything be serious at 2 months?? Why would both your exWW *and* some random man be OK with staying around a young child overnight??? After only 2 months?

She is manipulating you. Big time.

[This message edited by cmego at 8:38 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)]

Brave30 posted 6/22/2014 08:54 AM

You're right wonderpets. My use of the word leverage was wrong. He needs overnights with his daughter. Period.

It's more that the point needs to be raised as to why it is okay for what is essentially a stranger to be staying overnight but it isn't okay for the father to have his child overnight.

Wayward thinking continually blows my mind.

[This message edited by Brave30 at 9:15 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)]

imdimd74 posted 6/22/2014 10:08 AM

Thanks to everyone for listening and providing their advice.

I have not filed yet. We don't have a separation agreement yet.

As suggested, I'm going to push for more overnights with me. That way, it's a win-win. More DD-daddy time for me, more private time for WW.


PurpleRose posted 6/22/2014 10:13 AM

I am curious why your transition to having your dd spend the night at your place has taken so long if you have been S for 13 months now?

It sounds to me like she hasn't even started sleeping at your house yet- did I read that right? Why is that? You say that you see her daily, so why not overnight?

What am I missing here?

devistatedmom posted 6/22/2014 10:30 AM

Unfortunately there really isn't much you can do legally, unless the guy is a felon.

However, in your situation I'd approach it like this:

"WW, I'm really not comfortable with another man sleeping in the house with DD, but I do have a solution. Let's get my overnights going with her, then you can have him sleep over on nights she's with me. That gives her more time to adjust. She's 3 now, there is really no reason for us not to start overnights with me. I'd be more comfortable with her getting use to staying with me and to you having a boyfriend during her waking hours before she sees him in your bed in the mornings."

I agree that babies shouldn't be shuttled around for overnights. Your DD is 3. There is no reason that you shouldn't have had overnights with her for a while now.

wonderpets posted 6/22/2014 10:48 AM

Remember, don't "push" for anything. It shouldn't really be a discussion.

jagged posted 6/22/2014 11:40 AM

Do you really feel that your own daughter needs this much of a "transition" to spend the night with her father? Is this really a mutual agreement, or is this what your WW is telling you your DD "needs", and you've agreed to it? Apologies if I'm wrong, but seems like she's calling the shots here.

So yeah, your WW feels that it's (already) okay to have a strange man overnight in the house, but that your DD isn't yet ready to spend the night with her father? And you agree with that?

Transition is hard for kids, and it will take a child your DD's age a little time to get used to anything new. But you'll probably be surprised at how well they can accommodate change if they're in a secure and loving environment.

As many have pointed out, there's really nothing you can do about your WW's houseguests or schedule while your DD is there. Sucks, but that's the deal.

solus sto posted 6/22/2014 16:03 PM

Your daughter is THREE. You see her daily; you are not a stranger. Overnights will not be traumatic. They will be fun.

It's time. It might take her a visit or two to get used to overnights. She will be fine.


Your selfish ex can have her "serious" boyfriend (I mean, TWO MONTHS? My eyes are rolling out of my head) spend the night when your daughter is with you.

My kids are ... well, adult and near-adult. I can't imagine having a man spend the night. I can't imagine introducing them to a man unless I was DAMN sure he was going to be around for a good long time.

I don't think I'm unusual. I think most of us put our kids first. There is plenty of time to indulge ourselves when our kids are not around.

For now, you can help create that time by asserting your RIGHT to overnight visitation with your daughter.

newlysingle posted 6/22/2014 16:13 PM

I think it's really odd that you don't have overnights. My DS started overnights at 11 months with XH and OW. Unfortunately, you have no control over who stays at her house. Y

newlysingle posted 6/22/2014 16:14 PM

I think it's really odd that you don't have overnights. My DS started overnights at 11 months with XH and OW. Unfortunately, you have no control over who stays at her house. You shouldn't have to visit your DD there though. She is more than old enough to go to your house overnight.

sparklezombie posted 6/22/2014 19:41 PM

Say no, hold your ground and document everything. My separation agreement states that neither of us can have an unrelated overnight guest of the opposite sex in the house while our daughter (22 months) is with us. It's enforceable by a judge and darn right I will take it to court if necessary.

Also, why are you not having overnights? She's hosing you I think. Your daughter will adjust. Mine did. I'm the one that moved out and Ex and I have 50/50 custody so daughter spends the night with each of us. If she doesn't stay with you now, when you go to get a separation agreement or file for custody, your WW has a stronger case for keeping primary custody. I would seriously start pushing for overnight visits. There is no reason not to have them. Also, if WW wants a man over, then the child stays with you that night. That would be my stance anyway.

sparklezombie posted 6/22/2014 19:42 PM

Oh and it's not necessarily true that there isn't anything you can do about the overnights with her new BF. in my state, the judges do not look kindly on that and would actually grant custody to the other parent. See a lawyer before you give in and give up. And demand overnights with your daughter.

damncutekitty posted 6/23/2014 08:07 AM

If she honestly thinks overnights with HER OWN FATHER will be so traumatic, then she can't possibly be considering having some strange man spend the night in her home. That's complete and utter bullshit.

I think you should speak to your lawyer.

sparkysable posted 6/23/2014 08:25 AM

Have you even filed for divorce yet?

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