SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

HurtButHoping12 posted 6/22/2014 10:36 AM

My WH didn't cheat, per se, but he did go to another woman behind my back, and lie about it to me for over an hour. It kinda feels like the same thing, at this point :(

The other night, we were hanging out with my best friend when I grabbed DH's phone to look something up. I had this compulsion to go through his phone... and sure enough, found evidence that he was texting with a former friend of ours, who is no longer our friend for a very good reason, which I have posted on here about. She is an OW and felt the need to brag about it to me. After much agonizing, I told her MM's wife. Her MM texted me relentlessly, threatening my life, calling me names and saying horrible things to me. I had to have his number blocked and I cut the "friend" out of my life completely.

Well, almost 7 months ago, my DD and I were in a horrific car accident. A man fell asleep at the wheel and hit me head-on, doing almost 70mph. We were both hurt very badly, and I had to have several surgies. I'm still pretty badly injured and am in the process of planning 3-4 additional surgeries. I have chronic pain and it's been a rough road.

A few days ago, I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I was very scared, because I have a torn labrum in my hip amongst other injuries, and am on narcotic pain killers to manage my pain. I told my WH while he was at work.

According to him, he wigged out and needed someone to talk to. He chose this woman, the one who has no problem going after married men, and who's boyfriend THREATENED MY LIFE. THAT is who he felt was the best person to go to. They texted all evening and then he deleted the messages, but I found evidence of them on his phone.

I stepped outside as not to make things awkward for my best friend who was over. He followed me and I asked him why he was talking to the girl. He SWORE up and down that he hadn't talked to her in almost a year. I kept pressing him, and I could tell that he was lying. He is an absolutely HORRIBLE liar. It then changed to, she messaged him after the car accident to ask about me. I knew that wasn't true, as these messages were recent (I hadn't checked the date when I discovered them, I had that punched in the gut feeling and panicked). My friend went home, and I pressed him further. I asked for his phone,and realized that he deleted her name and number, in an effort to hide the evidence. He couldn't figure out where I discovered the evidence of text messages. I found the evidence, but now her name was gone from it. I asked him again, and this time he tried to tell me he didn't know who he texted for 5 hours, back and forth. Okay, that doesn't make sense, duh. THEN he tells me that it was probably someone he works with... who lives in a different area code

By that point, I just keep saying " Now, do you want to tell me what REALLY happened?" and "Tell me why you are talking to her" over and over and over. I gave him 8 or 9 times to come clean, and he stuck to his story. He made ME seem like an absolute loon to be accusing him of such a thing.

Finally, he came clean. It wasn't so much the fact that he went to her, as how viciously he clung to the lie. That is what gutted me. I truly thought we were past this, but this is just more evidence of how WH has no healthy boundaries. He swears it was innocent. I don't know what to believe.

I'm tired. I haven't slept much in the past 2 nights. I don't know what to do. I know I can't keep going through this. I'm worth more than this, and despite my physical limitations, I take care of 3 young children, cook and clean. I'm sick of being WH's doormat. I'm sick of him disrespecting me, and him not taking the appropriate steps to fix himself.

I'm just so scared. I'm a stay at home mom, and have been for 8 years. I can't even work right now because of my injuries. I'm scared to go through my surgeries alone. I'm scared to ruin my kids' childhood. I'm so torn. I love WH but I won't be his emotional punching bag. When we started R, I told him just one more time and I was gone. I have to stick to that, don't I?

I'm so lost.

Skan posted 6/22/2014 10:47 AM

I'm so sorry. So very sorry. You're drowning in a canyon of shit right now, and instead of giving you a helping hand out of it, he's pouring more on top of you, trying to drown you.

Do you have family nearby who can help you? Because I'm with you. As much as you need help and support, he's not the one to give it to you right now. Honest to god, IMO, it would have been more humane to you, if he had just left. Because then there wouldn't be a decision to make. And what a decision. Stay with a man who can lie to your face, re-open contact with a person whose attached to a man that threatens you with physical harm, while you're already defenseless, and potentially could hurt your children present and unborn.

I don't know that I could tolerate having WH in the house under those circumstances. Harboring a serpent to your breast is all I can think of right now. Perhaps it's time to see what your options are, without him around. At the very minimum, a very hard 180 with him living in his own room or couch, doing completely for himself is called for. This is just an unbelievable display of remorselessness and utter disregard for the families safety and security. (((hugs)))

HurtButHoping12 posted 6/22/2014 10:55 AM

I don't have much support, to be honest. My parents will throw it in my face if they find out this new revelation... they aren't very supportive and are quite manipulative. I hold them at arm's length. I do have a best friend who told me I could come stay with her... but she has 2 cats and my DS is super allergic. I'm just so lost right now.

He has been sleeping on the couch. But he has been up late every night trying to talk about things, and was home all day yesterday so I was very uncomfortable and awkward. To top it all off, I'm in the middle of a miscarriage... I started miscarrying the morning after I told him I got a positive pregnancy test. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.